Protector

by Michelle Horst

  I point to the cabin just as Camden is helping Skylar out from the spot we were hiding.

  “He didn’t get you. Thank God!”

  Camden helps Skylar to stand. “He went after you, so he must’ve figured he got us. Did you take care of him?”

  “I did,” Griffin says, his words sounding final. “But Volkov is still alive. It’s a mess, man. I don’t even know where to go from here.”

  “Let’s first take care of Miles and Amelia, and … my dad,” Camden says, swallowing hard. “Then we can sit down and see where to go from here.”

  Camden sounds heartbroken and the fact that Skylar is staring at the ground scares me. She just lost her brother and must be feeling the shock of it now.

  I know what that feels like. She’ll never be the same again, and that’s so sad. I walk over to her and place my arm around her.

  “I’ll take Skylar to the house and look at her wound. She can’t stay out here.”

  I don’t know where my strength is coming from. We’re all broken, but somehow, all our broken pieces fit together right now.

  I know I can’t break down. I have to be strong for Skylar, Camden and Griffin. They were there for me in the aftermath of my family’s deaths. It’s now my turn to be there for them, no matter how much my heart is aching. I lost two friends, but they lost a part of their family.

  I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know anything anymore.

  I’ve been sitting on the couch in Griffin’s office since Camden came back and took over watching Skylar.

  Sitting with Skylar gave me something to do to keep my mind busy. I cleaned her wound and put a bandage on the same way Amelia cleaned mine. It doesn’t look like the arrow went too deep, but I’m no expert. I’m sure Camden will look at it.

  She let me help her into clean clothes and then I just sat by her. I didn’t have any wise words to offer her. Amelia was the wise one. She would’ve known what to say.

  Charlie is at my feet and his eyes are so sad that I can’t look at them for long without breaking down in tears.

  I’m too scared to move from this spot. I’m scared of the silence. I’m scared of all the empty rooms.

  How is it possible? One second, you’re surrounded by people - people you’re starting to care about - and the next they’re gone.

  You hardly have any memories to hold on to.

  Amelia said I should let the good memories live on, but how can I do that when every single person I care about is taken from me?

  What have I done to deserve this? Where did I go wrong in my life that I have to be punished like this?

  I don’t understand death. How can you understand something so final … so devastating?

  How am I supposed to understand any of this?

  Miles and Amelia will never get to tease each other again and pretend that they don’t love each other.

  I’ll never get to wash dishes with Miles again, never just be able to lean on his silent strength. I never got to tell him thank you.

  I’ll never get to share my thoughts on a book with Amelia again.

  Death is final. Death takes everything from the person that stays behind. Death takes the love you felt for the person. Death takes the good memories.

  Death is emptiness - a hollow emptiness that shines a bright blinding light on your sorrow and pain.

  Emptiness breeds emptiness. Pain breeds pain. Nothing good comes from those consuming emotions.

  I get up slowly. My feet ache from the pressure I’m putting on them and tension of the night is catching up to me. Every one of my muscles feels tender. I’m cold and tired.

  I can hear movement in the house and then a harsh, “Fuck!”

  I follow the sounds and find Griffin at the bottom of the stairs. There’s a small pool of blood by the side of it. He’s on his knees, busy wiping it up.

  I turn to go fetch another cloth and a bucket of water. I kneel down beside him and start to wipe up the lifeless blood. The blood already looks old, dark in color.

  Griffin suddenly takes hold of my hand and pulls the cloth from it.

  “I’ll do it. Go get yourself cleaned up,” he snaps angrily.

  My eyes linger on his face, which is pale except for the dirt smeared on the side of his cheek. I glance down at his hands and then take in the rest of him. He’s covered in dirt. There are dark circles already forming under his eyes and a hard line around his mouth.

  “Did you bury them?” I ask. I need to know that they aren’t still out there.

  “Yes,” he snaps.

  It’s so sad that they won’t be getting a proper burial. But it’s better than leaving them out in the cold. Not that they will feel the cold anymore.

  I shake my head, trying to get rid of the morbid thoughts. Focusing on Griffin helps me to shove my own pain and grief to the back where the emotions aren’t as sharp.

  “You should go get cleaned up,” I say, my voice sounding numb to my own ears.

  Griffin stops wiping at the blood and drops his chin to his chest. It’s as if my words broke through something. A simple sentence is the final blow.

  Just like the night at the pool he breaks down and for some reason he doesn’t care that I’m here to witness it when he’s at his most vulnerable.

  His shoulders shudder under the heartache and he doesn’t even bother wiping the tears from his cheeks.

  I take the cloth from him and throw it in the bucket.

  I might feel the sharp sting of their deaths but he’s feeling the full blow, the same way I did after the night my family was killed.

  He needs me now like I needed him and Amelia.

  “Come.” I help him to his feet and then place an arm around his waist, hugging him to me. He leans into me, and it breaks my heart that such a strong man looks so defeated.

  Griffin~

  How much can one man take before he breaks?

  I’m tired, just so fucking exhausted. It’s not the kind a good night’s rest can cure. I feel old and drained.

  I’m still trying to make sense of everything. How did it all turn to shit so fast?

