Return to Abundance

by Shanna Swenson

  To even think he’d thought about killing himself… She’d finally understood it last night and had cried not for the words he’d said to her, not because he couldn’t forgive her, but because she finally understood exactly what he’d lost when he’d done it. It was as if a light bulb had gone off. She’d had an epiphany.

  Natalie truly understood how he felt, probably more than anyone else. She was well aware of loss and fear and anger and suffering, and Nathan was feeling all of this and couldn’t let it out. His fight was all he had left.

  “I just know that you don’t need his stress on top of everything else,” her mother went on.

  “No, I don’t need it, but I love my brother, and I want to ease his pain.”

  “We all do, honey. When you figure out how let us all know, huh?” Corrine replied, sarcastically.

  That was the problem. How did you help someone find peace with killing another person? It made no difference if they deserved it or not. That’s what Nathan was living with. He felt unworthy, and how would anyone convince him otherwise?

  They ordered lunch and ate contently, despite Natalie’s growing concern for her brother. Dallie giggled at her grandmother unaware of the turmoil in her family. After more shopping and ice cream, they headed back to the house later on in the afternoon. Dallie was in good spirits today, excited about meeting her future sibling and talked all about how much she was going to love the baby, no matter whether it be a girl or boy. Once again, Natalie burst into tears that night before bedtime thinking about what Dallie had said and her unconditional love for the kin she had yet to know. Jack held her tightly in his capable arms, secretly cursing Nate she knew, as she searched for understanding in his gorgeous moss green eyes.

  “Baby, please, stop this?” Jack pleaded and swiped at the tear-soaked hair on her cheeks. “This stress isn’t good for you…or the baby.”

  “I just need him to know that I understand.”

  “Why, Nat? For years you and Nathan didn’t even speak to one another! Why, now, does it matter so much?”

  “Because… I’ve lost him before and I can’t lose him again.”

  The phone rang that night well after 9 PM and Nate sighed. He picked it up after the third ring, having to get up off the couch where he sat in the living room watching TV with a beer in his hand to answer it since Jordan was upstairs working out.

  “Hello?” he asked, a slight annoyance in his tone.

  “Nathan?”

  “Natalie!” He breathed a sigh of relief, what a good feeling it was to hear his sister’s sweet voice. He smiled for the first time in days.

  He had wanted to call her for the last three days now, but he was scared it might upset her, and he certainly didn’t want to have deal with the wrath of his protective brother-in-law. Nate felt horrible about making her cry like he had and being a source of her stress. Jack had been right about all the things he’d said.

  “Nate, I need a big favor.”

  “Sure! Anything!” He yearned to hug her to him and tell her how truly sorry he was for all he’d done wrong over the last year. He’d been reading his affirmations that the priest had given him, and he wanted to make things right again.

  “I need you to come watch Dallie for me. Mom and Dad are in Denton tonight, of course, and I can’t get Jordan to answer…and Luth and Bella aren’t home. I’m in labor.”

  “Oh my God! Ok! Umm…yeah…of course,” he stammered. “I’ll be right over.”

  “Good. Thank you so much. I’m sorry to bother you. I just didn’t know who else to call.”

  “No, it’s no trouble, no trouble at all. I’m leaving right now.”

  “Ok. See you soon.”

  “Ok!” He smiled as he hung the phone up. He walked back through the living room, into the foyer and looked up to Jordan who stood at the staircase. “That was Natalie.”

  “Oh?” Her eyebrows went up in question.

  “She’s going to have the baby…now…tonight. I need to go watch Dallie.”

  “Oh, yay! I’m so excited! Hang on, let me change real quick and we’ll go.” She smiled and ran to her room.

  It didn’t take her but about 5 minutes to change and throw a bag together before she ran down the stairs. As she did so, Nate put his shoes on and grabbed the keys to his truck. Jordan grabbed her purse and they headed out the door.

