Lungdon

by Edward Carey

  ‘I am considering it.’

  ‘We gave you shelter, we gave you food.’

  ‘I spit at that. You tried to kill me, have you forgot?’

  ‘A misunderstanding.’

  ‘Oh look! There are your worn teeth set in your skull.’

  ‘Please, please, Iremonger.’

  ‘Lucy Pennant, that’s my title – say it.’

  ‘Servants are not to …’

  ‘Lucy Pennant, right now, or I swear I’ll have you before the constable in a little moment.’

  ‘Lucy Pennant,’ she gasped.

  ‘You’ll remember that now, shan’t you?’

  ‘I have never forgotten it. The pain you caused us downstairs, the upset to the family upstairs. A child from dirtiest Foulsham.’

  ‘Careful, careful.’

  ‘What do you want from me?’

  ‘For starters, I’ll be having that nice silver you’re holding.’

  ‘Oh no.’

  ‘Oh yes.’

  ‘It is most necessary to keep the family in funds. Remember your place.’

  ‘I have no place, and I’ve a hunger all of my own. The silver, please.’

  It was handed over.

  ‘Now go!’ she spat. ‘Out of my sight.’

  ‘Dearest Aunty!’ I said, acting up. Two policemen walking swiftly by having come back, I put my arms around the horrible housekeeper and as I leant forward to kiss her, I bit at her cheek. She didn’t call out, and soon enough the constables were down the line. Fifty of them now. Something’s up.

  ‘Get off me, filth!’

  ‘Now, now,’ I said, ‘play nicely, Claar.’

  ‘Go, please, leave me be.’

  ‘There’s something else I want.’

  ‘I’ve nothing else, you have it all.’

  ‘I want Clod. Is he nearby? Is he with you down the line? Clod, my Clod?’

  ‘Never yours, was always to be Pinalippy’s.’

  ‘But he never cared for her, did he? It was me he wanted.’

  ‘I’ll not deny it. Been making a regular disgrace of himself, ruining the furniture, on account of you.’

  ‘He has, has he? Oh Clod! Tell me all about it!’

  ‘Because of misery and grief, because you were dead.’

  ‘But I’m alive. He needn’t fret so. Where is he? Oh Piggott, I could even kiss you. Tell me where he is.’

  ‘Why should I?’

  ‘Tell me where he is and I’ll run away this instant. I’ll never bother you again. Come on, quick now, the coppers have smelt something. What a load of them there is, like there’s going to be a riot. Come on now, spill the beans.’

  ‘No, I shan’t tell you, I don’t know, do I. If I did I’d hardly say.’

  ‘Where, Claar, or I’ll call the coppers.’

  ‘No you shan’t. You’re all fired up about seeing Master Clodius, you don’t want to be taken in, you’re all in a flush over Clod.’

  ‘I am, yes, indeed I am. I almost love London for it!’

  ‘Well then, you’ll be wanting to live, won’t you?’

  ‘Yes, yes I do now.’

  ‘Then go hunt for him. I shan’t tell you. Be more than ever my life’s worth, to betray the family like that. No matter what our circumstances, nothing, nothing would make me do it.’

  ‘If you don’t say then I shall follow you, I’ll keep by you and you’ll never be shot of me. Oh Piggott, you’ll show me where he is. I’ll keep with you, you’ll never outrun me. Come on, quick now, the police are on the move.’

  ‘I serve the grandparents, high Umbitt Owner and my lady. He’s not with us. He never came with us.’

  ‘Where is he then, where’s Clod? Quickly, quickly!’

  ‘He’s with his Pinalippy. That’s for certain. But as to where that is I don’t know. That’s the truth of it. We all scattered, wasn’t safe to be so many together.’

  ‘Where? Where?’

  ‘I tell you I don’t know!’

  ‘Where did you see him last, tell me that at least? Quick, they are nearly upon us!’

  ‘On Connaught Place, where we were all hiding, but we all fled, we all went everywhere, there’s no telling is there, all gone and fled. To come together in two mornings’ time – that’s after one night now – after one night then, upon Westminster Bridge.’ She had been relaying the information too quickly, she put her hand to her mouth. ‘I never said that.’

  ‘Yes you did.’

  ‘It’s Connaught Place, there I saw him last.’

