Strange Days (Bill of the Dead Book 1)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Then go.”

  ‘But...”

  “He’s your friend. And...”

  “I’m your friend, too,” Tom added.

  “Don’t press your luck. I’d like plausible deniability in case we live through this.” Then she turned back to me. “Go on. This needs to be done.”

  “But you...”

  “Can’t help much until I get my second wind. Sorry, but I need to sit this one out.”

  “I won’t leave you alone here.”

  She reached toward my pants, causing my eyes to open wide for a moment, then grabbed the gun out of my belt. “Don’t get your hopes up, Romeo. There, see? Now I’m not alone. I have the best friend a girl could ever hope for.” She ejected the magazine, checked it, and then slammed it back home. “And at least this way you won’t accidentally shoot your own dick off.”

  “Are you sure?”

  The snark dropped off Sally’s face and she suddenly looked very tired. “Tina needs her father. Bring him back to her.”

  That settled it although, in truth, the matter was already settled the moment she told me to go.

  I stepped in and gave her a big hug. “Stay safe.”

  “Ow. Not so hard. I’m not as young as I used to be.” Then she hardened her voice, sounding for a moment like the old Sally. “Don’t worry about me. Worry about anyone who tries to fuck with me.”

  I pulled away and faced Tom. “Ready to reenter the world of the living, buddy?”

  “Fuck yeah, man! And hopefully I’ll even get rock-hard abs out of the deal.”

  I didn’t know if that would be the case or not, but we certainly had rocks in our heads to be trying this.

  THE ROOM OF DOOM

  No doubt in part because everyone down here was familiar with magic – and was busy running around like chickens with their heads cut off – nobody seemed to give a second glance at the full-bodied apparition by my side.

  Well, okay, we did catch some shade when Tom turned to a nearby group of witches and announced, “I’m Casper, the friendly-dicked ghost.”

  The more things change, the more they stay cataclysmically stupid.

  I hoped Sally would be all right, but seeing how the vast majority of the denizens here appeared preoccupied with heading toward the former site of The Source, I had a feeling she was low on their priority list.

  “Dude, check it out. Castle Bitchenstein is still here!”

  I turned toward where Tom was pointing. He was right. It was hard to see, as there were no work lights stationed there, but enough illumination shown down from above for me to make out Calibra’s old lair, still standing off in the corner of this chamber.

  It shouldn’t have been a surprise. After all, it had been carved, via magical fuckery, from the same rock that made up the walls. Unlike what the movies would have us believe, it hadn’t fully collapsed when she died, although some parts had definitely gotten an impromptu remodeling during the big battle five years ago. Now it stood there in the gloom like some kind of haunted manor, minus the entrance fee.

  “We should go take a look.”

  “Really?” I asked. “You want to do that now?”

  “Why not?”

  “I thought you were in a rush.”

  “Nah. I was just bored. I mean, it’s not like Christy’s going to throw her hands up, go poof, and shit will happen.”

  Idiot! Although, maybe he wasn’t totally off. She did say it would take some time to prepare everything. There was also the fact that the final pulse hadn’t hit yet. Still, dawdling didn’t sound...

  What the?

  As I stood there debating with myself, I realized Calibra’s former lair wasn’t as empty as I’d assumed. Maybe it was a trick of the light, but I could’ve sworn I saw movement around it. Huh. That was odd, considering everyone seemed laser focused on the grand reopening.

  “You see it too?” Tom asked, echoing my thoughts. “What the fuck are they doing over there?”

  “Who knows? Maybe some of the Magi decided to slip away for a quickie before the festivities got started.”

  “We should definitely go check it out, then.”

  I turned to stare at him.

  “Seriously. They might be up to something.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “You just want to watch people fuck, don’t you?”

  “Who doesn’t?”

  Okay, maybe he had a point there.

  “C’mon, man, don’t you think it’s odd?”

  “That people might be boning in that horror house?”

