Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  I was ready to start living again. I was ready to move on with my life, no matter who was or wasn’t planning on being in it. Ethan is my better half. He may not be a part of my life anymore, but there was still the other part of me that wanted to live, to move forward, and to rebuild my life. That part of me was going to win this battle. It may take a little glue, but I was going to repair my heart.

  I felt his hand graze my cheek, and I opened my eyes. I know that I had been in my own world for a few minutes, and I had needed that. I had needed to get my head on straight. I needed to figure out exactly what it was that I wanted. Opening my eyes and staring into his, I knew. This is what I wanted, what I needed.

  “Good morning, sunshine. Glad you’re back.”

  “Back?” It took me a minute to realize that he was talking about my trip. I had been entranced with my previous thought that I had almost forgotten that I had even gone away. “Yeah. I’m back.”

  That’s when he kissed me. He must have known that I wanted him to. His body must have sensed what my body was screaming in that moment.

  We had shared a number of stolen kisses over the years. This felt different. This felt right. If it wasn’t for my mom bursting through the door to see if we were up and ready for breakfast, it would have been the best kiss we had ever shared.

  “Sorry, I didn’t realize that I needed to knock. Breakfast is ready when you two are.” She spoke fast and disappeared faster. I knew that she was embarrassed and so was I. I had never been caught making out in my bed before. It was a different feeling, and it caused me to laugh uncontrollably.

  “What is so funny? I think your mom is gonna want to have a talk with us about the birds and the bees now.”

  That made me laugh even harder, and I wasn’t able to speak. I tried to calm down but I kept picturing my mom’s face when she caught sight of us. It was a cross between shock and embarrassment. She acted like we were in the middle of doing something else. That thought alone was enough to make me stop laughing immediately.

  “She’s going to be fine. It was probably just a shock to her system. She knew you were here, right?”

  “Yeah. She let me in last night. I hung around and waited for you to wake up but you never did, so she told me I could just crash here.”

  “What time did you get here?”

  “Natalie called as she was pulling out of your driveway. I rushed over to make sure you were okay, but you were already asleep.”

  Wow! He came as soon as he knew I was home. He knew that I wouldn’t be okay, and he rushed to my side. He waited and waited for me to wake up on my own, and when I didn’t, he made sure he was here this morning. I needed time to process this information. We had only started talking again a few weeks ago. He was acting as if we had never even been apart. As if I had never pushed him away, and destroyed our friendship. He was acting as if he had forgiven me.

  “Oh!” That was all I could muster at that moment. Yesterday, it had felt like the world was crashing in around me. Today, I wake up to find Brad in my bed. It’s like my life did a 180 degree turn in less than twenty four hours. Is that even possible?

  “So, should we go join your mom for breakfast? I’m sure she’s wondering where we are.”

  “Yeah. I could definitely eat.” Like I had it cued up and ready to sound, my stomach growled. It caused me to chuckle, and that was the first time I had felt at peace and happy in the last three months, maybe longer.

  After eating a very tense breakfast with my mom and sister, I knew that it was time for Brad to go. I needed to start picking up the pieces of my life so that I could start putting them all back together. Today was going to be the first day of the next chapter. Today was a new beginning. It was also the end of a lot of things. Today was the day that I was finally going to forgive myself for the damage that I had caused to myself and to everyone around me. Whether I did it on purpose or not, it was time to make my amends. I had to start with myself.

  First on my list was to find a job. It didn’t have to be anything special, just a way to bring in some money. If I wasn’t going to be taking classes again for another couple of months, then I needed to fill my time somehow. If I didn’t, I would probably never be able to move on. Too much time spent alone would allow me the opportunity to overanalyze every little aspect of my life. That was something that I did not want to do anymore.

  I showered and dressed in a skirt and nice top. I wasn’t trying to dress up or to impress anyone. I just wanted to look presentable. I took the time to straighten out my curls and pin my hair back off my face. I even took a couple extra minutes on my makeup. I wanted to look natural but pretty at the same time. Once I was done, I felt pretty.

  The last thing I reached for was my jewelry box. I hadn’t opened it since moving back in with my mom. I could see the dust that was building up on the top of the lid. I could feel the tension in my neck, and my breathing sped up as I reached for the latch. I knew that the second I opened that box, that I would see the earrings that Ethan had bought me, amongst other items. The only thing that wasn’t in that box was the engagement ring that I had given back to him.

  I flipped the latch and opened the lid. I was right, the earrings were taunting me the second I saw them. I wanted to wear them but I knew that I wasn’t quite ready to take that step yet. Instead, I reached for the diamond earrings that my mom had gotten me for a birthday present a few years back and the emerald ring that Brad had given me.

  As I slipped the ring on my finger, it feels cold and unnatural. I had worn that ring for years without removing it but a few times. In those few moments without it, my hand had felt empty, naked. Putting on that ring for the first time in a year, I should have felt something, anything. All I felt was the cold metal that encompassed my finger.

