Shatter Me

by Anna Howard

  “I…Okay.”

  With a last concerned look over his shoulder he leaves the room. And it is only as I lay there alone that I wonder if someone else had been in the accident with me. Had anyone else gotten hurt?

  I lay there for what feels like several minutes before the door opens and an older woman in baby blue scrubs comes in. During the brief time the door is open I see the doctor standing there with my father and the stranger. I hear an emotional voice demanding answers. “What do you mean she doesn’t know who I am?” But then the door closes once more and the nurse moves closer to my bed.

  She has two syringes full of something clear and she cleans the IV line before placing one of the syringes into it. “This is just to flush the site.” She explains with a kind smile. “And this…” She holds up the other syringe with a wink. “This is the good stuff.”

  “Thank you.” I whisper.

  “It will only take a minute before it starts working.” She informs me. “Is there anything you need, Miss Brandon?”

  “I…” I am already starting to fill the effects of the meds, but I need to know something before I can relax. “Was there anyone else hurt?”

  She frowns for a moment then seems to understand what I am asking. “All I know is the other driver had a broken nose…And Mr. Marshall had a concussion. The only reason you got the rough end of the deal was because you weren’t wearing a seatbelt.”

  I breathe a sigh of relief. Thankful that nothing too terrible had happened…Wait… “Mr. Marshall? Christian?” My head is suddenly throbbing as I think about him. I have a blinding pain behind my eyes despite the meds and I have to fight the sudden urge to vomit. “Christian?!?” I don’t know if I whisper or shout his name, but suddenly the door to my room bursts open and the doctor and the stranger are standing there.

  “Miss Brandon, please. Are you alright?” The nurse is trying to calm me, but I shake my head, fighting to remember something important.

  “Kari…” This from the stranger standing in the doorway. There is a dark, concerned look on his face and my heart starts pounding. There is a memory, just on the edge of my mind…But I can’t reach for it!

  The small room suddenly feels even smaller and I gasp, trying to breathe. “Christian…” I whisper his name. “Bee..!” Why haven’t I remembered Bianca until now? “Where’s Bee?” I demand. Has something happened to my bestie?

  “Kari!” My father is beside of me. “Kari what’s wrong?” He demands.

  Tears fill my eyes. “Where is she?” I sob. “Where is Bee?” And why does my chest ache remembering her?

  Baxter blows out a shaky breath. “Bianca? You want to see her?” He glances over his shoulder and through my medicated haze I see something lethal pass across the stranger’s face. But he doesn’t say anything. Just clenches his jaw and stands there looking scary.

  “No…” I don’t understand it, but the thought of seeing her scares me just as much as the stranger. “I…I just want to know…Is she okay?”

  “Sweetheart, Bianca is fine.” There is something dark in my father’s eyes. “She wasn’t with you. It was just you and Chris.”

  My heart clenches again. “Christian.” I whisper his name again. “I want to see him.”

  The stranger says something under his breath and storms out of the room. My father ignores him and drops a kiss on my forehead. “Not tonight. Rest now, sweetheart.”

  “No…” I shake my head, but I am finding it harder to fight the pain meds. “I have to know…”

  “What Kari?” Baxter asks, frowning. “What do you need to know?”

  “I can’t remember…” And I can no longer fight the medication as I slip into a deep, nightmare filled sleep.

  Chapter 12

  There is a new doctor with Dr. Shelton when he checks in on me the next morning. I frown up at the men as they enter my room. Dr. Shelton with a small smile in greeting and the other doctor, older by at least fifteen years with graying hair, and a neutral expression on his stern face.

  “Good morning, Kari.” Dr. Shelton murmurs as he stops beside of my bed. “How are you feeling this morning?”

  “I hurt.” Both physically and emotionally. But why I hurt emotionally I have no clue. All I know is that the emotional pain hurts more than the physical. Tears clog my throat and make it sound husky and I have to blink rapidly to keep them in check.

