Once Pure

by Cecy Robson

  The shock wore off as Killian continued to play. He lifted me, his tongue swirling over the tip of one breast while his fingers teased the other. My eyelids fluttered. He knew exactly what to do. But I was at a loss.

  Men had touched me. I’d never touched back. Now that I wanted to, I didn’t know where to begin.

  But I wanted to learn.

  I jerked away, pulling the straps of my dress back up.

  Killian’s chest rose and fell quickly. “What’s wrong?”

  My attention traveled to his face, back down to his lap, then back up. “I don’t know how to touch you.” The admission made my cheeks burn.

  “It’s okay.” Killian’s deep voice softened. “You don’t have to.” He lifted his hips slowly and tried to pull up his shorts. The motion had him scrunching his face as he angled away. He was in pain. I wouldn’t leave him like this.

  I grasped his wrists before he could yank the shorts all the way up. “I seriously want to touch you.” I met his face then. “Will you teach me how?”

  Killian fell stone still. He lowered his eyes briefly and swallowed hard. “You want me to teach you?” he repeated.

  “Y-yes. Is that okay?”

  His breath released in a shudder. “Oh…hell, yeah.”

  His erection hardened further. My lips parted when it hit me that I’d turned him on by simply asking. I paused, taking a moment to build my courage. When I stood, the points of my breasts stiffened once more. I knew what was coming.

  I lowered my gaze and slowly pulled down his shorts, letting them fall onto the wood floor. I then joined him as he spread his large body along the bed. He curled his arm around my back, tucking me against him as I laid my head against his shoulder. I had a full view of everything below his waist, but my hair and my position kept my face hidden.

  That was exactly how I wanted it. I couldn’t touch him if I knew he was watching my every move. Like I said, I remained that girl still needing to hide.

  Killian’s body trembled as I reached for him. The silkiness of his skin surprised me; I hadn’t expected it and let my hand glide upward, taking it in. He jerked when I released it and let it slap against his belly. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay.”

  God, he was breathing so hard. “Where do I start?”

  “The base.” Again he swallowed. “Then stroke up, then down.”

  I did as he asked. Up, down, up, down, the fullness of him exceeding my grip. “Like this?”

  “A little harder—” He jumped and clasped my hand. “Not…that…hard.”

  I tried again, using his moans to guide me. “Better?”

  “Yeah.” He grunted, the cords of his neck straining.

  He jerked again, but I couldn’t tell why. “Am I hurting you?”

  “No. It feels good,” he panted. “But it helps if you wet your hands.”

  I released him to push up on my elbow and flick my tongue along my fingers, moistening them as best I could. I didn’t realize he was watching until his head fell back and he draped his arm over his face. “Oh, Jesus,” he muttered.

  Yeah. He’d seen me.

  I returned to him, moving faster and harder, using his groans and his swiveling hips to guide me. At the first sight of the tip glistening, my speed quickened, aiding his release. To see it, to know I caused it, was such a turn-on, I couldn’t stop my body from churning with need.

  Killian covered my hand with his, slowing my movements, keeping my grip gentle over the sensitive and throbbing head. The way he moved my hand against him heightened my arousal. I came close to putting him into my mouth.

  Instead I kissed him. I’d wanted to give him a little something back. And now that I knew what he liked, I wanted to keep going.

  Killian rolled me onto my back while my hand stayed put and continued to stroke. I thought I was ready for more until he reached beneath my skirt and his fingers skimmed between my legs.

  Fear outweighed the shooting pleasure. “Killian…”

  At the sound of my quivering voice, he tore away from me, sitting up quickly and giving me space. His gaze softened as he took in my face. He could see how scared I was.

  He eased off the bed when I remained cemented in place. Using great care, he lifted me from the bed and onto my feet. I sighed. Now that I wasn’t on my back, now that I was no longer vulnerable, my reaction seemed so stupid. And I hated myself for it.

  Things were going so well. I hadn’t meant to spoil our evening or ruin the intimacy between us. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, unable to face him. I looked down at my hands. Weren’t they just touching him? Why did my mood have to change so fast?

