How To Throw Your Life Away

by Laurie Ellingham

  ‘I guess when I was in my twenties I spent so many evenings grabbing a takeaway or eating out, that I never saw the point of cooking anything other than a fry up, but when I started the counselling course my social life and my funds took a bit of a dip, and I thought I should really learn to cook some decent food myself.

  ‘But then when I first moved out of London a few years ago, I couldn’t afford much, so I ended up renting with some rather unsavoury blokes. The effort of cleaning the kitchen to a point where I could cook just seemed too much.

  ‘I only just started earning a decent wage again last year and managed to scrape enough together for this house.’ Tom paused and swallowed another fork full of pasta. So far I’ve done a roast chicken, penne arrabbiata and a curry, which I might have got a little carried away with, because it was far too spicy, even for me.’

  ‘Well that was delicious, thank you,’ Katy smiled, pushing her empty plate away and picking up her glass of wine.

  Tom cleared the plates and moved them to the sink.

  ‘I have a confession to make,’ he said, his back to Katy.

  ‘Do I want to know?’ she frowned.

  ‘The first time I saw you was not at the anger management class.’

  ‘It wasn’t?’ She stared at his back, waiting for him to explain.

  Tom shook his head before picking up another wine glass and the bottle of white wine in one hand, and taking Katy’s in other, pulling her up towards the door.

  ‘The benefit of living in a house all by myself is that I can leave the kitchen in any state I like and go sit in my living room instead.’

  Katy laughed, allowing herself to be led to the sofa.

  ‘So this confession. When did you first see me?’ she asked sitting down next to Tom and tucking her legs underneath her body.

  ‘In Claire’s garden about a month ago, the day after I moved in. I was putting a curtain rail up in the back bedroom window and saw you hacking away at one of Claire’s trees. At first, I thought you must be the gardener, but then when you started having a water fight with her kids, I thought probably not. Claire was the only one of the neighbours I invited to the party,’ he said, running his fingers through the ends of her hair again. ‘I thought I might find a casual way to ask her about the beautiful woman who cuts her fir trees.

  ‘But then you walked into the community centre and I guess I panicked. I couldn’t believe it was you, which is probably why I was a little mean to you.’

  ‘Just a little?’ Katy smirked.

  ‘Just a little,’ Tom nodded, smiling at Katy. Her stomach flipped as she gazed into the depths of his blue eyes.

  ‘I have to say, I never expected you to turn up at the party with Claire.’

  ‘It was a bit of shock seeing you,’ Katy took a sip of wine. ‘I know I wasn’t very fair on you either. It took me a few days to get my head around being in the classes to begin with. To realise I actually needed them.’

  His hand wrapped around hers. ‘I am sorry I ran off like that the other night. I seriously didn’t know what to do.’

  ‘But you do now?’

  The smile dropped from his face as he stared into her eyes. ‘Not exactly, but I know that it’s not worth fighting something that I want as much as I want you.’

  The falling sensation returned to Katy’s stomach.

  ‘Seriously though, we won’t be able to go out for dinner or out anywhere together until after the course. Is that okay?’

  ‘So what just happened wasn’t a one off?’ she asked.

  ‘Not to me,’ he said, brushing his fingers across her cheek.

  Katy stared at the contours of Tom’s face before answering. ‘I guess I’m okay with being your culinary test subject for a little while.’

  Tom moved his arm around Katy and pulled her towards him.

  ‘And the age thing doesn’t bother you?’ he asked.

  Katy sat up and looked into Tom’s eyes. ‘What age thing?’ she asked with a smile. ‘I’ll just tell people you’re my dad,’ she grinned.

  ‘Very funny,’ he smirked, pulling her back towards him. ‘I’m only ten years older than you.’

  ‘Only?’ she laughed, dropping into the warmth of his embrace.

  ***

  ‘I should go,’ Katy said, pulling her body away from his embrace and sitting up.

  The bottle of wine had been emptied long ago.

  ‘Why?’ he asked, running his hand along her arm.

