How To Throw Your Life Away

by Laurie Ellingham

  Tom stepped forward.

  Katy nodded as their eyes met. Her stomach filled with the white balls popping and jumping in the lottery machine before the Saturday night draw.

  Was he going to kiss her? Her heartbeat roared in her ears.

  She swallowed hard before trusting herself to talk. ‘I’m sure you’re right, but I’ve never even heard of those things before. How do I do that stuff? It’s too much.’

  ‘No it’s not. It’s easy. You just ask someone you know with a background in finance, someone who’s seen hundreds of business cases. Someone who knows how to put a profit-loss analysis together with their eyes closed.’

  ‘But I don’t know anyone like that.’

  ‘Yes you do.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Me.’

  ‘Oh,’ Katy replied. ‘I couldn’t...I mean...I hardly know you.’

  ‘That didn’t seem to matter the other night,’ Tom grinned.

  ‘Hey, I thought we were forgetting about that.’

  ‘Sorry, we are,’ he laughed. ‘Look, I’d be more than happy to help. Why don’t you come over on Friday evening after you finish work? That should give you enough time to speak to your bank and find out what forms you need to fill in, and what else they need. We can sit down and look at it together.’

  ‘I...,’ Katy had no idea what to say. Could she ask him to do that?

  Just then they heard the rattling of a key from the other side of the door. ‘I’m so sorry,’ Jim puffed, pulling the door open and holding it for them to walk through.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ Tom replied. ‘We understand, don’t we, Katy?’

  Katy nodded and smiled at Jim.

  ‘See you next week, Jim.’ Tom said, hopping his leg over his bike. ‘And I’ll see you Friday, Katy. Let’s say seven o clock.’

  Tom pushed his foot off the ground and rolled his bike away, disappearing down the hill before she could reply.

  Katy breathed in the smell of salty chips wafting from the fish and chip van parked on the other side of the road as she tried to make sense of Tom’s invite. Why not a Tuesday night? Tuesday evenings had a more platonic business meeting feel to them than Fridays. Friday nights evoked images of evenings spent in beer gardens, dinner dates, kissing. Lots of kissing.

  She shook the thought free. It didn’t matter whether it was a Tuesday or a Friday. Tom had made his feelings clear. He only wanted to help her.

  CHAPTER 13

  Tom pulled in a long breath of air from the humid evening as the wheels of his bike began to turn faster down the hill. It smelled of petrol and exhaust fumes from the delivery van one hundred metres ahead of him.

  The increase in speed caused a cool and welcome breeze to blow over his body, but it couldn’t shake Katy from his thoughts. He’d seen a different side to her just then. When she’d spoken about the garden centre he’d seen a light switch on in her eyes. He wanted to see more of that light. He wanted to help her with her business proposal, just as much as he wanted to help her with her anger issues, but help wasn’t all he wanted to do, and that was a problem.

  He’d seen glimpses of Katy’s true personality at the party, and just now, but she was battling with anger and was vulnerable. She needed his support, something he wouldn’t be able to give if their relationship crossed the line again. Not to mention the ethical issues that arose from crossing the line.

  As the slope of the hill ran to flat road his bike began to slow, but Tom didn’t pedal. Instead, he turned his handlebars and leaned to the right, guiding his bike into a long tree lined street. Detached and semi-detached Victorian houses ran down both sides of the road.

  As he jumped from his bike and walked the final metres to his front door, Tom felt his phone vibrate on his hip.

  Only after he’d opened the front door and stored his bike away did he check his phone. Three missed calls from Lena. Tom sighed, this couldn’t be good.

  He pressed a button and moved his phone to his ear. It rung once before she picked up.

  ‘About time, Tom. I’ve been trying to get hold of you all night.’

  ‘Hi to you too.’

  ‘Have you been out with someone?’

  He paused. The silence felt as pronounced as if she’d been standing in the same room. He could picture her in their kitchen, one hand on her hip as she waited for an answer.

  He thought of Katy.

  ‘I teach an anger management class on a Monday, remember?’