  “The nurse said she gave you pain meds two hours or so ago.” He seems concerned and I can’t explain that the pain is more in my heart than in my body. But the doctor standing beside of him seems to understand and steps forward.

  “Hello, Kari.” He murmurs soothingly.

  I frown up at him. “Hi.” I whisper.

  “Kari, this is Dr. Hayes. He is the chief of psychiatry and I would like you to talk to him.” Dr. Shelton explains as he introduces the other man.

  “Have I lost my mind as well as my memory?” I murmur, and the doctors smile at my small attempt at a joke.

  “No, Kari.” Dr. Hayes assures me. “We just think that your memory loss has more to do with a mental block rather than a neurological problem. With my help I think we can get your lost memories back.”

  I sigh, feeling tired when I have only been awake for a few hours. “If you think it will help…What does my father say?”

  Dr. Shelton shrugs his shoulders. “He wants us to try anything and everything to help you.”

  “Okay.” I pull the covers closer. The day shift nurse has already helped me put on a hospital issued gown, but I still feel vulnerable.

  Dr. Hayes smiles reassuringly and takes the seat beside of my bed. Dr. Shelton does a thorough examination. Listens to my lungs and gives me a thumbs us as he leaves me alone with the older doctor. When the door closes behind him Dr. Hayes pulls out a notepad from his coat pocket and begins to write.

  “What is the last thing you can remember, Kari?” He asks once he has raised his eyes to look at me.

  I bite the inside of my cheek. “I remember shopping with my mother.”

  He nods. “And what are you shopping for?”

  “A book, for my father. A first edition.” I play with the edge of my sheet. “But the antique book store doesn’t have the one I’m looking for. So we decide to have lunch at a small Italian place.”

  “What did you discuss?”

  “My mother tells me that she has met a new man.” I roll my eyes. “She is always meeting new men. And marrying them almost as soon as she can manage it.”

  The doctor raises a brow at that. “How do you feel about that?”

  I shrug. “It’s her life. She can do what she wants. I just don’t want to have to be around to play house with her.”

  He just stares at me for a long moment. “I thought you had a close relationship with your mother.”

  “We do.” I assure him. “It’s just that we have grown apart a little since her last marriage. But since she divorced the old bastard we are back on the right track again.”

  There must have been something in my voice to alert him. He doesn’t scribble on his notepad, just sits there for a long moment before speaking again. “You didn’t like your stepfather?”

  “No, not really.” I turn my gaze down to my hands, where they are twisting the corner of the sheet and blanket. “He…He gave me the creeps. Always looking at me…”I trail off, feeling slightly nauseas at the memory. “He tried to touch me once, when my mother wasn’t around.”

  “Did he?” He doesn’t say another word, just sits there and gives me the time I need to confide in him.

  “I was home from school for a few days. And my mother was having lunch with friends. He touched my breasts.” I shudder at the memory, feeling dirty.

  “What did you do?”

  I couldn’t help the evil grin that crosses my face. “I brought him to his knees.”

  Dr. Hayes smiles. “Good for you.” He scribbles on the pad again. “Tell me about school. How are your grades? Do you know what college you want to go to i
n the fall?”

  “I have the second highest GPA in my class.” I inform him, and he blinks at me. “And I plan on going to NYU. Bianca and I…” Blinding pain forks through my head and I whimper as I put my head in my hands.

  “Kari?”

  Slowly I raise my head to find the doctor giving me a strange, concerned filled look. I rub at my temples for a moment, filling sick.

  “Who is Bianca?” He asks after a few minutes.

  I swallow hard. “Bee is my best friend.” I whisper, confused because saying those words cause such a terrible ache deep in my heart.

  “You go to school together?”

  “Yes.” I bite the inside of my cheek, harder. “She’s been my best friend since pre-school. I…I can’t imagine how boring my life would be without her.” So why does the thought of seeing her now feel me with such pain?

  “And you two are going to go on to college together at NYU?”