  Burying Amelia, Miles and Mr. Perry without a proper service was the hardest thing I had to do in my entire life. They deserved more than that.

  Camden and I stood in silence at their graves for a while. There are no words for the loss we feel, for the betrayal.

  Mikhail is buried in the woods. I played with the idea of leaving his body out there so the animals could feast on him – but I’m not a savage.

  There is one thing I’ve realized - life hurts you. It breaks you and wears you down so that you want to die. When you’re young, you fear death because you have so many dreams and hopes. As you get older those dreams and hopes are crushed. Life prepares you for death.

  The loneliest thought crosses my mind. I’ve caused so much pain that no one would care if I lived or died. I don’t matter anymore. I don’t belong anymore.

  I let Riley take me to my room. She pulls me in the direction of the bathroom, and for a second I want to pull back. I don’t care if I’m clean or not. I just want to sleep.

  It’s funny, I’ve never been one to sleep a lot, but now I just want to get to that bed. Maybe I’m trying to fool myself into thinking that I can hide from it all in the darkness sleep brings.

  “Stand here,” Riley says, leaving me by the counter. I lean back against it as she opens the faucets and checks the water temperature.

  I frown when she takes hold of her top and pulls it over her head. Next she takes off her leggings and then she comes to stand in front of me in just her underwear.

  My eyes trail over her body. She’s so fucking beautiful, it makes my chest ache even more. I nearly lost her, too.

  She takes hold of my shirt and starts to pull it over my head. Only then does a sliver of common sense return to me.

  “What are you doing?”

  Her eyes dart up to mine and the wounded look in them lashes at my heart. Was it j
ust yesterday I thought that I wanted to see her smile? Now I can’t even make myself smile. I’m a fucking joke.

  She pulls the shirt over my head and then whispers softly, “I’m going to get you clean and in bed. You’ll feel better after some sleep.”

  She unbuckles my belt and I just stand and watch her. She’s very careful when she undoes the zip of my jeans and it almost makes me smile. Almost.

  She goes down to her knees as she pulls the jeans down my legs and then glances up at me.

  “Can you step out of them?”

  I do as she asks and then watch as she shoves our clothes into a corner. She takes my hand and pulls me into the shower.

  With my back leaning against the tiles, I let the water wash over me. I wish it could wash away everything - the failure, the sorrow – just everything.

  Riley takes the shower gel and squirts some into her hand. She works it into a lather, and then starts to wash my right arm. Her touch is soft, more like a caress.

  I’ve never needed anyone to clean me before. I’ve never been so low in my life before, and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I’m supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to be a man, and men don’t break.

  Some man I am, ha! I fucking crumbled like a sand castle. I feel alone, so fucking alone it’s debilitating.

  I don’t even move when Riley finishes taking care of me and quickly washes herself.

  She turns off the water and grabs a towel. She dries me first and then she wraps the towel around my waist.

  “Take off your wet boxers and get in bed,” she says, trying to sound serious.

  Her cheeks flush and I lift my left hand to her face. I brush my thumb over the pink swell of her cheek and then place a kiss to her forehead, silently thanking her for taking care of me.

  I walk into the room and strip out of the wet boxers before I get under the blankets and then stare out the window.

  Riley has a towel wrapped around her as she moves to close the curtains. The sun is up already, but it still feels like night.

  I’m like the sun. I scorch everything that comes near me.

  “I feel as lonely as the sun,” I murmur. I had no intention of saying them out loud, but they found their own way over my lips.

  Riley kneels down next to the bed and brushes her fingers lightly through my hair. Her eyes turn soft as she looks at me.

  “You shine so bright. Your warmth can unfreeze a frozen heart. Your light shines brighter than a thousand suns. It’s the only light that can penetrate this darkness I’m frozen in.”

  Her honesty hits hard. I keep looking into her soft, green eyes and wish I could disappear in them.

  “How is it possible that someone like you even exists in this fucked up world?” I reach out a hand to her because I have to feel her. I move back and pull her into the bed next to me. I hold her tight to my chest and soak up the warmth coming from her skin. I place my chin on her head and close my eyes.

  “You should hate me, but you’re still here. I’ve destroyed your life and you still find it in you to comfort me.”

  “It’s not your fault. Everyone makes their own choices in life. Life is going to hit hard and we just have to decide if we’re going to keep getting up. We’ve both lost so much - but I still have you. I still have Skylar and Camden and Charlie. If I don’t focus on what I still have, then I’ll be swallowed whole by the empty space left by those I don’t have anymore.”

  Riley’s words find an echo inside me.

  Focus on the ones you still have. I still have Riley. I still have my promise to Riley.

  As if she can read my mind, she whispers, “I promise I’ll always be right behind you.”

  Her promise brings a wave of unexpected warmth, and it’s just too much. I hold her tighter, as tight as I can, and I start to cry like a man who has lost it all.

  I grieve while clinging to the only thing I have left in this world – Riley.

  Riley~

  As soon as Griffin falls asleep, I slip out of the bed.

  I go to my room and get dressed, this time putting on some socks, too, and then I go in search of Charlie.