  Why did it feel like a lie?

  ‘Oh...I forgot. Sorry.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it.’

  Another silence grew between them.

  ‘Is everything alright?’ he asked.

  ‘I haven’t spoken to you for a while, that’s all. I thought we could come down and see you. See the new house.’

  ‘What’s going on, Lena?’

  ‘Nothing. I just want to see you. We both do. I thought you’d be pleased.’

  ‘I am. You know I am. It’s just out of the blue. You’ve been avoiding me for months. Every time I call, you’re always just about to walk out the door.’

  ‘Well, I’m calling you now.’

  ‘How’s Abi?’

  ‘Oh, you know teenagers. She thinks she’s old enough to handle anything, but she’s still just...a child.’

  ‘You sound upset.’ Tom winced as the words left his mouth. He’d forgotten it was Lena he was speaking too. She hated anyone, even Tom, to see her as weak.

  ‘I’m fine. I shouldn’t have called.’ The emotion he’d heard just moments earlier had disappeared from her voice.

  ‘I’m glad you did,’ he said. ‘I’ve been missing you both.’

  ‘I’ve got some time off coming up in a few weeks. We’ll come down then, okay?’

  ‘That would be great,’ he said. ‘Give Abi a hug from me.’

  ‘If she’ll let me.’

  ‘Bye.’

  Another silence. She’d hung up.

  Tom stared at the blank screen of his mobile as if it might hold some answers to the questions now buzzing around his head.

  Lena had been dodging his calls for months. So why was she calling him now? And what had got her so upset?

  CHAPTER 14

  Tuesday

  ‘I can’t believe you’re planning to buy this place,’ Claire grabbed Katy’s arm and gave it a squeeze as they weaved around the outdoor plant tables.

  ‘I know, and I haven’t even shown you the best bit yet,’ Katy grinned, bouncing towards the entrance of the shop and pulling open the door.

  ‘So my plan is to put partition walls along here and bring all of this stock further forward, which will make it easier for people to find things, but will also mean that they will have to walk past every item we sell before reaching the till.’

  ‘I like your thinking.’

  ‘Come on, this way,’ Katy said, striding through the long low building towards the counter and kitchen area.

  ‘Then with this space, I’m going to create a little gift shop area selling all locally made things,’ she added, throwing her hands out to the right of the till. ‘And then this area over here, which is really what I wanted to show you, is going to be....’ Katy took a breath and grinned at Claire, pulling her friend along again. ‘...a cafe. We’ll call it Mary’s Place or something like that.

  ‘We’ll put two lines of Bay trees along here and here,’ Katy pointed out two lines, ‘so that people sitting in the cafe feel separated from the shop, but not so much that people walking by, on their way to the checkout, don’t want to pop in for a bite. Maybe we’ll even put some French doors in over there and have an outdoor seating area for the summer.’

  Claire nodded and laughed. ‘Slow down, Katy. I’m not going anywhere.’

  ‘I know, I know, but here’s the best bit - I want you to supply the cakes, and if you’re game, run the cafe.’

  ‘What? I don’t know the first thing about how to run a cafe.’

  ‘Just like I don�
��t know the first thing about running a garden centre then,’ Katy laughed. ‘Please say yes. I really don’t think I can pull this all off without you by my side. And just think how great it will be working together all the time.’

  ‘It does sound good,’ Claire tapped her fingers on her lips and stared off into the distance.

  ‘Before you worry about the kids. Don’t,’ Katy said. ‘We’ll hire a great second in command to run things when you can’t. I don’t want to get in the way of you and Archie and Ruby. I just know you would be fantastic at this. Plus, I would have a supply of your cakes to eat whenever I liked.’

  ‘Ah, your real motive emerges.’

  ‘So what do you think?’

  I’m not sure what to think,’ Claire said, casting her eyes around the long building, ‘but I know I’ve never seen you like this. I mean...it’s great. I’m so happy for you. I thought last week that you would make a great gardener, but actually this is so much better. I’m not sure I’m the right person for the cafe-’

  ‘You are. You’re the best person to do this.’

