Defining Moments

by Andee Michelle

  I hear his footsteps coming, but I don’t hear them slow down as he gets closer and I whip my eyes up to meet his and immediately start backing away from him. Whatever that look on his face is, he’s definitely determined.

  Before I even have a chance to acknowledge him, I’m off the ground and in his arms, his face buried in my neck as he hugs the life out of me. I can’t breathe, he’s holding on so tight.

  “Cord,” I choke out, tapping his shoulder. I hear Claire laughing as she walks toward Tyler.

  “We’ll go ahead and start getting things out of the truck. You two take your time,” she tells us.

  The fact he hasn’t completely let go of me, only loosened his hold, makes me nervous. I was not prepared for this reaction from him. I’m happy this isn’t going to be a fight, but I really did not expect to be in his arms the first time we spoke. He takes a deep breath in like he’s inhaling for the last time, and whispers, “Don’t think I didn’t see you run from me at the store, Eleanor.”

  I relax into his embrace, my body reacting to the pull it has always felt for him. He holds on to me like he’s afraid I’ll bolt the moment he lets me go.

  “It was Angelica,” he murmurs into my ear, loosening his hold on me and setting me back on my feet, but grabbing my hand and holding on.

  “What?” I ask, confused, my eyes meeting his.

  “Angelica answered my phone. I was extremely drunk and she was scared to leave me alone, so she stayed the night. We passed out in my living room after she listened to me blab half the night about how bad I had fucked things up with you.” There are no words to explain what an absolute asshole I feel like right now.

  I feel the tears fill my eyes, but Cord shakes his head. “None of that,” he mumbles before wiping his thumbs under my eyes and cupping my face with his hands. “This is not the time nor place for this discussion, baby, but we will be discussing it when this wedding is over. I just needed you to know I didn’t cheat on you, because I know that’s what you thought. We’ll talk about the rest later.”

  He doesn’t even give me a chance to respond before he grabs my hand and pulls me toward the gazebo where Claire and Tyler are bowing their heads together acting like they are doing something other than gossiping about what is going on between me and Cord. It’s almost comical the way they jump back from each other as we approach.

  “Let’s get to decorating,” Cord booms, letting go of my hand and heading toward the box labeled “twinkle lights.”

  I’m not sure how long I stand motionless watching him before Claire breaks my thoughts.

  “Are you okay? I knew he had planned to talk to you, but I didn’t realize he was going to barrel into you like a freight train. What’d he say?” Claire asks.

  I just shake my head, not ready to discuss it. She notices my avoidance and reaches over to squeeze my hand. “Later,” she adds.

  For the next few hours, we all concentrate on decorating and do what needs to be done. Cord hasn’t said anything else to me, but I catch him looking at me every now and then, and when my eyes meet his, he gives me a small smile before continuing with what he’s doing.

  With all the busy work, I’ve had a chance to really think about his reaction to me being here. He hugged me tightly, called me baby, and held my hand; but he has a “plus one” for the wedding, so I had assumed he had a girlfriend. Maybe he does have a girlfriend and just wants to make amends because Tyler is a good friend to him now and he wants things to be cordial when we have to be around each other. Maybe he just needs to talk through everything so he can move on with his girlfriend. We were friends before we decided to try a relationship—a relationship that didn’t get very far. Maybe he just wants to rekindle our friendship. My thoughts are all over the damn place.

  “Stop over thinking it, E. I see the wheels spinning,” Cord chuckles as he walks toward me. “After the wedding tomorrow, you and I have a date for a very serious conversation. Don’t run from me.” I nod and continue trying to put together the big paper lanterns so the guys can hang them from the posts of the ceiling.

  The rest of the afternoon goes off without a hitch, and when we’re done, Cord tells us all he has more errands to run and will see us all tomorrow. Then he’s gone and I’m left with the same thoughts as before. Cord and my conversation tomorrow will be the only thing I can think of until it happens.

  Tomorrow night cannot come soon enough.

