by S. E. Lund
"I'm sorry," she said and stroked my back. "She said you punched Chris."
I glanced at her and shook my head. "Yeah I punched the sonofabitch after he punched me. He said he didn’t want a pervert anywhere near his son as long as Liam was a minor. As if I'd be some bad influence on Liam. Christ," I said and got up, going to look out the window. "All I wanted was to see him and speak with him, give him the photograph of his grandfather. I don’t care what they told Liam—say it's some distant uncle on someone's side. Let him know he had a relative who was heroic and maybe one day tell him the truth about me. But no. So, yeah, when he punched me, I popped the bastard a good one in return."
Kate stood and said nothing and I knew she was shocked to see me so angry. I had always kept my emotions in check when around her. It was my thing—control. I didn’t want to change that perception in her mind so I took in a deep breath and pulled her into my arms.
“I’m fine,” I said and exhaled heavily. “I got the message. I won’t go in again to see Liam.”
She squeezed me hard at that, her expression so serious, so much empathy for me in her eyes.
We went to bed soon after that, and I tossed and turned, unable to sleep, thoughts of Liam and Chris and Maureen dogging me.
We both kept busy over the next few days.
Kate went to her studio each morning while I went to the hospital for my shots and I kept busy so she could stay at the studio as long as her heart desired.
I wasn’t up for much because of the effects of the Filgrastim, my bones aching as they pumped out more stem cells into my bloodstream.
By the fourth day of my shots, I felt like an old man and spent the afternoon and evening lying on the couch with a blanket covering me, drinking hot tea and eating Kate’s homemade scones with jam. She mothered me, which was something I wasn’t very used to given my childhood.
I ate it up like it was candy.
The day of my procedure came and I woke up with a nasty headache.
Kate snuggled against my back. “How are you?” she whispered, her arms slipping gingerly around me.
"As much as I'm glad I'm able to do this,” I said with a moan. “I'll be really happy to get rid of this headache."
She stroked my back. "How long before you start feeling back to normal?"
I rolled over and faced her. "A few days. It's really nothing. Just a few aches and a headache. Nothing more than what I'd get after a really intense workout or a flu."
I leaned down and kissed her and then rolled slowly out of the bed, sitting on the edge for a moment, rubbing my head. I went to the bathroom and had a pee and then started the shower.
"You not going to join me?" I said from the bathroom.
"No, you go ahead without me,” she said. “I'll have one later."
The hot spray woke me up, taking away the fuzz in my brain and I hummed to myself as I washed, glad that the day had come and soon I’d be feeling better.
I finished and wrapped a towel around my waist, then stood in front of my closet, sorting through my shirts and suits.
Kate lay on the bed and watched me dress. I felt her eyes on me, and looked forward to reestablishing our sexual relationship, which had been on hold for the past week.
"What is going on in that mind of yours, Ms. Bennet? You're being far too quiet."
She smiled. "I was thinking how nice your ass is and how I intend to touch it and run my hands all over your body when you're feeling up to sex."
I pulled on my shirt and fastened the cuffs and buttons, watching her while I did.
When I was done, I went to the bed and leaned over her. "I'm sorry we've been so chaste the last few days. I'll make it up to you."
"You don't have to make anything up," she said, pushing a hank of wet hair behind my ear. "I understand. Besides, I'm under the weather, too."
"I didn't let you get away with that excuse, so technically, you shouldn't have let me, but I tell you what," I said stroked her cheek. "When I feel better, you can give me a nice massage and pretend you're my favorite harem girl."
"Sounds perfect,” she said. “Except, maybe your only harem girl, because you've given up all the others, sending them away because they can't satisfy you any longer. Only me."
I smiled and then kissed her. "Only you."
Then I stood up and finished dressing.
"How long will the procedure take?" she asked from the bed.
"About six hours, depending on how fast they can process my blood. I should be home later in the afternoon."
"You're wonderful for doing this."
"He's my son," I said, shaking my head. "How could I say no?"
She didn’t say anything but when I glanced at her, I saw her eyes were brimming. I went back and leaned over her once more. "I love you."
"I love you," she whispered, cupping my cheek. "You sure you don't want me to come with you? I'd be more than happy to if you want company."
I shook my head. "No. I'll have lots of company. There are nurses who stay with you the whole time. Besides, it's really early and you need to sleep some more. I know this is your heavy day. You stay in bed and take some Advil. Don't even bother to go into the studio. Later, we'll have a nice dinner delivered here and drink some wine for your cramps."
"Will you be okay driving?"
"I'll take a taxi there and back."
I bent down one last time and kissed her, unable to ever get enough of her. Then, I left her on the bed with a promise to return as soon as the procedure was over.
I went to NYP, to the Weill Cornell Medical College, which ran New York Presbyterian’s stem cell and bone marrow transplant program and met with the apheresis team of nurses who would do the transplant.
The nurses were all very sweet and doted over me, knowing that I was doing the donation for my son, so I was treated extremely well the entire time. They found a separate space for me so I would be alone, hooked me up to the apheresis machine via an intravenous catheter, and ran my blood through the machine to harvest the peripheral stem cells. The whole process took only four hours and because Liam was so young and small, they were pretty sure I wouldn’t have to do another donation and so I was discharged home once the procedure was complete.
