A Love Restrained

by Becky Flade

  She opened the back door and listened. It was too dark, too quiet. She was too alone. She moved through the house, turning on lights in each room. She turned the radio on and the volume up so that music flowed to every corner of her home. I hoarded my privacy like a miser. I loved being alone. And now look at me. She kicked her shoes into her bedroom closet, hung up her suit and pulled on sweats. Ridiculous.

  “Mommy, are you home?”

  She couldn’t hear the door open or close, didn’t know they were home, but Brady had the talent all youth seemed to possess to elevate his voice above any other sound. And happiness chased away the last of the shadows the music and lights couldn’t. Unlike her son, she wouldn’t be heard over the music even if she shouted. Instead, she ran down the stairs as the volume lowered.

  “Who else would be listening to that crap?”

  “I heard that.” She smiled at the two of them, her son and his father, standing side by side in front of her entertainment center. “Hey, baby. How was your day?”

  He tossed himself into her arms and hugged her. She stood and smiled at Jayson.

  “Thanks for lending a hand. I had a beastly day. Least I can do is feed you.”

  “We already ate.” He held up a small bag. “And we brought you dinner.”

  “You did?”

  “We did.” Brady beamed. “We got all the things you like. We’re going to have dessert while you eat and keep you company, right, Daddy?”

  “That’s right, little man.”

  He ruffled Brady’s hair and let the boy lead the way into the kitchen, both of them just assuming she’d follow. She sat where she was told at the table and watched, amused, as they and fixed her a plate of Chinese take-out. This is what I needed.

  “Have you mastered chopsticks yet?”

  A fun, happy memory of her and Jase from years ago came to mind. They’d had an indoor picnic followed by a black and white movie marathon. He’d tried teaching her to use chopsticks, but she’d failed miserably. A shrimp had gotten away from her and smacked Jase in the forehead. She smiled.

  “Still have to use a fork.”

  He brought her a plate and a glass of iced tea. Brady carried her fork and napkin. A moment later they joined her with bowls of rice pudding. She loved rice pudding. She leaned over to score a forkful from Jase’s bowl. He pulled it away.

  “Not until you finish all your dinner. Bad day?”

  “Right now makes up for it. Thank you.”

  “Our pleasure.” Jayson winked at Brady. “Want to talk about it?”

  “I had an angry woman in my office today making ugly accusations. Then I had to go to court on a different case altogether, which took all afternoon. When I got back to work, my boss wanted to have a meeting about the earlier scene.” She stabbed a broccoli spear with her fork.

  “What does acumation mean?”

  “Accusation, little man, and it mean someone thinks you’ve done something wrong.”

  “What did the lady say you did wrong?”

  She didn’t want to scare him with too much truth, but she didn’t like lying to him either.

  “Some people took her son away and gave him better parents. She’s mad about that. And she thinks it’s my fault.”

  “Was she a bad mommy?”

  “The people who took her son thought she was, but if she can prove she is a good mommy, they’ll give him back.” She assured him. “You don’t have anything to worry about.”

  “I know. I have the best mom and dad.”

  She shared a proud smile with her son’s father and the three of them ate in silence for several minutes before Jayson asked, “What did your boss say?”

  “He wanted to know if I was involved in the removal of Max Frye from his mother’s care.” She bit into her shrimp roll. “I said I wasn’t.”

  “So you lied?”

  “Bet your butt.”

  “I am so proud.” He chuckled as he lifted a large heap of pudding into his mouth.

  “Lying is bad. It makes the angels cry, they told us so at school.”

  “You’re right. Lying is bad. When I go to confession next, I’ll ask God to forgive me for telling a lie. But when you’re an adult like your dad and me, you’ll understand when it’s important enough sometimes telling a lie could save a life and asking to be forgiven later might be the best choice, even when you know it’s wrong.”

  The second the words left her mouth, she wished she could take them back. She just told their son it is okay to tell a lie if you have a good reason and you felt bad about it. But I can’t forgive him for doing the same damn thing.

  She stared at her plate. The lo mein shamed her. He helped her tonight and provided dinner.

  “I should go.” The legs of his chair scraped on the kitchen floor when he stood.

  The sound dug a deeper groove in her conscience. She reached out and grasped his wrist.

  “Please stay.” Her eyes met his.

  He hesitated for a long moment, holding her gaze. She couldn’t tell what he thought or felt, but he nodded and sat. With little pause, Brady launched into a conversation with his father about trucks saving her from having to do much but eat her dinner and occasionally smile. She offered to clean up, and Brady asked his dad to tuck him in.

  Her boy wrapped his arms around her waist. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, baby.” She leaned down and kissed his soft, chubby cheek. The caress set him off like a starter’s pistol, and he bolted.

  “G’night!”

  His feet pounded on the stairs and then through the hall above her head. She smiled as she washed the few dishes they’d dirtied. Jayson was responsible for making sure her baby remembered to hug and kiss her goodnight. I hurt him. He had every reason to be mad at the careless words she’d used. But he wasn’t going to stay that way. No, he wouldn’t hold a grudge. He isn’t petty like that. I am.