  MY EYES MEET Cord’s as I make my way down the aisle to where the pastor waits. The first thing that registers is the chair next to him is empty, making my heart skip. He came alone. He notices my eyes swing to the empty chair, and he smirks before shaking his head slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. When he licks his lips, my eyes drop to his mouth, and he mouths, “Sami.” His plus one was Sami, which makes me smile, and then my stomach drops because she’s not here. I hope she’s okay. I know she’s due any day, so maybe she went into labor.

  The ceremony is beautiful and I can’t stop the tears that flow when the pastor pronounces Claire and Tyler husband and wife. They both look over-the-moon happy, and I couldn’t be happier for them if I tried. I think, since both of them waited to marry until later in life, they knew what they wanted in a partner, and I have no doubt they’ll be celebrating many anniversaries during their lifetime together.

  The newlyweds make their way back down the aisle, the wedding party following quickly behind them. I’m ready to get the pictures done so I can get out of this dress. It’s beautiful but uncomfortable, and I’m ready to kick back and enjoy the reception. My boys all look so damn handsome in their suits. I’ll have to remember to tell them later when I get time to chat with them. Sara didn’t get to come with Eli because she had to work and, of course, my Eli didn’t ask her to come until just a few days ago. She does, however, have tomorrow off and is able to come to the family dinner I’m planning. I’m excited to sit and chat with her. She seemed like a nice girl when she took care of me in the hospital.

  Pictures go off without a hitch, and before I know it, I’m in my comfortable sundress, hair pulled up, enjoying the evening beside my kids and best friend. What a perfect night. The reception is just as beautiful. I haven’t seen much of Cord, and believe me, I’ve been watching for him.

  I’m standing at the bar, waiting for the bartender to pour me a glass of wine, when I feel a hand on my lower back, making my body tense at the touch.

  “Dance with me, E,” pleads Cord, his lips so close to my ear that I can feel his breath. I take the glass of wine from the bartender and thank him, turning to Cord.

  He takes the glass and holds onto my hand as he walks us back to my table, where he puts my wine glass down and slowly ushers me to the dance floor with the hand on my back.

  When he wraps his arms around me and pulls me to him, I take a deep breath and lay my head on his chest, hearing his heart beating wildly. He lays his cheek on the top of my head and pulls me tight against him. We dance, barely moving, but I just need to enjoy this moment. I’m not sure how our talk will go later, and I just want to savor this moment in case it’s the last time I’m in Cord’s arms.

  “Is Sami okay?” I ask him, truly concerned.

  He chuckles, “Yeah. She’s just big and tired and so ready to have that little man.” I nod, remembering that feeling well.

  The song ends sooner than I’m ready for it to, and when Cord steps back, I stumble a bit. He places his hands on my hips to steady me and the look in his eyes says what I’m thinking. He’s not ready to let go, but the DJ announces its time for the lovely couple to depart and the guests to start wrapping things up.

  “Are you driving back to the city tonight or are you staying in one of the little cabins?” he asks while pointing toward the cabins nestled into the trees.

  “I’m driving back tonight,” I reply, my throat instantly dry. I walk toward the wine sitting on my table and lift is slowly to my lips. Cord is watching me intently, and it makes me even more nervous.

  He doesn’t
say another word as we hug Tyler and Claire and say our goodbyes to everyone. I’m assuming he is walking me to my car, but when we get there, he puts his hand on the door to keep me from opening it.

  “Come home with me, E,” he says from behind me. “I’ve been dying to talk to you, and I just don’t know if I can go another day without us resolving this.”

  As tired as I am from this extremely busy day, I agree. We do need to get this conversation over with because I’m not sure my brain can take another day of not knowing how this will play out.

  “Okay,” I reply shyly. He gets into the passenger side of my car and I look at him funny.

  “I’ll come get my car tomorrow. It’ll be fine in the parking lot,” he tells me without me having to ask.

  The ride to Cord’s house is quiet, but it only takes a few minutes to get there. When I pull in front of the house, Cord jumps out and comes to my side to open my door for me. He helps me from the car and puts his hand on my back, leading me toward the front steps.

