Once Pure

by Cecy Robson

  “Christ.” He pulled away and lifted my chin. His devastated expression was more than I could take. “I should have been there for you,” he said quietly. “I should have stopped it—all of it. None of it would have happened if I’d just kept you safe.”

  I shook my head, not knowing who was feeling more torment then. “Nothing you could have done would have spared me from myself. I was depressed and damaged, Killian, and because of it I did things I can’t take back.” I clasped his hand. “It was awful, and wrong, but I couldn’t see anything past my pain.”

  “Self-mutilation.” I think that was what Sister Augusta determined my actions to be. But here with Killian, seeing how my mistakes affected him, I realized this wasn’t simply about me. My indiscretions had cost us both.

  “I’m sorry that I hurt you, Killian. I never meant to embarrass you or your family. But even though more than five years have passed since I last allowed myself to be used, people still remember what I did. And there’s nothing I can do to change it.”

  Killian tucked me against him as he tossed my suitcase on the floor, then lowered me into bed with him. He covered us with a blanket and held me close until my tears finally stopped. “I don’t care what you did,” he said. “Or who’ve you’ve been with. I only care that you’re with me now.”

  I clutched his shirt in my fist, certain I’d misheard him. “You still want me?”

  “I’ll always want you,” he murmured. He reached to cup my cheek, appearing at a loss for words. “I wish I could explain what you mean to me, and how much I need you. I just don’t know how.” He glanced in the direction of the abandoned suitcase. “All I know is that my life means nothing without you with me.”

  Chapter 20

  Since the beginning of our relationship, I’d feared how Killian would react when he learned of my past. The humiliation and the circumstances of how he found out were a worse scenario than I could have imagined. It took me a long time before I could face his family. That said, a strange heaviness lifted between us and brought us closer together.

  He winked at me just before I stepped into the Octagon to face my opponent. While his show of affection made me smile, my nervousness seemed to surge the moment the gate clicked shut.

  “How you feeling there, Sofe? You good?” Wren rubbed my shoulders, trying to ease my tense muscles. She’d volunteered to stay inside the ring with me to coach me through. At least, that was what she’d claimed. My instincts told me she didn’t trust my crazy opponent from the moment she’d walked into Killian’s gym.

  As if on cue, the tripped-out Jersey girl glared at me like she’d kill me and sell off my organs if given the chance. I glanced at Wren and forced a smile. “I’m good. No worries.”

  “You sure? You look a little nervous there, kid.”

  Okay. Maybe I was. In fact, I was two seconds from bolting back to the women’s locker room and hurling.

  Killian had arranged this supposedly friendly one-on-one sparring match with a friend of his who ran a smaller MMA gym in south Jersey. This guy, Doug, had only one girl in training and wanted her to get some practice against another female in her weight class. At five feet eight, Wren was in a whole different class, so Doug asked Killian if he knew anyone else his brunette bruiser could spar with. Apparently her goal was to enter the MMA ring and work her way up the ranks.

  Doug thought she had the talent and potential to be the next big bad. Killian agreed to some extent, but believed I was better, way better. I supposed he thought it would boost my confidence to take on someone on her way to ranking among the best.

  I grimaced as I continued to watch her bouncing in place across the ring from me. She’d begun to growl, impatient, it seemed, that Killian and Doug were still talking on the floor instead of starting the match.

  She growled again. Good heavens. This whole thing seemed like a good idea at the time—nice friendly match to help someone out. But as her growls deepened, I began to have my doubts and, yeah, maybe questioned her sanity, too.

  Wren scoffed. “Damn. For someone who calls herself the Black Cobra, she sure growls a lot.”

  My head whipped in her direction. “Black Cobra? She goes by Black Cobra?”

  Wren rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I know. If she wants to live up to her name she should hiss or something else, don’t you think?”

  The Black Cobra’s growls increased, making my eyes widen. She’d chosen a black mouth guard. Now that I knew her nickname, I imagined it was because the color fit her persona. I’d chosen hot pink because I thought it was a fun color.

  She growled again. Yeah, that was so not a cute look for her. “Why does she go by Black Cobra?”