  His knuckles grazed my cheek until I glanced up. “Don’t apologize for being afraid. It’s nothing you can help. It’s just how you feel.” His shoulders fell slightly. “I just hate being the cause.”

  “But you’re not.”

  He stared at the wall, guilt clouding his features. “Yes I am, Sofia.”

  Tears welled in my eyes. “Killian, you have to understand…all this is very new to me. What we did—how we touched and how it made me feel—they’re things I’ve never experienced before now.”

  His brows drew together. “No one’s ever touched you like that?”

  I wiped my eyes. “Not in a way that I’ve welcomed.”

  Anger brewed beneath his gaze. “Christ, Sofia.”

  My face fell against his chest as he gathered me to him. We stood there for a long while, Killian holding me against his naked form. “I never want you to do anything you don’t want to do, baby. We’ll take things slow, or we’ll stop altogether.” His lips brushed over my forehead. “I’ve waited for you this long, and I’ll keep on waiting if I have to.”

  I forced the words out, knowing they needed to be said. “I don’t want you to wait.” He cocked his head, unsure what I meant. “I want to learn how to feel good. And I want you to teach me….”

  Chapter 7

  I sent my mother a text, letting her know I wasn’t coming home. When the food arrived from Pappy’s, we ate it, then spent the remainder of the night in Killian’s bed. I touched him again, learning his body as best I could with my hands. This time, though, he kept his contact to a minimum.

  We fell asleep close to dawn. I woke with his arms around me and someone pounding on the door.

  I rubbed my tired eyes as I felt his hold slip from my waist. He padded naked across the room to the window and pulled back the dark curtains. The muscles across his broad shoulders tensed. It was a subtle movement, but I noticed it anyway. “Who is it?”

  Killian walked to his dresser and pulled out a pair of shorts to yank on. “Your brother.”

  I shot out of bed so fast, I almost fell on my face. “Oh, God. Where’s my dress?”

  Killian bent to meet my lips. “Shhh. It’s okay. I’ll handle it.”

  I clasped his wrist. “Killian, Mateo’s going to be mad—he shouldn’t be, but he will be.”

  Killian shrugged. “I know.”

  I watched him leave, then scanned the room until I saw my dress folded over the dresser. I stripped out of the T-shirt Killian had given me in time to hear him open the door.

  “Hey, Teo. What’s up?”

  I was pulling on my dress when Teo answered. “My sister didn’t come home last night.”

  “I know. She was with me,” Killian told him.

  My bare feet slapped against the wood floor as I dashed into the hall. I stumbled to a stop at the top of the stairs. Killian stood with his body relaxed, his arms crossed. Mateo wasn’t so relaxed. His heavy arms draped against his sides, his hands balling into fists. Oh. Great. He was even angrier than I’d expected.

  I lifted my skirt and carefully climbed down. My brother’s jaw tightened and his glare left me and trained back on Killian. “You have to be fucking kidding me,” Teo snapped.

  My brother’s tone had me jumping the last two steps. He was an inch shorter and ten pounds lighter than Killian, but he’d spent a year in prison mess
ing up people who’d tried to mess with him. When Teo got out—and before he became a successful mechanic—he made his money as a head bouncer and by bashing skulls in unsanctioned fight clubs. He would fight Killian if he felt he’d wronged me, and knowing that killed me.

  Teo and Killian were once more like brothers than friends. They knew each other’s weaknesses and strengths. But then something went wrong. Whatever it was, it tore them apart.

  I didn’t want them to fight. It wouldn’t end well for either. But just like Killian was protective of me, so was Mateo. The charges against my rapist were dropped because I was too fragile to stand trial, and because his family came from a lot of money and had the right connections. My brother had refused to let my attacker go unpunished. He’d found him and put him in the ICU for two weeks, only to be sent to prison for his actions.

  Killian raised his chin. “It’s not what you think, Teo.”

  “Did she spend the night?” Teo shoved his face into Killian’s when he didn’t answer. “Then it’s exactly what I think.”