  ‘Well, yes then,’ Claire laughed. ‘But I won’t be offended if you find someone better.’

  ‘No one makes Chelsea Buns, or anything else for that matter, as well as you do.’

  ‘Talking of which, shall we eat these now?’ Claire said, holding up a clear plastic tub filled with pastries.

  ‘Definitely. Come and sit down in here, I’ll put the kettle on,’ Katy said, leading her friend into the small kitchen area. ‘Oh, I forgot to tell you my other idea.’ Katy sat down beside Claire on the sofa.

  ‘There’s more?’

  ‘Yep,’ Katy smiled, swallowing a mouthful of squishy sugary pastry. ‘How many times have we stopped off in a cafe on the way back from the park for a coffee and a chat and the kids are jumping all over you, and we end up giving up and going home.’

  ‘About a million.’

  ‘So how would it be if we walled an area off with some waist high clear Perspex and a little latch door and we fill it with toys to play with. I’m not talking about a ball pit or slides, just a few bits and bobs to keep the kids happy and give parents ten minutes peace.’

  ‘Like those ride-alongs we’ve had in our garage for the past two years, and a dolls house, some building bricks. I could fill the space myself with toys we’ve got going spare.’

  ‘Exactly,’ Katy nodded. ‘We’ll put it right next to the tables and chairs so it’s easy to keep an eye on the kids. It might bring some more business in during the week when the garden centre is quiet, like it is now.’

  ‘I love it. I love everything about it. I love how much you are smiling right now. I love all of your ideas. I love the idea of a cafe. I love the idea of being involved too. I just love it, but Katy, can you afford it?’

  Katy shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I spoke to someone at the bank this morning and they’re sending all of the forms in the post today. I’ve got some savings and my redundancy money too. I’ve also called Finch, the estate agent who I bought the house from, and they’re coming over tomorrow to do a valuation. We’ve not done much with it, apart from the garden of course, but the markets improved a bit so I’m hoping to make something out of it.’

  ‘Blimey Katy. What time did you get up this morning?’

  ‘I have no idea,’ Katy laughed.

  ‘What has Adam said about it all? Selling the house is a big step.’

  Katy fell silent. An unease shadowed her excitement.

  ‘Please tell me you’ve told him?’ Claire raised her eyebrows.

  ‘I was planning to, but I just haven’t seen him.’

  ‘Where is he then?’

  ‘I really don’t know. He didn’t come home last night and when I looked in his room this morning his computer and his stereo have gone, but his clothes are still all over the place. The house feels empty, like he’s not been there. I’m starting to think that he might have gone to stay with him mum.’

  ‘Have you tried calling him?’

  ‘I should, I guess.’

  ‘Katy, you’re planning to sell the house you’ve shared together for the past three years-’

  ‘Four years,’ Katy frowned.

  ‘Four? Really? Well anyway, I know it’s not technically his house, but I still think you owe him a phone call.’

  ‘You’re right. I will do it today.’

  ‘Do it now.’

  ‘Alright bossy,’ Katy smirked, pulling out her phone.

  She scrolled to Adam’s number, her hand lingering on the green call button as she wondered where to start. How could she begin to explain? Maybe she should just be honest and say something like, ‘Hi Adam, it’s me your girlfriend, if that's still what I am. You know, the girl who whacked you over the head with the television remote because you were too lazy to open the dishwasher and put your plate inside it, because all you did all day was watch sports, because you ignored my question. Well I lost my job and I’m selling my house so I can buy a garden centre. Oh, and by the way I kissed my anger management counsellor, which I’m pretty sure counts as cheating.’

  She pressed the button, breathing a sigh of relief as a recorded message clicked on.

  ‘That’s strange,’ Katy said, dropping her phone into her apron pocket. ‘His mobile has been disconnected.’

  ‘Switched off?’

  ‘No, more like it’s no longer in use, whatever that means. I’ll call his mum tonight and track him down that way. You’re right, I should speak to him before I try to sell the house.’