  It was a clear night and a bit chilly as they hopped into his truck. He looked over to Jordan who smiled at him, and his heart did a little flip flop. She was the source of his contentment these last few days.

  He’d come home feeling completely dejected after Jack had kicked him out of his house. He’d run straight up to a surprised Jordan and he’d taken her right there on the kitchen counter in mindless abandon. He’d driven into her, hard and deep, as if he were punishing them both. His body had been quivering in anguish, his fist grabbing at her clothes, trying to hold onto some sense of stability, his breathing had been in spasms and he’d cried in her arms as he fought for release, climbing higher and higher, needing and seeking. She’d kissed him and soothed him and eased him down to the floor where she mounted him and gently, softly, began to ride him and love him with her body and her eyes and when his release came it was beautiful and earth-shattering. He’d lost himself to her eyes, eyes of sweet understanding. Things had been different between them ever since. He hadn’t fought with her; he hadn’t insulted her. They’d simply been content in each other’s company.

  Jordan grabbed his hand as he turned off the road and into Kinsen Ranch. They passed beneath the lighted arch and his heart began to pound. He was anxious about seeing his sister…and his brother-in-law. He steeled himself as his truck pulled in front of the house, and they got out.

  Jordan was the first to the door. She knocked twice and opened it.

  “We’re here!” she called out, Nathan following her in.

  “Shh,” Natalie scolded. “Dallie’s asleep.” She couldn’t help but smile at Jordan’s enthusiasm.

  “Oh, sorry! Well, look at you,” Jordan whispered. She motioned to Natalie who was fresh out of the shower, her hair done and make up on. “You look lovely.”

  “Thank you. I know babies take a while, so at Jack’s utter distress, I decided to shower and all that.” Jordan just shrugged and grabbed her friend in a hug.

  “I’m so excited!”

  “Me too.” Natalie then looked over to Nate whose heart literally ached at seeing her. The awful things he’d said to her came rushing back at him, and his stomach lurched.

  He said nothing as he pulled her gently into his arms and kissed her forehead. A peace came over him then, and he looked down into her face. He saw something in her eyes he couldn’t quite place as he pulled back slightly. She smiled up at him lovingly, and it took his breath.

  “Please, my love, can we just—?” Jack came bounding out of the kitchen then stopped in his tracks. “Nate?” His tone sounded all too familiar as he clinched his fists at his sides. Uh oh! Jack didn’t know that Natalie had called him.

  “Jack, honey, please calm down. I know this is your first baby, but I promise we don’t have to rush to the hospital. We have time,” Natalie stated, looking over at her husband. Jack closed his eyes for a brief moment, a stern look on his face as he approached.

  “Jordan.” Jack smiled tightly, greeting Jordan, trying to hold onto his composure. He extended his hand to her, and she pulled him in for a hug. He then approached Nathan and looked down at his wife with such love that it made Nate flinch. His gaze then flew to Nate, and the tender look was gone, contempt had replaced it. Nate slowly pulled back from Natalie and took Jack’s extended hand and pumped it. “Thanks for coming,” Jack stated.

  “Of course,” Nate said mechanically. He’d upset Jack greatly, and it would take some time to regain his trust. For now, all Nate could do was just be there for them and show them that he was trying.

  After another 15 minutes of getting things ready, Natalie left them with a set of detailed instruct
ions and kissed them both on the cheek, thanking them profusely as Jack impatiently hauled her out the door, bags in tow. Now, there was nothing to do but wait.

  Chapter 10

  Savannah Grace Kinsen was born at 2:20 AM on February 26th with a beautiful head of maple brown hair and a great set of lungs. Her father was thrilled and her mother was doing great. Her older sister couldn’t be more pleased as Nathan handed the little 7 lb. 7 oz. infant over to her. Dallie sat in a big chair beside her Aunt Jordan and looked down in awe at the tiny bundle in her little arms.