  I pushed my way between them. “Teo, stop.”

  Teo ignored me. “You grew up with her—pretending to be my brother and her friend—now she’s here. Nice. Real fucking nice, Kill.”

  Killian didn’t budge. “She wants to be here. And I want her here, too. She’s welcome to stay as long as she wants.”

  “She’s not one of the whores you’ve been with, Kill—”

  “Don’t you think I know that? I would never disrespect Sofia!”

  Teo met him with a hard stare. “You saying you’ll protect her, watch her back? Keep her safe from harm?”

  Something in Killian’s solid stance dissolved. “I won’t let anything happen to her.”

  Teo’s voice stabbed at the air. “Yeah. Heard that one before.”

  I glanced between them, unsure what was happening. As tough as Killian was, I could sense Teo’s words chip at Killian’s armor. “He protected me yesterday,” I told Teo.

  Teo’s attention returned to me. “What are you talking about?”

  “Come outside with me and we’ll talk.” I squeezed Killian’s hand. “Give us a minute, okay?”

  Teo allowed me to lead him out, but Killian’s voice momentarily kept him in place. “Teo. Some things need to stay between us, you feel me?”

  Teo frowned. “It’s your cross to bear. Not mine.”

  I pulled on my brother’s arm, trying to create space between them. “Teo, please.” He locked eyes with Killian, exchanging words that went unsaid before he let me tug him forward again. I shut the door behind us and held on to his hand until we reached the bottom of the steps.

  The sun was breaking through the clouds, forcing the start of an impending heat wave. The rising temperature seemed to mimic Teo’s mood. He didn’t seem any happier out here than inside.

  My hands swept behind my long skirt, tucking it beneath me so I could sit on the brick steps. Teo chose to stand in front of me with his arms crossed. I kept my voice low. “Someone who knew about my past cornered me in Killian’s office—he didn’t hurt me,” I added quickly when Teo’s anger flared. “Killian attacked him and threw him out of his gym for scaring me.”

  “Who was it?”

  Teo would pay Trey a visit if I told him. “It doesn’t matter. Like I said, Killian took care of it.” I sighed when Teo remained unimpressed. “Something’s happening between me and Killian.”

  “No shit,” Teo said.

  I shook my head. “Don’t be like this, Teo. I’ve liked him forever, but you probably knew that.”

  “You liked the boy you thought he was—I did, too. But he didn’t grow into the man he should’ve been.”

  “And what should he have been?” I asked. Teo shut his mouth. “You’re saying all these things that don’t make sense. Like it’s some kind of riddle I need to solve. If you have something solid to say about Killian—a good reason I shouldn’t be here—then tell me. I don’t like games or these cryptic messages.”

  Teo kept his arms crossed, mulling over what to say. “A real man keeps his word. He didn’t keep the promise he made me. You deserve better than that, Sofia.”

  I returned to playing with my hands. Something I always did when shame crept its way back in. “Don’t you mean he deserves better than me?”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  I rubbed my face. “Killian’s never lied to me, but I’ve lied to him. He’s convinced I’m this innocent little thing.”

  Teo’s hard expression softened. “That’s because you are.”

  I shook my head. “You know that’s not true. If Killian only knew how I let those men use me like they did…”

  He leaned forward. “Those weren’t men. They were horny teens who took what they wanted at the expense of a vulnerable girl.”

  I didn’t agree.

  “That wasn’t your fault, Sofia,” Teo said when he saw my face crumble.

  My palms smacked against the steps when I dropped them from my lap. “Wasn’t it? I put myself in those situations. I allowed myself to be used and mistreated.”

  Teo crouched low so he met me square in the face. “You were damaged, Sofi—because of what happened, because of our shitty childhood. Those dumb pricks knew it and took advantage of someone in pain. But you wised up and straightened out. That’s what’s important.”

  “It was still wrong, what I did. I knew it then, but I still let it happen.”

  Teo straightened. “Our own father told you you deserved what happened to you. That’s enough to fuck anyone up.”

  “I can’t blame everything on him. I was still sneaking out and putting myself in those situations.”