  ‘Connaught Place.’

  ‘Yes, we were all there.’

  ‘Clod’s alive! And in a misery because of me!’

  ‘Yes! Last I knew.’

  ‘Clod’s alive!’

  I left her then, I took the silver.

  Police coming fore and aft, how to get through all that, how on earth to manage. Coming closer and closer, coming thick and fast, I’d be taken any second. Heard the cry.

  ‘Stop! Stop this instant!’

  I stood still and waited, closed my eyes. Heard it.

  ‘Stop or we shoot.’

  But I had stopped. I had stopped already!

  ‘HALT!’

  And then a gun went off, such a loud shout of gun. Where did it get me? Where was I shot? It didn’t hurt, the shock of it was too much, must’ve been. Where did they get me, where was I bleeding, for I must be hurt and bloody somewhere? I dared myself to open my eyes. No police by me. They’d run right on and there, lying on the street ahead of me, was Ingus Briggs the underbutler, in a pool of his own blood, still wearing his butling uniform. I could even see the bay leaf collar and all about him table linens scattered in the dirt, bits he’d come to pawn no doubt, moving around his body, caught up in the wind. Ingus Briggs, shot in the street.

  That’s when I really ran.

  Otta Iremonger

  Otta Iremonger

  Otta Iremonger

  Otta Iremonger

  22

  COUNTING OBJECTS

  Continuing the narrative of Clod Iremonger

  I Heard them Calling

  In my dreams I heard them, those particular sounds, sounds of lost names. In my sleep, clear as anything.

  ‘James Henry Hayward.’

  ‘Ada Cruickshanks.’

  My plug.

  And Lucy’s matchbox.

  Calling to me, like they were so near I could almost touch them, that I could almost hold them.

  I woke up very suddenly. Pinalippy was right in front of me, her face very close to mine.

  ‘Sleep well?’ she asked.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I said. ‘Where ever are we?’

  ‘Lungdon, my heart, Lungdon. Only one day and one night between now and our reckoning on Westminster Bridge, and I must keep you safe until then.’

  ‘I had such a dream!’

  ‘I must wake you, Clod. It is very necessary that I do it. You see there are policemen in all four corners of the square. Miss Eleanor here’s been out already demanding news, and she’s been told to keep in, that there have been reports of disease spreading along the street and so now the street has been quarantined.’

  ‘Good morning, Clod,’ said Eleanor. ‘They’ve put up blocks at all exits to the square. We’re not to go out, we’re to stay put and wait until there’s new permission for us to move on again. Just like my great aunt and her servants, people on this very square, Clod, have changed too. It’s all blocked off, apparently, between Hyde Park and Regents Park. The army’s been called in too from Knightsbridge Barracks, to keep us in our places. What a strange, unhappy holiday this is.’

  ‘Let us think of it in a good way, if we can,’ put in Pinalippy. ‘Now we’re sealed off, no one can get to us; we’re being guarded here, it may be very useful. If we stay here unmolested we may bide our time until we need to go out again. Yes, it may be good news. We can get to know each other better, can’t we, Clod?’

  ‘We are to put strange new objects,’ said Eleanor, ‘ine
xplicable things, things we never knew before, on our front doorstep so that they may be taken away. They say it’s essential we do this, to avoid the sickness spreading. Do you think that will keep us well, doing that? Do you think it might?’

  ‘I cannot say precisely,’ I admitted. ‘It may, perhaps.’

  ‘Then I shall do it. I’ll gather up Great Aunt Rowena and Knowles and Pritchett, I’m going to wrap them in blankets to keep them warm. It seems so cruel, I think. I scarcely know what makes sense any more. I am glad you’re here, I will say that. I don’t know quite what I should have done all on my own. I suppose I must gather them up, mustn’t I?’

  ‘Well then you do it,’ said Pinalippy, sitting down. ‘I don’t know what’s what here, so I can’t really be of any help. Best if we Iremongers don’t peek out on the whole, and we may as well be comfortable whilst we’re still able. Yes, I like me a nice sofa.’

  ‘I’d like to go out,’ I said.

  ‘We wouldn’t want to lose you, Clod. Stay close, and stay warm. You may share this sofa with me.’

  ‘Oh Pinalippy!’ I said, remembering. ‘I had such a dream, such a dream as I’ve never heard before.’

