Compulsive Fascinations

by N. Isabelle Blanco

  Calum caught me completely by surprise, shooting out of his seat and lifting me up into a tight hug. I squealed and threw my arms around his neck. “You have no idea how happy you’ve made me, baby,” he rasped, kissing and nuzzling my cheek.

  My throat tight, I hugged him back as hard as he hugged me. I couldn’t respond to him; I was too busy blinking back tears.

  What a fool I’d been. Had I really come close to losing him because of my ridiculous trauma?

  Amazing man.

  A man that really, really wanted me.

  A man that I was starting to fall in love with, I finally admitted to myself.

  Oh, God.

  He lowered me and cupped my face, staring into my eyes.

  Unaware of the shattering realization I’d come to.

  I blushed under his scrutiny, unable to look away; even though I worried he’d be able to see my feelings in my eyes.

  I’m really starting to fall in love with you.

  My breath hitched.

  He smiled at me and leaned down to sniff my neck before murmuring hotly in my ear, “I want to fuck you on my desk right now.”

  My eyes flew to said desk. “Calum, have you ever fucked anyone on that desk?”

  He placed a soft kiss on my neck and chuckled. “Of course not. My ex wasn’t into things like that.”

  I hated his ex. Couldn’t stomach the mere mention of her. No matter how childish it was to feel that way.

  But I did love the idea of being his first, in any way I could.

  I moved back, fisting his blazer. “As soon as we can, I am so fucking you on that desk.” And I’d give it everything I had, leave my mark, so that every time he sat there, working, he would be forced to remember everything I did to him on it.

  He made a small rough noise in his chest and yanked me back into him.

  The intercom on his desk went off.

  “Sir, just reminding you that your meeting starts in five minutes.”

  He heaved an annoyed sigh at the sound of his assistant's voice. I was still off-kilter after everything that had happened between us, and hearing a male on the intercom confused me.

  “That's Scott. My new assistant,” he clarified, running the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip.

  Such a simple gesture, yet he did it in a way that clearly conveyed where his thoughts remained.

  “I do have men working for me as well.”

  I quirked an eyebrow at his playful tone. “And here I thought you only hired nubile, young females to work under you.”

  “Hah.” The corner of his delicious lips tilted into a smirk and my body wailed at the fact that I couldn't have him right now. “You know there's only one female I want 'working' under me.” He slid his thumb along the inside of my bottom lip.

  The memory of last night at the bar flashed hot through my mind. God, it seemed like so damn much had happened since then.

  Turned on by his comment, I opened my mouth and sucked his thumb, moaning when he clenched his jaw and groaned.

  He cupped my ass with his free hand and brought me in close. “We're not done here.” He punctuated that promise with a kiss on the corner of my mouth.

  Calum moved back to his desk then paused with his finger above the intercom. His eyes flickered back in my direction, eating me up. It was clear that he was having a hard time letting the idea of fucking me go. “Four months, and it's still all I can think about.” His eyes trailed down my body.

  My teeth came down on my bottom lip as I bit back a smile, drunk on the rush of power his attention gave me.

  “Thank you, Scott. Make sure everything is set up in the conference room,” he said into the receiver.

  “Already done, sir,” Scott replied efficiently.

  “Good man,” he mumbled under his breath, stepping away from his desk and straightening his tie.

  I sighed wistfully one last time while I watched him walk toward the doors, his gait confident and his body so arousing in that suit. “I have to get back to work.”

  “I know,” he said over his shoulder. “Your place after?”

  After what had happened last night, I wasn’t ready to step foot in his apartment again. Thank God he seemed to understand that. “Yeah, sounds good. I have to work late to make up for today, though.”

  “Just tell me what time and I’ll be there baby.” He turned back toward the doors.

  “Calum,” I called out to him. “One more thing. I . . . I don’t want to seem like I’m assuming anything . . . and I don’t want you to get upset—”

  He turned fully to me, brow furrowed. “What is it?”

  Nerves had my throat on the verge of closing up. “My father is going to be at the conference and . . . I need more time before I can tell him about this. I also don’t want to spring this on him while we’re there.”

  That tender look appeared on his face again. “Livana, I get it. I’m a lot older than you. It’s going to be difficult for him to accept. We’ll figure out when to tell him after the conference.”

  Never, in all my life, had I felt as lucky as I did then. After as long as I’d gone without a relationship, and considering the fact that I’d only had one before that, this was still so new to me that it left me dumbfounded.

  Having someone like him in my life didn’t seem real. Didn’t seem like something that would ever happen to me.

  Nodding at him, I gave him a small smile.

  Once Calum walked out of the office—rushing since I’d already kept him much longer than I should have—I took a minute or two to compose myself before exiting. As I neared the reception area, I caught sight of who must have been Scott, Calum’s new assistant, sitting at one of the three desks, holding the phone up to his ear.

  I ducked my head, focused on making my way past him.

  One name I heard him say made me pause mid-step.

