Defining Moments

by Andee Michelle

  “Mal’s death was very hard on Cord, but he’d lost her years before. They had been living a shell of a life, in a house she refused to leave. He will never admit it, but his depression was due to his inability to fix her. Not all of his anger and aftermath was because of her death. I know he feels guilty about that and will never admit it, but the Maloree he loved died the night those boys raped her.”

  The three of us are standing together, holding on like we’re each other’s lifelines. When the door to Angelica’s office slams open, we all freeze.

  “Well, I think that’ll be enough gossiping for the day,” Cord interrupts, sounding furious. “Ellie, I assume you came to give your two weeks’ notice. I’ll accept that. I appreciate you coming down to do it in person, and now you can leave.”

  “Cord, don’t do this,” Angelica cries. “If you heard what we were discussing, you know what we said is the truth. Ellie has a right to know if there is any hope for you two.”

  “No,” Cord roars. “What I do know, dear sister, is that you and Bishop have no right to discuss my relationship with Maloree with a stranger, especially one lying to herself about still being hung up on her ex-husband.” He directs his wild eyes to mine, before yelling, “Ellie, GO!” I see the fierceness in his eyes and know there is nothing I can say to fix this. He’s shutting me out completely.

  My heart pounds and the tears fall. I can see the veins in Cord’s neck swelling, and his face is bright red. He is beyond reasoning at this point, and this conversation needs to be between him and his siblings. Because he’s right, in the grand scheme of things, I’m just a stranger to them all.

  Without a word, I walk past Cord without meeting his eyes and walk straight out the door, shutting it gently behind me. I hear Angelica call my name, but I don’t turn back and pick up the pace.

  I’m in my car and pulling out of the parking lot when Bishop bursts through the back door, hollering something I can’t hear. The blood is rushing in my ears and I know I need to calm myself down. I drive a mile or so away and pull into a secluded parking lot.

  I don’t need two weeks to get ready to leave. I’m ready to go now. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack because of the stress in my life for Christ’s sake, and all this is the last thing I need. I have children who need me and I want to watch them get married and have babies. I want to roll around on the ground with my grandbabies and spoil them rotten. What I don’t need is this stress. What I need is to be a continent away from all of this drama . . . away from Cord and Justin and the worries that go along with both.

  I give myself a few minutes to settle before driving the rest of the way home. My phone has gone off at least a dozen times, but I’m too tired to care.

  The boys won’t be here for a few hours, so I decide to get started.

  Opening my email, I check the links the internship guy sent to me about places to stay when I get there. I find an extended-stay hotel that is decently priced and book my room for a two week period. That should give me enough time to find a more permanent place. Next, I book my flights. First stop will be my parents’ house in Philly for a few days. I need to see them, and it will get me out of here that much faster.

  I find a moving and storage facility that will come and pack everything in my apartment up and store it while I’m away. I schedule them to come in three days. I call my landlord and explain the situation, letting her know I will be leaving quickly. Because I only signed a six month lease and there is only one month left on it, she agrees to let me out of it early, thankfully. I let her know I’ll be out and the apartment will be cleaned by next week.

  By the time I get that done, there is only a half hour left before the boys come over, so I just order a couple of pizzas. I don’t have time to go to the store, and I don’t feel like cooking anyway. I lay down on the couch, hoping I can get in a quick nap before the boys show up. My phone has continued to buzz and chime, but I’ve ignored it.

  I don’t think I’m asleep long before the boys push through my door.

  “Hey, Ma!” Eli shouts as he comes in. “Oh shit, were you sleeping? Sorry,” he finishes with a whisper.

  “You okay? You look kind of pale,” Ben says, his voice full of worry.

  “I’m fine, boys, just a little tired.” I smile at him. “Pizza should be here shortly. You guys grab some drinks and come have a seat.”

  “Ooooookay,” Ben drawls out, looking confused.

  After they grab water bottles, they join me in the living room.

