How To Throw Your Life Away

by Laurie Ellingham

  Katy sat in her car for a minute and waited for the black blotches floating across her vision to subside.

  Everything Mary had said about Jonny reverberated through Katy’s head. It was what she feared for herself and the baby growing inside of her. Mary’s words had been the final push from thinking over and over about the alternative and doing something about it.

  As dread and sorrow curdled in her stomach Katy reached for her phone, found the number for her local doctor’s surgery and booked an appointment for later that day.

  Claire had been right, the looking had been the easy bit. It would only get harder.

  CHAPTER 40

  Do they know? Could they guess why she was sat flicking idly through a magazine, unable to focus on the words? Katy wondered, looking up from the page, her eyes moving from one person to another in the crowded waiting room.

  Katy dropped her gaze as a mother with a young boy in her arms looked up and met Katy’s eye. Her cheeks glowed, as if she had a flashing arrow over her head and a sign that said: I’m here for an abortion.

  The electronic board beeped and Katy’s name flashed on the screen.

  With a deep breath she stood up and walked into to the doctor’s room.

  ‘Katy, please take a seat.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘What can I do for you today?’ Dr Towers asked, tapping on the keyboard in front of her.

  ‘I’d like to have a termination please.’

  There, she’d said it, the words were out. The matter of fact way she’d said it surprised even Katy, as if she was ordering a cappuccino instead of requesting an abortion.

  The young doctor with the curly black hair looked from the computer screen to Katy and stopped typing. She twisted her chair to face Katy.

  ‘For a pregnancy,’ Katy added as an afterthought, feeling like an idiot the second the words left her mouth. What other types of terminations were there?

  ‘Right,’ Dr Towers said with nod of her head. ‘Do you know the date of your last period or how far along you are?’

  ‘The pregnancy test said six weeks, so it’s probably seven weeks now.’

  ‘Well that gives you a few more options, and the procedure is a lot less complicated the earlier in the pregnancy you terminate.’

  ‘Oh,’ Katy replied. She hadn’t got as far as thinking about how it would be done. She didn’t know whether to be relieved or terrified, or both.

  ‘We don’t offer the service here, but what I can do is write a referral letter, and you can book an appointment with a family planning clinic. There’s one in Henley town centre. Do you know it?’

  ‘No,’ Katy shook her head.

  ‘It’s easy enough to find. It’s behind the tanning salon by the mini roundabout.’

  Katy nodded.

  ‘Is this your first abortion?’ Dr Towers asked.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well for an early pregnancy termination I would say your best option is a medical termination, or what’s known as the abortion pill. On your first visit you will be given a pill called mifepristone, which blocks the hormone that makes the lining of the womb. Then a few days later you will need to go back for a second visit and take a pill called prostaglandin, which will break down the lining of the womb, and you’ll experience symptoms very similar to a heavy period.

  ‘It basically works like a natural miscarriage and won’t affect your chances of becoming pregnant in the future should you choose to start a family at a later date.’

  A numbness crept over her. A family at a later date? She was thirty-three and single. It was impossible to imagine that a later date existed in her future.

  Dr Towers turned back to her computer and began tapping on her keyboard.

  ‘How have you been feeling? Any nausea?’

  ‘Well I think they should rename it from morning sickness to all day sickness.’

  ‘I can give you a prescription for a medicine that should settle your stomach if you would like?’

  Katy shook her head. ‘Thanks, but I’m okay. It’s getting better. There doesn’t seem much point taking anything.’

  ‘If you change your mind ring the surgery and tell the receptionist, and I can write up a prescription for you to collect. Save you coming back in to see me.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  The doctor fell silent as she continued to tap on the keyboard. ‘We’ve just been given new printers so I hope this works,’ she smiled and removed her thick rimmed glasses.

  After a pause, the printer jumped to life and began whirring. ‘That sounds promising,’ she smiled.

  ‘I’ll just check your blood pressure whilst you’re here,’ Dr Towers said, pushing her glasses back on and scooting her chair closer to Katy.