  Wren scrutinized her carefully. “I think because her hair is all, like, black—oh, and also on account of her strikes being, you know, lethal. Like a cobra, get it?”

  “I see.” I bounced in place, trying to shake off the extra nerves caused by Wren’s little pep talk and to keep my body loose. It was starting to work, when the Black Cobra stopped growling to flash me a nasty grin and flip me off with one stiff middle finger.

  “Oooh,” Wren said. “I was kind of worried about that.”

  She wasn’t talking about the rude gesture. “What do you mean?”

  Wren frowned. “You don’t know about her and Kill?”

  An odd sensation dug its way into my belly. “What about her and Killian?”

  “Oh, it’s nothing….”

  “Uh, okay.”

  Wren shrugged. “They just used to fuck.”

  I stopped dancing in place. “What?”

  Wren waved me off. “Calm down, Sofe. It’s no big deal. They only did it like once or twice in her car and she may have gone down on him a few times after that—six, seven times tops.”

  “Are you serious?”

  Wren considered it. “Okay, maybe they fucked a lot. But you shouldn’t let it bother you.”

  The Black Cobra stopped moving just to wink my way and make some kissing sounds. No way. No freaking way. Killian’s laughter had me swiveling my head in his direction.

  Doug whispered something and motioned to the Black Cobra with a jerk of his chin. Killian nodded, smiling approvingly, and rubbed his chin as he chuckled.

  I wasn’t one to swear. But I did then. Shit. Fucking, asshat, motherfucking shit.

  Finn hopped onto the side of the Octagon behind me, speaking low. “Hey, Wren. Don’t tell Sofia that Kill and Black Cobra used to fuck. I don’t think he wants her to know.”

  I turned to glare at both of them. Their eyes widened and they exchanged glances. This time it was my turn to growl. “Get this match started!”

  Finn tossed me a hesitant glance before yelling to Killian. “Hey, Kill—Kill. The girls are waitin’ for you.”

  Killian and Doug shook hands and split up, each going to their respective sides. Killian smiled at me. “You ready, princess?” He did a double take at my scowl. “What’s wrong?”

  I popped in my mouth guard when Wren offered it to me. “Just ring the damn bell.”

  His attention turned to his siblings, who shrugged innocently like they couldn’t possibly understand why I was so furious. The bell sounded and I danced forward to meet the Black Cobra.

  She seemed happy to see me. Delighted even. She wanted to make me bleed. I knew she did. But girlfriend had another think coming.

  “Hey, pussy,” she spat and threw a jab that I steered clear of. “You want to play with the Black Cobra, priss?”

  She swung again. I dipped out of reach, threw a kick that didn’t connect, and danced out of her way.

  Killian, Wren, and Finn yelled instructions, telling me to move, telling me to punch, telling me to use my legs.

  I ignored them, focusing fully on her. She swung again, and again. Her swings were hard, fast. If she caught me with one she’d knock me dead on my ass.

  The Four Horsemen would gallop over my bloody remains before I’d let this tramp take me down.

  I bounced in place, ha
nds up, staying loose, hands up, taking my time, looking for that opening.

  And there it was.

  I caught her with a roundhouse kick, hooked her by the knee, and used my weight to bring her down. She never stood a chance. I knew it the moment her back connected with the mat and my fists became a blur of motion.

  I never heard that bell, never noticed her tap out. Killian was just suddenly there. He overhooked my shoulder and grabbed my opposite arm, clinching me to him and dragging me away.

  I bent my knees—dropping my level—then pivoted on my left leg and broke out of his hold to face him. The fluid movements were so precise, so ingrained, they were as natural as breathing.

  Killian met my glare with a frown. “Baby, what—”

  I jabbed my finger into his massive chest. “Don’t. You. Baby. Me!”

  I abandoned the Octagon, slamming the cage door behind me. Killian called to me. “Sofia. Sofia!”

  My eyes fastened on the bench where I’d left my gym bag while Wren’s words jiggled around in my brain. They just used to fuck. I yanked off my headgear. Once or twice in her car. I slipped out my mouth guard and wiped my lips. She may have gone down on him a few times after that—six, seven times tops….