  He gives me the grand tour of his home, which happens to be one of the most amazing places I’ve ever seen. When we make it back to the main level, he walks me into the living room with the amazing windows. He goes to the kitchen and comes back with two bottles of water, handing me one as he sets his on the coffee table.

  “So, how was Italy?” he asks with mischief in his eyes.

  “It was great. Beautiful. I learned so much from the home cooks I was able to work with. I hope to be able to use some of the amazing recipes wherever I end up working,” I reply.

  He doesn’t say anything for a second, and when he opens his mouth to reply, I interrupt. “How have you been, Cord? I mean, really been?”

  He watches me closely as he thinks about how to respond. “Well, I’ve learned a lot since you left and feel like I’m in a better place today than I was seven or eight months ago. I’ve grown a lot.”

  We both sit quietly for a few minutes, taking sips of our waters to avoid the awkwardness. After a few minutes of us just sitting and staring out the big windows, I finally can’t take it anymore.

  “Look, Cord, I’m going to be completely honest with you here. I was a mess when I left for Italy. I’m not going to pretend like I’m not fully aware of that. I thought I had dealt with Justin’s betrayal, but I hadn’t. I’d just pushed it far enough down that I could avoid it. I was avoiding looking at myself as part of the problem. I wanted to be able to blame it all on him, and the truth is, I know now that my marriage was over far before I found out what a bastard Justin was. I wanted to make myself believe I was strong and I was going to be this awesome, independent woman, but the truth is, I was just trying to psych myself up after being betrayed and afraid to be alone. It took me being in Italy for several months before I realized the feelings I was having for you scared the shit out of me like I’d never been scared before. It also made me realize, the moment I had the opportunity, I ran. If I’d been a stronger person, I would have confronted you head-on about the blow up at Saint that day, but instead, I hid and avoided. Then when Angelica answered your phone, it gave me yet another reason to push you away. Saving me from pain down the line, or so I thought,” I rant, stopping momentarily to chug half the bottle of water.

  Cord grabs my hands, bringing one to his lips, kissing it gently. I start to speak, but he pulls me forward and presses his lips to mine, silencing me.

  When he pulls back, it’s just enough that our foreheads are still pressed together and he takes a deep breath before he begins.

  “Ellie, we both made a lot of mistakes during that time. I shouldn’t have gotten upset because you threw our relationship in Justin’s face. I know you only did it to piss him off, not to upset me. I also shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you about the things Bishop and Angelica said to you, because they were 100 percent correct, and I knew it even then. I just wasn’t ready for you to be sucked into that part of my life. We’d just really started opening up to each other, and I wasn’t ready to let you into that part of the crazy shit Maloree put us through. I didn’t want you to think badly of her or me,” he explains. “I would’ve eventually told you, but I was so pissed at Bishop and Angelica for going behind my back and talking to you about it, I flipped out when I overheard them. I obviously handled that badly.”

  Cord pulls me to him and I go willingly, ending up in his lap with his arms around me and his face in my hair.

  “I’m so sorry, Ellie. You can’t know how sorry I am I pushed you away. I’ve spent the last seven months dealing with my shit, so when you returned, maybe you’d give me the chance to explain and fix it,” he pleads, my heart stopping.

  I pull back and look at his face. Is he asking me to try again?

  “I need to tell you something,” I confess, his arms instantly loosen and let me pull back from him. “I’ve never told anyone this before, not even Claire.” Deep breath. “When Justin told me he wanted to move out and basically ‘sow his oats,’ he told me he needed more, that basically I wasn’t good enough to make him happy.”

  Breathe.

