All Our Yesterdays

by Natalia Ginzburg

  He asked her if she would marry him. In that way she would not have to get rid of the baby. The streets were full of babies and certainly they grew up into men with scowling, nasty faces, and yet it seemed to him sad that one of them should be got rid of. He himself would not remember often that this baby was not his own child, in any case all those stories about the voice of the blood were very silly, his blood had no voice. He had never dreamed of wanting a child, but seeing that there was one to be had he would take it. Perhaps he was very old to marry her but all the years he had behind him did not weigh much, he had galloped through them so fast, never had he looked back to count the things he had lost. And what made people grow old was to keep looking back in order to count, counting made you grow very old all at once, with a sharp nose and gloomy, rapacious eyes. He himself had always galloped on. Then she looked at him in bewilderment and wondered how old Cenzo Rena could be, fifty, sixty, goodness knows. There was no further need to look for a doctor who would do something or other to her body to make the baby disappear. She would marry Cenzo Rena, and so her life would be over, nothing unexpected or strange would ever happen to her again, it would be Cenzo Rena and Cenzo Rena for ever.

  She said yes, she would marry him. But she told him she felt a little cold at the thought of having decided something for the whole of her life. Cenzo Rena said he himself felt very cold too, he felt long, cold shudders down his back, but anyone who was afraid of a cold shudder did not deserve to live, he deserved to hang on a leaf all his life. And she, now, had got to come away from her leaf, only insects remained on leaves, with their little staring, sad eyes, and their little motionless feet, and their short, sad little breathing. In order to get married it was necessary to know whether you felt free and happy together, with cold shudders down your back because even joy has its cold shudders, and with a great fear of making a mistake and a real desire to go forward. And he himself had never felt so free and happy as he had the day before when he had begun to think he might marry her, for he had thought of it at once and had been awake all night thinking about it, and he had had such long, cold shudders that he had got up and drunk some brandy and put on his sweater over his pyjamas.

  They turned back, and stopped at an inn on the road. Cenzo Rena ordered wine, salame sausage and figs. The figs were in a basket covered with moist leaves, the salame was cut in slices and was full of little white eyes and grains of pepper. Anna asked if she would still have to take her mathematical exam in October, Cenzo Rena said no, they drank a toast to the mathematical exam that had rolled away like a cloud. Cenzo Rena told her they would get married at once, in a few days’ time, and then they would leave at once for his own village, he pulled out a map of Italy and showed her where his village was, far away where the South began. There the baby would be born and no one would ever know that the father of the baby was not himself, Cenzo Rena, but a boy with teeth like a wolf. There they would stay until the end of the war, afterwards he would start travelling again if there was an afterwards, at present it was not worth thinking about. She could burn all her school books in the stove, she would be learning other things now, perhaps she would learn from La Maschiona how to make an omelette with onions. He drew a picture of La Maschiona on the edge of a newspaper, La Maschiona had been his servant for almost twenty years. He drew a triangular face underneath a kind of black cloud and two big feet coming out of the ears. La Maschiona was like that, he said, all feet and hair. He immediately wrote her a post-card to say he was arriving in a few days with a wife and she must wash the stairs.

  Then they went into a barber’s shop because Cenzo Rena needed a shave and it worried him. In the barber’s shop they stood looking at themselves in the mirror and the barber waited. They laughed a great deal at seeing themselves like that in the mirror, he with his long waterproof all muddy and crumpled and she dishevelled and bewildered in a dress that had once been a curtain. They did not look at all as if they were just going to undergo a wedding ceremony, he said. They did not look at all exultant and triumphant. They looked like two people who had been flung against each other by chance in a sinking ship. For them there had been no fanfare of trumpets, he said. And that was a good thing, because when fate announced itself with a loud fanfare of trumpets you always had to be a little on your guard. Fanfares of trumpets usually announced only small, futile things, it was a way fate had of teasing people. You felt a great exaltation and heard a loud fanfare of trumpets in the sky. But the serious things of life, on the contrary, took you by surprise, they spurted up all of a sudden like water. She had not quite understood what it was, this fanfare of trumpets, she asked him as he was sitting in the revolving chair with his face all covered with soap. A fanfare of trumpets, he said, a fanfare of trumpets. The way fate had of teasing people. Some people waited all their lives for some little fanfare or other, and their lives passed without any fanfares and they felt defrauded and unhappy. And others heard nothing but fanfares and ran about hither and thither, and then they were very tired and thirsty and there was no water left to drink. There was nothing left but dust and fanfares. As they went out of the shop they took another look in the mirror, she told him that at all events she never again wished to wear dresses made out of curtains. Cenzo Rena said she was wrong, dresses made out of curtains suited her very well. When they were inside the car he bent down and kissed her, and then she saw very closely the grey streaks in his hair and moustache and his tortoiseshell spectacles and all the grains of rice.

