She leans back against the wall, an almost defeated look on her face, which only confirms what I said. Coming here, to Vegas, it hasn’t helped her forget him. It’s only made him a bigger distraction.
‘I’ll talk to him,’ she says quietly, turning her head away from me as she stares back out of the window. ‘When we get home. I’ll tell him, to go. To leave us alone.’
‘That isn’t gonna work, Kira.’
She slowly turns her head back around to face me, and her eyes still hold traces of anger, but there’s also a resignation in there that unsettles me. ‘So what do you suggest we do, huh?’
I keep my eyes locked on hers, and a strange kind of calm washes over me, like a part of myself has suddenly become detached from the rest of me. ‘Let me watch.’
Those words I’ve just uttered, I have no idea of the impact they could cause. And she’s confused now, and I can’t blame her for feeling that way. But I know exactly what I’m doing – I’m giving her permission to see if getting him out of her system is all she needs to do. But I need to see it happen. I need to watch her as he fucks her because that’s the only way I’ll know how she’s really feeling.
‘Watch what, Neal?’
I move so I’m standing right in front of her, and I take her hand and I hold it tight because I’m about to instigate one hell of a dangerous game. Watching her fuck Kandi-Ann is one thing; that’s a fantasy, that’s play time. This is dangerous. Watching a man she’s admitted to once being in love with touch her in that way; watching him fuck her, that’s no game. I could be handing her over to him. I could be giving him exactly what he came for. But I need to do this. Because until she knows how she’s really feeling, this isn’t gonna go away. And I could lose her anyway. And that’s a realisation I wasn’t anywhere near willing to accept, until now.
‘Neal?’
But I don’t want a part of her. Not anymore. I’m done sharing her. And I know I said I didn’t care what she did with Kandi-Ann; I know I said I was OK with that, and I am. What she has with Kandi-Ann is nothing, it’s not even close to what she felt – what she might still feel for this man who turned up uninvited and invaded our world. Kandi is just her constant distraction, nothing else. She isn’t the threat I once thought she might be. He is. But I don’t want a part of her. I need all of her. So I need to know how much of her is still with him. How deep those feelings really run. I need to know if his turning up is gonna kill us. And I’ve never been more fucking terrified than I am right now.
‘Sleep with him, Kira. But you need to let me watch.’
She looks at me, and she laughs nervously, folding her arms even tighter across her chest. ‘You… you’re joking, right? I mean, this – it’s crazy!’
I wish I could tell her I was joking. Because I’m still struggling to accept what I’m suggesting myself. But I need this to happen. She needs this to happen. It’s just the way our fucked-up world works now.
‘Tell me you don’t want to sleep with him, baby. Tell me you don’t want him to fuck you…’
‘This is wrong, Neal. This isn’t the way…’
‘It’s the only way, Kira.’
She laughs again, and sits down on the edge of the bed, her arms still folded, her face a mask of confusion. But I can see it, her expression; I can see something there that makes me realise, with a crushing sense of reality, that his turning up here really has changed everything. It’s shattered our world, and what I’ve just put out there – that could shatter it even further.
I lean back against the wall and dig my hands into my pockets, staring down at the ground as a heavy silence fills the room. Neither of us really knows what to say, and I close my eyes as I try to comprehend what I’ve just done; what might be about to happen.
‘You want to know the truth?’
My eyes spring open and my head snaps up at the sound of her voice. ‘That’s all I want to know, Kira.’
‘Yeah. I do want to sleep with him. But wanting to, and actually doing it…’ She shakes her head and drops her gaze and I don’t take my eyes off her. Her body language is nervous, she’s on edge, and I feel my heart start to slowly crack. I thought I had her. I was wrong. I don’t have her. I never really had her at all. ‘I can’t, Neal.’
She doesn’t raise her gaze as she speaks. She keeps her head down, her fingers fiddling with the hem of her T-shirt and I just want to pull her into my arms and run away with her, somewhere so far away nobody will ever find us. But we’d never really be alone, I know that now. She has too many ghosts she hasn’t yet exorcised, and until she does – until she works out whether or not she wants to do that, I know we’ll never really be alone.
‘I love you, Kira. But I can’t do this unless I know you love me, too…’
‘I do.’
She finally looks up and her eyes meet mine and my heart cracks a little bit more. This is destroying me. But it’s necessary. ‘No, baby, you don’t. Not like I love you. I don’t have you totally, you’re not fully here, with me. Not anymore. Not since he turned up.’
‘I’ll tell him to go.’
I join her on the edge of the bed, dropping my clasped hands between my knees, my eyes falling to the floor. ‘We’re not fourteen year old kids, Kira. This isn’t a game, he won’t just turn around and leave because you tell him to. He isn’t gonna do that, because I’m guessing you’ve already told him to leave, more than once, huh?’
I look up and she nods, and I drop my head again. It hurts to look at her, and another crack shatters across my rapidly disintegrating heart.