  ‘Good. So now we can talk about more important things, like what is going on with you and Tom?’ Claire smiled and narrowed her eyes at her friend.

  Katy shook her head. ‘I should probably get back to work now.’

  ‘You’re not getting off that easy.’

  Katy ran her hands through her hair, pushing the ends away from her shoulders and shaking her head again before confiding in her friend.

  ‘...and now I’m supposed to be going over there again on Friday night, which I feel really weird about. It’s like he never gives me any choice. He puts me on the spot in class and then he invites me over without waiting for me to actually agree. The next time I see him I don’t know if I’m going to throw myself at him or throw something at him. Part of me wants to cancel or just not turn up, but I really do need some help with my loan application for this place. I just wish everything in my life didn’t feel like such a mess.’

  ‘Do you want to know what I think?’ Claire asked.

  ‘You know I do.’

  ‘Well it sounds to me like Tom is keen to help you, and he’s made it clear he needs to remain professional because he’s your counsellor. So I think you should go on Friday and get the help you need for your business loan, but that’s it.

  ‘With everything going on with Adam, and the house, and now this,’ Claire said, looking around the room. ‘And your anger management. I think you need to keep things simple. Slow down a bit. So don’t throw yourself at him or anything else. Just go there, get what you need and leave.

  ‘A few months down the line, when you’re on a more even kilter, I’ll throw a dinner party or we’ll do a barbeque. I’ll invite you both, and if you still feel something for him, then go for it.’

  ‘You’re right.’ Katy nodded. ‘You’re always right.’

  ‘I know,’ Claire grinned.

  Claire’s words made complete sense, so why did she feel a little disappointed? What had she wanted Claire to say?

  CHAPTER 15

  Katy’s head continued to buzz with possibilities as she opened her front door and found Adam bounding towards her.

  ‘Adam. What are you doing here? Are you alright? You don’t look well,’ she said, her surprise at seeing him forgotten for a moment as she took in the dark smudges under his eyes, and the way his blonde hair clung to his head. He looked as if he hadn’t washed or slept for days.

  ‘I live here,’ he said, his voice a notch higher than Katy had eve
r heard it before. ‘At least, I did last time I checked.’

  ‘Are you okay?’ she asked again.

  ‘I’m fine. Totally fine. Just a bit concerned about the For Sale sign outside of our house. What’s going on?’

  ‘Oh that,’ she turned and shut front door. ‘There must have been a mix up by the estate agent-’

  ‘Bloody hell, that’s a relief,’ Adam said, half shouting, half laughing. ‘For a minute there I thought you were planning to sell our house. Actually, now that I’ve said it out loud I can hear how ridiculous I sound.’

  ‘They were supposed to be coming over tomorrow to do a property valuation not put a sign up. I’ll call them.’

  ‘What? So you’re planning to sell?’ he asked, his voice almost a squeak.

  ‘Yes, I think so.’

  ‘But you can’t, this is my house too.’

  ‘Actually I can, because if you remember, I bought this house on my own.’ Her body temperature started to rise. A venom flooded her body, welling to the surface of her thoughts. ‘It’s my name alone on the mortgage, and my name alone on the house deeds,’ Katy added in sharp voice.

  ‘But I pay rent.’ Adam ran his fingers through his hair, leaving two clumps sticking up right. ‘That makes me legally entitled to some of the property.’

  ‘No you don’t. You did pay rent for a bit, but you’ve actually been living here scot-free for the past year, which I’m pretty sure entitles you to nothing.’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Adam said, his voice deflating.

  He turned away from her and walked into the living room. Katy heard the familiar creak of the sofa as Adam flopped onto it.

  She took a breath in and counted. This time Katy felt herself uncoil with every breath. Adam had a right to feel upset, she reminded herself. He had a right to an explanation.

  Only when she reached ten did she follow Adam into the living room and take a seat in the armchair across from him.

  ‘I’m sorry that they put the For Sale sign up,’ she started, her voice calm. ‘They shouldn’t have done that. It was a mistake, but the truth is that I’m planning to sell. I want the money to put towards buying Green Tips.’