Necessary Heartbreak

by Michael J. Sullivan

  She paused. “I miss Yochanan so much. It’s been so long, don’t you think?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “My world has never been the same. And never will be.”

  Michael could see her eyes were misty. “I’m sorry. Let’s go back down.”

  “No, I am fine. Yochanan would call me silly for not coming up here.”

  She returned to her seat on the balustrade. “It is beautiful up here, isn’t it?”

  Michael followed her back and sat next to her.

  She took a deep breath and pulled the blanket tightly around her. “Yochanan kept me safe before he died. He would wrap his big arms around me whenever I would be afraid.”

  Michael nodded. “Vicki was much the same way for me. I think I drove her nuts with my fears.” He laughed, then grew silent.

  After a few moments, Michael quietly asked, “What happened to Yochanan?”

  Leah sighed. “Do you mean how I saw it?”

  “Sure.”

  Leah folded her arms tightly across her chest. “There is much violence in our world. But I never expected it to come to my doorstep. I never expected that a man with his message could anger people. The Romans are a ruthless people, Michael. You stay in your place to be safe. But Yochanan needed to find peace and comfort in his life. For some reason I couldn’t give him that. I wish I had done something sooner. But I didn’t know what to do.

  “We always live with some danger, but it is our way. I never thought it would end in death . . . but it did, and so randomly. One moment he was there and then, what?”

  Leah faced him in earnest. “Michael, I am asking you what happened.” Her tone was urgent and unrelenting. “Why was it necessary?”

  Michael shrugged. “Leah, I can’t say. I’m having a hard time myself understanding why my Vicki had to die the way she did.” He was anxious, worried that he wouldn’t be able to find the words of comfort that she so obviously needed. He paused. “Perhaps I can help if you tell me more about what happened.”

  She hesitated. “I was grieving myself when everything happened. . . .” She took another deep breath and looked away from Michael. “After we lost our daughter.”

  “Oh. I didn’t know you had a daughter. I’m so sorry.”

  Leah looked at him in disbelief.

  Michael added in a whisper to her, “I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child.”

  Leah touched his arm. “We were so happy when she was born. She was a great gift to us. Yochanan smiled every day she was here. He would hold her in his big arms and walk her around. Yochanan would bathe her and sing to her. I never saw him so happy. She was everything to us. Two weeks later, we had lost our whole world. She got very warm, much too warm. And she wouldn’t eat. It all happened so fast. And there was nothing. Looking back, I know I lost both of them that horrible day.”

  Michael gently rubbed her shoulder as she began to weep. After a moment, he offered her the sleeve of his garment to wipe the tears away from her cheeks.

  Leah took another deep breath and looked down at her hands, resting now in her lap. “He spent many days away from me. He wouldn’t talk much. He wouldn’t let me hold him anymore. He was angry at times, and so sad and quiet at other times. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I didn’t do enough to help him through it. But I was having a hard time myself.”

  She paused a brief moment. “He would go away for days at time, leaving me alone for so many hours. He sought out that preacher. He told me he found peace when he listened to him.

  “I wanted to help him but he wouldn’t let me. I tried everything to reach him but he only wanted to talk about what he had heard. I didn’t listen. I couldn’t listen.

  “He had been gone for several days when it happened. I heard men yelling outside. As much as I didn’t want to think it was him, I knew it was. I was afraid. I went up to the roof of the house thinking I would safely see who was there. When I looked down, I saw him lying down on the ground, bleeding from his head.”

  She wiped her tears away with her own garment this time. “He died the next morning.”

  Michael grimaced.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, looking up at Michael. “I haven’t cried much since Yochanan died. When word of his death went around the village, no one came by to talk to me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because of his battle with the Romans! The soldiers remained nearby for many days.”

  “Looking for who?”

  Leah shook her head. “For you.” Her eyes searched his for meaning.

