She has a way of undoing me and putting me back together with her words.
I’ve been lying awake the whole night.
I’ve told Riley I’m going on this mission a million times – in my mind, of course.
No matter how many times I run the lines over in my head, they never sound right. I’ve never had someone I cared so much about. It’s a possessive feeling, wanting to hide her from the world.
With everything that happened in the last few months, I’m scared it might be too much for her to handle.
How do I tell her that I’m going after the man who took our families from us?
How do I tell her I might not make it back to her?
She stirs next to me and then turns onto her side so she can face me.
“What’s keeping you awake?” she asks softly. I can hear the fear creeping into her voice. She knows something is up. It’s amazing how attuned we are to each other.
I cover my eyes with my arm and take a deep breath.
“We’re going after Volkov. He’s been spotted in Mexico.”
“We?” She sounds small, and I hate that I’m the one making her feel that way.
“Camden, Carson and myself.”
“Where will Skylar go?”
Just the fact that she’s still thinking of other people makes me care for her even more. She’s such a selfless person. I know she feels that she’s being punished for not caring enough, or not showing that she cares enough, and it’s something I hope I can help her work through. I just need to survive somehow and make it back home to her.
“She’ll be coming here if that’s okay with you? You can stay in my room and let her stay in yours.”
Her fingers wrap around my wrist and she pulls my arm away from my face.
“Of course she can come here.”
I want to promise her that I’ll come back. I want to comfort her, but I can’t do it with false words. It’s the one thing I can’t do. I can’t comfort her with a lie, even if it’s to protect her. There’s a scary possibility that I’ll lose this battle.
“I’ll make sure everything is in order before I go.” I can at least do that. I’ll make sure she’s taken care of should I die. Tomorrow, I have to make sure all my paperwork is in order.
“When?”
“The day after tomorrow,” I whisper, closing my eyes because I feel like a coward. I’d rather face Volkov than face the fact that I’m letting her down. I don’t want to see that bruised look in her green eyes, knowing that I’m the one responsible for it.
I hear her move as she gets up off the bed.
“Charlie,” she calls and then I hear the sliding door open. She has Charlie and that offers me some comfort.
The normal excitement before a mission is missing. It feels like I’m standing on the edge of a gaping, bottomless hole. One wrong step, and there’s no coming back.
Riley~
Nothing in life is permanent. I think that’s the lesson I’m supposed to learn.
Every time I take a step forward, it feels like life is dragging me back a hundred steps.
When you’re young, life is supposed to be full of promises. I traveled the world. I saw cultures and places most people only dream about.
Then I came home with a heart filled with dreams. I wanted to fall in love. I wanted to get married and have Dad walk me down the aisle.
I wanted to spend hours with Mom looking for the perfect wedding dress.
I wanted to dance at my wedding with my brothers.
I wanted to start a career or have children. I wanted to make uncles of Josh and Logan and grandparents of Mom and Dad.
And then I lost them along with all those dreams and hopes.
I thought I was making friends when I met Amelia and Miles. They understood me. I thought I found a place I could maybe belong again.
But then I lost them, and life just shoved me back another hundred steps.
Griffin.
I close my eyes, a tear slipping down my cheek.
They say the third time is the charm, but they’re wrong. The third time is just another chance for life to hurt you.
After Griffin and I made love, I really thought that I could dare to dream again … I could dare to hope.
This last week was a total turn-around.
I fell in love.
I felt amazed that someone like Griffin could feel the same way about me. I felt courageous, able to face the future without my family. I felt that maybe Griffin and I could have a family of our own one day.
I felt a little stronger. I felt a little braver. I felt hopeful and cherished.
When Griffin practically claimed me, I felt ecstatic. I felt happy that this strong and caring man actually wanted me.
It felt like finally, something was going right for me. He helped me contact the lawyers. He sorted out the rental of the storage spaces. He took care of me.
And now he’s leaving me.
Like I said, nothing in this life is permanent.
When Camden and Carson arrive, I’m a mess. Camden says that Skylar went back to college. She didn’t want to come here. I’m so distraught that Griffin is leaving me that I don’t even greet Carson properly.
Skylar is clever. Going back to college will keep her busy. She still has her dream to live for.
I’ve switched over to auto-pilot. I’m also hiding in my room with Charlie. That way, I don’t have to face what’s coming
I’m sitting with my back to the door when I hear it open. I know it’s Griffin without having to turn around.
“Please don’t say anything,” I whisper. “Just leave. Don’t make me promises. Don’t lie to me. Just don’t say anything, close the door behind you, and walk away.”
He hesitates, and I squeeze my eyes tightly shut. He walks closer to me, and then I feel his breath on my hair. He presses a kiss to my head and he lingers for a few minutes, not pulling away immediately. I hear him take a shuddering breath and then his fingers twist into my hair. He pulls away slightly and his ragged breaths send wisps of hair into the air. He presses another quick kiss to the top of my head. and then he lets go.
