Black Box Inc.

by Jake Bible

  “Great, great,” Lord Beelzebub said. “Pour a glass for our guest and come join us.”

  The Lord of Flies gave me a nod and a wink, then turned and walked over to the largest couch I had ever seen, set around a coffee table the size of a Volkswagen. He sat on the couch and plopped his hooves up onto the coffee table.

  “Sit, Chase. Take a load off. You must be tired, having traversed the Gory Gauntlet. What a slog. That road is why I don’t leave my dimension anymore. One way in and one way out seemed like a good idea at the time, but the journey has become too much of a pain in the ass. I let everyone come to me now.”

  I sat in an armchair that pretty much swallowed me up. Steve brought some amber liquor on the rocks to Lord Beelzebub and handed me a pint of some very dark stout. He went back and fetched his own drink, which looked like a vodka tonic with lime, then sat in the armchair next to mine.

  “How’s the stout?” Lord Beelzebub asked.

  I took a sip and started coughing. The beer was goddamn strong. But good.

  “Tasty,” I said and raised the glass to him.

  He smiled, showing some very sharp fangs, and raised his glass back.

  “Hungry?” he asked.

  “No, I ate a faerie cake before the trip,” I replied. “The hex, and the taste, nuked my appetite.”

  “Yikes,” he said and took a sip of his drink. “Those things are disgusting. I’m surprised you didn’t puke.”

  “I puked up the first one,” I said. “But that was mostly because I got punched in the balls.”

  Lord Beelzebub started laughing and leaned forward to set his drink down.

  “I like you, Chase,” he said. “I can see you’ve got a good head on your shoulders despite being what you are.”

  “Can I ask a question?” I said. “Uh, my lord?”

  “Call me B,” Lord Beelzebub said. “We’re all friends here.”

  I glanced over at Steve, and he gave me a deadly smile. I wasn’t going to kid myself that anyone in the room was my friend.

  “What’s your question?” Lord Beelzebub asked.

  “Am I a dead man already and this conversation is only because you want to play with me for a while before you rip my intestines out?”

  “Quite a question. Direct. I like that.”

  I squirmed under his gaze.

  “Maybe we should talk business now,” he said. “I’ve made you uncomfortable. That was not my intention.”

  “Tell Lord B why Daphne wants you to steal his soul,” Steve said.

  “You don’t already know?”

  “Why would I know, Chase?” Lord Beelzebub asked, all innocence.

  “Because of you and your temporal fluidity thing.”

  “Is that what people call it? Worse name than Gory Gauntlet. And, no, I do not know why Daphne wants to steal my soul. I do know you are the one doing the stealing. Or will be. Or already have. Depends on one’s point of view. But that’s all in the past. Or the future.”

  “You’re confusing him, boss,” Steve said.

  “I can see that. Human brains. No concept of time as an all-encompassing circle. Their minds are all straight lines this and straight lines that. Past. Future. Present. None of those concepts matter. What does matter is motivation, Chase. I need to know Daphne’s motivation.”

  “I haven’t a goddamn clue,” I said. “Honest.”

  The two devils shared a look. Lord Beelzebub nodded.

  “Come on, Chase, you have to have some idea,” Lord Beelzebub said.

  “No, I don’t,” I replied. I stretched out to set my pint glass down on the huge coffee table. “Me and my company got suckered into this gig. The Fae have a woman I care about held hostage. They’ll kill her if I don’t go through with this. Not to mention they still hold the hit you placed on me.”

  “I see, I see,” Lord Beelzebub said. “The Fae sure do stick to their playbook, don’t they?”

  “I guess,” I said.

  “Then why did you go off the playbook and tell Steve here the truth?” he asked.

  “I panicked?” I replied.

  “Nah, I don’t believe you did,” Lord Beelzebub said. “Try again.”

  I thought for a minute, then said, “Faeries lie. The Fae lie even more. I don’t believe for a second that even if we are successful that Daphne is going to let my friend go free.”

  “So, you thought you could try to play both sides?” he asked.

  “I guess,” I said. “Other than the ride up in the elevator, I haven’t had much time to think everything through. I’m working the play out as I go.”

  “That I believe.”

  He laughed a jolly laugh. Like if Santa Claus had a penchant for whores and bathtub gin.

  “Tell me, Chase, who is this ‘we’ you keep speaking of?”

  “Oh, right, my, um, business associates. We own Black Box Inc., and technically we were all recruited to do this job.”

  “And where are your business associates now?”

  Steve leaned forward and set his glass down next to mine, then swiveled in his chair to face me.

  “They’re around,” I said.

  “Around?” Lord Beelzebub glanced at Steve, then back at me. “Could you be more precise?”

  “Around.”

