I have more money than a single person will ever need, yet I have no one to share it with.
I’m so fucking alone it’s suffocating me.
Happiness is like water. You think you can grab hold of it, but then it just seeps through your fingers. Happiness is fleeting. Happiness builds you up so loneliness can knock you back down.
My life held so much promise. I guess that’s what happens when you build your happiness on other people’s promises.
They promised me safety. They promised me love. They promised to always be there.
Those are promises no one should make another. You can’t guarantee what will happen.
You give a person a false sense of security, and when that security blanket is ripped from under your feet, you fall hard.
Promises are like hope - both are deceptive. They deceive you into feeling safe and happy. They deceive you so that they can destroy you. They’re slow poisons designed to eat you from the inside out.
Three months.
I lied to Griffin. Time doesn’t dull pain. Time does fucking nothing but wear you down so that the pain can infest you.
Pain is like a weed. Once it takes root inside you, there’s no getting it out. It turns your memories into weapons, and your feelings into deathblows. That way, it keeps you on your knees.
I’ve placed all four properties on the market. I’m going back to the safe house. At least I have graves to visit there.
I pack what I need, and then arrange with the estate agent to just courier the paperwork to me when he has a buyer.
“Come on, Charlie,” I say as I open the door to my car. He’s been very patient with me.
The drive to Colorado is long. I stop only for gas, to let Charlie run around a bit, and eat and drink something.
I take a few wrong turns, and I start to worry that I won’t find it when I finally turn down the right road.
I let Charlie out first so he can run around and stretch his legs. I fumble with the keys as I look for the one for the front door.
I feel tired and sweaty as I make my way up the stairs, and then I struggle for a minute or two as I try to unlock the door.
I finally shove the door open and then my world starts to spin in a daze.
“You’re dead,” I whisper to Camden just before my legs give way and everything goes black.
I wake to the smell of bacon. That’s weird. I can’t remember making any.
I turn my head and open my eyes. Mountains.
I made it to the safe house?
The memory of Camden coming down the stairs slams hard into me, and I dart up. My eyes fly around the room as my breaths start to race over my dry lips.
Charlie is sleeping on the other side of the bed. We’re alone in the room.
Did I dream seeing Camden?
My heart beats heavy and my thoughts start to race. I don’t know if I should feel hopeful or get myself to the nearest hospital.
Am I losing it?
I sniff the air and get another whiff of bacon.
I leave the room to go see what’s going on. I need to make sure whether I really saw Camden or if I’ve lost my mind.
As walk down the stairs, the smell of bacon gets stronger. When I near the kitchen I hear hushed voices arguing.
“She has a right to know!” someone hisses.
I slow my steps as I get close, and suddenly it all goes quiet. I stop on the other side of the door, too scared to take another step. I’m scared of what I’ll see.
I hear a chair scrape over the tiles, and then a familiar footfall reaches my ears. My eyes dart to him as he comes into view.
I’ve prayed for this moment.
I’ve hoped.
I’ve begged.
I can’t remember how many times I’ve wished for just one more second.
I’ve played the moment over and over in my mind. I’ve dreamt about how I would run into his arms, how I would tell him that I love him.
But now that the moment is here, all I feel is the bitter sting of betrayal.
“You’re alive,” I whisper. My voice sounds as dead as I feel.
“I am,” Griffin whispers back.
He takes a step towards me and it makes me take one backwards.
“Don’t come near me.” I fist my hands at my sides as blow after blow of anger hits. “You let me believe that you were dead. I fucking mourned you!”
“It was for the best.” He takes another step toward me and I throw my hands up between us.
“Stay away from me.” I take a breath and it feels like I’m breathing thorns. “You lied to me. I trusted you with everything, and you lied to me. You just left me there. You’re sitting here eating bacon like nothing happened between us? How can you? What kind of person does that to another?”
“The kind you’re better off not having in your life,” he snaps back at me. He closes the distance between us faster than I can move away. He grabs my arms and his blue eyes are so intense – so alive. “I faked my death so you could live, Riley. I did it for you.”
I slap his hands away from me. I want to tear him apart like my grief for him has been tearing me apart.
“So I could live? You have got to be fucking kidding me. What kind of life do you think you gave me? My family is dead because of you. My friends are dead because of you.” I hold up my hand when he wants to say something. “I loved you. I gave you my heart, my fucking soul, and you killed it. You, Griffin McGraw, have succeeded in ruining me. That’s all you did for me.”
Camden comes to stand next to Griffin, giving me a pleading look. “Riley, just hear him out. This whole thing was my idea. I was so sure you’d be better off without us. We did this so you could have a normal life.”
‘No!” I scream just to silence him.
It feels like I’m going to lose my mind. I can’t take this anymore. It’s one shock after the other. I walk away and when I reach the stairs, I race up, hurrying to get to my room and away from them.
I pace up and down the room with Charlie’s worried gaze following my every move.