  “What’s going on, Mom?” Ben asks.

  “Let’s get Destry on FaceTime, and then I’ll tell you guys.”

  “I got it, Ma,” Eli says as he holds up his phone and I see Destry’s smiling face.

  “Well, I wanted to talk to you guys about an offer I got. Right when I was finishing up with school, a classmate of mine had mentioned there was this amazing new internship program that she was putting in for, and she suggested I put in for it too. I knew it was a million-to-one chance, but I put in for it anyway, and I didn’t think about it again until I got the letter of acceptance yesterday.” I stop the story to take a sip of water and watch their faces for reaction.

  “That’s awesome, Mom, but I thought you liked your job with Cord at Saint. Isn’t he going to be a little upset that you’re moving to a different restaurant, maybe even his competition?” Ben asks.

  “I do like my job at Saint, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, guys,” I explain. I see it in Destry’s face that he gets what I’m saying.

  “Where is this internship, Mom?” he asks calmly.

  Deep breath. “Rome,” I confess.

  “ROME?” shouts Ben. “As in Rome, Italy?”

  I nod and Ben and Destry’s eyes about bug out of their heads. Eli has stayed calm through all of this and the boys notice.

  “Aren’t you going to say anything, Eli?” Ben barks.

  “Nope. I was here when Mom got the letter. I told her she should go,” Eli says proudly.

  Both Ben and Destry look at Eli like he’s crazy, and then turn their attention back to me. Neither says anything for a minute or two. I think they’re trying to take it all in.

  “What do you think, Mom? Do you want to do this?” Destry asks me sweetly.

  “Yes. I do,” I tell them honestly. “I will miss you guys like crazy, but you’re grown men with lives of your own, and this is an opportunity I will never have again. I need your blessing on this. I can’t go if you boys don’t support my decision.”

  “Then go. We support you,” Ben insists as Destry nods in agreement.

  I hug the twins to me, loving how they have such big hearts and are supporting me in this. They’ve not been away from me for long periods of time before, so this will be new for them too.

  “I wish I could hug you right now too, Dez,” I tell him and kiss Eli’s phone.

  He smiles warmly and does the same.

  After a long few minutes, we all pull back, wiping at our eyes.

  I’m going to Rome.

  “When do you leave?” Eli asks.

  “Well, there’s no sense in waiting. My flight leaves this Sunday. I’m going to spend a couple days with Nana and Papa before I fly out of Philly on Wednesday.”

  “Holy shit, Mom. That’s in like five days,” Ben shouts.

  “I’m aware, son. But I start the program in two weeks and I still need to get there and get settled in before that. I’ve already made the arrangements. I just needed you guys to support me.”

  “What does Cord think about all of this?” Eli asks quietly.

  “I told him today. He’s fine with it,” I lie.

  “Really? Then why did he text me earlier and ask me to check on you?” Eli asks.

  “We didn’t really leave things on a good note, but it doesn’t matter, guys. I’m going.”

  There is a knock at the door and Ben jumps up to grab the pizza. We sit for a little while, just eating and chatting about what’s going on with school and
such. Destry is bummed he isn’t going to see me again before I leave, but he only has a couple weeks of classes left before he’ll be moving home, so he’s ready to get that over with. Eli admits he’s dating someone, but refuses to tell us who it is. He lights up when he talks about her, so we’re all surprised that maybe Eli has finally found someone he can be serious about.

  AFTER A LONG HOT shower, I climb into bed, noticing its only 9 p.m. I’m exhausted, so I figure I’ll read until I fall asleep.

  After dropping my Kindle on my face twice, I turn it off and try to go to sleep. Just as my eyes start to close, I hear my phone go off again. Deciding I might as well check it, I’m floored by all the text messages and phone calls I’ve missed in the past few hours.

  All but two are from Bishop and Sami, both concerned for my well-being. I feel bad I’ve been ignoring them all day. I don’t read all of their texts, but I read enough to know they are worried about me. I open a group text to them both.