  “No, that Pornhub doesn’t have a witch sex channel yet?”

  “Why the fuck would I care if ... wait. How would you even know that?”

  “Christy occasionally checks it out when she thinks nobody is watching.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. It’s hot as fuck.”

  I ... actually couldn’t disagree.

  Even so, now was really not the time for that. Tom was right, however, to question what people might be doing over there. Maybe something was going on while everyone else was busy. But if so, what?

  It was stupid to even think about investigating, especially now, but would any of my old D&D characters have been happy with not knowing?

  That settled it. When in doubt, let the gamer win out.

  “All right, let’s go.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  There wasn’t a lot of cover between us and the Hall of Doom, so we tried our best to hug the cave wall as we made our way over, letting darkness be our camouflage. Fortunately for us, unlike the prism itself – which was stuffed safely in my backpack – Tom didn’t seem to glow with his own light, becoming little more than a sentient shadow.

  As we drew near, I didn’t see any more movement. Either it had been a trick of the light or whoever was there had gone inside. Hopefully it was the latter, because otherwise we were wasting time that could have been better spent ... um, waiting, I guess.

  “Walk faster, slowpoke,” he complained.

  “Fuck you.”

  “Not if I grew tits and had a hankering for sausage.”

  “Thanks for the visual. Now shut the fuck ... ugh!”

  I dropped to one knee, my breath caught in my throat. All at once, it was like my entire body decided to seize up. My heart skipped a beat, then another, and for one terrible moment I became certain this was it. I was going to die down here, with only the dead as my witness.

  But then, just as quickly as it hit me, I felt better – not entirely, but mostly.

  “Are you okay, Bill?” Tom asked, speaking somewhat more slowly than the situation warranted.

  I looked up, noting that he seemed slightly more visible than he had a few seconds ago, almost as if he’d been running off battery power and been plugged back in to charge. When at last I stood up, it felt like I’d instantly gained about fifty pounds, but at least I was able to stand. Christy’s spell was working again.

  “The final pulse. It’s here.”

  “Shit,” he drawled, his voice pitched lower than normal. “We don’t have much time.”

  “Yeah. We should...”

  “All right. A quick peek, just to see if anyone is boning, and then we’re outta here.”

  He started forward without me, forcing me to catch up. The funny thing was, he had no autonomy of his own, yet – like an idiot – I decided to play the good friend and indulge him.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Calibra’s fortress loomed large in front of us. This close up, it was both massive and terrifying. My resolve was definitely beginning to falter, and it had nothing to do with the fact that the only thing keeping me on my feet was the magical proton pack I was wearing.

  “Come on. Don’t puss out now.”

  I so hoped he was able to get a physical body back, because I really wanted to smack him upside the head. But I forced myself onward. If the incorporeal fucktard could do this, so could I ... the guy who bullets could actually hurt.

  Goddamn. What the fuck was I
thinking?

  We rounded a corner, hugging the wall of the palace of pain, and spied the entrance. There was no door, just an opening in the rock wall. Calibra had once been the baddest mofo down here, so there wasn’t much need for a security sys...

  “Oh crap!”

  Tom spun around. “Dude, keep it down. What the fuck are you ... oh shit. Gnarly.”

  He had no idea. Slumped against the wall, hidden in shadow until I’d almost stepped on it, was a skeleton. No. More like a mummy. Down here in the deep, the process of decay had been retarded. The corpse’s skin had dried and shriveled up, but the mouth was agape as if letting out one final scream – probably from the bullet hole that could still be seen in her forehead.

  It was Firebird, a ginger-haired vamp formerly of Village Coven, at least until she’d fucked us over royally. In the end, Sally had gotten the last laugh, plugging her at close range. This was where we’d left her to rot, forgotten.

  Talk about a bad way to go. That said, she’d kinda deserved it. I would shed no tears for...

  “What the fuck are you doing?”

  Tom crouched down over the body and was thrusting his hips into its face. “Check it out. I am the ghost of skull fucks past.”