  I let the feeling pass and slipped my earrings in. I was dressed to impress and ready to go out and find myself a job. I took one final look at myself in the mirror before snagging up my phone off the charger and heading downstairs. I had a voicemail and a text waiting for me, both from Natalie.

  Natalie: Just wanted to make sure we were still on for coffee later today.

  We must have made plans while I was zoned out yesterday. I remember talking with her on the ride to my house, but I don’t remember what we had talked about. I had been too far inside of my own head to notice anything that was going on around me.

  Her voicemail was to remind me of our coffee date. She sounded worried. It’s hard to tell someone’s tone from a text, but her tone was undeniable in her voicemail. She was hesitant and worried. Well, she would see the new me in a few hours and all her worry would melt away. Hopefully.

  I found a job at the first place I stopped. I had never dreamed of being a barista at a coffee shop. The manager was nice and I was pretty sure that he recognized me as a regular customer, so he took a chance on me and hired me on the spot. It didn’t pay much and the hours weren’t very good, but it was a start, I guess.

  I was close to campus, so instead of driving home and sitting around until it was time for me to meet up with Natalie, I decided to take a walk around. The afternoon was warm and the campus was always a beautiful sight when the flowers were starting to bloom again. The colder months made it seem void of life, but I knew that today would be different.

  I parked in the student lot knowing that my parking sticker would keep me from being towed and got out. I immediately had a flashback to the first time I had stepped foot on the campus. Ethan and I had been dropping off some paperwork and enrolling me in a few classes. He had given me the grand tour that day of the entire campus, from one end to the other.

  I decided in that moment that I was going to take that tour again. I headed straight for the athletic building remembering that was where we had started. I was about two buildings away when the tennis courts came into view, and I could see that practice was going on. I thought about stopping and watching, but I wasn’t sure that I was ready to see my coach, so I detoured around the courts and circ
led back once they were behind me.

  Walking up to the athletic building was a whole other challenge in itself. The last time I had been at this end of campus had been over the summer, when I had come to talk with my coach. The day I had broken the news to him about not being released to play was probably the hardest day of my life, at that point anyway.

  I took a sharp left turn and started to walk towards the other end of the campus. I was glad that I had settled on flats when I had gotten dressed that morning. If I had gone with the pumps that I knew looked better with the skirt, I would have been regretting that decision right about now. Campus was at least a mile from one end to the other, and I was pretty sure that my legs would have given out before that if I had worn the pumps.

  I took a right turn after the next building and found myself back at the tennis courts. I was walking the path that Ethan and I had taken that day long ago, and forgotten that we had walked to the courts. Before I could change my mind about watching, I found myself standing just outside the fence.

  My body tensed up when I saw Coach Jones, my assistant coach, wave to me. He started in my direction, and before I knew it, I was inside the fence and headed towards him as well. I knew that no one harbored any bad feelings for me and that I was always welcome here, but I also knew that I had let my team down. I was the one harboring feelings of hatred for the sport.

  “Becca. So nice to see you.” He wrapped me in a hug the second I was within arm’s reach. I immediately felt the pain in my shoulder and cringed, but held back the scream that was trying to break free of my lungs. “So, how have you been?”

  “Fine, I guess. How’s the team this year?”

  “We’ve got a couple of new faces but it’s pretty much the same team as last year. We miss you around here, and I don’t just mean on the team. We’ve missed that positive attitude you used to bring to practice.”

  Positive attitude? Where did I leave that exactly? Oh! I must have forgotten to take it with me when I was released from the hospital. I know for a fact that I haven’t been a very positive person over the last year.

  “I’ve missed you guys too.”

  “So, what brings you to the courts today? Are you here to watch, or did you want to work your shoulder out a little?”

  No!

  “I was just taking a walk around the campus and stopped to watch for a minute. I actually have to get going. I’m meeting a friend for coffee in a little bit.”

  “Oh, well, don’t be a stranger. We would love to see you more often. You’re always welcome to drop by, you know that.”

  “Of course. I’ve just been a little busy.”

  “Okay, well tell Ethan hello for us, and come see us again soon.”

  Ethan. Just his name alone makes me want to break down and cry but I don’t. I won’t allow myself. It’s not the place or the time to let that happen. I don’t want to cry over him anymore. I am moving on.

  I kept those thoughts running through my head the entire walk to the cafeteria. I repeat them over and over again. I need to be strong. This is me moving on. This is me starting over. This is me getting my life back. I am going to forgive myself for the things I’ve done and become a better version of myself, a better person.

  Natalie’s waiting for me on the couches when I walk through the door. Her excitement is obvious as she flails her arms above her head to make sure that I see her. There is no way I could have missed her, since she is one of only ten people or so in the entire area.

  “Hey. I almost didn’t see you sitting over here.” My attempt at being funny actually worked this time. Natalie threw her head back and laughed loudly. Her laughter echoed off the walls, and the entire room looked over to where we were sitting.

  “Sorry. I’m just excited to see you, I guess. You look nice today. What’s the special occasion?”

  “I went job hunting.”

  “Really? Did you find anything?”