  Katy held out her left arm to be strapped in the thick grey fabric of the blood pressure machine, and watched the red numbers appear on the small square screen.

  ‘Your blood pressure is a little low. Have you been feeling faint at all?’

  Katy nodded. ‘I thought it was because of all the sickness.’

  ‘That doesn’t help,’ the doctor nodded. ‘Take it easy for the next few weeks. If you’re still feeling like this after the termination then come back in and see me, okay?’

  ‘I will, thank you.’

  ‘So here is your referral letter, and these are the details of the clinic. Call them when you’re ready and book an appointment.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Katy said again as she took the two pieces of paper.

  ‘Is there anything else I can help you with?’ the doctor asked, removing her glasses again.

  ‘No, I...I guess I just expected you to ask why, or for me to explain or something.’

  Dr Towers smiled and nodded. ‘Ten years ago you would’ve done, but that’s not the case anymore. Not here at least. A doctor or nurse at the clinic will talk to you about your decision, but it’s nothing to worry about. They will just want to make sure that you understand your options and you’ve thought it through.’

  ‘Okay,’ Katy nodded and stood up. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Don’t forget to book another appointment if you’re still feeling faint.’

  ‘I will,’ Katy replied as she opened to the door into the waiting room.

  That was easier than she’d expected, Katy thought as she stepped out into the warm sunshine. The hard bit was still to come, she thought to herself again.

  ***

  After a few cooler weeks British summer had returned. Everywhere Katy looked she seemed to see pregnant women with huge bumps waddling along in floaty dresses, or Dad’s in shorts with young children on their shoulders.

  She’d always loved the family feel of Henley. It was where she’d imagined raising her own children, but at that moment she longed for the harsh glass architecture of London and the business men and women in black suits, buying coffees and talking on their mobiles.

  Katy dropped her eyes to the pieces of paper in her hands. She gazed at the number for the family planning clinic, and rifled through her bag for her mobile before she lost her resolve.

  A scratchy female voice answered on the third ring, ‘Fairview Family Planning Clinic, how may I help you?’

  ‘Oh hi, I’d like to book an appointment for a -’ Katy paused and looked around her. The street was empty but she lowered her voice anyway, ‘termination.’

  ‘Okay dokey. Have you been to us before?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I’ll just need to take some details. Can you tell me your name, address and date of birth.’

  Katy reeled off the information and listened to the sound of a tapping keyboard from the other end of the line.

  ‘And how many weeks pregnant are you?’

  ‘Six or seven.’

  ‘Are you self-referring or have you been to see your GP?’

  ‘I have a referral letter from my GP.’

  ‘Super. Did you plan to go with the abortion pill?’

  ‘Yes,’ Katy replied, recalling Dr Towers�
��s words.

  Let me see...I have an appointment available on Friday afternoon at two o clock?’

  ‘To book it in do you mean?’ Katy asked.

  ‘We do it all at the same time. It will take about an hour. You’ll talk to our doctor, and providing that he and you are happy to proceed then you’ll be given the first part of the termination treatment then.’

  ‘Oh. What time did you say?’

  ‘Two o clock this Friday. If that is too soon I can fit you in...’ the scratchy voice paused and Katy heard a mouse clicking. ‘Next Tuesday?’

  Katy thought for a moment. Friday seemed too soon for some reason, but another week of enduring the emotion tsunami which had been raging inside of her body and her brain seemed impossible to comprehend. What was she waiting for, anyway?

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Yes sorry,’ Katy swallowed. ‘Friday is fine.’

  ‘Okay dokey we’ll see you then. There is parking at the rear of the building, although we recommend you don’t drive yourself home after your second treatment.’

  ‘Right. Thanks.’

  ‘Bye for now.’

  ‘Bye,’ Katy pulled the phone away from her ear and dropped it back into her bag.