I arrived mid-afternoon and by the time I got in the door, I was exhausted.
"How are you feeling? You look tired," Kate said as she came to help me, hanging up my coat while I removed my boots.
"I feel like total and complete crap. I need to lie down for a while.”
After she hung up my coat, she took my jacket and hung it up, then followed me into the bedroom to watch while I undressed.
“Can you bring me some tea?" I asked once I was in my sweats and a t-shirt.
"Sure. Do you need some food?"
"I ate after the donation, but I feel pretty weak so I'm done for the day."
I went to the living room and crashed on the couch, pulling the soft wool blanket over me, my head on the pillow.
She bent down and kissed me, stroking hair from my face. "What kind of tea?"
"Whatever you want. And some of those scones, too, now that you mention it."
She smiled and went to the kitchen. I decided I wanted to watch some news and switched on the television, turning to CNN.
When Kate returned, she set the tray on the coffee table and sat on the couch beside me. She babied me, fixing a scone and pouring sugar in my tea the way I liked. When she handed me the plate with the scone on it, I sat up a little and bit into it hungrily.
"Mmm," I said. "These are so good."
We ate our scones and drank our tea in silence, watching the news. When I was finished my scone, I took a big slurp of tea, sighing in contentment.
"I'm sorry I'm not much good today. I know I promised you a scene and that it never happened. It will."
"No worries," she said, shrugging. "We have time for that. Considering your noble deed, you deserve to be waited on. I'm happy to do it."
I put my cup down and ne
stled back into the pillows and under the cover. "I'm exhausted. I hope you don't mind if I sleep for a while."
"Of course not."
I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
I slept through the evening and Kate didn’t even wake me for supper, letting me rest until I woke up on my own around nine at night. She brought me some supper of fish and salad, and I lay on the couch with her for a while, and together we watched a show on the National Geographic channel.
Then it was to bed for another eight hours of sleep. I had never slept so long before, outside of having the flu and sleeping for almost sixteen hours straight once. The sleep was revitalizing and the next day I was eager to call the hospital and see whether Liam had his transplant procedure yet.
I spoke with the nurse heading up his care team and was pleased that he received the transplant almost immediately. They coordinated the donation and transplant so they could do the two procedures as close as possible. All that was left was the wait to see whether the transplant took.
I gradually recovered over the next few days and kept busy at the Foundation or Corporation. After so many years in medical school and in specialist training and then in practice, I was used to being extra busy. I couldn’t stand to lie around too much with nothing to do, so I hung around a bit at the hospital, feeling like I was at least useful.
Kate spent her time at the studio working on her canvas. In this way, the two of us kept to as normal a schedule as possible while we waited for news of Liam’s transplant.
In truth, I felt completely distracted by the whole business of discovering I had a son and that he was sick. My run in with Maureen and Chris only served to remind me of how poorly I had managed my marriage and relationship with Maureen. I had no idea she was having an affair, busy as I had been running between the hospital, Mersey and my work with Doctors Without Borders.
One morning, Kate woke up earlier than usual and crept back into bed with me, slipping her arms around me. She kissed my shoulder and lay there, her hand resting on my abdomen. I knew Kate was feeling deprived for we hadn’t had sex since before the transplant.
I didn’t know why I felt no desire, but I didn’t. It was as if the sexual part of me shut off during that time. I read up on the side effects of the medication, but there was nothing about any decline in sexual desire.
Whatever the case, I felt too distracted, too sad, to think about sex. I didn’t feel like talking about my lack of desire either, even though I had the sense that Kate was frustrated.
I gently moved her arm from around my waist and slipped out of bed, hoping that she wouldn’t push because I couldn’t face it. Not then. Most men would probably look to sex to distract themselves from their problems, but for me, sex had never been a distraction.
I went to the bathroom and started a shower, glad to feel the hot sting of the stream of water on my face. I stood and luxuriated in the steamy enclosure, when I realized that Kate and entered and was standing beside me.
I smiled, but I felt wary and hoped she wouldn’t try to initiate anything.
"Ms. Bennet, why are you up so early?"
"I'm all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning for some reason," she said and stepped a bit closer to me, letting the water wash over her. She had to know how much I loved shower sex, and seeing her deliciously ripe body all wet and sudsy.
"Excuse me," she said and leaned in front of me to get to the soap dispenser. She lathered her hair, the suds slipping down over her body, her breasts and between her thighs. Then she began to wash herself, and of course, I couldn’t help but watch.
When she bent down to wash her feet, her ass on display for me, I groaned.
"Kate…" I said. "What are you up to? Are you trying to seduce me?"
"I'm trying to have a shower."
When she started to rinse off her hair, I leaned over her, my hands on the wall on either side of her, so that she was confined against the shower wall.
"Katherine…"
She said nothing but glanced down at my throbbing erection.
"What are you doing?" I said again, wanting her to admit she was trying to seduce me.
She blinked several times, all innocent. She knew the rules. I decided when we would have sex and how.