  The Black Cobra went down on and had sex with my boyfriend—my boyfriend! It should have sounded comical, but holy heavens, it wasn’t. Especially then, especially with both of them standing within feet of each other.

  Killian didn’t even warn me. Was I a joke to him? Did he think this was funny to see two women he’d been with fighting it out? I ripped my glove off. Damnit. Goddamnit.

  He prowled toward me as I yanked off my last glove. “Don’t talk to me. I don’t want anything to do with you.”

  “Don’t…” He threw out his hands. “What the hell did I do?”

  I tossed the glove in the bag and reeled on him. “In her car? Really, Killian. Really? Do you even have to ask?” He blinked back at me as my furious tears threatened to fall. I wanted to punch him. But as angry as I was, as hurtful as he’d been, I couldn’t hurt him back.

  That didn’t mean he didn’t deserve what I had to say. “Aside from cheating on me, matching me up against one of your ex-lays was the worst thing you could have done. I thought you were a better man than that.”

  He clasped my wrist as I reached for my bag. I tried to break his hold, but he held tight. “You think I fucked the Black Cobra,” he said slowly.

  For a moment, I couldn’t move.

  “That’s it, isn’t it?” Killian’s voice softened. “You think she and I…”

  I lifted my head, my scowl dissolving as his words sank in. “Y-you haven’t been with her?”

  He frowned. “Doug sent me some footage of her fighting. I’ve never met her before today. Why would you…”

  We turned in the direction of his siblings. Funny thing was, they were looking kind of guilty just then. “What the fuck did you tell her?” Killian ground out.

  Wren stepped forward. “See, Finn and I were talking before the match—”

  “It was Wren’s idea,” Finn interrupted.

  Wren narrowed her eyes. “And you agreed, you little bastard.” She held out a hand. “Hear me out. You know what your problem is, Sofe?”

  I crossed my arms. “Yeah. That I clearly punched the wrong girl.”

  This actually made Wren grin. She pointed at me. “You need a trigger. A girl like you isn’t just going to go up to someone and kick her ass—unlike your sister, Lety, who throws down like a motherfucker. You need motivation. You need a reason to act. When you practice, you got some serious moves, girl.” She turned to Finn. “Am I right?”

  Finn nodded. “Serious moves. You could have been a contender.”

  Wren returned to shake her finger at me. “The problem is you hold back. Every damn time. You don’t hit as hard as you should, you don’t bring someone down as hard as you can, neither. It’s like you’re afraid to hurt someone.”

  “Because I am,” I admitted. Everyone gathered around me quieted. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. It’s not what I’m about.”

  Killian watched me closely. “I hope like hell you never have to. But if that moment ever comes, I want you prepared. I want you ready to fight.”

  Problem was, despite all the time Killian and his family had put into helping me train, it didn’t feel like I would ever be ready. The fear that had haunted me for so long had lessened in its intensity. But it remained close to the surface, ready to paralyze me the moment I felt threatened.

  “Hey, Sofe,” Wren said quietly. “Look, I’m sorry. Believe it or not, I was only trying to help you—motivate you, you feel me? I was going to tell you the truth after you were done kicking Cobra’s ass.”

  I met her face, not quite knowing what to say. Finn punched me affectionately in the shoulder. “You gotta admit it worked.” He turned to Killian, grinning. “Though I’d be careful if I were you, Kill. Your woman here’s got some serious rage.”

  I covered my face as they walked away, a storm of emotions rushing through me. Mostly, I felt guilt, for yelling at Killian and not giving him enough credit. I loved him. And this was the way I’d treated him?

  I dropped my hand away. “I’m sorry.”

  He shrugged. “It’s all good.”

  I shook my head. “No, it’s not. I didn’t even give you a chance to explain. You’ve just been with so many girls…it was easy to believe she was one of them.”

  He chuckled. “I shouldn’t say this, but it was kind of hot.”

  I raised my brows. “Me beating up another girl?”