  “And here I thought we had an understanding,” he said.

  Why do beings like Lord Beelzebub and Daphne always say shit like that?

  “We do have an understanding,” I said. “But I have a loyalty to my friends. I’m not going to tell you where they are in case you want to harm them.”

  “Chase, Chase, Chase. If I wanted to harm your friends, I’d harm your friends. You think you can somehow stop me?” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Listen, Chase, I’m going to make you a proposition, which you are free to refuse, although I would advise against that. This proposition involves you working for me now.”

  “Yeah, I kinda saw that one coming.”

  “Because you’re a smart guy, working the play out as you go,” he said. “You know when your back is against a wall. You figured that out down on the street when you ran into Steve. Your instincts are good, Chase. I want to reward you for that.”

  “What’s the proposition?”

  “Steve?” he said and leaned back into the couch.

  Steve cleared his throat. “We’ve been waiting for an opportunity like this for a long time,” Steve said. “A chance to give Daphne a little gift we had made especially for her. The problem is that she refuses to accept any gifts from this dimension. We’ve even tried using other dimensions as proxies, but those faeries are good. Hard to fool a species that has mastered the art of the grift.”

  “No shit,” I said.

  Lord Beelzebub laughed hard and slapped his hands on his knees.

  “Yes, no shit,” Steve continued. “What we need you to do is transport that gift directly to Daphne. If you do that, then we can help you get your girlfriend free and make sure the Fae never bother you again.”

  “What about you guys?” I asked.

  “What about us what?” Steve replied.

  “Will you never bother me again?”

  “Yes, well, we prefer to keep advantageous relationships open,” Lord Beelzebub said.

  “Right,” I replied. “My ability to work the Dim is advantageous?”

  I slid my hand into my pocket. Lord Beelzebub stiffened.

  “I patted him down,” Steve said. “And he didn’t set off any alarms coming inside. He’s clean.”

  “The hit on me was how Daphne got me to her dimension,” I said. “Now you’re saying you wanted me here too. You placed the hit on me so Daphne would start plotting. Did your time thing ever even come into play? Do you even have temporal fluidity?�
�

  “I do. Of course I do,” Lord Beelzebub said. “That’s what gave me the idea in the first place. I saw you steal my soul and that gave me the perfect opportunity to get my gift into Daphne’s hands.”

  “Holy shit, you people play some games. I mean, you play some top-level chess-master shit.”

  “Oh, Chase Lawter, you have no idea,” Lord Beelzebub said. “So you may want to think the next few moments through very carefully. The odds of you having a move I haven’t already thought of are infinitesimal.”

  I plucked the Dim key out of my pocket and held it up. Time to go big or go home.

  “Oh, well, isn’t that something. Did not think of that. Bravo.” He glanced at Steve. “My protections can’t detect pieces of the Dim. Good to know.” Lord Beelzebub returned his attention to me and reached a hand out. “May I see it?”

  “No,” I said. “Did you think I’d come in here unarmed? All I have to do is use this key and your dimension is vaporized.”

  “With you in it,” Lord Beelzebub stated, very smug.

  “No. I’ll be gone. Slipped into the Dim, completely protected.”

  Lord Beelzebub nodded over and over, then leaned back in the couch again.

  “I call bullshit,” he said. “You almost had me for a second there. Not knowing you’d pull out that piece of Dim distracted me, but in the end a lie stinks too much for my nose not to catch the scent.”

  He tapped the side of his pointed nose.

  “Go ahead, Chase. Use that key.”

  20

  I WAS SCREWED.

  I had walked into Lord Beelzebub’s palace without a clear plan. Not that there’d ever really been a clear plan . . .

  Hold on. Maybe I didn’t completely screw up. The element of surprise was gone, but I did manage to get into the penthouse and I was sitting directly across from the target.

  If Lord Beelzebub couldn’t see me pulling the Dim, then maybe he couldn’t see what was hidden in the Dim. I could still salvage things.

  “All right,” I said. “If you insist.”

  “Excuse me?” Lord Beelzebub asked.

  Steve produced a very large pistol from somewhere. He pointed the gun at my head.

  “I wouldn’t,” he said.

  “Steve, put that away,” Lord Beelzebub said. “I want to see this.”

  “Lord B . . .”

  “No, no, it’s fine.” He grinned at me. “Unlike my employees, I don’t get the luxury of twenty-four hour regeneration. The boss has to be on duty at all times, as I am sure you know. I haven’t had a good regeneration after a proper annihilation in close to half a million years. The death will be cleansing. Chase? You go ahead and do that voodoo that you do so well.”

  He actually looked giddy with anticipation.

  “No problem,” I said and stood up.