  “When I sent the email to you to see how you were doing and you lashed out and said you needed more, I completely shut down,” I tell him honestly, and I can see in his face he is going to try to explain, so I continue quickly. “I know now that you were just upset with me, but that was when I knew I had to learn to love myself again. That I needed to let go of the pain and learn to be okay with who I am, without the approval of any man. I’d had two men in less than a year tell me that they needed more than I was giving them, and it broke me even more because I was weak already. I believed it. I even got to a point so low that I just knew I wasn’t enough for anyone except the people who had to love me because they were my family. It took me months to realize I am enough just the way I am, and if someone can’t love me or want me for who I am, I deserve better. I learned to love who I am, and to accept that I will never be perfect, but that I am okay with that.”

  He grabs my face and brings me close to him again. “Ellie, you’re too good for all of us. You’re beautiful, kind, and honest, and the most genuine person I’ve ever met. It guts me to know I made you feel that way. You deserve better than me, E, but I just can’t make myself stop loving you. I just can’t. Believe me, I tried.”

  All of the air is sucked from my lungs when I realize what he just said. He sees it in my face and instantly his eyes bug out.

  “Wait, don’t freak out. Let me explain. I know we’ve been apart a long time and we’ve both grown and changed a lot over the past seven months, but I know your heart, Ellie, and that hasn’t changed. I know what’s in here,” he presses his hand to my chest, above my heart.

  “This scares me, Cord,” I whisper.

  “Me too, baby,” he says before pressing his lips to mine. “Call me Saint, please. I love hearing my name come from your lips,” he whispers against my mouth. “Because I am Saint again because of you.”

  He lifts me, placing me so my legs are straddling his hips. Pulling me against his chest his mouth finds mine again, running his tongue along the seam of our joined lips. Groaning, he pulls down on my hips, causing his hard body to pulse against mine. When the moan leaves my throat, Cord’s body stills.

  “We can’t do this right now, Ellie. We need to finish talking about this,” he croaks out but continues to kiss me.

  “I don’t want to talk anymore, Saint. I want you to take me to your bed,” I pause long enough to kiss him, “and make love to me.”

  He doesn’t wait for me to tell him twice. He stands from the couch, my legs still around his hips, and walks swiftly toward the stairs.

  When he gets to the base of the stairs, he stops and pulls back from the kiss. “Ellie, we don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”

  “Saint Cordero, I don’t ‘want’ you to make love to me, I need you too,” I whisper against his mouth.

  That’s all it takes before he is running up the stairs, me still attached to him. When he makes it t
o his room, he sets me down on his bed, before reaching his hand behind his head and dragging his shirt over his head. Jesus this man is perfection, all hard muscle and definition.

  He leans between my legs, running his hands up my calves, before bringing his body to tower above mine, barely touching any part of me. As he lowers his mouth to mine, I reach my hands up, running them through his hair. He groans as he drops his body to mine, pressing me deep into the mattress.

  He shifts just enough to pull my sundress over my head, before pressing me back down.

  “You are so beautiful Ellie,” he growls as he longingly stares down at my now almost naked body. He runs his hands over my ribs, up my neck, cupping my jaw as his mouth once again finds mine.

  I feel a sense of loss when I pull away from him, just long enough to rid him of the pants that are limiting my view of his amazing body. I’m almost frantic to feel all of his skin against mine, causing him to chuckle under his breath.

  And then Saint does everything possible to make his words to me true. He savors every single inch of my body, like he knows it by heart. The longer it takes, the harder his mouth becomes. Pulling his face to mine, I kiss him with everything I have in me. Every missed moment. Every sleepless night. Every moment we were apart.

  He lifts his head to stare into my eyes, just as he pushes into my body, making my world stop. He doesn’t move, but his breathing is deep and rapid, and he lays his forehead on mine, not once taking his eyes off of me. “Perfection,” he whispers, just as he starts to move.

  The feel of his body joined with my own is beyond explanation. It’s like my body has come alive for the first time ever, and I never want it to end. Ever. As he rocks into me, his eyes stay trained on mine until the very end; when both of us tense for the moment I’ve only dreamed about. My body shakes and I cry out in pleasure, the tears coming full force.

  “Baby, why are you crying?” Saint asks with concern. “Did I hurt you?”