  When he came back downstairs, she had finished straightening up the kitchen and sat at the counter making edits to a motion on her laptop. She saved the document and powered down the laptop, meeting his gaze when he entered the room.

  “I’m going to have a beer. Would you like one?”

  She walked the few feet to the refrigerator with her head held high. The words she planned to say seemed inadequate when she’d looked at him. How can I tell him that knowing something in my head doesn’t change the hurt I carry in my heart? I don’t want him to know that, I don’t want anyone to know that.

  “I’m not staying. Goodnight.”

  “Wait. I have something I want to say.”

  She raised her hand to touch him. I don’t have that right. She released a burst of frustrated breath, pulled out two beers, and slammed the fridge door shut. The one bottle rattled on the counter top when she put it down, and she opened the other, taking a long sip before speaking again.

  “What I said earlier wasn’t fair. No, that’s not right either. It wasn’t until earlier I realized how unfair I’ve been. For months, I’ve been punishing you for doing what you thought was best. You promised you would never let anyone hurt me and the decision you made was you trying to keep that promise. I’ve been holding a grudge.”

  “Does that mean you forgive me?”

  “Yeah.” She laughed and shook her head. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

  His smile started small and grew until it reached the corners of his eyes. She’d seen that smile so many times on her little boy’s face. It never ceased to grip her heart. I’ve been prolonging the pain by holding onto it, allowing the wound to fester like an infection.

  “Okay. Give me that beer.” He took a bottle. “The woman who came into your office today does that have anything to do with the boy you were trying to help a couple months ago?”

  “Yeah, same case.”

  “How involved were you in getting him removed from her care and how pissed is your boss?”

  “Officially my involvement ended when the case did. My butt and my office are covered.” Sh
e took a sip. “Unofficially, the kid’s case worker is a friend. She and I had a conversation on our own time. But I also called in a personal favor to get the kid placed in a good foster home rather than group care like so many teens.” She worried at the label. “If my boss gets wind of any of that, he’ll have to fire me.”

  “Why did you interfere when you knew you were jeopardizing your career to help this kid?”

  “I couldn’t just sit by while the system did this kid dirty.”

  “That’s it?”

  “I needed to help him.” She shrugged. “Okay, fine, he reminded me of you. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if my parents hadn’t been there for you. And this kid has no one to look out for him.”

  “The mom doesn’t have any proof. She’s just pissed, right?”

  “Bitch is in jail. She came at me again, and she threatened Brady.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Relax. It was a vague comment about ‘my son.’ She didn’t call him by name, but it was enough to justify pressing charges and security had her in hand before she got to me.”

  “Talk about burying the lead.”

  “I couldn’t say that over rice pudding and shrimp lo mein. Not with Brady sitting at the table.”

  “No, I guess you couldn’t. You’re not worried?”

  “No, I was mad.” She laughed. “Am mad. Two people had to hold me back when I went after her.”

  “When was the last time you were at the range?”

  “I try to get there at least once a month. Sometimes more when my schedule allows. Don’t worry. He’s safe.”

  “I’m not just worried about him.”

  “Sweet but unnecessary.” Her mouth twisted. “You’re worried I’m rusty. How about you? When was the last time you were at the range?”

  “Shit, it’s been a while. I doubt I’d qualify. Gotta admit—I miss it.”

  “We could go sometime.” She hadn’t planned to say it, but she wouldn’t take it back. “Do you have a firearm?”

  “I don’t. Turned in my official weapon when I quit. The others I had were all illegal, those I turned over to ATF when the investigation ended.” He opened the fridge and took a second. Then he lifted it and his eyebrow in silent question.

  “Yeah, but just one more. The range I go to has loaners available if you’re not comfortable shooting mine.”

  “Are you comfortable with it?”

  “I’m not sure. No one but me has ever fired my piece.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Would you tell me what it was like for you when I left?”

  She thought he’d ask about her gun or her shooting preferences. His question took her by surprise.

  “Do you want to do this? We’re just getting to a good place, and you want me to dredge this back up?”

  “I think I should know. It’s not right. I don’t know what you went through, but you forgave me for putting you through it. You’re different now. I’m not sure if it’s motherhood that changed you or …”

  “Or your leaving? That’s supremely arrogant, even for you.”

  “You told me it did. The night I came back. I said you were changed and you thanked me.” His voice was quiet, and it was sad. And he was right.

  “You left, no explanation, no goodbye. I told you I loved you and you left. Gave myself to you. And you left. By choice. It more than broke my heart. It broke me. If you had come back, I would’ve begged you to stay. I had just enough pride not to go looking for you. When I found out I was pregnant, I swallowed that little bit of pride and looked for you. I searched and grieved fresh when I realized you left Philadelphia to get away from me. And I cried in the hospital, alone the night Brady was born. I swore it would be the last tears I shed for you. Is that enough or do you need to hear more before you can fully appreciate what my forgiveness is worth?”

  “I’m sorry isn’t, doesn’t…I can never make it up to you.”

  “I didn’t ask you to make it up to me. I don’t want you to. All I want is for you to be a good father and to be there for Brady. The rest of it was a long time ago. It’s in the past. Leave it there.”