  “Yeah. I got hired at the coffee shop on Broadway that we used to go to all the time. It’s not the ‘dream job’ I was hoping for but it will do for now.”

  “That’s great, Becca. I’ll have to make it a point to come in and see you. When do you start?”

  “I have to go in tomorrow to fill out some paperwork, and then I start on Monday. He said my training should only last a few days and then I should be on my own. It sounds like it could be a lot of fun.”

  “Good. You need a little fun in your life right now.” She grimaced as she realized what she said. I saw her relax a little when I smiled in return. She was right. I could use a little fun in my life. “So, I take it you’re not mad at me for calling Brad last night?”

  “No. Why would I be?”

  “Well, I knew that you were hurting and I thought that maybe you needed someone to talk to, but I wasn’t sure who. I took a chance and thought that maybe you would talk to him since you weren’t really talking to me. I know things between you guys are kind of different these days, so I wasn’t sure how you would react.”

  “Things between us are fine. We talked this morning a little but not about anything important. More than anything, it’s gonna have to be me reminding myself that I tried the best I could and that I need to move on.”

  She’s smiling at me but not saying anything. I’m not sure what I said, but apparently, it was the right thing. I smiled back at her but when she starts to squeal with excitement, I get really confused. I watched her as her legs starts to bounce and her body starts to shake like she’s about to burst.

  “What?”

  “You talked this morning? Like, as in, he was still at your house this morning? As in, he stayed the night at your house?”

  Now I see clearly. She’s excited for me. She must think that I have completely moved on, that Brad and I are now a couple or something.

  “As in, he was there when I woke up because I slept from the time you dropped me off until early this morning. As in, I wasn’t even aware of his presence. As in, you need to calm down before you splinter into a million pieces over nothing.”

  “It’s not nothing, Becca. When I left you yesterday, you were just the shell of the person you used to be. You were empty inside. It’s like you were in there, somewhere, but you didn’t want to be found. I saw the look on your face when you walked into the baggage claim area, and I was worried I would never get you back. You looked completely broken. Now, here you sit saying things about how you need to ‘move on’ and telling me that Brad was with you this morning. This isn’t nothing. This is progress. This is you getting your life back to the way it used to be. This is you allowing yourself to heal and to forgive yourself. This is huge!”

  She was right. This was a bigger deal than I really thought it was. Or at least it was a bigger deal than I wanted to make it out to be. I was healing. I was going to get back to the person that I used to be, before I met Ethan. Before he became a part of my life. Before I fell so deeply in love with him that I wasn’t sure where he ended and I began. I need to get back to that Becca, for me.

  I found a way to change the subject and we talked about wedding details for the next hour or so, until Natalie had to go to her next class. I contemplated finishing my tour of the campus but was feeling emotionally drained, and instead, headed straight for my car. I knew that if I stayed on campus any longer, that I would end up running into someone that I knew, or Ethan knew, and I didn’t have the energy to deal with anyone after talking with Natalie for so long.

  Chapter 12

  June 2012

  The days and weeks started to fly by. I was working at the coffee shop as much as I could and decided that I would take summer classes to fill the rest of my time. Natalie and I spent almost every free moment together. I was now officially helping her plan her wedding. I hadn’t intended on helping her, knowing that I would feel a stabbing pain every now and again, but it just sort of happened, and the pains started to fade the more we planned.

  Brad and I are talking on a regular basis. We are back to being t
he friends that we used to be. I have been leaning on him heavily for the past few months since coming back from England. I thought that maybe he would try and turn things up a notch, but he’s been letting me set the pace, and I have been keeping it slow and steady. I know that things would and could be wonderful if we took our relationship to the next level, I’m just not ready.

  I know that deep down I’ve finally forgiven myself for all the crap that happened back in December. I walked in on Natalie and Morgan talking about Ethan the other day. The mention of his name triggered a pain in my heart, but it was milder than it has been in months. I know that I will always love him, and that I will probably still be in love with him for a while, but that it’s over between us. I haven’t heard a word from him and it’s June.

  Ting

  As I’m walking out of work, I faintly heard my phone alert me to a text. It’s hot out, and all I wanted to do is get in my car and crank up the air conditioning. My phone sounds off again, and I give in and stop to dig for it in my purse. I open up Natalie’s text immediately when I find my phone. It falls to the ground as the words I read sink in.

  Natalie: You just got a delivery here from England?

  I know what she’s talking about. I never mentioned it to her, and I know that I should have. I tried to bring it up in conversation a couple of times, but it’s such a random thing that I never knew quite how to say it.

  I pick up my phone from the sidewalk and pop the battery back in. I make a dash toward my car and start cooling it down as I wait for my phone to restart. What do I do? Do I go and pick it up? Do I leave it there? Do I tell her it’s a mistake and to send it back?

  Before I realize what I’m doing, I have sent her a message that says I’m on my way over. I hear my phone ting with a reply, but I’m already out in traffic. My hands are already shaky, and I need to concentrate on the road ahead of me.