  Michael stared at her before shaking his head. “I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Leah sighed, then continued, “We were both so lost in our pain that even in this small house, it was as if we could never find each other. Yochanan spent much time away with that group, listening to them talk about a world of peace and love. Yet he died so violently. Is that peace and love to you? Is it?”

  Michael looked into Leah’s eyes and shook his head. “I don’t know how it can be,” he whispered to her. “I can’t imagine living in this world you live in. In prison, it was just horrible.” His voice trailed off.

  “What happened?”

  “There were some things I could see, other moments I could only hear.” Michael squirmed a bit. He grimaced. “This woman, she must have been the prisoner’s wife. The prison guard seemed nice at first, allowing her to bring her husband some food. I heard the guard tell the man and woman he was going to let him go. I saw him unlock the gate, and as the man went to hug his wife, the guard stabbed him in the heart.”

  Leah gave no reaction. She just stared at Michael.

  “I started to scream for help. But he came over and swung his spear at me. So I backed up against the wall. The woman was bent over her husband, screaming and crying. She was hugging him. I could tell he wasn’t dead yet, just bleeding from his chest. The guard came back and grabbed her. I could see the blood was all over his hands and face. And he laughed. He just laughed.”

  Leah gently stroked the top of Michael’s head. He looked up at her and continued, “He pushed her into the cell. I couldn’t see anything then. I just heard her clothes ripping and her screams. It was sickening. And the poor guy, I could see him taking his last few breaths, watching his wife get beaten and abused. And I couldn’t do anything.”

  Leah remained silent.

  Michael looked at her. “Why are you so quiet? Do you believe me?”

  Leah nodded. “I do. Yochanan was imprisoned at Antonia for a short time. I thought I would never see him again. Days went by and I would wait near the front of the prison, hoping someone would tell me what was going on. I heard the screams, too, Michael. I saw many bodies carried out of there, dumped like trash by the gate for the families to find. Yochanan told me later that these were the lucky ones; some of the dead were just left in chains, to terrify the other prisoners.”

  “What a terrible world you live in,” Michael said angrily.

  “And what makes your world better? Do they have a greater reverence for life where you live? If so, I would like to see it.”

  Her words hit home. “My town is pretty safe,” he said thoughtfully, “but, no, there are parts of my world that are no better. I can’t say we’ve come very far in the ‘respect life’ category.” He paused briefly to measure his words properly. “There are many men who talk of peace, yet send many men to kill others in faraway places.”

  The night air was getting cool, and Michael could see the stars were shining more brightly in the crisp evening air. “You know, my wife, Vicki, showered me with love and it was the only peace I ever found.”

  He paused and looked at Leah. “We’re more similar than you think. When she died, I thought I lost everything. But I didn’t. Maybe you didn’t either. You know, for the longest time I didn’t think I was worthy of anyone’s love.”

  Leah’s eyes widened. She turned directly to face him.

  “Everyone is worthy of love. You just need t
o be open to others, and it will seek you out. It has taken me a long time to learn that.”

  They sat there in silence, watching the shooting stars dance across the sky.

  “It’s so peaceful up here,” he sighed. “So peaceful.” Michael slid down the side of the balustrade. “Come here.”

  Leah gazed at him a moment before joining him on the ground.

  “Look.” He pointed up at the stars.

  “What?” she asked, looking up, her hair grazing his shoulder.

  “That’s the Big Dipper.”

  “Do you mean the North Star ? It’s how the fishermen always find their way home.”

  11

  LIZZIE HAD

  A LITTLE LAMB

  The sun glistened over the horizon, directing its soothing morning rays onto Michael’s face. Feeling the warmth, he awoke, rubbing his eyes and instinctively putting his hand out on the ground next to him to see if she was still there. He felt nothing.

  Hmm, he thought while opening his eyes, where is she?

  Surprised by his initial reaction, he stood up quickly. She wouldn’t be here; she’s not like that.

  Michael gathered up the bedroll and quietly walked down the ladder to the second floor. He crept into Elizabeth’s room and watched her sleep peacefully. He touched her shoulder, planting a gentle kiss on her forehead. Then he started down the ladder leading to the first floor, noticing Leah preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

  “Let me try to cook for you again,” he said eagerly.