  ‘Er...,’ Katy had no idea how to answer. She hadn’t expected him to question it. ‘I have to be at Green Tips pretty early, and...I don’t know really, I thought it might breach some ethical code if I stayed over.’

  ‘I’m pretty sure we already breached an ethical code on the kitchen table,’ Tom replied making them both laugh. ‘I would like it very much if you stayed,’ he said as he stopped laughing and brushed a curl of hair away from her face.

  ‘Okay,’ she smiled, allowing him to pull her back onto the sofa and into his arms.

  Tomorrow might be awkward, and knowing her luck she would probably wake up with a giant spot at the end of her nose, or morning breath to rival that of a camel, but staying in Tom’s arms seemed simple. It was where she wanted to be.

  Tom’s hand brushed against her shoulder and slid under her t-shirt, stroking her bare skin. The movement sent a fresh explosion of desire crashing through her. She lifted her head and slowly kissed his neck.

  Sometime later, Katy slid her naked body into Tom’s bed. The covers felt cool against her tingling skin.

  The bed was softer than she was used to. It felt both unfamiliar and comfortable.

  Tom moved his body next to hers and pulled her close.

  ‘I need to tell you something,’ he whispered.

  ‘Um,’ Katy murmured as the mattress and the exhaustion pulled her into a deep sleep.

  CHAPTER 18

  Two weeks later

  Thursday

  Katy shifted her position in the coffee shop armchair and wondered, like she always did, who the chairs had been designed for, because it was not her. There was nowhere to put her arms for one thing. The sides of the chair were too high to rest them over the top, but the seat seemed too narrow to sit with her arms in, leaving her in an awkward sideways perch.

  A young waitress carried a tray towards her, spilling milky coffee over the edge of the bowl-like cups with every step. Katy whipped the sleek blue folder containing her business plan away from the table and hugged it against her charcoal suit.

  ‘Two medium lattes?’

  ‘Thanks,’ Katy nodded, wondering who in head office had decided that a medium cup should be the size of a human head.

  Another thing to do differently, Katy thought, adding it to the growing list of Green Tips do’s and don’ts that she had been forming in her head over the past few weeks.

  Her fingers touched the smooth plastic of the folder. She should read it one last time and practice her responses to the difficult questions she knew she would be asked, like why was she buying a business she had no experience in, now at the age of thirty-three, after a decade of working in advertising?

  Because she’d snapped one day, whacked her boyfriend over the head with a TV remote, got arrested, got sent to anger management, got made redundant, then rescued the owner of a garden centre from her drug addicted son.

  How could they say no? Nerves swarmed inside her.

  ‘Sorry I’m late,’ Claire panted, rushing over to Katy’s table and throwing her bag to the floor. ‘How is it only ten? I’m exhausted.’

  ‘I thought you’d be in holiday mode by now. You leave tonight don’t you?’

  ‘Holiday mode? Ha. I wish,’ Claire said, dropping into the armchair across from Katy. ‘Nick forgot his season ticket. I had to dash down to the station with the kids in tow to give it to him before dropping Archie at school. So, obviously we were hideously late and I had to sign him in at the school office again.’

  ‘Why didn’t Nick just walk b
ack and get it himself?’

  ‘Good question. Probably because my time is less precious than his,’ Claire said, startling Katy with the venom in her tone.

  ‘So then I was late dropping Ruby off at Nick’s mums and got the usual polite chat about Ruby’s choice of clothing. Yes, inside out and back to front pink tights with no skirt and a t-shirt two sizes too small are not the most appropriate outfit for an almost four-year-old to wear, but try telling Ruby that. I put a summer dress, complete with matching sun hat and matching frilly cardigan in the change bag. If Nick’s mum can get her to put it on, then she’s a better woman than I am.’

  Claire sighed and picked up one of the giant cups. ‘Thanks for the coffee. Sorry I’m such a state...Crap,’ she hissed as hot liquid splashed onto her skirt. She slid the cup back onto the table, spilling more coffee in the process.

  ‘These bloody cups.’ Claire dabbed a napkin at the brown stain on her skirt. ‘When we get Mary’s Place open we are going to have normal mugs.’

