FSF, May-June 2010
Page 30
I believe that you, Germany, will triumph over these creatures, though that victory will no doubt be a hard one. The Third Reich will not live forever as we had hoped but will, no doubt, fall to the tote Männer. But good German strength must eventually prevail.
For my own part, I regret my inability to foresee my own inadequacies and I regret that I must die here, without being able to help. I regret that Elsa and Helmut will never again see the sun and that they will die by my hand.
But you, who read this, take heart. We did not yield. We did not surrender here but only died when there was no other way to deny ourselves to the enemy. You will defeat and destroy them and raise your hand over a grateful Earth.
It is there waiting for you.
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Department: F&SF COMPETITION #79: HOOKED ON MNEMONICS
Our mnemonics competition—based on the solar system's planets and planetoids (Mercury Venus Earth Mars Ceres Jupiter Saturn Uranus Neptune Pluto Haumea Makemake Eris)—was a toughie. As a mnemonic, it had to be memorable, but we also wanted entries to be funny and fantastical. Congratulations to those who struck the right balance.
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FIRST PRIZE:
Mischievous village elves magically conjure jelly sandwiches. Unicorns, nutritionally possessed, hate mischievous elves.
—Dean Schramm
Key Largo, FL
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SECOND PRIZE:
Most Vulcans eat morning cereal just sporting underwear—no problem hoisting messy eggs.
—Cathy Humble
Portland OR
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HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Michael Vick endured my canine's jury statement: “Usually NFL players have more empathy."
—Nicholas Gyde
Harrisburg, OR
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My vicious, evil, mad Cyborgs just suppose unexpected new possibilities: humans might emerge!
—Bill Skidmore
Helena, MT
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Most Visitors eventually must continue journey since United Nations prohibits humans marrying extraterrestrials.
—Monica Belanger
Westland, MI
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F&SF COMPETITION #80: PICK ME UP
Create up to six different pick-up lines that work in a science fiction or fantastical setting. You can make them sweet, witty, or even sleazy (but not X-rated), as long as you can get the man/woman/otherworldly being of your dreams to notice you.
Example:
"I've come from the future to tell you that we're going to be awesome in bed tonight."
Remember to include your mailing address and phone number; if you don't, God kills an angel and Darth Vader strangles an admiral.
RULES: Send entries to Competition Editor, F&SF, 240 West 73rd St. #1201, New York, NY 10023-2794, or email entries to carol@cybrid.net. Be sure to include your contact information. Entries must be received by July 26, 2010. Judges are the editors of F&SF, and their decision is final. All entries become the property of F&SF.
Prizes: First prize will receive a boxed set of American Fantastic Tales signed by Peter Straub. Second prize will receive advance reading copies of three forthcoming novels. Any Honorable Mentions will receive one-year subscriptions to F&SF. Results of Competition #80 will appear in the Nov/Dec 2010 issue.
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Department: CURIOSITIES: ALVIN STEADFAST ON VERNACULAR ISLAND, by Frank Jacobs (1965)
These pages tempt the writer to be cleverly snide, ironic, or cynical about the books we present, and it's quite nice to find one you can be enthusiastic about.
Written by Mad Magazine's Frank Jacobs and published by Dial in 1965, this little book is a gentle spoof of the post-Victorian “boys’ books” with resolute young heroes inventing or exploring (or both). Here, Our Hero travels the titular island with Dr. Thaddeus Cranshaw, searching for the Doubt.
Yes, it's a critter, and along with the Standing Ovation, the Running Commentary, and the Appropriate Gesture (this being Vernacular Island, remember) is part of the indigenous population, all wonderfully depicted by Edward Gorey, with nary a tennis shoe or fur coat to be seen.
Jacobs's delight in wordplay was one of the strongest characteristics of his work for Mad and is the best reason to spend a quiet hour with this little story. It's not the only one, though. Alvin Steadfast is filled with good-natured whimsy, gleefully conceived and described beasts (in addition to those listed above, we encounter the Glowing Report, the Small Wonder, and the Ill Omen), and a story elevated above the level of mere punning by Jacobs's obvious affection for the very material he lampoons here.