  I shrug. “It’s our plan yes.” I grimace. “But my mother doesn’t agree with it. She wants me to go to Harvard, or Yale, or Princeton. I already have my acceptance letters.”

  He frowns. “You don’t like those schools?”

  “They are fantastic schools…I just…Bianca didn’t get in. And I don’t want to leave her.”

  More scribbling. “So…Your mother doesn’t approve of Bianca?”

  “I didn’t say that.” I quickly correct him. “My mother loves Bianca. She just thinks that Bianca…” I couldn’t explain it. Not without sounding wimpy. “She thinks that Bee runs my life and that I need to go my own way.”

  Dr. Hayes nods. “And you don’t think that is the case.”

  “No. It is not the case. I am not some little shadow that follows Bianca around. I have goals of my own. I don’t have to have Bee with me every second of every day. I just like having her there. She’s like a sister to me more than my best friend.”

  “So what is she doing over the Christmas holiday?”

  “She’s in Boston with her parents and grandparents. But she will be back before New Year’s and we are going to a party with…With Christian.” Another pain nearly blinds me for a moment. When I can see clearly again I raise my head. “Where is Christian? Can I see him?”

  The doctor frowns. “Christian…Mr. Marshall?” I nod, tears leaking from my eyes. “Why do you want to see him so badly, Kari?”

  I wipe my eyes with the backs of my hands. “I don’t know. I just need to.” I am shaking now, and as I keep thinking about Christian I feel cold and alone. “Can I see him? Please?”

  Dr. Hayes stands and closes his notepad. “Let me see if he is here…But I think we should talk more later. May I come back this evening?”

  I nod, unable to speak. The doctor leaves and I lay back against the pillows. My eyes close and an image of me smiling sadly over at Christian as we are stopped at a red light flashes across my mind. “We will get over this.”

  A cry escapes me. The pain behind my eyes nearly doubles me over. But the pain in my head is nothing compared to this throbbing in my heart. I remember feeling emotional pain like I have never felt before…But I cannot remember why!

  

  The door opens a long time later. The pain in my head has eased some, but my heart still feels weighted down with lead. Yet I am happy to see the man walking through the door. He stops, with the door still open and just looks at me.

  He looks pale and there are dark circles under his eyes. He seems older, but then again my memory of him is from three years ago, when he was younger. “Kari?”

  I give him a small smile. “How are you?” I ask.

  He laughs but there isn’t any mirth in it. “I had a small bump on the head.” He comes into the room, closing the door behind him before crossing to me. “You are the one who scared us all.”

  I grimace. “Three weeks in a coma isn’t that bad.” I try to tease, but he only gets paler. “I’m sorry. Just ignore me. I seem to have developed a sick since of humor from the head injury I sustained.”

  “You also developed a big case of amnesia.” He carefully touches the side of my head that has been shaved. “I’m sorry, Kari. We never should have been out on those damn roads!”

  “It wasn’t your fault!” I exclaim. “My father says that a drunk driver hit us. You did nothing wrong.”

  He starts to say something then shakes his handsome head and shuts his mouth. I reach for his hand, giving it a gently squeeze. “Don’t blame yourself.”

  A feeling of deja-vu overwhelms me. Flashes of another time in a hospital telling him the same thing! Christian sees my confusion and tightens his hold on my hand. “Just let it come to you. Don’t force anything. The doctor said that it could hurt you worse if you try.”

  “I remembered being in the hospital with you another time.” I whisper. “But I can’t figure out why.” I shake my head. “But we were both so upset.”

  “Yes.” He agrees but doesn’t elaborate. The look of pure agony crossing his face makes me hurt for him.

  The door opens without warning and the nurse peeks her head in. “Mr. Marshall…She needs her rest, sir.”

  “Of course she does.” He grits out and drops a gentle kiss on my forehead. “More like the guard dog keeping me on a time limit.” He mutters under his breath, but I still here him and it leaves me even more confused as I watch my friend leave.