  “Wow! She’s beautiful, Mommy!” Dallie exclaimed as she looked down into her sister’s tiny face, and Jack kissed his wife with passion as tears came to Natalie’s eyes. She looked back over at her daughters, tears streaming down her face.

  Nathan’s sister looked amazing. She was so happy, and Nate couldn’t help but feel utter joy for her in those moments. As he’d held his tiny new niece for the first time, his heart felt suddenly at peace. In that moment, he couldn’t pinpoint exactly when, or really why, his resentment had started for his sister. Looking into the tiny face of her child made it all seem so trite in comparison. The anger, the rage, the internal battle he had fought so long seemed to disappear in the infant’s wake. Nathan was in awe of the concept of life and how amazing it was. He had kissed her little cheek and felt total pardon. He’d walked over to his sister then and kissed her cheek and told her for the first time in a long very time just how much he loved her and that he was truly sorry for all the hell he’d put her through. The eyes that met his were full of complete understanding and elation, and he knew in that moment that things were going to be so much better between them.

  Jordan played master photographer and cried tears of joy as she snapped shots of Dallie holding Savannah, Nate holding Savannah, pictures of Savannah by herself and of course, with her proud father and mother, having Nate adjust the blinds, the lighting and instructing them on how to pose. It had them all laughing, but he knew that they would be more than pleased with the outcome, so no one complained. She then handed the camera over to Nate, instructing him how to use it so that she too, got a picture of herself with the baby.

  It wasn’t long before his parents and Jack’s ranch hands showed up along with Luther and Bella and lastly Buck, and of course, more pictures were taken. Savannah was passed around and gawked over and photographed until she’d had enough and began screaming. Jack got her then and handed her back over to Nat who began to nurse her. They had been there for hours when Natalie motioned Nate and Jordan over to her.

  “Hey, can you guys take Dallie with you?” she whispered quietly as the baby at her breast groaned.

  “Of course! She doesn’t want to stay with Mom and Dad at your house?” Nate asked, surprised.

  “No.” Natalie gave a shrug. “She said she wants to go with y’all, if that’s ok?”

  “Yeah, absolutely,” Nate insisted.

  “Just have her take a bath, and make sure she eats something. She may bug you, but if she’s too much, call Momma to come and get her.”

  “She’ll be fine. You worry about this one; I got the other one,” he said and stroked the back of Savannah’s hair. “I’m happy for you, sister.” He kissed her cheek then, and she smiled up at him, a truly happy smile, and it made his heart soar. “Come’ on, little one. Let’s get you home.”

  He took a sleepy Dallie’s hand and led her out the door, along with an emotional Jordan. They piled into the elevator with his mom and dad who were going out to get food for the Jack and Natalie. It was about 1 PM now, and they hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Nate’s tummy growled.

  “Are you sure you don’t wanna come with us, Dallie?” David asked. Dallie shook her head, her little blonde curls bouncing.

  “No, thank you, Paw-Paw. I want to go with Uncle Nate and Aunt Jordan.”

  “Alright. Well, if you change your mind, we’ll be at your Mom and Dad’s, ok?”

  “Ok.” She smiled up at Nate, and he couldn’t help but feel a sense of satisfaction. He truly didn’t deserve this sweet child’s affections, but there she was, loving him just the same.

  “I tell you what, squirt. What about we go get something to eat then you come back and help Uncle Nate with a foal? Your Mom and Dad won’t be too mad at me if I put you to work, reckon?”

  Dallie’s little face lit up in a grin. “Nah!”

  They had gone to a local restaurant for a late lunch, stopped in at Natalie and Jack’s house to grab more clothes for Dallie and got back home by 3:00 PM. Nate held Dallie’s little hand in his as he walked them to his barn. He stopped to talk to his ranch hands on the way in.

  “Zack, you remember my niece, Dallas?”

