For my heart.
He’s vulnerable, I’m vulnerable. It’s not a good combination.
I open my mouth to speak, but his index finger covers it. “Shh. Let me say something. As hard as I’ve tried, I can’t stay away from you. And trust me, I know I should.”
His voice comes out in a guarded whisper. Like the softer he says it the less meaning it might have. I take no offense to his words, but look straight into his eyes, their color lost in the darkness. “I think you need to try harder.”
“Even when you’re not here,” he says, his free hand referencing our closeness, “You’re here.” His hand now points to his head. “And here.” His hand points toward his heart before dropping to his side. I see his fist clench and unclench.
“I hear your voice, I see your face,” he continues. “I even imagine I smell your beautiful hair. I find every excuse to see you. To be near you. How do you make something like that go away?”
With heart and mind swirling I take a step back, then another. My back is against a tree, and I settle into it. He moves closer, his fingers still holding mine. He braces his other hand against the tree. All my worldly experiences have not prepared me for Levi. For his honesty, his vulnerability.
His kiss.
He leans into me. His fingers tighten as our lips meet. Sweetness explodes in the warmth and gentleness of his kiss. My hand reaches for him, caressing his neck, pulling him closer. I have craved this.
His lips leave mine to trail little amazing kisses along my cheek to the top of my ear. I want to sink to the ground as they find their way to my neck. Soft and amazing, like nothing I’ve ever felt before. The forest and the night need to fall on us, leaving us here forever. Never to tell the world where we are.
His lips travel up my neck, and his kisses stop close to my ear.
“This is why I have to stay away from you. I lose my focus,” I whisper.
In an amazing way his voice is as soft as his kisses. “I know I’m selfish, and it’s not possible, but I want to be your focus.”
He kisses the top of my head before letting go of my hand and backing up a respectable distance. I don’t want to look at him for his eyes seem to draw me to him. To his world. To his kisses. To everything I’m not and will never be.
“Sam, my custody hearing. That has to be my focus.” Visions of Coleman and his threats regarding Levi come back full force into my mind.
Moments pass. I know I’m trying to breathe normally. I don’t know what’s going on inside his head. Heart.
“We’ll be surrounded by people at Bible school,” he says, as if thinking out loud.
I want to be around Levi. “Sam will always be with us,” I add.
“True.”
“If I agree to do this, we can’t kiss. We can’t even be alone.” I’ll have to keep my perspective and squelch any delusions. It is what it is for the moments that we have left here in Lawson’s Ledge. After this week, Sam and I will be on our way to California, and Levi will eventually be back in Texas.
“I’ll try.”
“You have to do better than try.”
“I’ll do whatever you ask me to do.”
I didn’t know what I expected him to say, but I didn’t really expect him to agree with me that quickly. “Okay. And I want to thank you for telling me your story. It’s inspiring.”
“Very few people know the whole story.”
“And you choose to tell the girl whose sister wrote a tell-all book?”
He chuckles. “I wasn’t thinking, apparently. But I wanted you to know. It was important that you knew. You are important to me.”
His serious tone tells me how important. “I’ll guard your past with my heart.”
He motions for me to come to him. “Come on, we better head back before your mother sends the state patrol looking for us.”
We walk side by side, the moon barely lighting the path. We are very careful not to touch. It’s kind of funny, really. This attraction I’ve written and sung about for years is happening in a big way, and I can’t even enjoy it.
Bummer.
Chapter Sixteen
“This is Rachael Standridge. She is heading up this week. You can ask her about anything. She’s a wealth of info.”
I hold tight to Sam’s hand as Levi introduces me to Rachael. “Hi, Rachael. Nice to see you again. This is my son, Sam.”
“Nice to finally meet you, Sam. It’s so good seeing you here, Summer. This is so exciting.”
“You two know each other?” Levi asks.
She may be excited, but I’m wary. Do Rachael and Levi have something going on? “I’ve bought clothes from her dress shop.”
During the introductions we meet her daughter, Faith. Her gorgeous blond curls and pretty smile make for a pretty little girl.
“And this,” Rachael says, “is Pamela. Her mother had to go out of town this week on a business trip, so she’s staying with us.”
“Hi, Pamela.”
The little girl with the brown pigtails tied with fancy lavender bows keeps her gaze down. She’s probably shy. Sam certainly isn’t talking to anyone. He’s used to being around other adults. Nannies, drivers, housekeepers, they have nothing on Sam, but when it comes to other kids, I see where I haven’t been too much on the ball. This week might be good for him.
I can’t let myself think about the terrible fight Mother and I had regarding this whole thing. She was furious when we left. I hope she has calmed down by the time we get home. At least I know she’ll be nice until Sam goes to bed. Mother does keep her cool when Sam’s around.
Rachael explains how the evening is going to work. We’ll have one group of kids for forty-five minutes. Then another group for the same amount of time. Levi has all the music and words. We both have our guitars. By the end of the week, we’ll have these kids singing loud, and they are going to perform for the church on Friday night.
I am glad Levi suggested we come early. I was able to fill out all the paperwork for Sam since I hadn’t registered him earlier. Sam is going to be in the group that we meet with second.