  “It’s been years.” Teo lowered his head. “We’ve all made mistakes.”

  “But you’ve had the opportunity to learn from yours and move on. As much as I’ve tried to forget and move forward, the past keeps coming back and dragging me down—forcing me to remember things I don’t want to.”

  “Don’t let it.”

  “I don’t think I can help it,” I told him truthfully. When all he did was continue to watch me, I rose and brushed off my skirt. “You said we’ve all made mistakes.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Well, if Killian has, too, don’t you think he deserves a chance at forgiveness?”

  Teo sealed his jaw shut, refusing to answer.

  “He’s a good man, Teo,” I insisted. “That guy yesterday who came after me—I wouldn’t have been able to stop him. If you saw how bad Killian messed him up, you’d see that he does care for me, and is willing to throw down to keep me safe.”

  Teo straightened to his full height. “Maybe. But there’s more to being a man than that.”

  —

  I walked back into Killian’s house after Teo left. He was in the kitchen making breakfast. “Teo gone?”

  “Yes. He left to make rounds on all his shops—to make sure his mechanics are doing what they’re supposed to.”

  He scrambled the eggs in the frying pan. “What did he have to say?”

  I leaned into the counter. “That Ma’s upset. She’s at church, praying for my soul.” And hoping yours gets damned to hell, I obviously didn’t admit out loud.

  Killian stopped in the middle of adding grated cheese to the eggs. “You serious?”

  I took a piece of bacon off the plate in front of me. “She and Lety have never been close or agreed on much of anything. I was always the dutiful daughter who went to church, lit the candles, said the prayers. As religious as Ma is, I think she was still hanging on to hope that I’d become a nun.”

  “Shit. Well, I think I ruined those odds last night.”

  I stared down at my plate to hide my blush. “Ma felt God saved her—well, us. I think she believes we’re only still alive because of Him. I can understand her reasoning, seeing how badly the man she chose treated us.”

  Killian heaped more bacon onto the plate. “Is she finally admitting that it was a bad decision? Stayin
g with Carlos, I mean.”

  It was hard to explain my mother’s actions and easy for others to put the blame on her. I tried the best I could, defending her like always, but mostly thankful that our nightmare with my father was finally over. “She’ll never speak badly of Carlos, no matter what. And she’ll remain faithful and never marry again. But now that he’s in prison, with no chance of getting out, I think she’s given herself permission to let him go.”

  Killian poured orange juice into a tall glass and passed it to me. “Do you think she’ll visit him? Like she used to?”

  I reached for the roll of paper towels to my right and folded a sheet for me and one for Killian. “No. I think the way he went after Lety and Brody was the final straw. Everything that he did to us over the years, as bad as it was—I don’t know, this was different. It made her finally accept how sick he really is and allowed her to say goodbye.”

  Killian sat next to me and rubbed my back. “Do you think it will help her relationship with Lety?”

  Knowing the truth made me sad. “They’ll never be close, Killian. There’s too much hurt and resentment there.”

  His hand stopped on my lower back. “But you don’t resent her, do you?”

  I smiled up at him. “I can’t. She was weak. I know that feeling too well—I can’t judge her, having been there myself.” I fiddled with the folded napkin. “Lety’s always been a fighter. She doesn’t understand what it’s like for those of us who can’t…or choose not to.”

  Killian pressed a kiss to my head and returned to the kitchen. He laughed as he stirred the eggs again. “What’s so funny?” I asked.

  He lowered the heat on the stove. “Sorry. I was just wondering who got into more throw-downs, my sister or yours.”

  I grimaced. “It might have been mine. I remember when Lety was hauled into the principal’s office by Sister Mary Rosalyn for taking a swing at a girl who stole my Twinkies. The girl was in sixth grade; Lety was in third and made her cry.”

  Killian raised his brows. “Wren beat up a guy for tugging on her braids. The poor sap liked her and didn’t know how to show her—hell, all my friends had crushes on her. But they were scared to death of her.” He huffed. “She would have had more dates in high school if she didn’t hit so damn hard.”