  Friday afternoon. Three days away. 72 hours. It seemed a lifetime away and yet Katy still couldn’t shake the feeling that it was too soon. She didn’t feel ready, but then would she ever feel ready for it?

  The looking had been the easy part. It would only get harder, Katy reminded herself.

  Just then, she felt the vibration of her mobile. She rummaged her hand back in her bag to retrieve it as images of Tom jumped into her head.

  ‘Hey,’ Katy answered.

  ‘Hey back,’ Claire’s voice replied. ‘Just thought I’d call and see how you’re doing.’

  ‘I’m okay, I think. I’ve booked the appointment for Friday,’ Katy said, squashing down her disappointment.

  A silence filled the air.

  ‘Are you still there?’ Katy asked.

  ‘Yes, sorry it’s just...it’s a bit quick, that’s all. Maybe you should take some more time to think about it?’

  ‘I have thought about it. I’ve done nothing but think about it, and I keep coming back to the same dead end. How can I raise a child alone and run Green Tips? I just can’t do it. I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to always feel like I’m letting a child down every time I go to work. I’ll end up resenting him or her, and Green Tips. What kind of life is that for a baby?

  ‘But you don’t have to come with me. I got myself into this mess after all.’

  ‘No. I want to take you,’ Claire said. ‘I was just saying it’s quick, that’s all.’

  ‘It’s better if you do it early. I just have to take a couple of tablets.’

  ‘Oh right. I didn’t know that. When and where do you need me?’

  ‘Can you pick me up from Green Tips on Friday lunchtime, about one-thirty?’

  There was another silent pause before Claire replied. ‘Yes of course. I’ll get my mum to have Ruby and collect Archie from school so I won’t have to rush off anywhere.’

  ‘Are you sure you can do it? I don’t mind going on my own.’

  ‘No, I’m coming.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Katy said again. ‘See you Friday then.’

  ‘Bye.’

  Katy said goodbye and pressed the red call end button.

  She closed her eyes for a moment and let the feel of the midmorning sunshine scorch the back of her neck.

  CHAPTER 41

  Friday

  The world had slowed down on its axis, or so it seemed to Katy. Seventy two hours had felt more like seventy two days.

  At some point on her walk from the GP surgery to her car on Tuesday, a weight had grown on her shoulders as if she was carrying a backpack full of bricks. With each passing hour another brick was added to the load. Now every movement caused shooting pains to stretch across her back.

  Despite Mary’s protests Katy had returned to work on Wednesday. It was either that or continue to stare at the hairline crack snaking across the ceiling of her bedroom whilst she cried pitifully into her pillow.

  Katy swept up the last remaining grains of earth from the path around the pansies and checked the clock on her phone for the tenth time in as many minutes. 13.25pm. Claire would be pulling into the car park any minute. She would say her goodbyes to Mary, climb into Claire’s car, and the pair would drive together into Henley town centre, and to the discreetly signed Family Planning Clinic behind the tanning salon at the bottom of the high street.

  She would take one tablet. She would get back into Claire’s car and return to Green Tips in time to help Mary finish setting up for the weekend.

  It seemed strange to Katy that she felt as bad about lying to Mary as she did about her true destination. It was a harmless lie about an appointment with her solicitor, but she felt bad anyway. Katy didn’t know if it was her own shame, or the fear of Mary’s disapproval that drove her to lie, but whatever the reason, she had.

  She lifted her face up to the sun and the glaring midday heat. Of course it was a perfect summer’s day, Katy thought. Of course it was sunny and warm with just the right amount of cool breeze. Would the bright white sun and the heat on her face forevermore be a bitter reminder of what she’d done on this day? Or what she was about to do anyway. Another question Katy didn’t know the answer to.

  The sound of gravel crunching under the wheels of a car jolted Katy back to reality. She stepped around the pots of pink and purple fuchsias and followed the path along to the front of the building and the car park.

  Claire’s car swept around the car park and pulled up alongside Katy.

  Katy gave a small wave before ducking her head into the building to say goodbye to Mary.