  “No.” He sounded frustrated. “He really is in a meeting now Ms. Allingham-Rodges . . . I know you just spoke to him. I’m not lying, ma’am. He walked into his meeting less than five minutes ago. I promise I’ll inform him that you called.” Scott hung up the phone. He jumped in his seat when he caught me standing a few feet from his desk. “Ms . . . can I help you?”

  He hadn’t been at his desk when I walked in, and I’d never been there before, so of course he didn’t know me.

  My mind spun so fast I barely had a clue who I was.

  I needed to respond to him. Move. Take a step toward the elevators.

  My brain remained stuck on loop, repeating that name over and over.

  Heart pounding, I shook my head at him.

  Ms. Allingham-Rodges? Only one woman I knew of had that hyphenated last name.

  And that woman was Diane. Calum’s ex.

  That’s who he’d been talking to when I walked in? Why the hell had the bitch called him?

  His words flashed through my mind, something about it being over, and a cold sensation spread through me. I had to breathe through the rage that invaded me. The reawakened sense of panic that had returned with a vengeance. I mumbled a, “No, thank you. I was on my way out,” and rushed straight out of there.

  He’d been speaking to Diane. I told myself not to assume that it had been about their relationship. I told myself not to assume anything.

  The woman had let him go. She was married.

  To a man entering his senior years.

  For the money. Everyone spoke about it. It’s a miracle her new husband either didn’t know, or didn’t seem to care.

  I didn’t want to believe she wanted Calum back.

  But how could she not?

  People are selfish, greedy creatures. She was a prime example of that. Now that she had her money, what would stop her from wanting some piece of Calum back in her life?

  Nothing. That’s what.

  The whole way down in the elevator, I continuously reminded myself of my choice, practically chanting in my head: Trust him. Trust him. Trust him.

  I’d caught him off guard.
Had sprung my news of going to the conference with him minutes before his meeting.

  Surely he’d tell me about her call later on tonight.

  Oh, God, please tell me about her call. If he didn’t . . . what other choice would I have but to assume he had something to hide?

  He’s not hiding anything. Stop being paranoid. He’s going to bring it up.

  I’d promised myself I’d trust him. Somehow, I would.

  I headed toward the subway, determined to get back to work. I would immerse myself in it. Focus on nothing but that for the rest of the day.

  I would not become that creepy, insecure girl who questioned her man about everything.

  Didn’t matter that I one-hundred percent felt that way inside.

  What reason did he have to hide this from me? He would bring it up. If not today, in a few days.

  I had to believe that.

  He never brought it up.

  Two weeks later, and it was never mentioned.

  In the span of those two weeks, I’d alternated between extremes so hard, I’d developed permanent dizziness.

  One moment, my mind convinced itself that Diane hadn’t called him. The next, I was sure she had and that Calum simply hid it from me.

  That second one killed me.

  I should’ve asked. But, how did I do that without coming across as overly suspicious?

  Or worse: borderline psycho.

  Was it wrong that I wanted him to come to me? To be totally upfront and honest about it?

  No. I didn't want that. I needed it. So much that I had started to become sick from waiting for it.

  The last two weeks, I went through the motions. I prepared for the trip to Chicago. Maybe I should’ve backed out of going considering what happened.

  I couldn’t bring myself to. This had all become a test of sorts. He had unknowingly forced a realization on me that had been a long time coming.

  I was broken.

  Whether or not things worked out with Calum, I had to rebuild myself. It’s not merely that I owed it to myself. Corey didn't deserve to have this much power over my life anymore. In order to have any semblance of a real future, I needed to start letting go of the past.

  I was no longer doing this for him. I had to prove to myself that I wasn't so damaged that I couldn't give an actual relationship a shot.

  And that's how, despite all my doubts and anxiety, I ended up on a plane about to take off to Chicago.

  I stared out the window, acutely aware of the man sitting next to me, but unable to stare at him. Or speak to him.

  The tension between us had been steadily growing. I knew that he sensed something was very wrong.

  He had yet to ask.

  I had no idea what I would say if he did.

  Calum’s large hand enveloped mine, startling me out of my thoughts. His low sigh reached my ears; I finally turned in his direction.

  He stared down at my hand, watching his thumb slowly trace the veins on the back of it. “I’m tired of waiting for you to tell me what’s wrong, Livana.” His eyes met mine, so bleak that I had to bite the inside of my cheek to control my reaction. “I feel you pulling away from me.”

  “I’m here. Aren’t I?”

  Anger flashed in his eyes. “You might as well be a million miles away, woman.”

  I couldn’t do this anymore. Besides, he’d opened the door. He wanted to know what was wrong. I stared out the window so I wouldn’t have to look at him when I said what I had to say. “I feel like something’s going on. Like you’re hiding something from me.” My tone had been soft, but not even I missed the edge in it.

  Ten seconds passed. Then twenty. I counted each one, something inside me shriveling up more and more.

  I was about to pull my hand out of his when he finally answered.

  “I’ve been that obvious, huh?”

  Christ. That hurt on a level I didn’t understand. Closing my eyes, I mumbled, “You could say that.”

  Would he really confess the truth to me now? I was already on the damn plane as it prepared for takeoff. How would I escape him if this ended up hurting more than I could handle?

  “Liv. Look at me.”