  Leah looked up at him. “Do you really think that’s best?”

  Michael pressed his lips together before saying, “I’m not sure, but I figure it’s worth a shot.”

  In response, she put her hand over her mouth and laughed nervously. When she heard Michael chuckle slightly, she burst out in laughter.

  “Okay, okay . . . I get the message. My cooking days here are finished.”

  “No, please, I’m sorry.” She waved her arms, trying to calm herself. “Why don’t I try to show you how to make some porridge? It’s the easiest to cook.”

  “Oh, maybe you have the book Cooking for Dummies for me?” he said with a smile.

  Leah’s face went blank, puzzled by the reference.

  “Oh, sorry . . . it’s a joke between me and Elizabeth. Sorry, again.”

  She laughed. “Sometimes you talk strangely.”

  Michael nodded. “I can understand why you would say that.”

  She pulled out a basket of grains, ready to begin her lesson. After dropping a handful of grain into the bowl, she said, “Pour some water into this.”

  Michael did as he was told.

  When Leah picked up a spoon to stir the porridge, Michael reached for it, touching her hand. “May I?”

  She looked at him. “Of course,” she said softly, handing him the spoon.

  Michael began stirring, slowly dragging the spoon through the watered grains and mashing them against the outer rim of the pot. As he worked toward the center, he caught her looking at him and smiled.

  “Do you ever cook for anyone but yourself?” Michael asked.

  Leah’s eyebrows lifted. “And why do you ask that?”

  He was quiet for a few seconds. “No reason. Just making conversation.”

  “Hmm . . . keep stirring but a little quicker. Good, very good.” She took the bowl and placed it above the fire. “Okay, it’s ready to cook.”

  “Do you want me to help with the fire?”

  Leah gave him an incredulous look.

  He laughed. “Okay, I get the message.”

  The smell of porridge and the crackling of fire awakened Elizabeth.

  “Morning, Dad,” she said as she climbed down the final rungs of the first-floor ladder. “Hey, Leah.”

  “Good morning, Baboo.”

  “Daddy, launch!”

  Michael quickly pointed at Leah. “Not now, Elizabeth. How about a hug?”

  “Okay,” she said, falling into his arms.

  Michael looked over at Leah, who was laughing at the sight of them. “Are you hungry?” he asked Elizabeth.

  “Yes!”

  “Extra honey this morning?” Leah asked.

  “Yes! Thank you.”

  Leah handed Elizabeth a bowl. “Go upstairs, we will join you.”

  Smiling, Elizabeth turned and headed back up to the dining mat on the second floor.

  After Elizabeth had left, Leah turned to Michael. “What are your plans today?”

  “I’m not sure yet. I have to speak with Elizabeth.”

  “Michael, today begins Passover. I have to go to town to prepare for the meal . . . which means I also have to take the lamb to the Temple to be sacrificed.”

  “Oh! Is it really necessary to kill the lamb?”

  Leah hesitated. “We sacrifice the lamb, Michael.”

  “Oops. Sorry.”

  “I know Elizabeth is fond of the lamb, but it is our tradition to sacrifice on this night. The lamb is my sacrifice.”

  Looking out to the courtyard at the fig tree, Michael said, “I’m not sure how Elizabeth is going to handle this.”

  He paused, not sure if he should continue. “If you’re going near the Temple, can you check the tunnel for us? I want to leave later tonight, but I’m concerned about the soldiers.” He stopped and looked at her. “Is this too much to ask?”

  “No. I want to help you find your way home, Michael. It’s by the courtyard, right?”

  Michael grasped her hands in excitement. “Yes! I marked the grate with that piece from Elizabeth’s shirt. If it’s all clear, we can leave tonight!”

  Leah glanced at him, wide-eyed. Michael realized that he was holding her hands tightly. Embarrassed, he squeezed once gently before dropping them.