  Despite Lord Beelzebub’s order, Steve did not put the pistol away. He stood up with me and kept the gun aimed at my head, his black-nailed red finger on the trigger.

  I moved toward the bar.

  “I have to have space,” I said.

  “You take all the space you need,” Lord Beelzebub replied. “Steve. Jesus Christ. Lighten up and let the man work.”

  Steve hesitated, then lowered the pistol and moved back to his chair. He didn’t sit down.

  Fingers crossed what I had planned was going to work.

  I used the key to recall the black box from the Dim. There was zero hesitation on my part. I unlocked and opened the box in one motion, then leapt out of the way.

  Lassa came spilling out first and face-planted on the red carpet. Harper was right behind him, holding up a pump-action shotgun. She fired three times, knocking Steve off his feet, sending the red devil flying back over the armchair. Aspen came out next and began throwing hex after hex at Lord Beelzebub. Teresa was right behind him, and her mouth opened wide as she prepared to scream.

  “Enough!” Lord Beelzebub roared as he stood up, Aspen’s hexes bouncing off his thick red skin like illuminated marshmallows thrown at a brick wall. “Stop this immediately!”

  Everyone froze.

  Harper kept the shotgun aimed in Steve’s direction, but that guy was down. Good job on her part. I knew that if only one of them was ready, it would be Harper. The woman never missed.

  But Steve wasn’t the issue. The very, very pissed-off devil crime boss who was Lord of the Flies and Lies that stood before us was the issue.

  Lassa pushed up onto his hands and knees and looked up at Lord Beelzebub.

  “Oh, shit,” he said.

  Lord Beelzebub’s entire face fell. One moment, omnipotent rage, a rage ready to wipe us from existence. The next moment, confused pain. He looked hurt. At the sight of Lassa.

  Goddammit.

  “Goddammit, Lassa,” I said. “Please tell me you did not hook up with the Devil?”

  “This time I agree with Aspen. He’s not the Devil,” Lassa said as he got to his feet. “He’s Bob.”

  “Bub,” Lord Beelzebub snapped.

  “Shit, my bad,” Lassa said, looking very uncomfortable. “Bub. Easy mistake.”

  “You didn’t return any of my calls,” Lord Beelzebub said. “I thought we had something.”

  “Hey, we did. We totally did,” Lassa said. “But I told you we were going to be casual. A vacation fling, right? We agreed we wouldn’t get attached and we’d be cool when we left. You’re the one that broke that agreement, Bub. Not me.”

  Lassa brushed at his fur even though he had nothing on him.

  “Three phone calls a day, Bub? Can you blame me for backing off and not calling you back?”

  “Three a day?” Harper said. “Damn, boy.”

  “We shared something!” Lord Beelzebub shouted, jabbing a taloned finger toward Lassa. The floor under us shook slightly. “At least admit that we did!”

  “I admit it, dude,” Lassa said. “That week in Hades has some of my favorite memories.”

  “Is that the week when we had the office inspected for black mold?” Harper asked. “The same week Chase was out of commission because he ate ten pounds of smoked Gouda and a case of Ritz crackers?”

  “Hey, leave me out of this,” I said, holding my hands up. I smiled at Lord Beelzebub. “It was good Gouda.”

  Aspen groaned.

  Teresa stepped forward, her hand out. “Teresa Sullivan. Senior partner at—”

  “I know who you are, Ms. Sullivan,” Lord Beelzebub said. “Your firm has done work for me on several occasions.”

  “Have we?”

  “Through various holding companies,” he replied.

  “Yes, of course. I wasn’t aware of that. My apologies,” she said and bowed her head slightly. “I was wondering if we could possibly come to some sort of arrangement here.”

  Steve moaned and pulled himself up from behind the chair. Harper’s shotgun barked three more times, and down he went again.

  “Could you please not do that!” Lord Beelzebub exclaimed.

  Harper shrugged.

  Lord Beelzebub mumbled something under his breath, then sat down heavily on the sofa.

  “What arrangement do you have in mind?” he asked as he picked up his drink. He waved a hand toward the bar. “Get yourselves something. Whatever you want. I don’t care.”

  No one moved.

  “Go get a fucking drink!” he roared.

  “I’ve got this,” Aspen said, hurrying as fast as he could behind the bar. He grabbed the edge and coughed for a few seconds, then straightened up and smiled at us before getting to work.

  “What’s wrong with him?” Lord Beelzebub asked.

  “Faeries can’t handle the atmosphere in your dimension,” I said.

  “Since when?” he replied. �
��If that were true, I wouldn’t need the border.”

  All eyes fell on Aspen. Except for Harper’s. She continued to stare at the spot where Steve was lying, a pool of black blood staining the red carpet.