  I vaguely wondered if Sally would be horrified at the sight – her murderous proclivities having subsided some time ago – or laugh. Maybe I didn’t want to know. “Knock it off, let’s...”

  “That’s far enough.”

  Tom and I turned toward the sound of the voice. I had just enough time to make out two forms silhouetted against the darkness before I was enveloped by a pale blue glow. Oh crap.

  What felt like thousands of volts of magical energy lanced through my body, dropping me to the ground like a bad habit.

  But that wasn’t the worst of it. I heard a snap, crackle, and pop from around my neck. Though my muscles weren’t currently on speaking terms with my nerve endings, I managed to glance down enough to see sparks flying from Christy’s charm.

  That couldn’t be good.

  “Biiiillll,” Tom shouted, drawing out the syllables way too long.

  Another spell hit him, blue energy lancing through his body as if in slow motion, but it didn’t appear to faze him as...

  Wait. Slow motion?

  Fuck! The time dilation spell!

  The charm sparked again and everything resumed its normal pace. Whew, that was a close one. Oh, wait, no it wasn’t, as I was still twitching on the ground like a bug on a zap racket.

  “Eat fist, asstard!” Tom threw a punch right through one of the Magi who’d waylaid us. So nice to see he was as useful as ever in a fight. His one-liner game was rusty, too, but that was the least of my worries.

  The Magi who Tom tried to hit raised his hands for another spell, but the second put a hand on his shoulder. “Hold on, Bob. I think maybe he’s the one we were told about.”

  “Yeah, fuckers,” Tom replied. “They told you to hide your women and protect your dicks because I’m here to kick them both ... err, your dicks, anyway.”

  Oh God, this was embarrassing.

  “Where’s the...?”

  “It has to be on him somewhere,” the second mage said, pointing at me. “Drag him inside and we’ll search for iiiiiitttttt.”

  That last word played out way too long, telling me the charm was still on the fritz. I watched helpless as the two black-robed mages took what seemed to be about an hour to grab hold of me. I kept hoping the stun spell would wear off, allowing me to recover and smack the shit out of these assholes at Flash-like speeds, but all it did was go on and on.

  Sadly, I had no real clue how spells worked or affected each other, and with my brain synapses being fried, it wasn’t like I could put much thought into it. I could only guess that since they’d hit me with their stun hex before Christy’s time charm futzed out, that it could conceivably last as long as they held it in real time. If so, I’d have all the time in the world to kiss my crispy ass goodbye.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  A small eternity passed as I was dragged inch by inch toward the entrance of Calibra’s lair. Had my nerves not been on fire, I could have easily taken a nap in the time. My only solace was that the charm kept sparking. Each time it did, the spell would change from normal to bullet time and back – the few seconds of normalcy in between at least allowing my captors to make progress.

  Progress toward what, I didn’t know. But I’d have sooner they put me out of my misery than experience being tazed for what felt like hours on end.

  Tom, bless his non-existent heart, kept trying to attack them, but by the time we reached the doorway, the two Magi – both dressed as if they shopped at the same evil cult emporium – had grown used to his incorporeal state and were ignoring him.

  At last they pulled me inside and, as time resumed its normal pace again, I was relieved to find the stun spell finally wearing off. Sadly, it had taken its toll, meaning I still couldn’t do much more than twitch. On the upside, if the charm fritzed out again, the effects could potentially wear off in bullet time, meaning I could get back up and ... um, scream for help, I guess.

  I needed to remember, I was me, nothing more. Hell, it was doubtful I could have taken one of these guys in a fair fight, much less two.

  No! That was quitter talk. Save that shit for the guy currently drooling all over himself.

  Oh, wait. That was still me.

  My two captors eventually dumped me in a large chamber, deep enough in the fortress that I wouldn’t easily be found. Guess Tom had been right to want to investigate, although things appeared far more sinister than the mere quickie he’d been hoping to find.