  “Leah, can I feed Cassie again today?” Elizabeth called from upstairs. “Leah?”

  Leah smiled tenderly, her eyes downcast. “Yes, Elizabeth, you may,” she called back.

  Leah gathered the food onto a woven tray and ascended the ladder. Michael followed her, bringing a second tray of bowls.

  “Oh, hey!” Elizabeth squealed as they reached the second floor. “Leah, after breakfast should I put together some more grains for Cassie?”

  At this, Leah looked away while Michael sighed.

  “What’s wrong?” Elizabeth asked.

  When Leah remained silent, Michael quietly said to Elizabeth, “We’ll talk about this later.”

  After they had finished eating, Leah rose uneasily to her feet. “I have to go to town to pick up some fruits and vegetables.” She looked at Elizabeth again kindly, then turned to Michael.

  Catching her eye, Michael whispered to Elizabeth, “I’ll be right back, honey.”

  He followed Leah down the ladder, noticing at the bottom that she was holding her head.

  Leah turned to face him. “Michael, I’m really sorry. I’m worried about Elizabeth.”

  He recognized the strain in her face. “Leah, please, she’s going to be fine. I’ll speak to her this morning while you are at the market. Plus, she’ll be really relieved when I tell her you’re going to scout out the tunnel.”

  After watching Leah leave through the front gate, Michael took a deep breath and reentered the house. “Elizabeth?”

  She came downstairs with the bowls from breakfast.

  “What’s up, Dad? Where’s Leah?” she asked, depositing the bowls in a pail of water near the fire.

  Michael forced a smile before turning to Elizabeth. “Honey, Leah’s going to the tunnel for us! She’s checking it out to make sure there aren’t any soldiers. We could leave in a few hours, maybe.”

  “That’s awesome!” Elizabeth exclaimed. “Wow, I should feed Cassie quick so that we’re ready to go when Leah gets back.”

  Michael winced uncomfortably. “Honey, I don’t know if you should worry about that.”

  “Are you kidding? I want to feed her one last meal before I go.”

  Michael reached over, touching her cheek gently. “Eliz
abeth, I want to be honest with you. You know, today starts Leah’s religious holiday. You’re old enough for me to tell you things like this now: the lamb is going to be taken to Temple this afternoon.”

  “For what?”

  “The lamb is part of Leah’s tradition. It will be offered up for sacrifice.”

  Elizabeth covered her face with her hands. “You mean Cassie is really going to be killed? I just thought that after Leah saw how much I liked her—how much I love her—that it would be different.”

  “She’s a lamb, and here a lamb is—”

  “You mean Cassie, right, Dad? You can say her name.”

  Michael nodded.

  “Let me see her,” she said, storming off past Michael out to the front yard where Cassie was grazing. She hugged the lamb, then started to run toward the front gate.

  “Elizabeth, please . . . get back in here!”

  “No! If we’re leaving, why can’t we just take her?” She ran a few steps, stopped, ran a few more steps, and stopped again. Each time she paused, she looked back at the lamb, frustrated that Cassie wasn’t following.

  Michael ran to her, pulling Elizabeth gently into his chest. “It’ll be okay.”

  “Yeah, sure,” she mumbled, “but why did I have to know?”

  The maze of streets was bustling with activity. Many women were out anxiously buying the proper foods for the evening’s feast. A few neighbors acknowledged Leah, who glided past at a brisk pace, basket in hand as she respectfully nodded her salutations.

  The excitement of the festivities was bittersweet for Leah; images of Yochanan occupied her thoughts. It seemed like only yesterday that he had been with her, inspecting honey pots and dried roots, smiling at her and her ballooning pregnant belly that even her long robe could no longer conceal. He had offered every item of produce he had selected to her for final approval. Back then, he was the one easily shouldering the ungainly basket that was now weighing her down. These memories, combined with the growing anxiety of trying to help Michael and Elizabeth, sent Leah’s emotions spiraling in every direction.