The story has all the necessary elements: a problem to be solved, difficulties met and conquered, characters driven by purpose and determination who win out against all odds, and even a Conditioned Reflex.
You'll have fun with this one, I promise you, and you'll have as much fun reading it to your kids.
—Bud Webster
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Department: FANTASY & SCIENCE FICTION MARKET PLACE
BOOKS-MAGAZINES
S-F FANTASY MAGAZINES, pulps, books, fanzines. 96 page catalog. $5.00. Robert Madle, 4406 Bestor Dr., Rockville, MD 20853
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20-time Hugo nominee. The New York Review of Science Fiction. www.nyrsf.com Reviews and essays. $4.00 or $40 for 12 issues, checks only. Dragon Press, PO Box 78, Pleasantville, NY 10570.
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Spiffy, jammy, deluxy, bouncy—subscribe to Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet. $20/4 issues. Small Beer Press, 176 Prospect Ave., Northampton, MA 01060.
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The Ring of Knowledge delivers! Visit: www.eloquentbooks.com/TheRingOf Knowledge.html
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SPANKING STORIES: For a 38 page catalog, send $3 to CF Publications, POB 706F, Setauket, NY 11733
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Rules of ‘48 by Jack Cady. www.nightshade books.com
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Winner of the 2009 National Indie Excellence Award for best S.F.! In Memory of Central Park, a green novel set in N.Y.C. circa 2050, is as bleakly terrifying as George Orwell's 1984. www.CentralParkNovel.com
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The Visitors. $14.95 Check/MO
OhlmBooks Publications
Box 125
Walsenburg CO 81089
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The Star Sailors (Gary L. Bennett). Prometheus Award nominee. “Highly recommended”—Library Journal. $15.95 trade ppb. Major bookstores or 1-800-AUTHORS (www.iuniverse .com).
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C.M. KORNBLUTH major new biography; 439 pages; photos. $44.95 postpaid. McFarland Publishers, 800-253-2187, www.mcfarland pub.com
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Dancing Tuatara Press supernatural series, hard-to-find titles introduced by John Pelan. www.ramblehouse.com
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BIRTH OF A CHILD
FATE OF A WORLD
Think You've Heard Before...?
Think Again!
THEDA-MAISAGA.WEBS.COM
Or Place Orders At
THEDAMAISAGA@YAHOO.COM
Book 1: The End of All Peace
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MISCELLANEOUS
If stress can change the brain, all experience can change the brain. www.undoingstress.com
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Garbage bags: oversided three mil contractor bags. $90/1000. www.drdeath-thealmostsuperhero.com
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Space Studies Masters degree. Accredited University program. Campus and distance classes. For details visit www.space.edu.
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Dragon, Fairy & Medieval decor and collectibles. Huge selection of statues, swords, wall plaques and more. www.paperstreetgiftco.com
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Need a Publisher?
Go from Manuscript to Market Quickly and Affordably. www.AuthorHouse.com
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F&SF classifieds work because the cost is low: only
$2.00 per word (minimum of 10 words). 10% discount for 6 consecutive insertions, 15% for 12. You'll reach 100,000 high-income, highly educated readers each of whom spends hundreds of dollars a year on books, magazines, games, collectibles, audio and video tapes. Send copy and remittance to: F&SF Market Place, PO Box 3447, Hoboken, NJ 07030.
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Department: COMING ATTRACTIONS
Among the stories we have on tap are:
"The Precedent” by Sean McMullen, a vision of the future in which people get what they deserve (or do they?).
"The Bird Cage” by Kate Wilhelm, the story of a man who volunteers for a scientific experiment and what befalls him.
"Recrossing the Styx” by Ian R. MacLeod, a tale of love on the high seas.
We also have stories in the works by Terry Bisson, Richard Bowes, Albert Cowdrey, John Kessel, and several newcomers, including Michael Alexander and Brenda Carre. Go to www.FandSF.com and subscribe now so you won't miss an issue.
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Visit www.fsfmag.com for information on additional titles by this and other authors.