  A minute later she opened the passenger side door and jumped in.

  ‘Ready?’ Claire asked, sweeping crisp wrappers and soft toys away from Katy’s feet.

  ‘Yep,’ Katy’s eyes dropped to her lap. ‘No, hang on. I’ve still got my apron on. Here hold this,’ she added, pulling her mobile out of her apron pocket and handing it to Claire. I’ll just put this back inside. Oh crap, I need my referral letter as well. It’s in my bag. I’ll just grab that too,’ she said, already pulling at the long dark green strings of the apron as she climbed back out of the car.

  ***

  It took Katy a moment to notice the decline in speed. She lifted her head from the window and looked towards Claire. Without a word Claire pulled the car into the lay-by of the bus stop, stopped the car and turned off the engine.

  ‘Claire?’

  Claire stared straight ahead as she spoke. ‘Nick had an affair.’

  Katy’s body bolted upright. ‘What? When?’

  ‘Over Christmas.’

  ‘Bloody hell, Claire, how did you find out?’

  ‘He told me in January. It started at the office party apparently and went on for a few weeks.’

  ‘I can’t believe it. Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘You’re the first person I’ve told. I didn’t want to...,’ Claire sighed, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. ‘Talking about it with someone other than Nick would've made it feel a lot more real, and I didn’t want that.’

  ‘I don’t know what to say,’ Katy said, her own problems forgotten as she reached her hand to Claire’s. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ Claire said with a weak smile.

  The offhand comments that had seemed so out of place, the tearful cryptic moments. It all suddenly made sense. She’d known something had been wrong with her friend. She’d even vowed to get to the bottom of it. When was that? A month ago? Or just a few weeks back? So much had happened in such a short space of time.

  Katy felt a loathing towards herself that she’d never experienced before. If she’d have had a remote control in her hand at that particular moment in time then she may well have whacked herself in the face. Then she remembe
red that it wasn’t about her, or how she much she disliked herself, it was about Claire.

  ‘Are you going to leave him?’ she asked.

  Claire shook her head. ‘There were times early on when I thought I might, but it wouldn’t have been fair to Archie and Ruby. I couldn’t destroy their family and ruin their lives because their dad made a stupid mistake.’

  ‘It’s a bit more than a stupid mistake.’

  ‘I know, but that’s what it came down to. Plus I still love him. I don’t know if that makes me a complete moron but I do.’ Claire brushed her fingers under her eyes. ‘Don’t get me wrong, this year has been the worst year of my life,’ Claire continued. ‘We’ve fought for weeks at a time. Playing nice in front of the children and then jumping straight back into an argument the minute we’re alone. It’s all but destroyed me.’

  Tears pricked at the sides of Katy’s eyes. ‘I wish you’d told me. You deserve so much better,’ she whispered.

  ‘I know. I hated not telling you, but I...,’ Claire took a shaky breath in before continuing, ‘I think a part of me liked how perfect you thought my life was. I didn’t want to spoil that for you, or for me. I don’t know...maybe I thought that if you saw my life as perfect, it would be more perfect. Seems stupid now I’ve said it out loud. I also didn’t want you to judge me for staying with Nick.’

  ‘Claire,’ Katy squeezed Claire’s hand, ‘I’d never judge you.’

  ‘You know the worst part,’ Claire said, ‘she’s not even pretty. I met her once a few years ago. Nancy Thompson. She’s a PA for one of Nick’s bosses. I could sort of understand it if he’d cheated on me with some really gorgeous young twig, but not Nancy. She’s older than me and not much slimmer either.’

  ‘Hey, you’re gorgeous.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Claire smiled and wiped her eyes, ‘but you know what I mean.’

  ‘I thought we were happy. That’s what I kept saying to Nick. I thought we were happy. It didn’t cross my mind for one second that he would have an affair.’

  ‘Claire, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It’s okay, really. We’re getting passed it. The holiday helped a lot. We think we might try and go away just the two of us at the end of the summer. See if my parents can have the kids.’