Sweet Myth-tery of Life

by Robert Asprin

  Suddenly, I was very aware of the absence of my bodyguards. When I had given them their assignment to distribute my unwanted cash, it had been under the assumption that I was in no particular danger while here at the palace.

  Now, I wasn’t so sure.

  I had noticed back when we first met, when I was masquerading as King Rodrick, that Queen Hemlock had a nasty, perhaps even a murderous streak in her. There had been no evidence of it lately, but then again, I wasn’t aware of her having received any bad news of a degree such as I was bringing her, either.

  I shook my head and told myself I was being silly. At her worst, the Queen was not taken to open, unpremeditated violence. If it looked like she was taking the news badly, I could simply gather the crew and skip off to another dimension before she could get around to formulating a plan for revenge. There was absolutely no reason for me to need bodyguards to protect me from her. Right?

  I was still trying to convince myself of this when I reached the Queen’s chambers. The honor guard standing outside her door snapped to attention, and it was too late for a graceful retreat.

  Moving with a casualness I didn’t feel, I knocked on her door.

  “Who is it?”

  “It’s Skeeve, Your Majesty. I was wondering if I might speak to you if it’s not inconvenient?”

  There was a pause, long enough for me to get my hope up, and then the door opened.

  “Lord Skeeve. This is a pleasant surprise. Please, come right in.”

  Queen Hemlock was dressed in a simple orange gown, which was a pleasant surprise. That she was dressed, that is, not the color of it. The first time she had entertained me in her quarters, she had been naked when she opened the door, and it had put me at an uncomfortable disadvantage for that conversation. This time around, I figured I was going to need all the advantages I could muster.

  “Your Majesty,” I said, entering the room. I looked about quickly as she was shutting the door, and, when she turned, gestured toward a chair. “Please, if you could take a seat?”

  She raised a questioning eyebrow at me, but took the indicated seat without argument.

  “What’s this all about, Skeeve?” she said. “You look so solemn.”

  There was no way of stalling further, so I plunged in.

  “I wanted to let you know that I’ve made my decision regarding marrying you,” I said.

  “And that is?”

  “I ... Your Majesty, I’m both honored and flattered that you would consider me worthy of being your consort. I had never dreamed that such a possibility existed, and, when it was suggested, had to take time to examine the concept.”

  “And . . .” she urged.

  I realized that no amount of sugar coating would change the basic content of my decision, so I simply went for it.

  “My final conclusion,” I said, “is that I’m not ready for marriage at this time ... to you or anyone else. To try to pretend otherwise would be a vast disservice to that person . . . and to myself. Between my work and studies as a magician, and my desire to travel and visit other dimensions, I simply have no time or interest in settling down right now. If I did, I would doubtless end up resenting whoever or whatever had forced me to do so. As such, I fear I must decline your kind offer.”

  Having said it, I braced myself for her reaction.

  “Okay,” she said.

  I waited for a moment for her to continue, but when she didn’t, I felt compelled to.

  “As to your abdicating the throne to me . . . Your Majesty, I beg you to reconsider. I have no qualifications or desire to be the ruler of a kingdom. At best, I’m a good advisor . . . and even that’s only with the considerable help of my colleagues and friends. I fear that if I were to attempt to undertake such a responsibility, the kingdom would suffer badly ... I know I would . . . and . . . and . . .”

  My oration ground to a halt as I saw that she was laughing.

  “Your Majesty? Excuse me. Did I say something funny?”

  “Oh Skeeve,” she gasped, coming up for air. “Did you really think ... Of course I’m not going to give up the throne. Are you kidding? I love being Queen.”

  “You do? But you said . . .”

  “Oh, I say lots of things,” she said, waving a negligent hand. “One of the nice things about being royalty is that you get to decide for yourself which of the things you say are for real and which should be ignored.”

  To say the least, I was confused.

  “Then why did you say that if you didn’t intend to follow through?” I said. “And how about your marriage proposal? Didn’t you mean that, either?”

  “Oh, I meant it all right,” she smiled. “But I didn’t really expect you to want to marry me. I mean, why should you? You’ve already got wealth and power without being tied down to a throne or a wife. Why should you want to stay here and play second banana to me when you could be off hopping around the world or wherever it is that you go as the one and only Great Skeeve? It would have been fabulous for me and the kingdom to have you tied into us permanently, but there weren’t any real benefits for you. That’s why I came up with that abdication thing.”