  Bob pulled out a flashlight – surprisingly mundane for a guy who’d just blasted me with magic – allowing me to see that this place wasn’t nearly as empty as it should have been. Multiple summoning circles were inlaid in the floor, while crates of supplies were stacked against the walls. A communications array, far more advanced than the one I’d seen outside, stood off in one corner.

  Whatever this was, there was some serious shit going on in here, and it had been planned in advance. Fucking Komak! I had no idea what his game was, but it had to be some contingency designed to fuck over anyone not on his team.

  Bullshit stories about his self-respect aside, I began to see what a dickhead he was. And why not? He was a vampire. It was practically ingrained in his unholy DNA.

  “Search him!” the second mage ordered.

  “Not full body cavity,” Tom pleaded. “Nobody needs to see that.”

  I tried to flip them all the finger, but found my muscles unwilling to comply. Damnit! Fate couldn’t even give me that one small bit of defiance.

  “Wait!” Tom cried as they yanked the backpack off me. “The only thing Bill keeps in there are his tampons.”

  Moron.

  The first mage, Bob, looked at the bag for a moment, then glanced down at me. “Paw Patrol? Seriously?”

  Fucking A!

  “Open it!”

  “All right already. Relax.” Asshole Bob unzipped the pack and white light began to spill out of the opening. “This has gotta be it!”

  “Don’t touch it with your bare hands.”

  “Yeah,” Tom agreed. “Don’t touch it at all. That’s part of my collection. Nobody sells that shit except me and my little girl.”

  The two wizards continued to ignore him, which I couldn’t really blame them for. “Are you sure about this?” Bob asked.

  “Not really, but it’s the only chance we have. You want it back, right?”

  “You know I do.”

  “All of it?”

  “Of course.”

  “All of what?” Tom asked, sounding frustrated. “My dick? Because if so, open wide, fuckers.”

  “Then this is what we need to make it happen,” the second mage replied, ignoring my friend. “Let’s go.”

  Go?

  “What about him?”

  “Leave him,” number two said. “We need to get this back to
the boss.”

  “And who’s that,” Tom asked, continuing to harass them, “Prick Fury, Agent of C.O.C.K.?”

  Okay, that was a slight bit better than his earlier efforts but still not good enough.

  Tom stepped in front of the door and put his hands out, blocking the exit ... at least until the two mages stepped right through him.

  They continued onward, heedless of his protests.

  “Don’t worry, Bill,” Tom said, turning toward me. “I won’t leave you. Fuck these Asssshoooolesss.”

  Despite his protests to the contrary, I watched as Tom was dragged away against his will. It was as if he were being pulled away by invisible chains, but painfully slowly.

  I forced my eyeballs to comply and saw the charm sparking again. Time was slowing down. Yes! Now if it would only stay that way long enough for the effects of the stun spell to...

  Another spark and Tom was dragged from sight as the Magi reached the end of his tether and kept on going.

  No!

  I needed to ... needed to...

  All at once I felt woozy. It was as if the weight of a truck fell onto my chest from nowhere. I tried to take a breath and couldn’t. What the ... oh no! Christy’s charm. Yes, it messed with time, designed to keep me safe from those pulses, but it was also powered by the prism. Tom had a short leash, but apparently the power cord for the time spell was equally as limited.

  It became hard to think, and my lungs refused to fill with air.

  Tom’s protests faded in the distance, leaving me in silence. The only sound I could hear was the beating of my heart, and it was growing slower with every second that passed.

  Not now. Not like this.

  I thought of my friends as I tried to fight through the sludge slowly descending upon my mind. Tom and Ed. Christy and Cat. Sally. Even Sheila.

  My heart beat again, sounding both dreadfully slow and weak.

  I began to slip away as the darkness at the edges of my vision closed in around me.

  There came a bit of light, dim, as the amulet sparked once more, but by then it was too late. The darkness consumed me, and there was nothing I could do about it except wait and see what awful place it led me to.