  It was dark when they arrived back at Le Visciole, and Signora Maria was waiting at the gate. She said that ever since the affair of Ippolito she was always expecting misfortunes, she was not as brave as she had once been, as soon as it became dark she was worried if they were not all in the house. She wanted to see the watch at once, she took hold of Anna’s wrist so as to look at it. Cenzo Rena clapped his hand to his forehead, he had quite for-gotten about it but there was still time to buy watches, there was plenty and plenty of time. Signora Maria was disappointed and much astonished, what had they been doing then for so many hours in the town? Cenzo Rena said they had not been in the town. He stopped to pat the dog and play with it, he asked its pardon for not having greeted it properly on his arrival the evening before. They went into the dining-room, Concettina was there putting the baby to sleep, Emilio and Giustino were playing chess. Cenzo Rena said that he and Anna were getting married at once, as soon as the papers were ready, in fact someone must speak to that same superintendent of police who had once tried to hit him, and must promise him a present if he would hurry up and get the papers together quickly, Signora Maria must speak to him because he himself did not wish to see that policeman’s face. He said this and they all sat still and in silence, and they looked now at Cenzo Rena and now at Anna, and Concettina all of a sudden gave the baby to Signora Maria and came forward to Cenzo Rena and said that so long as she was alive this dirty thing should not happen. She told him to look at himself in the looking-glass, perhaps he had not noticed that he was an ugly old gentleman. He had money and so he believed he could buy anything, but they were not to be bought, their father had not brought them up so that when the moment came someone might be able to buy them. Cenzo Rena said he no longer had so very much money, though he still had a little. He often looked at himself in the looking-glass and he had known for some time that he was an ugly old gentleman. But perhaps something worse might happen to a girl than to marry him. All at once he flew into a terrible rage, he upset the chess table with his knee, something worse, he shouted, something worse. Giustino bent down to pick up the chessmen from the carpet. What did they know about Anna, shouted Cenzo Rena and walked up and down the room, what did they know about each other, they had let Ippolito die on a seat. Then Concettina started to cry, it was not her fault that Ippolito was dead, she had never imagined that he wanted to die. She sobbed with her face between her hands and the baby screamed, Signora Maria rocked it gently on her knee and looked round with troubled eyes, Cenzo Rena was mad, h
e was mad and it might easily happen now that he would wreck the whole house. The chess table was lying on the floor with a broken leg. But Cenzo Rena calmed down suddenly, he asked Concettina’s pardon for having made her cry, he helped Giustino to collect the chessmen and looked at the table with the broken leg, it could perfectly well be mended, it was easy. Concettina said they must never speak to her about that seat, never never, she was always carefully trying not to think about that seat, she was trying to tear it away from in front of her eyes. She asked Cenzo Rena’s pardon for having said that he was an ugly old gentleman. Cenzo Rena told her she had spoken quite truly, he was an ugly rather old gentleman, he was almost forty-eight. But he was not thinking of buying anybody and he did not want to do anything dirty, he wanted to do good and not ill. They were all very quiet and sad now, they were gathered round the baby cracking their fingers to make him stop screaming, Concettina was still sobbing gently and they gave her a glass of water to sip. Then they remembered Anna and gave her some water too, because she was looking very tired and pale. And Cenzo Rena told Concettina that he wished to speak to her alone for a moment and he went upstairs with her. Giustino went to fetch the glue and he and Emilio tried to mend the leg of the table.

  When she came back to the dining-room Concettina was very cold and severe. She sat down in an armchair and lit a cigarette, Signora Maria told her that smoking was not good for her milk but she took no notice. She smoked and looked sideways now at Signora Maria and now at Anna. She said that Signora Maria must go to the superintendent of police at once next morning, they wanted the papers for the marriage at once. She told Anna to go to bed and Giustino to stop messing with the glue and go up to his room. And so they were left alone, Emilio, Concettina and Signora Maria. Signora Maria said she felt her head going round, was it really going to happen that Cenzo Rena and Anna were getting married, were they giving Anna in marriage to a madman, to a madman like that? And they had not even asked Anna whether she liked marrying this madman, but in any case even if she liked marrying him it made no difference, goodness knows what sort of stories this madman had been telling her, goodness knows how he had made her fall in love with him. Her head was going round violently, she closed her eyes and dug her fingers into the arms of her chair, but Concettina said she did not believe in these fainting fits of here, in difficult moments she always imagined she was going to faint but she never did, Cenzo Rena was not in the least mad, said Concettina. Nor had she herself any wish to give a lot of explanations, they were getting married and that was enough. She smoked and smoothed down her dress over her knees. Cenzo Rena had persuaded her, after all he wasn’t so very old, he wasn’t even forty-eight and there were plenty of marriages that went well in spite of that, very old men and very young women, or the other way round, it didn’t matter in the least. And now she wanted to be left in peace, she didn’t want any questions. Signora Maria tried to say that there was also the question of the drinking. But Concettina said that Signora Maria had a fixed idea on the question of the drinking, after all Cenzo Rena didn’t drink so very much. On the contrary Signora Maria ought to be pleased with Cenzo Rena who had money, she had always so much liked people who had money, she never stopped moaning about the money the old lady had had almost a century before. And furthermore they would have to pay more attention to Anna, no one had ever bothered to find out anything about Anna, what her life was like and what she thought. Goodness knows what Signora Maria did all day long, messing about making dresses out of old curtains. Signora Maria gazed at Concettina with troubled eyes, she could not understand why all at once Concettina had become so unkind to her. She said Anna was a quiet girl, there was no need to pay so very much attention to her, she was not like Concettina who as a girl had always had so many fiancés, she used to change them every week, and Danilo always standing at the gate. Anna had no fiancés, she just went out occasionally with Giuma, who was a well-brought-up boy of good family and they had known each other ever since they were children. Concettina moved her chin to signify agreement, very hurriedly and frowning at the same time. And that day she had allowed her to go out with Cenzo Rena so that he might buy her a watch, said Signora Maria, and he had not bought the watch and perhaps he had made her fall in love with him in some unaccountable way, he was a man in whom there was nothing to fall in love with, she had not believed any harm could come of it, she begged Concettina to tell her if there had been any harm in it. No, said Concettina, no. She had finished smoking and she stubbed out her cigarette-end furiously in the ash-tray, and then begged Emilio to stop trying to mend the table, they were full of little tables at Le Visciole and that one could well be thrown into the fire.