‘I’m done sharing you, Kira. I’m done. Doing that.’
I feel her reach for my hand, her fingers sliding between mine and I squeeze them tight. ‘I’m scared, Neal. Of what’s happening here.’
I raise my gaze and our eyes lock. ‘So am I, baby.’
She leans in to kiss me and I cup her cheek and pull her closer.
‘I’m scared too, Kira.’
She smiles, and I keep my hand pressed against her face, her skin smooth and warm as I gently run my thumb over her cheekbone. ‘I thought we’d done being scared.’
‘Yeah.’ I smile back, and for a second I feel like I have her again. But it’s just for a second. ‘Me too.’
She rests her hand over mine and our fingers slide together, and I close my eyes and rest my forehead against hers and for a few, brief beats that silence returns. All I can hear is her breathing, and our hearts beating.
‘And if I don’t want to do this, Neal… what happens then?’
I grip her fingers tighter, and I open my eyes, pulling back slightly so I can look at her properly. ‘I don’t know.’
And I don’t. I don’t have a fucking clue. I said the words, but I didn’t really think past that.
She lets go of me and stands up, keeping her back to me as she speaks. ‘So I sleep with him…’ She swings around, and I can’t read her expression this time. I don’t know what she’s really thinking. ‘How exactly is that going to work, huh? Are you – are you gonna sit in the corner of the room and watch? Like you did with me and Kandi-Ann? Is that how this is going to play out…?’
I go over to her and hold her, wrapping my arms around her and she falls against me and I wonder if I’ve just made a huge fucking mistake here. ‘Listen, baby…’ I tuck a finger under her chin and tilt her face up to look at me, and all I want to do is kiss her until the sun goes back down and the darkness descends. We’re OK, when it’s dark. Darkness can hide a reality you don’t really want to see. But this reality is way too strong, too powerful to stay hidden. ‘Listen, I… The Playroom – the club… the private rooms…’ I bow my head and briefly drop my gaze, but I keep my palm pressed against her cheek as I breathe in deep. ‘I can watch from the office. That’s how I saw you both, before…’ My eyes drop again, but she doesn’t let it stay that way. She touches my cheek and forces me to look back at her.
‘You have cameras, huh? In the private rooms?’
I nod, an
d she stays silent for a few more painful beats, and every second that passes feels loaded and foreboding. ‘You sleep with him, in there. In one of those rooms. Because I can see it. I can watch. Baby, I need to know… I need to know what you really feel for him…’
‘And me telling you isn’t enough?’
I shake my head, because it isn’t. It isn’t enough. She can tell me anything she likes, but there’s no guarantee that I can even begin to believe her. And no amount of words can even help her convince herself. She needs to be close enough to him to feel something; to see if anything’s still there. And I need to see it happen.
‘No, Kira. It isn’t enough.’
‘This is so wrong,’ she whispers, shaking her head, and she’s right. It’s beyond wrong. It’s warped and sordid and fucked-up, but that’s how we live now.
‘I know, baby.’
‘Then why even suggest it? I’m not an escort anymore, Neal. I don’t do that shit…’
‘I’m not asking you to sleep with a client, Kira. I’m not pimping you out…’
‘Aren’t you?’
Her eyes bore into mine, and for a second I consider whether she might actually be right. But it doesn’t feel like I’m doing what she’s all but accusing me of. It doesn’t feel like that.
‘Tell me you don’t want to sleep with him, and we forget I ever said anything.’
Those words came from out of nowhere, but I mean it. If she can look me in the eye and tell me she doesn’t want to be with him – if she can do that, and mean it; if I believe she’s telling me the truth then I’ll forget I even suggested this.
But when she looks at me she stays silent. Because she can’t do it. She can’t look me in the eye and tell me what I fucking need to hear, Jesus!
‘I’m sorry, Neal. Baby, I am so sorry.’
‘We can get through this, Kira, I promise you.’
But that promise isn’t mine to make.
It’s hers.
And all I can do is wait, and watch, and hope…
Twenty-Five
Kira
The noise of the casino reverberates around me as I sit at the counter, watching Neal. He’s talking to the barman – a young, dark-haired man who doesn’t look any older than his early twenties. A handsome man, and someone who probably doesn’t intend to work bars his whole life, but then, I never intended to make my career in the sex industry. But that’s what I ended up doing. And no matter how hard I try to break free from it I don’t think I ever will. It’s always going to infiltrate my life in some way – professionally, and personally.
I glance down at my phone, which has been sitting idly in my hand for the past five minutes, and I stare at the number I’m almost one hundred per cent sure I’m going to call. And I hate myself for even acknowledging the sliver of excitement that’s taken root inside my stomach, causing it to dip and dive as my thumb hovers over the screen. I should have deleted his number. The second I’d made the decision to walk away from him – again – I should have deleted it. Blocking him wasn’t enough. But now I know why I refused to cut those ties completely. He was always going to find me, and I knew that. Deep down inside, I knew that, because the way I left things meant that was always going to happen. He was always going to find me. And I was always going to come running.