  ‘That’s just what I was thinking,’ Katy said, ‘but are you sure you don’t mind waiting a year?’ Katy asked.

  ‘Are you kidding? It’s much better for me. I can get Ruby off to school and shake off the brain fog I’ve had for the past five years. Plus there is so much planning to do that I can’t see how we would get it open any sooner anyway.’

  Claire moved her head towards the table, only daring to lift the cup a centimetre before taking a long sip.

  She sat back and looked at Katy. ‘You look very smart by the way. How are you feeling about the meeting?’

  ‘Nervous.’ Katy touched at the neat ponytail she’d managed to tease her hair into that morning, and willed it not to fall out. ‘But you’re helping by taking my mind off it.’

  ‘Am I? Well then, how long have we got before you need to go?’

  Katy pulled out her phone from her bag and stared at the clock display, unleashing another rush of nervous adrenaline. ‘Twenty minutes.’

  ‘Great. So, do you want me to fire practice questions at you or take your mind off of it completely?’

  ‘Mind off completely, please,’ Katy said with a weak smile as she tried to shake off the image of an overweight balding bank manager drilling her about her business sense, or lack of one.

  ‘Good answer,’ Claire grinned. She paused as she picked up her coffee cup and cradled it in her hands. ‘So come on then, tell me about Tom.’

  ‘Oh....I’m not sure there’s much to say.’ A warmth glowed on her face.

  Claire laughed. ‘Don’t give me that "I’m having amazing sex all the time" look Katy Davenport. I want to know what’s been happening. I’ve hardly seen you. Unless you count the times I’ve been spying out my window and watched you skip off to work how many mornings this week?’

  The smile on Katy’s face stretched a little wider until her cheeks started to ache. Memories of their first night together flashed through her head.

  Waking up the next morning in Tom’s bed. Warm and cosy. Expecting to sneak out and avoid any awkwardness, but finding Tom already awake and in the kitchen. The night’s dishes cleared away and a pot of coffee on the table.

  He made everything seem so simple.

  Heading back to her own empty house to change into her work clothes, and getting a text from Tom before she’d had a chance to get to Green Tips: More rain on the way. Don’t forget your umbrella today. Are you free for more culinary experiments tonight? 7pm x

  That had been almost two weeks ago.

  ‘We have been seeing a lot of each other,’ Katy said.

  How many nights had she spent in her own bed since? No more than three.

  ‘You’re not just using Tom to avoid going home are you?’

  ‘No,’ Katy shook her head as the question sunk in. Claire had a point. She didn’t like being in her house much anymore.

  She’d thought Adam moving out would have made things easier, but something about being in the house alone gave her the creeps. Like when she’d come home after the anger management class earlier in the week and found the kitchen door closed when she could have sworn she’d left it open. Or that faint smell of chips in the air when she’d popped in after work to grab some overnight things before heading off to Tom’s.

  At first Katy had blamed the estate agent showing prospective buyers around, but then she’d accepted an offer and the viewings had stopped. So why did something still feel strange about being there?

  ‘Earth to Katy.’ Claire waved her hand in front of Katy’s face.

  ‘Sorry. What was the question?’

  ‘Are you sure you’re not rushing into it?’

  ‘Maybe,’ Katy paused to drink her coffee and considered Claire’s question.

  ‘It doesn’t feel rushed,’ she said. ‘It just feels right. It’s actually been nice not going out on dates. Some nights I go round to his place straight from Green Tips and take a shower,’ Katy smiled at an image from last night, still fresh in her head, of Tom stripping off and joining her. The feel of his body against hers under the spray of warm water sent a zing of pleasure through her.

  ‘Then Tom cooks dinner and we chat or watch a film.’

  ‘What about the classes? Have you managed to keep your hands off of each other there?’

  Katy laughed. ‘Yes. Tom is very professional. The classes have been good actually. Last week we talked about how relationships can help or hinder our aggressive tendencies, which was a bit weird, but I can see now that Adam was definitely a toxic relationship in my life.’

  ‘Have you talked about Adam with Tom?’

  ‘No, not really. We’ve not spoken about our past relationships yet. It’s different when we’re in the group. At Tom’s we’re just two people getting to know each other.’