I want to turn around and grab him to me. I want to beg him to stay. I want to beg him to run away with me. I don’t care if I have to run for the rest of my life, as long as I’m with him.
But I don’t move a muscle. I hold my breath as he pulls away from me.
He walks to the door and then he hesitates again before he closes it behind him.
And just like that he’s gone.
I curl up on the bed and bury my face in the cover. I feel Charlie nudge against me, but I can’t make myself move.
Griffin has taken the last of my will to live. Now I just want to lie here and die.
Griffin~
“I see four men at the back entrance,” Camden’s voice crackles over the radio. “Three on each side and another five patrolling along the front. They’re definitely guarding something of worth. You really think Volkov might be in there?”
“I’m not sure.” I hate not being sure. It feels like I’m going in half blind and it’s increasing the risk even more. Right now they have the upper hand.
With it being just the three of us, we’re spread thin. Things can go horribly wrong at any moment.
I shift, reaching for the radio when it crackles again. Carson’s voice comes over the radio.
“We have a jeep heading for the main gates.”
I keep an eye on the main gate and then the jeep comes into view. “Copy that, I have a visual. I can’t see who the occupants are from my position. See if you can get a closer look.”
“I’m on the move,” Carson says, and I hear him grunt as he gets up.
The guards open the gates without checking the jeep and that tells me it’s someone of importance. Four guards surround the jeep, and then a man dressed in an expensive black suit gets out.
There’s a back ski mask over his head. For a second I contemplate that he could be a hostage,
but then the man adjusts his jacket and I get a clear view of the gun tucked into the holder under his arm.
“You think that could be Volkov?” Camden asks the million dollar question.
I sure as fuck hope it’s him. I want to get this mission over and done with so I can get back to Riley. I hate the way we left things.
“Yeah, that way no one would ever get a good look at his face.”
We wait for the cover of darkness before we strike.
“Let’s go get the fucker,” I give the command. I say a silent prayer that our lives may be spared, but mainly that I’ll get to put a bullet between Volkov’s eyes.
I move slowly down the rocky embankment next to the estate, keeping my body close to the ground. When I reach the bottom, I run to the wall and slam my body up against it.
I listen for a moment. If I’m right, the guards should be passing the gate to my left in a minute.
I edge closer and get my weapon ready. The silencer will help muffle the shots, but if one of them gets away, we’re as good as dead. I wait and then I hear them right on the other side of the wall. I press the tip of my gun in between the small open space. I’ll only get one shot at doing this right.
I wait for them to pass and then I pull the trigger, taking them out with four quick head shots.
I scale the wall in a matter of seconds and land with a dull thud next to the four bodies. Quickly, I run to the side of the house. I use my skeleton key to open the door and have to suppress a sigh of relief when it clicks open.
I enter the house through the kitchen. There’s only one door leading from the kitchen to the rest of the house.
I hear heavy steps coming my way and quickly duck behind the table. I keep an eye on the door and as a man comes in, I get ready to attack.
The man opens the fridge and he takes a bottle of water out. I wait for just the right time and as the man walks to the sink so he can look out of the window, I dart up. I wrap my right arm around his neck and using my left, I place pressure on his head, twisting it violently. I hear the crack and then lower him slowly to the ground.
With a little luck Camden and Carson have breached the house from the opposite side. Our mission is simple - make dead sure we kill Volkov, and get out alive.
I move stealthily from one room to another. It seems we still have the surprise element counting in our favor, and I hope it stays that way.
I keep to the wall as I near what looks like a living room. A man suddenly comes around the corner, and surprise washes over his face when he sees me.
I duck just in time as he fires off a shot. Fuck, there goes our surprise element!
The man takes a shot to his back and then Camden looks around the corner. I sigh with relief, knowing he’s okay.
We stand with our back against the wall and I silently count down to three using my fingers. On three we move back into the living room.
We can hear footsteps pounding in our direction. My eye catches the blood on Camden’s shoulder.
He shrugs and whispers, “Just a flesh wound.”
“Carson?” I whisper. It’s too dangerous to use our radios now.
“He’s clearing the bedrooms.”
“We need to move,” I whisper. We work our way through the living room and into an empty room. There’s only one room left.
“You ready?”
“Let’s get this over and done with,” Camden says as he moves first into the final room. I rush in after him, ready to take out any threats but come to a confused stand still when I see that it’s just another empty room.
Carson comes in from the other side and that only confuses me more. He’s searched the room and we did the rest of the house. Where the fuck did everyone go?
At the same time we all look down and that’s when we see the trap door.
“Fuck! You think they’re under the house?” Carson asks.
“Only one way to find out. Carson, you stay up here and cover us from behind. Camden, you’re with me. Let’s head downstairs.”
I lift the hatch slowly, making sure I’m not in the line of fire. There are lights on downstairs and I can hear voices.