  “Abdication thing?” I echoed weakly.

  “Sure. I knew you didn’t want to be a king. If you had, you would have kept the throne back when Roddie had you pose as him. Anyway, I figured that if you didn’t want it bad enough, it just might make a big enough threat to lure you into playing consort for me instead.”

  She made a little face.

  “I know it was weak, but it was the only card I had to play. What else could I do? Threaten you? With what? Even it I managed to come up with something that would present a threat to you and that menagerie of yours, all you’d have to do is wave your hands and blink off to somewhere else. It simply wouldn’t be worth the effort and expense to keep tracking you down ... no offense. Going with the abdication thing, I at least had a chance of getting you to consider marrying me . . . and if nothing came of it, no harm done.”

  I thought of the days and nights I had been spending agonizing over my decision. Then I thought about throttling the Queen.

  “No harm done,” I agreed.

  “So,” she said, settling back in her chair, “that’s that. No marriage, no abdication. At least we can still be friends, can’t we?”

  “Friends? “I blinked.

  Even though I had met her some time back, I had never really thought of Queen Hemlock as a friend.

  “Why not?” she shrugged. “If I can’t have you as a consort, I’m willing to give it a try as a friend. From what I’ve seen, you’re pretty loyal to your friends, and I’d like to have some tie to you.”

  “But why should that be important to you? You’re a Queen, and the ruler of a fairly vast kingdom to boot.”

  Hemlock cocked her head at me curiously.

  “You really don’t know, do you Skeeve? You’re quite a powerful man yourself, Skeeve. I’d much rather have you as an ally, to the kingdom and for myself, than as an enemy. If you check around, I think you’ll find a lot of people who would.”

  That sounded remarkably like what Badaxe had pointed out to me earlier.

  “Besides,” the Queen added, “you’re a nice guy, and I don’t really have many friends. You know, people I can talk to as equals who aren’t afraid of me? I think in the long run, we have more problems in common than you realize.”

  “Except I’m in a better position to still be able to do what I want,” I finished thoughtfully.

  “Don’t rub it in,” Hemlock said, wrinkling her nose. “Well, what do you say? Friends?”

  “Friends,” I smiled.

  On an impulse, I took her hand and kissed it lightly, then stood holding it for a few moments.

  “If I may, Your Majesty, let me add my personal thanks to you for taking my refusal so well? Even if you more than half expected it, it still must have stung your pride a bit. It must have been tempting to make me squirm a little in return.”

  The Queen threw back her
head and laughed again.

  “It wouldn’t be real smart of me to give you a rough time, now, would it?” she said. “As I said before, you can be a real help to the kingdom, Skeeve, even if it only means hiring you occasionally as an independent contractor. If I made you feel too bad about not marrying me, then you wouldn’t ever want to see me or the kingdom again.”

  “I really don’t know,” I admitted. “The court of Possiltum gave me my first paying job as a magician. I’ll probably always have a bit of a soft spot for it. Then, too, Your Majesty is not without charm as a woman.”

  That last bit sort of slipped out, but the Queen didn’t seem to mind.

  “Just not quite charming enough to settle down with, eh?” she smiled. “Well, let me know when you have some leisure time on your hands, and maybe we can explore some alternatives together.”

  That really took me aback.

  “Ahh . . . certainly, Your Majesty. In the meantime, however, I fear it’s nearly time for my colleagues and I to take our leave of Possiltum. From what Grimble tells me, the kingdom is nearly back on solid financial footing, and there are pressing matters which require our attention elsewhere.”

  “Of course,” she said, rising to her feet. “Go with my personal gratitude, as well as the fees you so richly deserve. I’ll be in touch.”

  I was so uncomfortable about the reference to our fees, that I was nearly to the door before her last comment sank in.

  “Umm . . . Your Majesty?” I said, turning back to her. “One more thing. Next time you need me, could you just write a note like everyone else instead of sending me a finger? It was a bit unnerving when it arrived.”

  “No problem,” she said. “By the way, could I have the finger back? If nothing else, I’d like to have the ring to remember Roddie by.”

  “I thought you had it.” I frowned. “I haven’t seen it since our conversation when I first got back here.”

  “Hmm ... I wonder where it’s gotten to. Oh well, I’ll put the maids to work looking for it. If you happen to come across it in your things, be a dear and send it back to me?”