  I find him in the library, curled up on Amelia’s chair. I go sit down next to him and just hug him.

  “I’m so sorry, Charlie,” I whisper. My eyes land on his ear, where the arrow clipped it. “How’s your ear?” I gently brush my hand over his head, inspecting his wound. It doesn’t look bad. I’m just going to leave it as it should heal in a few days.

  I leave Charlie on the chair and go downstairs. I quickly wipe up the rest of the blood and then throw the cloths and water away. I wash the dishes and then start a pot of chicken soup. Mom always said chicken soup could cure anything.

  As long as I stay busy, I don’t have to face the brutal reality of what happened. As long as I make this house feel alive, I won’t be reminded of all the death.

  I check on the chicken soup one more time. I set it to cook slowly. It should be ready when everyone wakes up.

  I fill Charlie’s bowl with food and water and then take it up to him.

  I pick up the book Amelia left on the coffee table and open it. Heartache makes me freeze when I realize it’s her journal. It’s the one with all her quotes in it.

  My eyes fly over the words, drinking them in.

  ‘You’re stronger than you think. You can do anything you put your mind to.’

  ‘Life is filled with lessons. You either learn from it and life will move on, or life will break you. Either way, life will make sure you learn the lesson you were meant to learn in the first place. You might as well make it easy for yourself and stop fighting life. Learn the fucking lesson the first time life comes knocking.”

  Anger bubbles up in me and I throw the book.

  “What fucking lesson?” I scream and grab hold of my hair, yanking at it. I need to feel physical pain so I won’t feel this all-consuming pain that’s destroying me. I sink to my knees and cry out, “What lesson? I don’t understand.”

  I take deep breaths, calming myself down. I can’t lose it now. I have to keep it together.

  I slow my breathing and let go of my tears, and then I crawl to where the book is. I pick it up and open it on a random page.

  ‘The biggest lesson you can learn in life is that you’re just a human being. You have no control over life. You get given choices and each of them will take you down a path. Some paths are filled with happy moments. Those are good choices you’ve made. Some paths are filled with nightmares. That’s because you made the wrong choice, and life is forcing you to make another choice, hopefully a better choice. If you keep making the wrong choices then you’ll keep walking down the wrong path and life will keep forcing you to make new choices. Make the right choice now and find your happy path.’

  “So all this is happening because I’m making the wrong choices? What choices? I didn’t have any choices!” I yell at Amelia’s quote as if she can actually hear me.

  I sit and stare at the floor for the longest time, trying to make sense of everything. I told Griffin it’s not his fault – because it’s mine.

  I didn’t show them that I appreciated them so life took them from me.

  I have to leave. If I leave, Griffin, Camden, Skylar and Charlie will be safe. If I stay, they will be taken too.

  My breaths come faster and faster, making my mouth dry. I run out of the library, not quite sure what I’m doing, or where I’m going.

  I dart down the stairs and in my moment of stupidity and grief, my foot gives way and my body lurches forward. My hip slams into the next stair and I quickly grab hold of the banister so I don’t fall down the rest.

  I lie still for a moment, totally stunned by what just happened.

  “Riley,” Griffin calls from upstairs.

  I push my upper body up just as Griffin reaches the top of the stairs. He’s only wearing a pair of jeans that’s hanging dangerously low on his hips. He rushes down and crouches next to me.

  “What happened?’ He looks o
ut of it, as if he just woke up.

  “I slipped. I was having a stupid moment. I’m sorry if I woke you.”

  “Stupid moment?” he asks as he helps me to stand.

  Embarrassment washes over me at having to admit the level of stupidity I sank to.

  “I cleaned a little, and then I started a pot of chicken soup,” I start to ramble. “I got some food and water for Charlie, and then I saw the book. When I opened it, I saw it was Amelia’s journal and she was saying things about life teaching you lessons, and that you have to learn your fucking lesson or life will just keep making these awful things happen. I’m sorry, Griffin. I’m sorry for not learning my lesson sooner.”

  He frowns darkly and takes hold of both my arms.

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “I thought, if I leave, then you’ll be safe. I took everyone for granted and life took them away from me.”

  His blue eyes stare deep into mine and then he shakes his head, looking just as exhausted as before he went to bed.

  “You have to be so sorry that you saved me. I’ve brought you nothing but heartache.”

  Griffin tightens his grip on my arms and steps right up to me.

  “I’ll never be sorry for saving you. So you can break, Riley. You can shatter to pieces. I’ll pick up every single piece and put you back together, but never ask me to let you go. That’s not an option. You’re looking for a reason, for something to blame, and that’s where all this crazy talk is coming from. They’re not gone because you took them for granted. They’re gone because we all fucked up on that mission. I won’t be safe if you leave. I’ll be in danger of losing myself completely. You’re all I have left, Riley. You’re the only person I have left. I can’t let you go.”

  He pulls me into a tight hug and I close my eyes as his strong arms wrap around me.

  “I can’t make sense of all this meaningless killing,” I whisper.

  His hand caresses my hair as he places a kiss to the side of my head.

  “You don’t have to. The best thing we can do right now is just deal. You’re a mess and I’m a mess. Let’s just be a fucked-up mess together.”