I take the stairs down, knowing that I don’t have to worry about my back. Staying low with our weapons raised, we slowly inch our way down what looks like a tunnel.
Cautiously we pass a room filled with crates. Fuck! It’s ammunition. We fucking stumbled upon one of his operations. This is gold!
The voices get louder as we near the room at the end of the tunnel.
There’s movement by the stairs and both Camden and myself swing around. It’s Carson giving us a what the fuck is taking so long look.
I give him the middle finger and then point to the last room.
Carson quickly makes his way to us and then we all move forward with only one thought in mind – fucking kill Volkov.
I’m just about to breach the door when I have an aching pang. This was what Miles was best at. He never backed away from a fight.
I dart forward and start to fire at anyone that’s not a friendly. Camden, Carson and myself split up and we take cover behind crates. Everywhere we look, there are weapons that are ready to be shipped out.
I move around the back of the crate and manage to take out another two guys before my position is given away.
Heavy gunfire explodes around me and I quickly flatten myself against the crate. I suck in deep breaths and send up another silent prayer that I’ll at least get to kill Volkov before I’m taken out.
My eyes fall on a row of suicide vests and grenades, and my breathing stops. In all the chaos the past few months I’ve forgotten why I took the job to take Volkov down.
That boy I was forced to kill was carrying one of Volkov’s grenades.
I took the job so I could rid the world of Volkov. I took the job because in the back of my mind, I felt like I was protecting an innocent kid somewhere out there.
Somehow, I was making up for the life I was forced to take.
The realization that this isn’t all my fault is liberating. This fucking mess is all on Volkov. He placed the grenade in that little boy’s arms. He forced me to kill an innocent child. He forced me to try and take him out by any means possible.
Today, he fucking dies.
I push my body away from the crate and shoot anything that moves. Camden takes out the last guy and then disappointment wells up in my chest.
“Where the fuck is Volkov?” I shout as anger starts to pulsate through me.
“Over here!” Carson calls out from the back of the room.
Camden and myself run over the bodies lying between us and Carson. When we get a clear view of him, a smile breaks over my face.
Volkov is lying on the floor, gripping his leg with both his hands. Carson got him in the leg.
I high-five Carson on a job done well.
“Who the fuck are you?” Volkov spits the words at our feet.
Camden moves a step closer and takes his knife from the holder positioned around his leg.
“I’m your judge,” Camden hisses, and then he buries the knife in Volkov’s other leg.
The man cries out in pain and a string of Russian curses leaves his mouth with spittle flying all over.
“I’m your jury,” Carson says, and he steps hard on the bullet wound, grinding his heel into Volkov’s leg.
The man screams in agony and starts to threaten us. “I have men everywhere. They will come for you. You’re dead men!”
“You can’t kill something that’s already dead,” I say as I point the gun at his head. “I’m your executioner, and you’ve been sentenced to death.”
“Wait!” Volkov throws an arm out in front of his face. “Wa-” I pull the trigger, ending the life that’s responsible for so much death and destruction.
I feel a calmness wash over me as I watch Volkov’s body go limp.
I turn to my men, and I’m so grateful that they both made it through this.
“Let’s get out of here. W
e need to put the final stage of our plan into action.”
Riley~
One day.
One week.
One month.
Just one more person taken from me.
I can only make myself leave his bed long enough to feed Charlie and to let him out, and then I crawl back under the covers, praying for just one more second with him.
I still had hope in the beginning. I thought Griffin would only be gone for a few days, so I still had hope back then.
When one week became two, the edginess started. I felt restless and worried. Nothing could hold my attention for longer than a few seconds.
Then the lawyer showed up. Griffin left everything to me. He said their plane went down over the ocean. I don’t know all the details, only that no one survived.
Griffin is dead.
It’s hard to believe, and even harder to accept. I saw my family die so there was a sense of finality to it. I saw Amelia and Miles die. The finality that comes with death helps you in some weird way – it forces you to accept the fact that the person is never coming back.
It’s harder to accept Griffin’s death. I keep wondering if he’s maybe still alive. They didn’t find his body so he might be out there, hurt, and that thought is the killer. It makes helplessness and panic well inside of me until I’m drowning in it.
What if the man I love is out there, slowly dying a horrible death?
I feel frantic with fear. I have this debilitating need to go look for him, but I don’t know where to start, and that throws me right back into the clutches of helplessness and panic.
Then there are times I believe he’s dead. I tell myself that if he had survived, he’d come for me. Griffin wouldn’t break his promise to me.
I go from hot to cold, from disbelief to believing, from staring blankly at nothing to raging at the walls.
Nothing helps. Nothing can make this better.
Nothing.
I have nothing. I am nothing.
It’s paralyzing when you realize that your life, and the person you are, have been reduced to nothing.
It’s been two months since my life ended.
I have four homes, yet I’m homeless.
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