  “Certainly, Your Majesty. Goodbye.”

  With that, I gave her my deepest bow and left.

  Chapter Twenty

  “Meanwhile, back at reality ...”

  G. Lucas

  I FELT AS if a huge weight had been lifted from my back! For the first time since my return from Perv, I was in control of my own destiny!

  No more wondering about what I should or shouldn’t do about marrying Queen Hemlock for the good of the kingdom, or the good of the team ... or the good of civilization, for that matter. Things were back in perspective! My future was mine to do with as I wished, without the pressure of trying to sort out what was best for others.

  I found myself whistling to myself as I strode through the castle corridors, something I hadn’t done in a long while, and had to fight the temptation to break into a jig.

  As soon as that realization hit, that I was resisting a temptation, I immediately did a little hop-skip.

  I was through trying to judge everything I did on whether or not other people thought it was proper ... or, more specifically, whether I thought other people would think it was proper. From now on, I was going to do what I wanted to do ... and the rest of the world, or the dimensions at large, could just bloody well adapt!

  With that decision, I threw in an extra high kick. It may not have been classic dance, but it felt good. Heck! I felt good. Better than I could ever remember feeling.

  I became aware of a couple people staring at me from afar, and a few more craning their necks for a better look. Rather than feeling embarrassed or self-conscious, I waved at them gaily and continued my prancing.

  I had to tell someone! Share my new-found happiness with my friends. They had all stood by me through the bad times. Now I wanted to be with them when I felt good!

  I’d tell Bunny ... no, Aahz! I’d tell Aahz first and then Bunny. My partner deserved to be the first to know.

  “Hey Boss! Skeeve!”

  I turned to see Nunzio beckoning me from the other end of the corridor. I was surprised to see him, and started to wave. Then it dawned on me that this was the first time he had ever called me to join him instead of the other way around. A feeling of alarm swept away my earlier euphoria.

  “Come quick, Boss! It’s important!”

  My fears were confirmed. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

  I hurried to join him, but he moved off down corridor ahead of me, looking back from time to time to see if I was following.

  “Wait for me, Nunzio!” I called.

  “Hurry, Boss!” he replied, not slackening his pace.

  I was starting to get a bit winded trying to catch up with him, but if anything he seemed to be increasing his speed. Then he ducked down a flight of stairs, and an idea came to me.

  When I reached the stairs, instead of descending normally, I vaulted over the railing and used my magik to fly (which is really levitation in reverse) after him. This seemed to be a bit faster than running, and certainly a lot easier on the lungs, so I kept it up. I managed to catch my breath and catch up with my bodyguard just as we were emerging into the palace courtyard.

  “What’s this all about, Nunzio?” I said, slowing my speed to match his pace.

  Instead of answering, he pointed ahead.

  There was a group of people gathered in the courtyard. Some were guards or other people I had seen around the palace, but there also seemed to be a batch of costumed characters with them. Then I saw Guido and Pookie in the group . . . and Aahz!

  “Hey Aahz! What’s happening?” I called.

  At the sound of my voice, the whole group looked in my direction, then fell back slightly and . . .

  And then I saw what they were gathered around.

  “GLEEP!”

  My pet dragon was lying on his side, showing no sign of his usual energy and life.

  I don’t recall landing ... or of moving at all. I just remember crouching at my pet’s side and gathering his head into my lap.

  “What’s wrong, fellah?” I said, but got no response. “Aahz? What’s the matter with him?”

  “Skeeve, I ...” my partner began, but then I saw it.

  Protruding from Gleep’s side, just behind his leg, was an arrow!

  At that moment, I felt my pet stir in my arms, weakly trying to raise his head.

  “Take it easy, fellah,” I said, trying to sound soothing.

  Gleep’s eyes found mine.

  “Skeeve?” he said faintly, then went limp, his head falling back on my lap.

  He had said my name! The first thing he had ever said other than the sound that had given him his name.

  I carefully eased his head onto the ground and rose. I stood looking down at him for several moments, then raised my eyes to the surrounding crowd. I don’t know what my expression was, but they all gave ground several steps as my gaze passed over them.

  When I spoke, I tried to keep my voice soft and level, but it seemed to come from far away.

  “All right,” I said. “I want to know what’s been going on here . . . and I want to know now!!”