  I shook my head. “Please tell me what’s going on.”

  He tightened his hold on my hand.

  A warning my instincts heard loud and clear.

  “Diane called me a few times.”

  Thank God I’d turned away from him. “What did she want?”

  “She’s delusional,” he said carefully.

  I wanted to tear his hair out for not getting to the point. “Does she want you back?” I gritted out, deciding to cut to the chase.

  “She says she made a mistake.”

  “Of course she did.” I scoffed, straightening in my seat and trying to pull my hand out of his hold.

  Not that he let me.

  “I told her I’m with someone.”

  Hands down, the absolute last thing I expected to hear from him.

  And how sad was that?

  “Y–you did?”

  “Turn the fuck around, Livana. Now,” he commanded in a voice low enough for only me to hear.

  Shocked by the vehemence in his voice, I faced him. I was met with his worried expression, the rapid twitch of his jaw as he studied me.

  We sat there in silence. The seatbelt light came on, but we’d already buckled in, so neither of us moved. The pilot made his little speech, announcing that it would take a little over two hours to arrive in O’ Hare.

  The entire time, we watched each other, even after the plane began making its way down the runway for takeoff.

  “Say something,” he pleaded softly, eyes probing.

  I shrugged one shoulder, when all I really wanted to do was scream my head off. “She wants you back.”

  “She’s married.”

  “Which obviously doesn’t matter to her.” I lacked the courage to ask the real question, the one that mattered to me more than anything. How do you feel about her wanting you back?

  “I told her I’m with someone.”

  Hearing that meant something. It truly did. Anxiety still had a tight hold on me, but I started to relax. Somewhat. “And what did she say to that?”

  The plane took off, pressing us into our seats as it ascended. He didn’t break our stare. “She asked who. I told her it’s none of her business.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that.

  “I would have told her it’s you, Liv, but we haven’t even had a chance to discuss it with your father.”

  “I get it.” I did. Hated that he couldn’t have told the bitch the truth, but I understood why.

  Shit. I now despised her more than ever. Before, there had been a chance that my jealousy had been just a tad bit irrational. Now I had absolute proof that it was completely founded. She wanted what I considered mine, what she’d thrown away, and it galled me.

  No. Let’s be honest. Galled didn’t quite do it justice. I was passed the point of enraged. She wanted my man and I was ready to destroy her for it.

  “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I asked him.

  “After the pictures . . .” He didn’t finish.

  He didn’t have to. I’d reacted badly when I’d seen those pictures. He had every reason to hide this from me.

  I’d done everything in my power to convince my mind that he hadn’t been lying about those pictures.

  I’d only been about eighty-percent successful. There was no simple way to switch off the part of me that persisted on being suspicious. I suspected that if it had been that easy, many relationships out there would’ve been saved.

  And now it’d been confirmed that Diane wanted Calum.

  Still.

  Well, she couldn’t have him. She’d fucking let him go. She’d left him free to come into my life.

  I wasn’t letting him back out of it. Not with how I’d begun to feel about him.

  Oh my God.

  I wanted it.

  I wanted all of that
with him.

  I wanted anything and everything, as long as it meant he remained in my life. It was why I’d remained silent for over two weeks. Why I’d been too scared to confront him about my suspicions.

  It’d happened. The one damn thing I’d been dreading above all happened. I needed him in my life more than I needed to keep myself safe from the pain of being hurt by someone.

  Thinking about losing him to anyone—especially her—was unbearable.

  No. He had to be mine only. I couldn’t, and refused to deal with, the idea of someone else having him instead of me.

  Shit. Fuck my life. What a great moment to come to that realization.

  “Livana.” He caressed my shoulder. “Jesus, you’re shaking.”

  I was.

  But not because of why he thought.

  You’re it. You’re what I want.

  “Come here.” He lifted the armrest between us, removing the one thing that separated us. We couldn’t unbuckle our seatbelts yet, but he pulled me as close as they would allow, hugging me to him.

  I let him, my insides all over the place.

  “Tell me you’re okay,” Calum mumbled into my hair, lips pressed to the top of my head.

  “I’m okay,” I lied.

  “Are we?” His fingers skimmed down my arm.

  “Yes.” That one at least wasn’t a lie. I’d just realized I couldn’t lose him, no matter what. As long as he ended up being okay with that, there shouldn’t be a problem with my little realization.

  Right?

  11

  I’d fallen asleep during the flight. At some point, Calum had unbuckled me, and I’d woken up right before we’d started descent, my upper body practically draped across his lap.

  His fingers had been lost in my hair, playing with it as he loved to do.

  Waking up like that was one of the best things in the world.

  The spark in his eyes when I’d sleepily looked up at him had done me in. Gently, his fingers had curled into a fist around my hair, and he’d used the hold to bring me up to his level.

  Then, he’d kissed me, slow, his tongue swirling around mine in drugging circles. He groaned in the back of his throat, and I’d clutched his t-shirt, answering him with an uncontrolled moan.

  “Next time, we’re taking the private jet,” he told me, voice rumbling against my lips. “Where I can have you and no one would interrupt us.”