  Chapter 13

  My father comes in to see me. But I am tired and the nurse has just given me my pain meds, so he doesn’t stay long. While I sleep I dream that the stranger holds me close, whispering words that I fear I have always longed to hear.

  He brushes my hair from my face and kisses each eye lid ever so gently. “Remember me, Kari.” He begs in an emotionally choke voice.

  I wake soon after, feeling alone and hurting.

  Dr. Hayes comes by right after my liquid dinner of chicken broth and apple juice, neither of which I do not touch. He jumps right in asking questions. “Have you met the new man in your mother’s life?”

  “Not yet. Mother doesn’t like to bring me into her relationships until after she has secured the wedding ring.” And I was alright with that. No way did I want some guy sucking up to me to get to my mother.

  “Does she talk about him much?”

  I shake my head. “She knows I wouldn’t listen even if she did.”

  He scribbles more notes. “So what do you talk about while you are shopping for your father’s present?”

  “School. Paris in general. I love Paris. All that romantic history.” I smile, remembering one of my favorite places in the world. “When Daddy first mentioned boarding school I hated the thought of living so far away for most of the year. But then he took me to visit the one in Paris and I was hooked.”

  “And Bianca? Does she love Paris too?”

  My smile drops. “Not as much as me. Her mother is Greek and she likes Athens more than Paris. But when she found out I was going to school in Paris she jumped on board quick. Her mom was pretty upset for a while.”

  “So you aren’t the one that always does the following after all.” He comments with a small smile and I shrug, which pulls at the scar on my chest.

  “Did you have a good visit with Mr. Marshall?” He asks a few minutes later.

  “He didn’t get to stay long…But…” I bite the inside of my cheek.

  “But? Did you remember something?”

  “Something small. I remembered sitting at a red light. It was dark and snowing. It was cold outside but for some reason I felt even colder, despite the heat turned all the way on in the car.” My head aches as I recall the few details. “And I look over at Christian and he gives me the saddest smile. He says that we will get over it, but I can’t remember what we need to get over.”

  He is quiet for a long while as he watches the emotions pass over my face. Then he scribbles something else. “What else? How did the rest of the visit go?”

  “Christian seems to blame himself for the accident. He said if it weren’t
for him we never would have been on the road that night. When I told him that it wasn’t his fault I got the oddest feeling that it wasn’t the first time we had had a conversation.” I lean back against the pillows and close my eyes. “Then he muttered something about a guard dog as he left.”

  A smile teases the doctor’s lips. “With Mr. Winthrop monitoring every visitor you have I’m sure it must feel like that.”

  I stiffen. “Mr. Winthrop? The stranger?” Dr. Hayes inclines his head. “I…I had a dream about him.” I have no clue why I’m telling this man about my unusual dream. But there is something about him that just invites me to tell all.

  “Tell me about it.” He urges.

  “He was holding me, and whispering words…Sweet, sweet words. I felt like I had been waiting all my life to hear those words. And then…He begged me to remember him.” I swallow hard, emotion clogging my throat. “What…What is his first name?”

  “Keith. Keith Winthrop.”

  I roll the name around in my mind. It makes something deep in my heart cry out in agonizing pain. I wrap my arms around my chest, trying to protect myself from the pain. Dr. Hayes watches me with a concerned frown.

  He gives me a few minutes before starting the questions again. “Tell me about Mr. Marshall…Christian. Have you been friends long?”

  “For a while.” I try to remember when exactly we became friends but it makes my head ache.

  “Do you love him?” The question is blunt and makes me laugh. “Why is that funny?”

  I shake my head. “Christian and I don’t feel that way about each other. He has always been more like a brother to me…Well, maybe a brother-in-law. Bee is crazy about him, though. And even if I did have feelings for Christian like that, which I never would, I couldn’t do something like that to her. It’s kind of a best friend code.”

  “So he is just a friend?” I nod. “Is there someone special in your life?”

  The pain in my head nearly doubles me over. I bite my lips to keep from crying out. But the doctor wants an answer. “Kari! Kari, is there someone special in your life?”