  S&B: I appreciate your concern, but I’m just fine. Bish, I won’t be returning to Saint. I don’t have Angelica’s # or I’d text her. Can you have her mail my final check to my apartment please? I’ll have my forwarding address set up by then. Thank you guys for everything. <3

  I put the phone down on the nightstand and close my eyes.

  *chime*

  Sami: I need to see you before you leave. Can we get together this weekend?

  Me: Wish I could. I promise to call you once I’m settled in the new place.

  Bishop: You’re running. When do you leave?

  Sami: Bishop!

  Me: I’m not running, but there is no reason for me to stay.

  Bishop: When are you leaving, Ellie?

  Me: This weekend. I have to go. Goodnight, you two. I do really appreciate your concern, but I will be fine. Italy will be good for me.

  Sami: I’ll miss you. Take care and please call or email me when you get there so I know you’re okay.

  Bishop: He’ll pull his head out of his ass sooner or later, E.

  Me: He is an amazing man, and one day, he will find someone who will make him want to let her and his guilt go. Until then, promise me you’ll be there for him, Bish. He needs you to help him get to that point.

  Bishop: Always.

  I look to see who the other two messages are from and my heart nearly stops when I see they are from Cord.

  Cord: You will not need to work your last two weeks. I will have Angelica pay you accordingly.

  Ouch. Okay. I know he was mad and that text came just fifteen minutes after his blow up at Saint. The other one came in just an hour ago.

  Cord: I wish you great success in Italy.

  I know he’ll be able to see I’ve read the messages, but I refuse to respond. We need a clean break, and dragging it out by texting each other with niceties we don’t mean will just prolong the inevitable. Nope. I’m letting him go.

  THE NEXT FEW DAYS fly by. I’d figured it would be hard to avoid Cord before I left since he lives next door, but I haven’t seen any of his vehicles or him since the day at Saint. He has not tried to contact me again since his last text about wishing me success in Italy.

  The last morning in my apartment, I wake to an envelope that has been slid under my front door. It’s a Saint check, no note, signed by Cord, for an amount that includes the two weeks I didn’t work. Anger and determination like I’ve never felt courses through me. I don’t want his damn money. I tear the check in half, scribble “NO THANKS” on the outside of the envelope, and shove the pieces of the check back in it. Looking out into the parking lot and still not seeing any of his vehicles, I march over to his apartment. I slide the envelope back under his door and return to my apartment.

  Time to get out of here.

  The packing company comes a little later and helps me finish packing things into boxes, loads up everything I own, except for clothing, and hauls it away in a little moving van. Sad really.

  I take one last long look around my tiny apartment, the one that helped me accept my independence, before I lock the door and close it up for the last time. Bittersweet.

  When I’m pulling my car out of the parking lot, I see Cord’s Range Rover parked on the other side of the lot. I shake my head, letting the tears fall. He doesn’t want to see me, and even though I pretty much knew that, having confirmation of it digs the knife in a little bit deeper. Heading to my hotel, my home for the next two days, I try to think about anything and everything but the pain in my soul begging me to go talk to Cord.

  SATURDAY MORNING, I wake with a new-found energy. Tomorrow, I’m starting a new life journey, and for the first time, I’m 100 percent happy about my decision to go.

  I have a few last minute errands to run, which I get done pretty quickly. My last errand is to drop my car off at the shop that is going to store it, but I have one last thing to do before I do that. I drive to my old apartment complex and park in the back, right near the trailhead. I grab my camera and water bottle off the seat and head in. I don’t look back toward the apartments because I’m afraid my heart will win and I’ll run to Cord.

  I’m sure it’s not the greatest idea in the world to hike by yourself just a week after being hit by a car, but I really am feeling almost 100 percent again, minus the brace on my wrist, and I need to see my wildflower field before I leave. It doesn’t take me long to reach it, and when I do, I’m speechless. The wildflowers are all completely open and their colors are amazing. It’s like they know I needed them and are welcoming me.