  “How I’m supposed to deal with this?”

  “You’ll have to figure that out yourself.” She looked at him. “Brady turned it around for me. I told you before—I loved him from the moment I found out I carried him. My family and my friends were there for us both every step of the way. We were never truly alone.”

  “Other people were there for you, and that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

  “Well, if you insist on looking at it in the worst possible light…” She grinned and lifted her beer. He jumped off his stool and edged around her. “What are you doing?”

  “I saw someone. Outside the window.”

  “Are you sure?” She stood and pulled her flashlight from the utility drawer.

  “Of course, I’m sure. Go upstairs with Brady.”

  “I’m going outside.” Before he could argue, she opened the kitchen door and walked out onto the back step. She turned on the light and held it up near her shoulder. “Who’s out here?”

  “I think a better question would be who is in there?” Matt stepped out of the darkness.

  “Were you just looking in my window like a Peeping Tom?” She clicked off the light.

  “I got served with divorce papers today. Needed an ear.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. Why don’t you come in?” She sensed Jayson’s presence behind her in the doorway. Felt his hand on her shoulder.

  “You’re busy.”

  She watched him walk away. His movements were jerky and angry, but the set of his shoulders seemed defeated. She shivered, it got cold. She turned back into the house and locked the door. “He’s having such a hard time.”

  “That was your old partner, Shore?”

  She nodded and ran her hands over her arms, trying to warm them.

  “I don’t have the right to ask, but is there anything going on with the two of you?”

  “You’re correct—you don’t have the right to ask. But no. Matt and I are friends, and that’s all we’ve ever been. I’m also friends with his wife, Sylvie.”

  “Ex-wife,” he corrected. “I overheard. And you know as well as I do that being married doesn’t stop some people.”

  “It would’ve stopped me had it ever been an issue, but it wasn’t. They’re good people with sweet boys. I’ve been praying for them.”

  “I’m sorry I asked. I knew—know—you better than that. But he acted like a jealous lover, not a concerned friend.”

  “You and Matt never liked one another. He’s hurt, and he’s angry. He’s been trying to fix his marriage. Sylvie started dating right around the time you came back. I knew the divorce papers were coming, but I guess he figured he still had a chance. This had to have hit him hard.”

  He put their empty bottles in the recycling bin. “Are you and the wife still tight?”

  “She’s been distant since they split-up. I think she feels like I’m more Matt’s friend than hers. But I left her a message letting her know I’m here for her if she ever needs anything.”

  “Are you sure the wife knows there isn’t anything going on between the two of you?”

  “Of course.” But did Sylvie have doubts?

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your help.”

  She dropped the bag of mulch she’d hauled from the truck, looked around at her sister’s thriving dream, and smiled. “Then stop trying. You don’t ask often and I lean on you and Greg a lot. It’s the least I can do. It helps that I love being here, and so does Brady.”

  “Maybe I should ask more.”

  “Yeah, you should.”

  She slung her arm around Jordan’s shoulders as they strolled back to the truck for another load. As they stepped into the parking lot, their children ran by laughing. Jordan had set aside a plot of land for ki
ds to get their hands into the earth and plant seeds, weed, and take cuttings. She had a small staff of employees and volunteers that worked in the Noble Children’s Garden. Admission to the garden was free, but most families left having purchased small beginner’s kits for their little ones. The beginner’s kits had been Emily Donovan’s idea.

  “We never mind helping. Brady’s a great kid. We love him, and we enjoy having him. We love you too.”

  “That was random.”

  “You’ve been calling a lot less. I wanted to make sure you knew where Greg and I stood.”

  “Oh.” She leaned into the truck bed and grabbed a flat of flowers; it was Jordan’s turn to carry mulch. “I’ve been offering Jase extra time with Brady when opportunities present.”

  “How’s that going?”

  “It’s good. Jayson and Brady have developed a wonderful relationship. Having answers helped me put the past to rest. I feel…lighter, maybe, more at peace now that my mind and my heart are no longer at odds. The friendship with Jase is new and built on a lot of hurt, but I think it’s good. Where do you want the gerbera daisies?” Jordan pointed, and Kylee turned. “How’s Emily these days? I haven’t seen her since Jayson came back and I can’t help but feel like she’s avoiding me.”

  “Mrs. Donovan’s great. We don’t talk about you, Jayson and Brady. We agreed on that when she started volunteering, and we’ve stuck to it since hiring her on full-time. I don’t know if she’s avoiding you and I’m not going to ask.”

  “I wasn’t hinting. I wouldn’t put you in an uncomfortable spot. Just wanted to know she was okay. I care about her.”

  “I think she’s better than okay. Since Jayson’s come back, she’s happier. Brady calls her GiGi now, instead of Mrs. Dee like the rest of the kids. And she’s on today, due in any minute. She’ll be working in the Garden with the ankle biters. I don’t let her lift heavy loads if I can avoid it.”

  “That’s why I’m here.” They started back out, arm in arm.

  “A few more trips. Then we’ll move to set-ups and displays. Think of it this way, it is great exercise.”