  ‘Lucky you, I barely slept at all.’

  ‘I heard my plug as if he was very close, as if he was in this room.’

  ‘Did you?’ said Pinalippy, and looked quite put out by it, as if it shocked her somehow. ‘I shouldn’t worry over it very much,’ she said, though her voice wavered. ‘It doesn’t mean anything. Rippit has your plug, remember, and I’m sure he’ll look after it. Sometime, if I can, I’ll get it for you, just as soon as I have the chance. Don’t put any store by your dreaming, though, you’re just feeling the withdrawals, only natural after all. You’re yearning for it, well of course you are. I do miss my doily so. You’re doing very well, we both are, under trying circumstances.’ She concluded by tapping me on the head whilst keeping her body as far from me as possible, as if she feared rather to get close suddenly.

  ‘It wasn’t just my plug I heard.’

  ‘Oh yes? Something else?’ she asked. ‘My doily perhaps, finding its way into your dreams?’

  ‘I heard Lucy’s matchbox too, like as it was so, so close to me.’

  ‘Well!’ said Pinalippy. ‘I’m suddenly finding this sofa and this company most uncomfortable. I don’t call that very fair or nice, Clod, I really don’t! How could you! Just as we were getting on so well!’

  ‘What? What have I said?’

  ‘If you can’t tell then you’ll never know, will you!’ yelled Pinalippy and she ran from the room.

  ‘Oh dear,’ I said. ‘Whatever have I done now?’

  ‘Well I heard all that,’ said Eleanor, who’d come back in holding blankets, ‘and not to put my nose in where it’s not wanted, but it seems to me that you’ve insulted her.’

  ‘Really? Did I? I never meant to.’

  ‘Then you should think a little, Clod, shouldn’t you, before you speak.’

  ‘What did I say?’

  ‘I hardly mean to understand you people, but judging on what I know about how we of London behave: it’s considered ill form to talk of a former flame in front of your fiancée.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Ah.’

  ‘Yes, well then, now you have it. If you want me to give you some lessons on how to behave in society then I am ready and waiting. You do need some schooling, it seems.’

  ‘But I never wanted to marry her.’

  ‘I shouldn’t say that to her either.’

  ‘It was Grandmother’s idea.’

  ‘And clearly an idea that Pinalippy at least feels favourably towards.’

  ‘Ever since we were babies they said we must.’

  ‘Then you should have gotten used to the notion by now, shouldn’t you? Heaven knows there’s many a family in London that has such arrangements, many a good family.’

  ‘But then I met Lucy.’

  ‘I would think in these days when people collapse willy-nilly into things, when people all over the city are being lost and broken, are dying, Clod, dying, then it shouldn’t be too much, should it, to show a little kindness, a little affection amongst all the pain and horror. This is my Great Aunt’s house, Clod Iremonger, and if you can’t act more like a gentleman here and less like a dirty person I’d rather you left!’ And as she concluded she turned about very forcefully.

  ‘Where are you going?’ I asked.

  ‘I am going to comfort Miss Pinalippy, and then I am going to take the remains of my Great Aunt – whom I loved very much – outside with what’s left of her people and leave them on the doorstep, like common rubbish! That is what I am going to do!’

  And so she was gone.

  Barely awake five minutes and I seemed to have upset two women already. I’m not very good at this, I thought. It’s not my strong suit. We were all stuck with each other, that much was true in this fallen great aunt’s house, and I was sure that Eleanor was right, we should try as much as we could to get along.

  The Shrinking House

  All about the house through the day we scratched and itched like we had developed allergies to one another, and the mere sighting of one of our fellows was enough to bring us down deep into misery and headache. Irene Tintype alone was moving contentedly about the house, looking into every room and cupboard, and when she found a place locked, she glared through the keyhole, and so it was that she came to a particular room upstairs.

  ‘Oh!’ she cried. ‘There’s a man in the bathroom!’

  ‘Oh help!’ said Binadit.

  Irene was at the keyhole.

  ‘I see you! I see him.’

  ‘Not to come in. Not to.’

  ‘Hullo there!’

  ‘Hullo.’

  ‘I’m Irene Tintype.’

  ‘Binadit am. Though “Benedict” she called me.’