My thumb finally hits the screen, a reflex action I’m not altogether sure I was totally aware of. But it’s dialling out now, and I put the phone to my ear as I stand up and move away from the bar.
It dials out for what feels like an eternity, and I wonder if that’s a sign, a message telling me to hang up, to leave this alone; to stop poking this dangerous fire before it erupts in my face. But then he answers, and I hear his voice, his soft scouse accent, and I’ve never felt so defeated.
‘Where are you, Kate?’
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I want him to stop saying that name, I need him to stop calling me that, but he knows exactly what he’s doing, and it’s working. Because I’m letting it happen. ‘Vegas.’
‘Vegas?’
‘Neal, he – he has a place here.’ I close my eyes again, and take another deep breath. This is hard, this is so fucking hard. ‘We needed to get away. Just for a couple of days.’
He stays silent for a beat or two, and I feel my heart start to race, thumping hard and fast against my ribs. ‘I need to see you again, darlin’.’
‘I know. I… I need to see you, too.’
I sit down on a stool in front of a slot machine and look out around me at the sea of people mingling around the casino floor, the sounds of the slots and loud chatter filling the air. But it’s just background noise to me. All I can really hear is that loud voice at the back of my mind screaming at me to stop this, now, before it goes too far. But I’m not that strong anymore. With every second that passes; every time he speaks to me, touches me – the longer I’m with this man, the further away I’m pushing Kira Blu. I could cope, when I was an escort. I treat him like a client and walked away when we were done. I had a whole other life going on, I had distractions, which meant I didn’t have to think about him too much. I made sure of that. But this – this is different. I’ve walked away from everything that kept me strong, and now my defences are too weak to cope with what’s happening here.
‘When are you coming back to New York, Kate?’
‘Jon, please… I really need you to stop calling me that. It isn’t my name, not anymore. And I don’t want to be that woman again, OK?’
‘You want me to always think of you as the high-class escort I was forced to pay for? Is that how you want me to think of you now?’
‘That’s who I am.’
That’s who I need to be.
‘You’re more than that, darlin’.’
‘That’s who I am, Jon.’
‘When are you coming home?’
I turn to look at the slot machine in front of me, cocking my head slightly as I run my fingers over the bright colours and images flashing through the glass. ‘Soon.’
‘Can I see you?’
‘Yes.’
‘We need to talk, kid.’
‘I know. Jon, I… I need to be with you. Do you understand?’
Another brief silence echoes down the line and I continue to run my fingers over the glass front of the slot machine.
‘Are you… are you sure?’
No. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore, but maybe Neal’s right. Maybe I do need to get this man out of my system. Yet, in a world where nothing has ever really felt right, this still feels so wrong.
‘Yes, I… I think so.’
Another wave of silence, another chance for me to catch my breath.
‘I love you, Kira. I love you, and you know…’
‘Don’t, please, I… Not now. OK? I don’t want to do this over the phone. We’ll talk, when I get back to Manhattan.’
‘Call me. As soon as you’re home, you call me.’
I throw my head back and take one more deep breath, exhaling slowly. ‘I’ll see you soon, Jon.’
I’ll see him soon.
And something’s going to happen.
Something that could have repercussions for so many people.
Something I’m still not sure of.
Something that could change everything…
Neal
She looks stunning in a knee-length strapless black tube dress that clings to every cock-hardening curve of her beautiful body, her long legs made to look even longer thanks to the super-high heels she’s wearing. Her dark-blonde hair hangs loose around her bare shoulders, and her eyes are dark and smoky and so freaking sexy it’s all I can do not to throw her back against the nearest wall and fuck the life right out of her. But it isn’t that kind of night. Not now. Not after I asked her to sleep with an ex I didn’t even know existed, while I watch. And judge her. And decide whether we really can be together after all.
Another torrent of pain rips through me and I close my eyes and swallow down th
e last mouthful of whiskey before sliding the glass back to the bartender for another refill. Every reason why I never wanted to fall in love again is happening now. She lied to me, and I know she didn’t do that to purposefully deceive me, but she still lied to me. And what she omitted to tell me, that was big. Would it have changed the way I feel about her? No. Probably not. But I think she always knew that he was gonna come looking for her, again, and she should have told me that. She should have given me the choice as to whether I was willing to take a chance on her. But I know – I know she could have told me anything and it wouldn’t have made a difference. She became my obsession, and once that was in place there wasn’t a thing she could have said or done to change that. And she’s still my obsession. Which is why I’m willing to do anything it takes to try and keep her in my life. I need her, too much. She’s the reason I breathe. But if her heart doesn’t belong to me, fully, I can’t be with her. I don’t want to live with a shadow hanging over us, that isn’t what I signed up for.
Obsession (Forbidden #2) Page 25