  ‘But without talking about ex’s?’

  ‘I guess now you mention it, it seems a bit odd considering how much time we’ve spent together.’

  ‘Maybe he’s never been in a relationship before?’ Claire wondered aloud. ‘Maybe he’s been living with his mother up until last month. Or maybe she still lives with him, but he keeps her locked in the attic when you’re there.’

  ‘I’m pretty sure that’s not the case,’ Katy laughed. ‘What are you so worried about? I thought you wanted me to start seeing Tom? That’s why you dragged me to his party wasn’t it?’

  ‘I guess. I definitely wanted you to see that there were other options out there, so that you weren’t sticking it out with Adam for the wrong reasons. I just don’t want you to get hurt. I’m happy for you, obviously, just be careful, alright?’

  ‘I will.’ Katy nodded, finishing up her coffee and checking the clock on her phone again. ‘I’d better go.’

  ‘Right,’ Claire nodded. ‘Remember that you are amazing and can totally do this.’

  Katy smiled. ‘Thanks for meeting me.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. I’m going for a mooch around the shops now, by myself for a change. I managed to pack late last night, so we’re all set for sunny Spain.’

  ‘What time do you leave? You must be really looking forward to a break.’

  ‘Straight after we’ve given the kids their dinner. Although, I’m not sure holidays with children count as breaks,’ Claire laughed. ‘There is absolutely nothing relaxing about lounging by a pool when you have to worry about whether your children have enough factor fifty on, and making sure they don’t jump in the deep end.’

  ‘I’m sure it will be lovely,’ Katy said as she stood up.

  ‘Will you be okay without me? I’ll still have my phone so you can text me.’

  ‘I’ll be fine. Enjoy yourself.’

  ‘You’re right. I just have to get through an evening flight with two overexcited and exhausted children.’

  ‘Have a couple of gin and tonics at the airport.’

  ‘Good plan,’ Claire said, standing up and pulling her friend in for a hug. ‘You will be great at running Green Tips. If this bank can’t see that then there are plenty of
others that will.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  Katy gripped the folder in both hands and walked out of the coffee shop.

  She repeated Claire’s words in her head as she walked five doors along to the bank. She just wished she sounded half as confident as Claire had.

  She could do this, couldn’t she? Only one way to find out, Katy decided as the automatic doors of the bank swung towards her, revealing a large open space with desks to one side and the cashiers windows in the middle.

  A shaking gripped Katy’s legs. Would she have to give her business pitch with a queue of customers listening in?

  A woman in a dark blue suit with a mop of thick black curls approached Katy.

  ‘Can I help you?’ she asked with a smile.

  ‘Yes please,’ Katy swallowed and drew in a shaky breath. ‘I’m Katy Davenport. I’m here for a business loan meeting. I have an appointment with Mr Matthews.’

  ‘I thought it might be you.’ The woman grabbed Katy’s hand in hers and shook it.

  This way,’ she said, her heels tapping across the floor as she led Katy up a staircase to a row of offices, all with doors on, Katy noticed with relief.

  ‘And it’s Mrs Matthews, but you can call me Jill.’

  ‘Oh, sorry I had Mr Matthews written down.’

  ‘Don’t worry, it happens all the time. I’ve tried a few times to tell the computer guys over in wherever they are, that I’m actually a woman, but all of my letters and business cards are forever saying Mr,’ she said with a tinkling laugh.

  ‘This is my office here,’ she said, leading Katy into a square cubicle with a desk and a chairs on either side.

  Katy sat down in the blue cushioned chair, her eyes drawn to the large family portrait on the window behind the desk. It showed Jill sitting in a chair with two tall blonde teenage boys either side of her.

  ‘Twins,’ Jill said, ‘before you ask. Twenty-one and they think they know it all.’ She smiled at the photograph.

  ‘It’s a lovely photo.’

  ‘Thank you, and this is a superb business proposal. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve had to ask even the most basic questions because people don’t put the time into their business plans, but this has been a joy to read.’ She tapped her fingers onto the business plan Katy had posted last week.