I’m a little anxious as Sam and I follow Rachael to Sam’s class. He’s holding my hand with a very strong grip. But he doesn’t make a fuss as I tell him this is where his class is and I would be right downstairs. I plant a quick kiss on his cheek and leave.
The room downstairs is really big. Levi has it all set up. My guitar is even in its stand.
“We’ve got about fifteen minutes. Let’s go over these songs real quick.”
I love how he just goes about this. I wonder what he thinks about when he sees me. I know what I think about when I see him. And it isn’t Bible School music.
I keep my eyes focused everywhere but his lips. I avoid looking at them as we play, sing, talk. His eyes tell me he knows I’m acting weird, but that’s okay. I’ll do what I have to do.
“I feel like I need to just be in the background tonight. Kind of a watch and see thing. You so know what you’re doing, and I don’t. Maybe tomorrow night I’ll be more into the pattern.”
Levi gives me one of his looks. And by that look I know I’m not going to like what he’s about to say.
But really, do I even hear him speak? Or am I focused on his gray T which is tucked into his jeans which of course fit perfectly. I still can’t figure out how Levi makes black high-top tennies look sexy.
See, this is so not my environment. I hang my head, hoping Levi doesn’t read my face. Doesn’t read how I’m thinking about him. I don’t belong here. I can’t change the way I think, and at times I seem to have a one track mind.
“You can hide tonight if you want. Whatever makes you comfortable.”
There is no comfort in his words. They are meant to make me uncomfortable. I know his strategy by now. He thinks he can challenge me with his words. I’m surprised he still does this seeing as how I never take the bait. I mean you say hide, I’m hiding. What does he think I’ve been doing all my life?
So hide I wil
l.
The first group of kids comes in. There are twelve of them. Boys and girls ranging from ages seven to twelve. For the most part, they are well behaved.
One girl raises her hand after they finish singing the second song.
“Yes?” Levi asks.
“Don’t you sing on the radio?”
She’s looking directly at me. “Yes, I do. So does Levi.” I point to Levi.
“You make videos, right?”
Ooh, boy. This is getting uncomfortable. No eleven or twelve-year-old should be watching Summer Sinclair videos.
Ever.
“We’re going on to the next song,” Levi says.
My heart hurts as I follow Levi’s lead to ignore the video question. The realization swarms over me that I’ll never fit into this type of atmosphere. I’ve done too much damage in all aspects of my life. They could paper these walls in provocative photos of me. I want to leave, but I won’t. I’m not sure I’m coming back tomorrow though.
Maybe Rachael is a better match for Levi.
“Mommy, can I have some ice cream before I go to bed?”
I finish strapping Sam in his car seat. “Since you were so good tonight, I don’t see why not. But we’ll have to stop at the store. You ate the last of the Rocky Road last night.”
I gently tap Sam’s nose then kiss his forehead. His baby-shampooed hair scent surrounds me. Such a sweet smell. Comforting.
“I’ll get the ice cream.”
I know Levi is standing behind me, so his voice doesn’t surprise me. “You don’t have to.”
“I know I don’t have to. I want to.”
Well, I want to kiss you but I’m not.
Oh. Those thoughts again. Where are the God thoughts? Those I was beginning to handle. These I can’t.
“His favorite is Rocky Road.”
“So I gathered.”
I shut the car door. All that is Levi is right there. He’s everywhere. And in two weeks when I’m in California, he won’t be around. Can I get used to that?
“What’s your favorite?” he asks.
“I like them all.”
“Cardboard, huh?”
I open my mouth then shut it. I open it again, my thoughts calmer. The response I give is very neutral. “Thanks for getting the ice cream.”
“No problem. I’ll honk when I pull in the drive so you can come out and get it. That way I don’t have to see Anne.”
He cracks me up the way he says “Anne.” Like it’s a bad word. “Okay.” I smile. Levi does have his moments.
“Just kidding. I’ll deliver it to the front door.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
When I get home I take Sam out of his car seat. We walk into the house, and I immediately look for my mother. I need to tell her Levi is coming. Maybe she’ll retreat. “Mother.”
“In here,” she calls out.
I follow her voice into her room. She’s sitting at the desk with pen and paper. She seems to be contemplating.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“I’m making a list.”
“List for what?”
“I’m trying to get used to this idea of what you want for a life, so I thought I’d revamp the criteria for a nanny. I understand you want to spend more time with Sam, so we’ll incorporate that into our search. Maybe they can have three days off instead of one.”
This is much worse than I thought. She just doesn’t get it. “I don’t want a nanny. At all. Period. The end.”
She doesn’t quit writing. She just speaks. “I know that’s what you think, but trust me on this. When we’re back in California, where the house is twenty times bigger, the pool is right there, the servants are going from this room to that, you’re going to change your mind. It will become too much, and something will need to give.”
Her head is bent over the paper. Her frame looks small and fragile, deceiving. She’s got more fire and spit in her than a mad cow. Really. I do love her. Honestly. But sometimes she drives me crazy. “Mother, I appreciate your willingness to help. I do. But I think this can wait. Let’s get back to California and see how it goes.”