  “I mean seeing you put everything together that I taught you.” He winked. “You learned well, princess.”

  My smile faded as I glanced over to where Doug was patching up the Black Cobra’s face. Blood from her busted lip had splattered her chin. And her left eye had swollen practically shut. She noticed me watching and glared my way.

  I covered my mouth. Holy heavens, I’d really done a number on her. I wrestled with whether I should walk over to her. But what would I say now? My apologies, Miss Black Cobra. I thought you went down on my boyfriend in your car. I waved to snag her attention. “Um. Sorry about that,” I offered.

  My efforts earned me two middle fingers this time.

  Killian barked out a laugh. “It’s not funny,” I told him. “For goodness’ sake, look at her face.”

  He only laughed harder. “Killian, don’t laugh. I mean it.”

  “Finn, Wren!” he called to where they were moving mats across the gym. “You’re in charge. I’ll be back later.” He linked our fingers and snagged my bag in his with his free hand. “Come on.”

  He waited until I shoved my feet into my sneakers. “Where we going?”

  “You’ll see.”

  Killian led me out the rear exit. The cold winter air sent goose bumps spreading along my exposed arms, legs, and belly. A sports bra and shorts were so not appropriate this time of year.

  Killian threw our stuff into his F-150 and cranked the heat after starting the engine. He yanked off his sweatshirt and offered it to me. The hot air was quickly making its way through the cabin. So instead of pulling it over my head, I tucked his thick sweatshirt against my legs as he pulled out of the back lot.

  “I’m sorry,” I said again. “For yelling at you and everything…” My voice trailed as I caught his grin. “Why are you smiling?”

  “You were jealous.”

  My cheeks heated despite the cold that remained. “Well, yes. I thought you had, you know, done stuff with her.”

  “Stuff?”

  I grimaced thinking about it. “Your sister went into detail. And Finn, yeah, he kind of added to the conversation.”

  He rubbed his jaw, that grin of his remaining firmly in place. “When the hell are you going to figure out that Wren and Finn are full of shit?” His blue eyes cut to me. “You were seriously pissed at me.”

  I threw a hand out. “What do you expect? Wren told me that you fucked th
e Black Cobra and that she went down on you in her car—her car, Killian!”

  “Would you prefer it was in mine?”

  He burst out laughing when I glared at him. “Okay, let me ask you this,” I said. “What if some guy had gone down on me, and you met him in the Octagon—”

  “I’d rip him apart.” He’d stopped laughing.

  I crossed my arms and lowered my stare to the dash. “Yeah, well, that’s kind of what I was thinking when I heard about you and Black Cobra.”

  He stopped at a light and, without warning, pulled me to him, kissing me hard. My body seared against his. Killian knew exactly how to kiss. His tongue circled mine, taunting me, while his lips pressed and passed over my mouth.

  My hand clutched his shoulder while his skimmed along my back to grip my hip. Every primal instinct begged me to lie back and drag him on top of me.

  He broke our kiss, his deep blue eyes firing with devotion. “There is no one else for me but you. You get me? No one.”

  I nodded, my fingertips grazing his cheek. His gaze was the same one that held mine during sex—mesmerizing, claiming me as he thrust inside of me.

  His hands slipped away when the light changed and the car behind us belted out its horn. I watched him, wanting so badly to have his hips grinding against mine. Something had definitely changed between us since I’d opened up about my past. I let everything go—all my hesitation and worry—and allowed myself to feel every sweep of his tongue, every movement of his fingers, every push of him inside me.

  I realized my defenses had dropped. All of them. There were no more secrets, no reservations now. I constantly hungered for the pleasure and excitement that sex with Killian brought me and for the deep level of intimacy I felt every time our bare skin touched.

  Killian’s grip on the steering wheel tightened, the strong angles of his features hardening. His breaths increased in time with mine. Was he turned on, too?

  He adjusted his hips. It was then I noticed the rising bulge in his lap. I licked my lips, trying to resist the urge to taste him. I didn’t want to be “that girl” who went down on her lover in public. But right then and there, I couldn’t blame “her.” Killian was damn hard to resist.