  Anna and Cenzo Rena were married two weeks later, Signora Maria asked how she could possibly get married like that without any trousseau but Cenzo Rena said they would buy the trousseau on the way home, a little bit here and a little bit there. Signora Maria was in despair at the thought of what they would buy, and besides, she said they were in mourning and they ought to have waited at least a year before they got married, but nobody paid any attention to her. Cenzo Rena and Anna were married in the little village church early one morning, and the witnesses were Emilio and the doctor with the hair like chickens’ feathers, it was early but all the Humbugs’ daughters had come to the church to watch. And then Cenzo Rena and Anna got into the car and left for that famous village of Cenzo Rena’s, but at the last moment Cenzo Rena decided to take the dog with him, because it seemed to him that it looked very unhappy when he said good-bye to it. Anna turned her head to take one last look at Le Visciole, and at Concettina and Signora Maria and Giustino at the gate, and then everything disappeared in a cloud of dust, and the three who were standing at the gate could no longer see the little grey car darting away in the dust, they could only hear the barking of the dog in the distance, perhaps it would bark like that during the whole of the journey, because it did not like going in a car and was frightened. Giustino was disappointed that they had taken away the dog, he had grown used to preparing its dinner every day and taking it down to splash about in the river, and he was offended with Cenzo Rena for having taken away the dog without even asking his leave, and he was annoyed with Cenzo Rena and Anna for getting married, it was a thing that could not be understood, a thing without any sense in it. He had expected Cenzo Rena to explain to him why he was getting married, but Cenzo Rena had almost forgotten to speak to him, and yet once they had been friends, they used to go together and dance with the Humbugs’ daughters, and besides, Giustino had written him a great many letters, in which he told him a great many things about himself. He did not at all like to think of Cenzo Rena and Anna being married, of their living together far away in that famous village, Cenzo Rena had said to him that he must come and see them some time or other but maybe he would not go. When the summer was over he would go back to the town and would live alone with Signora Maria, and in the town was Ippolito’s seat, and the road by the river and the soap factory. Giustino sometimes thought he would like to go to the war, he would not mind shooting when everyone else was shooting, it would at any rate be better than staying at home with Signora Maria, with the road by the river and the tall, thin girl. He had stopped writing to the tall, thin girl even when it rained, the tall, thin girl was at the seaside and had sent him a photograph of herself in a bathing-costume, he had stopped writing to her because he thought she was too thin.

  PART TWO

  CENZO RENA’s village was called Borgo San Costanzo. Once there had been a train to it, but not since the beginning of the war. Now the rails lay rusting in the lush, thick grass along the river, and the house which had been the station-master’s house had for some months been turned into a dance-hall, but then had come an order forbidding dancing because of the war. Now the station-master’s house was nothing at all, its windows were smashed and its doors broken down and old men who had nowhere to sleep came and slept there, and they hung up their ragged trousers on the wooden fence, amongst dried and falle
n sunflowers. The grass was lush and thick only along the banks of the river, as it rose up the slopes of the hills it became shaggy and scorched, and the hills on the west side had on them neither houses nor trees, on those to the east, on the other hand, could be seen wind-lashed vineyards amongst sandy paths and rocks, and higher up there were small, rugged pines, and where the pines began was Cenzo Rena’s house, hanging over a tumbled mass of rocks.

  The village was cut in half by the road, and along the road passed the bus twice a day, swaying beneath a load of people who had climbed on the running-boards and on the roof. The bus stopped for a few minutes in the village square, the mail-bag was flung out of the window, and then the bus went on, swaying along the sandy road. In the square grew four small trees, with clipped, round heads, and there, too, the old Marchesa’s carriage always stood, with the coachman on guard chasing away with his whip the boys who tried to climb up into it. From time to time the Marchesa would come down to go for a drive, and then the little carriage with its canvas awning would go bowling up and down the street, with the Marchesa’s black feather boa fluttering in the air. The Marchesa’s palace was hemmed in amongst narrow lanes and little streams of water, amongst crooked, smoky houses and pigsties, and it had a great doorway with double doors of bronze and blue friezes painted on its façade, and in the courtyard stood an oak-tree full of birds.