  ‘Benedict?’

  ‘Then now there’s two of you called me that.’

  ‘Benedict!’

  ‘Hullo! Thank you!’

  ‘Benedict!’

  ‘Say again!’

  ‘Benedict!’

  ‘Do like it!’

  ‘Hullo, Benedict, whenever are you coming out?’

  ‘Not to.’

  ‘Shy, are you? Don’t be shy.’

  ‘Must to keep in the bathroom.’

  ‘I see you! Through the keyhole.’

  ‘I see you!’

  ‘Hullo!’

  ‘Hullo!’

  The two of them were laughing away.

  ‘When are you going to come out?’

  ‘Mustn’t, Clod says.’

  ‘Mr Clod! Mr Clod!’

  ‘Yes, Irene,’ I said, ‘what is it?’

  ‘The Benedict of the bathroom says that he mustn’t come out.’

  ‘And indeed, Irene, he must not.’

  ‘Oh dear, poor man in the bathroom. The poor Benedict.’

  ‘It is much better this way,’ I said.

  ‘Has he done something very wrong?’ she wondered.

  ‘No, no, it’s just that if he came out something very wrong might happen.’

  ‘Oh poor man in the bathroom, just the other side of this door. There’s no harm if I sit here and talk with him, is there?’

  ‘Not much, I suppose, but please do keep the door closed. Are you all right, Binadit?’

  ‘Benedict,’ Irene corrected.

  ‘All right,’ he said. ‘All right!’

  ‘Then please, Mr Clod, do please let us alone.’

  ‘Very well then,’ I said.

  ‘Hullo,’ said Irene through the keyhole. ‘I’m Irene Tintype. Not Irene like clean, but Irene like tweeny.’

  ‘Ree. Knee. Tin. Type.’

  ‘May I keep you company?’

  ‘If you stay at the door!’

  ‘Well then, here I am.’

  ‘And come no closer.’

  ‘This close and no more, Benedict Bathtub.’

  By mid-morning I still hadn’t seen Pinalippy again
. Though I felt her hurt, as if it was a certain smell that could be sniffed all about the house, that the whiff of Pinalippy’s mood was somehow entering into our bodies making us that bit more restless.

  ‘And how do you feel, Eleanor?’ I asked when I found her in the sitting room.

  ‘I’m so turned outside in that I can’t exactly say. I keep looking at all the things about and wondering if that’s what I’ll be in a little moment. I can’t stop thinking of Mother and Father, of my poor Great Aunt.’

  ‘May I join you?’

  ‘Oh please, please do. I would dearly like some company other than poor Aunt’s dolls.’

  ‘Would you tell me something about London,’ I said, ‘to take the bad thoughts away?’

  ‘What do you want to know?’

  ‘Everything.’

  ‘Very well then.’ Eleanor cleared her throat and began to quote figures she had remembered from her studies: ‘The mean annual temperature is fifty-two degrees and the extremes eighty-one degrees and twenty degrees – the former generally occurring in August, the latter in January.’

  ‘It was warmer in Foulsham,’ I said, ‘on account of the heaps.’

  ‘London,’ she continued, sitting very upright, speaking in the voice of a guidebook, ‘is situated very nearly exactly at the centre of the terrestrial hemisphere, which goes a long way, don’t you think, in explaining its commercial eminence?’

  ‘Erm … yes?’ I suggested.

  ‘The number of houses is upwards of 298,000. There are ten thousand acres of bricks and mortar. Of inhabitants, 2,336,060.’

  ‘All here? All in London!’

  ‘Yes, Clod. The Prime Minister is Benjamin Disraeli; the leader of the opposition Mr Gladstone. The Queen is …’

  ‘Victoria.’

  ‘Victoria, as you say. London has more than doubled in size in the last fifty years and grows steadily in all directions.’

  ‘It is alive then, the city, isn’t it.’

  ‘You may say that, I suppose. It has a great deal of everything, of rich and of destitute, of short and tall, fat and thin, and kind and cruel, of course. It is also,’ she said, breaking off the guidebook’s voice, sounding fully herself again, ‘my home.’

  ‘Here I am, sat beside a true Londoner.’

  ‘I am a school-aged girl and there are many thousands like me, each working their way towards becoming an adult.’