“It won’t hurt to have it at the ready, will it?”
“No, Mother. It won’t. But don’t spend too much time on it, okay?”
“I’m almost finished.”
“Levi’s bringing ice cream.” I turn to walk out.
“That boy is no good for you.”
I keep walking. Levi is no boy. Sam is a boy. Levi is a man. Whoo. What a man. Why does he keep occupying my thoughts? He’s just a guy who’s going to be out of my life in less than two weeks. I need to remember that.
“Mommy, Levi’s here with the ice cream.” Sam turns away from the window and starts jumping up and down.
I open the door before Levi can knock. “Hi. Come on in.”
He walks in, his gaze scanning the room.
“Safe for the moment.” I nod toward the back of the house.
“Are you going to stay and eat ice cream with us?” Sam asks.
I’m not sure how I want Levi to answer. I’m safe enough here in the house with Mother and Sam around. No way am I going to lose control in this environment. But my mind dwells on him enough when he’s not around, so will his presence relieve or increase this dwelling habit?
“If your mom doesn’t care, I’ll stay.”
“Mommy wants you to stay.” Sam smiles at me. “Don’t you, Mommy?”
My son is certainly perceptive. “Sure. Levi can stay.”
We all head to the kitchen. I grab the bowls, and Levi scoops the Rocky Road into them. I purposely don’t call my mother. This house is small; she knows Levi is here. If she wants to come out, she will.
I hope she won’t.
Levi helps me rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher.
“Let’s play go fish,” Sam says.
“Honey, it’s kind of late.” Eating ice cream, playing cards. It screams family-night fun. Just what I don’t need to get used to.
“One game? Please?”
Can one game of cards hurt? “Just one. Then it’s time for bed.”
“Levi, will you play too?”
I notice the hesitance in Levi as he puts the last dish into the dishwasher.
My eyes meet his, and I cave. “I’m sure Levi could stay for one game.”
“Sure, Sam. I’ll stay.”
Minutes later we are back at the kitchen table, cards in hand and a pool of them on the table between us. I can’t concentrate for thinking about Levi and Bible school and what I’m doing right now in my life. I have never lived like this. So routine. So normal.
Normal. There you go, Coleman. I’m acting normal. Ha!
“Mommy, you just told Levi you didn’t have a two. Why are you asking me if I have one? Did you lie to Levi?”
Did Levi ask me if I had a two? I am so not paying attention.
“Your mom has a lot on her mind, Sam. I don’t think she lied on purpose.”
Sam scrunches his little face. “Anne says sometimes we have to lie to get what we want.”
I sit back, stunned at Sam’s statement, while Levi looks a little confused.
“Anne’s not always right.” My mind races ahead as to how I will confront my mother with her latest stunt.
“Lying will normally get you into more trouble,” Levi adds.
“Since when do you give my grandson moral advice?”
My mother’s voice intrudes on our friendly game of go fish.
I lay my cards face down on the table. “Since you told him it’s okay to lie, Mother. Why did you do that?”
She’s standing behind Levi, with her arms crossed. A complete scowl covers her face. I can see the wrinkles forming as I sit here.
“I told him it’s okay sometimes. When circumstances require it.”
“Well, I don’t think that’s the thing to teach him.”
“I haven’t had much help teaching him anything these past four years. So I’ve done
the best I could. It’s not my fault you’ve decided to become Suzy Homemaker in these last few months. We all need to adjust. You included.”
“I’m trying, Mother.”
“Trying to keep him out of the hospital, you mean.”
“Summer is an excellent mother.”
My heart lurches at Levi’s support.
Mother raises her hands high in the air. “And we all believe it because it’s coming straight from the God guy’s mouth. Ooh. I’m a believer.”
With her diss delivered she leaves the room.
“Don’t.” I lay my hand on Levi’s arm. I know he’s getting ready to walk. “Please stay and finish the game. She’s gone.”
We continue our game. It ends pretty quickly, Sam the winner, of course.
“Hanging with the little dude was fun. I can’t say the same about your mother though,” Levi says as I walk him to the door.
“I’m sorry. I’m going to handle her.”
“Handle her on Sam’s account. Not mine.”
“I’m handling both accounts.”
“I know you can do it.”
He’s standing at the door. I make sure I keep my distance. “We’ll be at the church at five-thirty to help set up. I’ll go over the songs after I put Sam to bed.”
He cocks his head, his deep brown eyes calling me to him. “A good night kiss would look great on you right about now.”
And oh, I’m tempted.
“Mommy.” Sam comes running into the living room.
I step back from Levi emotionally and physically. I scoop Sam into my arms.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say to Levi.
“Tomorrow it is,” he says.
I hear him whistling as he jogs down the steps.
Smiling, I carry Sam upstairs.
I’m filled with love as I put Sam to bed. Love for my son, love for the chance I’ve been given. I don’t even think about my mother as Sam and I read a story. His eyes shut before the last page. I kiss his forehead and make sure he’s tucked under the covers before I leave his room.
I peek in my mother’s room, and she’s not in there. I go to the next logical choice. Just as I thought. Mother is up to her neck in bubbles in my bath tub. I’m very grateful for the bubbles.
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