She finally closed her eyes. "I'm sorry. It's just that," she said and shrugged her shoulder, looking away guiltily.
"It's just that what?"
She said nothing, merely looked back at me, searching my face as if looking for a sign of sympathy or tolerance on my part.
"I'm… horny."
I smiled at that. "Why Ms. Bennet, I do believe you've been trying to seduce me with your nice wet body and soapy hands lathering your nether regions."
"My nether regions?" she smiled up at me, acting deliberately coy.
"May I remind you that we have an agreement?"
"I know we do but we agreed to be spontaneous sometimes, and you're obviously hard and, well. I thought…"
"When it comes to sex,” I said, my tone pedantic, “it's not your place to think, Katherine. That's my job. But I'm glad you finally told me why you're being deliberately disobedient, trying to seduce me."
"You are?" she said, and I knew from her expression that she was hoping she’d seduce me and I’d be unable to resist.
"Yes," I said and moved a bit closer. "That way I'll know why I'm spanking you."
She frowned and closed her eyes. "Drake, I need you." She opened her eyes and stared into mine, unashamed. "Either that, or let me masturbate."
I shook my head. "No," I said. "We'll do something later this afternoon. I haven’t decided what just yet, but I want you nice and wet and desperate when the time comes."
"I'm nice and wet and desperate right now," she said in frustration.
"I know it's been a while, but I've been under the weather. You can wait."
Then she turned and ducked under my arm, leaving the shower, wrapping a towel around herself. I followed and pulled a towel around my hips and my still-erect cock.
“No one said it would be easy, Kate."
She glared at me. "It doesn't make sense. I'm horny and you’re hard. We should just … fuck. It's been almost a week."
"I don't want to just fuck. That's an end to it, Katherine," I said, wanting to stop this before it got too meaningful. I just couldn’t do it at that moment but Kate couldn’t seem to understand that I wasn’t a stud service.
She sighed and turned away, heading to her dresser drawers to pick out some clothes for the day. I followed her and stood behind her.
"How does it feel?"
She pulled a drawer open a bit too roughly and it almost fell out. "You know very well how it feels."
"No, I don't,” I said. “I don't have a delicious little woman's body like you. Tell me. Close your eyes and describe how your body feels."
She stopped what she was doing and closed her eyes. I went around to watch her, wanting to know how she felt.
"Butterflies in my stomach," she said. "My body aches, everything feels swollen. It's throbbing a bit, like a heartbeat. I feel a little breathless. I'm wet and I feel like I want to squeeze my thighs together. Rub my clit." She opened her eyes. "I want your cock inside of me."
I leaned against the dresser, and watched her.
"If I was to fuck you now," I said, aroused in spite of everything, but wanting to assert control, "it would be over in about two minutes. You'd orgasm and then two minutes later, I would and it would be finished."
She nodded. "That would be a relief. I could get on with my day."
"You make sex sound like a simple bodily function," I said, grinning briefly. "Sex between us is more than that, Kate. It should be special."
She sighed. "You're trying to keep the potatoes and gravy separate on the plate, Drake."
When she turned away, I grabbed her arm and stopped her, pulling her back to face me once more.
"Kate," I said. "You're here with me all the time now, pretty much every hour of t
he day when we're both free. What more do you need?"
"I'm not with you very long. You keep extremely busy, even now when you aren’t working as a surgeon. Even when you don’t have to be away. I'm afraid that you're trying to avoid me."
She pulled her arm out of my grip and grabbed her clothes, dressing quickly while I stood by helpless.
"I'm not the only one who's busy,” I said. “You spend every day at the studio and do I complain? Why would I try to avoid you?"
She shook her head as she dressed. "I don’t know. You're the one with an undergraduate degree in psychology. Your life's getting too messy and out of control? You're afraid of being hurt again?"
"You’re not afraid of being hurt?"
She shook her head. "I'm more afraid of feeling nothing. No love. No pain. Nothing feels like," she said. "Like death. Like the people I saw in the camps, skeletons, barely alive but living despite everything, their eyes huge, blank. Even pain is better." She came to me and stared up into my eyes. "I want to feel, Drake. Everything, good and bad. It was like I couldn't feel when I was depressed. Nothing. That's what I'm afraid of."
She sighed and pulled her sweater over her head. "You're here with me but you still need to keep it all separate. Now, you do it all with me present. But none of it really mixes. It's like you're keeping that part of yourself separate, not emotionally involved in sex, so that it’s pure. You can control it. Protect yourself. It means you can never get really close to me."
I frowned and rubbed my forehead. "I don't understand. What more do you want from me? We sleep together. We eat together. We fuck. A lot."
"Not lately."
"I have a good reason," I said, hurt that she wasn’t giving me the space I needed, considering everything that had happened.
She shook her head as if she realized she was being insensitive. "I'm sorry, that was wrong of me. Of course you have a good reason. But I can't be the one who initiates. Why? Does it threaten you that I have desire outside of your actions?"
"No, of course not. I know you do. But submission requires that you turn over your desires and choices to me. It frees you so that you no longer feel responsible for your desire or when we have sex. That's what submissives crave."