  I walk out into the flowers and lay down, setting the camera beside me.

  Deep down in my soul, I know this trip is going to help me heal from Justin’s betrayal and Cord’s inability to let go of his past. I know Cord cares for me, but I also know he still blames himself for not being able to save Maloree, and even though he thinks he is ready to move on, he isn’t. He hasn’t forgiven himself for not being able to save her.

  I’m not even sure how long I lay there before I hear a twig snap and I jolt my body from the ground. I look around frantically, but don’t see anything or anyone. I gather up my camera, snapping a few pictures of the beautiful blooms, before grabbing my water bottle and heading back down the trail. Just as I’m about to lose sight of the field, I turn and whisper, “I’ll see you again.” I don’t know what it is about this beautiful place, but it will forever be part of my soul.

  Dinner with Ben, Eli, and Claire goes well, and I cry way more than I want too. Being away from my boys is going to kill me, and Claire is my best friend. She thinks I’m kidding when I say I’ll be calling her at 3 a.m. to chat. Every time someone comes in the front door of the restaurant, my eyes jump to the door.

  “He’s not coming, Ellie,” Claire says gently beside me.

  “I know,” I tell her truthfully.

  “Just so you know, I did invite him, thinking maybe you two could talk before you leave,” she confesses in a whisper. “He said he had plans already.”

  I nod and change the subject because I feel the tears coming and barely manage to choke them down. He really is letting me go without another word.

  We finish up our dinner and say our final goodbyes. I promise to text them when I get to my parents’ house so they don’t worry. The twins drop me off at the hotel and I squeeze them one last time.

  Right before I turn the light off to try to sleep, my phone chimes and my heart jumps into my throat.

  Justin: How could you not tell me you were moving to Italy, Ell?

  And once again, I’m disappointed in myself because I’m still holding onto hope Cord will throw me a bone. This is the first time that Justin has contacted me since I threw my relationship with Cord in his face.

  Me: Oh, my bad. I’M MOVING TO ITALY! :) Goodbye, Justin. Have a nice life. Or don’t. Whatever.

  I chuckle to myself, turn my phone to silent, then roll over and cry myself to sleep.

  I WAKE TO A BUZZING sound and slapped my hand on top of it to kill it.

  So early
.

  Rolling from the hotel bed, I drag myself into the shower, which I make lukewarm to help wake me up.

  As I’m finishing my makeup, my phone buzzes again.

  Justin: Please don’t go. We really need to talk.

  I don’t respond.

  Grabbing my bags and heading to the cab, my phone buzzes in my pocket, but I ignore it. I’m done talking to Justin. I made a mistake responding to him to him last night.

  Once I get to the airport, I check my bags, pay the astronomical fee, and head over to security. There is a lovely coffee shop that has the most delicious scones ever made, and I can smell them before I’m even all the way through security.

  I order a yummy coffee and blueberry scone before making my way over to a nearby sofa to enjoy my breakfast before my flight. I pull out my Kindle and start reading the new murder-mystery book I just bought. I’ve decided I’m done with the romantic bullshit for now. Maybe someday I’ll believe in the beautiful love stories that always end in happily ever after, but after the beating my heart has taken from Justin and Cord, I think I’ll just keep it to myself for as long as possible.

  When I hear them call my flight for pre-board, I toss my trash and head in that direction.

  Here we go!

  Once on the plane, I stow my carry-on, and pull my phone out to put it on airplane mode, but my heart drops into my toes when I see Cord’s name. I debate for a split second on whether I want to even look at it. My damn heart wins.

  Cord: What hotel are you staying at? I have something I need to say to you before you leave.

  I almost laugh. He’s had five days to talk to me. He’s had multiple opportunities, including my goodbye dinner last night, and now he wants to tell me something. Nope.