I can’t believe he’s alive. He let me believe he was dead. He faked his own death and didn’t care what it would do to me.
It’s true what my grandpa used to say, ‘You come into this life alone, and you leave it alone.’
I’ve finally learned my lesson. It’s better to be alone. That way, no one can hurt you.
Griffin~
“She has every right to hate me. Every single word out of her mouth was true.”
Camden shoves hard at me with an angry look, that makes him look dangerous.
“If Amelia was here, she’d tell you to stop with the self-pity, pull your head out of your ass and to go fix things with Riley,” he snaps at me.
Carson chuckles as if this is very funny. “She would. She’d say that word for word.”
“You’re one to talk,” I snap at Camden. “What about Skylar? Does she know you’re alive? This was your fucking idea to begin with.”
Camden shakes his head and gives me a look filled with warning. “I didn’t fuck Skylar. I didn’t make her any promises.”
I take a swing at Camden but he ducks just in time.
He takes another step away from me. “I’ll give you that one because you’re hurting. But, Griffin,” he walks back to table and sits down in front of his half-eaten plate of bacon, “you’re not the only one hurting. Yes, it was my idea but you agreed to it. You agreed that it would be best for everyone if we just disappeared. That way they’d be safe from our enemies. It was a choice we made together, but Riley had no say in that choice. She believed we were dead. She’s in shock. She’s taken so many hits that I’m worried whether she’ll ever come back from it all.” He gives me a pointed look. “You don’t get to be angry right now. You need to fix this shit and take care of that girl. You made her a promise.”
Riley is avoiding me. I can’t blame her. I would avoid myself if I were given half a chance.
Camden is right. It might have been
his idea but we all agreed to it. It was the best thing to do, even if I regret it now. I never wanted to hurt Riley.
We all agreed to take out Volkov and then fake our deaths. The only person who knew we’d being doing this was my attorney. He handled the paper work for us after we died. If we were dead then out loved ones would be safe from a repeat of the Volkov mess.
If we were dead, then our enemies wouldn’t come for those we loved.
I did it to keep her safe. I had a choice - I could be selfish and go back to her, and every day I’d spend with her would be a day she was at risk, or I could leave her and let her find happiness with someone else – but at least she’d be safe then.
There were many times I wanted to say fuck it and go to her, but I couldn’t be that selfish. She deserved better than what I have to offer.
But now she’s here. Somehow, I have to make things right.
I’ve been working on Operation Northern Star for the past few days.
Tonight, I’m putting it into action.
I’ve been sitting and making cutouts of little stars and suns. Then I sat and wrote a message on each of them before placing them all in a jar.
I take the jar up to Riley’s room and then place it in front of her door. I tap softly on the door before I walk away.
Now I can only hope that she still cares enough for me to not throw the jar back in my face.
Riley~
I’m clinging to my anger because if I let go for one second, I’ll forgive him.
I can’t argue that I feel better since I’ve come back here. The dead weight that has been weighing me down has lifted off my shoulders, and I can breathe easier.
I’m just angry now, and I need time to process it all.
Charlie is giving me the eye again. Every time I reason with why I’m allowed to be angry, he gives me a piece of his mind telling me why I should forgive Griffin.
I think what hurts most is the fact that it was so easy for him to let me go.
There’s a tap at the door, and for a moment I manage to ignore it, but then Charlie gives me the look.
I get up with a huff and yank the door open. I’m surprised when I see a jar on the floor. I pick it up and read the note taped to the front.
All the suns are reasons why you shouldn’t forgive me.
All the stars are why you should forgive me.
I scowl at the jar already feeling stubborn. Gah! Like a jar is going to change my mind.
I place the jar on my night stand and then continue to scowl at it.
‘You know you want to read them,’ Charlie’s voice sounds up.
“No, I don’t,” I mumble under my breath.
‘Yes, you do,’ Charlie keeps pushing.
“Fine! I’ll read one.”
I reach into the jar and take out a sun.
I’m an asshole.
“You’ve got that right,” I snap as I reach for another.
I’m still an asshole.
The next one makes a smile tug at my lips.
I’m the biggest asshole in this world.
I take out a couple of suns and they have the same thing written on them, just in different ways, but it comes down to Griffin being an asshole.
I take out one star and bite my bottom lip as I read it.
‘I wanted to keep you safe.’
I turn the jar upside down on the bed and start to collect all the stars.
‘I wanted to give you a chance at a normal life.’
‘You deserve better than me.’
That one hurts like hell to read.
‘I’m not good enough for you.’
A tear slips down my cheek and I reach for another.
‘I love you so much that your needs come before mine.’
That one breaks down the wall and I sink down next to the bed. I cry into the stars and suns around me.
I cry for everything that’s been taken from me.
I cry because I’m tired of just surviving.
But mainly I cry because there’s a beautiful man out there that was willing to give up on our love because he didn’t believe in himself.
Griffin is not in his room or office. I check outside and when he’s not out there, I wonder where he could be.