  Zack stopped what he was doing to make a point to greet Dallie. “Well, yes, I do. Ms. Dallas Kinsen, you are looking lovely as ever.” Dallie just smiled a big semi toothless grin up at him and giggled sweetly. She had lost a couple of her baby teeth recently, the permanent ones were in the process of coming in, but it added to her precocious innocence. He also greeted Eric and Mitch, whom he still wasn’t very happy with, Cass and Billy Bob, who grabbed Dallie up to give her a hug and a tickle.

  “Dallie, you’re getting taller every time I see you, kiddo,” he stated, putting her down.

  “Daddy says I’ll be as tall as Mommy one day.” She grinned up at him matter-of-factly.

  “Oh, I don’t doubt that one bit.” He patted her head.

  Nate grinned at her and took her hand again. “Let’s get to work, munchkin.”

  He led her into the pen of an 8-month-old Palomino filly named Marigold. The beautiful little golden pony looked up at them as they entered and shied away towards the back of the fence. Dallie immediately went into her element and began softly cooing to her and gently approached the pony from the side, taking hold of her halter and rubbing her cheek and throat latch, calmly whispering into her ear. Dallie’s hands moved up the horse’s small neck and crest and then to her forehead. The horse and Dallie were pretty close to the same height, and he thought the little filly might respond better to her than she had to him. Marigold had been in a bad accident and lost her mother recently and was given to Nate just three days ago.

  He watched Dallie work as if there were nothing more important in the world and slowly and surely, the filly began responding to her commands. Her natural abilities and the ease of her prowess never failed to leave him speechless. She worked side by side with her father almost each and every day despite that she was in elementary school now. It was her passion, and Nate knew one day she would be famous for it. She had a gift unlike any he’d ever seen, and she was just six years of age…It was utterly incredible. To watch her do the things she did at such a young age just blew him away. Her familiarity and knowledge went decades beyond her age, and it showed with each horse she touched. Nate shook his head as she led Marigold right up to him.

  “Dallie, how do you do it? Really?”

  She just shrugged. She was oblivious to her innate talent. The truth was that she just loved horses. Nate laughed in disbelief.

  “She’s ok now, Uncle Nate. She just needed some reassurance. She was sad and needed some company.”

  Again, Nate was speechless as Billy Bob came over to see the progress.

  “Ha, I’ll be damned.” He slapped Nate on the back. “There she goes again.”

  Jordan had a hearty supper ready for all them that night, but left shortly after to take some food to Natalie and Jack, leaving Nate and Dallie to their own devices after she helped Dallie get a bath. Dallie came running to Nate after she was dressed in a long pink nightgown, carrying her big stuffed pink pony. He grabbed her and made a big deal about her tackling him and how big she was getting. She smelled like fresh soap, her curls damp against his hand, and he laughed along with her, again feeling that pang of regret he always got when he thought about what all he’d missed out on when she was younger because he wasn’t around. Oh well, there was only one way to make up for lost time.


  “You wanna watch a movie?” Nate asked. Dallie smiled and nodded. “Which one this time and don’t say—”

  “Black Beauty.” Nate feigned exasperation at that and got another laugh out of her.

  “So, what do you think of your baby sis?” he asked as he searched for the movie amid all of the others in his entertainment center.

  Dallie shrugged. “She’s ok. She’s a little boring…”

  He laughed heartily. “Well, she’s just a baby. It’s gonna take some time before she’s big enough for you to play with her. Trust me. One day you’ll enjoy having a sister.”

  She just nodded obligingly then gave him a serious look. “Uncle Nate? Why are so mad at Mommy?”

  There were so many things he simply could never explain to her, and honestly, didn’t want to have to, even when she was old enough to know the sordid past her family had gone through. He looked down, not really knowing what to say, but then he looked back up into her eager little face.

  “I’m not mad anymore, Dallie. I was…for a long time. I guess mostly I was just jealous of your Mommy.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she had things that I didn’t have, things that I lacked. She knew what she wanted in life, and I really didn’t. Then I didn’t know how to make things right, but then you and Savannah came along, and I realized that there are things more important than being angry… family, Dallie. That’s the most important thing!”