I walk back inside, and that’s when I remember the pool.
When I get to the poolroom the light is on and the door is slightly open. I walk inside and close the door behind me before I walk around it.
Griffin is sitting on the side of the tub, the waterfall is cascading over his back. His head is bowed forward and his shoulders are slumped – just like he was sitting that first night I tried to kiss him.
He was right back then. We weren’t ready for a relationship, but I kept pushing.
I kick off my shoes and then get into the tub. I go sit on the other side and just stare at him until he looks up.
“What do you see?” he whispers.
“A world of sadness.” I don’t break eye contact as I continue. “How can you think that you’re not good enough? How dare you decide what’s best for me? How dare you decide whether our love deserves a chance or not?”
“I thought I was doing the right thing, Riley,” he whispers, sounding bone tired.
“I’ve lost everyone.” My voice falters but I push through. “Knowing I had you made it all bearable … just. Then you decide to take the one thing that kept me standing away from me? How could you ever think that would be best for me?”
Griffin stands up and comes to kneel between my legs so that we’re eye to eye. His hands brush over my cheeks. There’s an intense look in his gaze that keeps me rooted to the spot.
“Volkov is not the only person I’ve pissed off in my life. We might have taken care of Volkov, but that doesn’t mean that some day, when we least expect it, another threat won’t come.”
I take hold of his wrists and pull his hands away from my face. I place our hands on my thighs and then look down at them.
“You could’ve brought me with you,” I whisper.
“I just want the best for you, Riley. I’m not the best thing for you.”
I shake my head and bite my bottom lip. “You don’t know that. The one thing the past few months have taught me is that nothing lasts forever. Wouldn’t you rather be with me, knowing we could have a month of happiness, rather than a year of sadness?”
“I want a normal life for you. I want you to marry the man of your dreams. I want you to have his children. I want you to have a thousand fights with him. I want you to grow old with him.”
A tear slips down my cheek, and I try to swallow the ache in my throat.
“Look at me,” he whispers.
I shake my head, dropping my chin to my chest.
I can feel his eyes on me. I missed feeling his eyes on me.
“I want to have a thousand fights with you,” I whisper as another tear falls. “I’m selling all the properties. I don’t want any of the money if it means I have to be alone. I don’t want any of it if it means I can’t have you.”
“I just don’t want you to regret us. You still have so much healing to do. What if years from now you’re fully healed, and you realize we don’t work for you anymore?”
My eyes travel up his neck, over his lips, and then settle on his eyes.
“You honestly think I will ever fully recover? Griffin, I’ve watched them torture and kill my family. I was there when Amelia and Miles were murdered. I’ll never recover from that. The only time I feel whole is when I’m with you. Half of me is gone and I’ll never get that half back again. You said it yourself - I’m a mess and you’re a mess. Let’s just be a mess together.”
His eyes stay on mine, and I see the war going on in his mind.
“You promised to never let me go,” I whisper, knowing that I’m running out of ways to convince him.
He stands up as he shoves a hand through his hair.
I get up, too, making sure that he’s looking at me when I say, “You promised to always
be right behind me. You promised, Griffin.”
I can’t let him break his promise. That would mean giving up on us, and after everything has been said and done, I still believe in us.
“Please,” I whisper as I take his hand in mine. I place it against my cheek and I close my eyes, praying this won’t be our last conversation. “Please believe in us. We’re worth it. Please…”
His arms fold around me and he hugs me tightly to his chest. He buries his face in my neck and I feel his breaths racing over my skin.
“I just want what’s best for you,” he says gruffly.
“You’re best for me. Don’t let me lose the last person I love. Don’t do that to me. You can’t die on me twice. I won’t survive it.”
“Fuck,” he breathes hard and then his lips find mine. He kisses me like a man who’s starving, and I suppose in some way we have been starving. “I love you so much. I won’t be able to let you go a second time.”
“Just love me, then. Don’t let me go,” I say as I press kisses along his jaw.
“I don’t want to exist in any version of life where you’re not in it. I love you like only a man can love a woman. I love you unconditionally. I love you selfishly, because there’s no way I can share you. I want all of you … your every heartbeat, every breath, every second.”
I reach for his shirt and drag it over his head. He makes quick work of his pants and the wet slap echoes through the room when he throws it on the tiles next to the tub.
I’ve missed seeing him naked. He’s just all hard slabs of muscle. He is pure male as he drags my shirt off. I quickly shove my pants down and then throw them next to his.
“Sit on the side,” he commands and it makes shivers race down my spine.
I sit down and my eyes never leave his perfect form. His fingers wrap around me and then his hands brush up the sides of my legs. I’ve missed how he can light up my body with one touch.
“You’re fucking beautiful, Riley,” he groans just as he takes one nipple into his mouth.
I missed feeling his skin against mine. My hands greedily trail over his back and down to his ass, my favorite part.
“Griffin…” He kisses me deeply, his tongue brushing soft strokes over mine. Everything about him turns me on.
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