I Love You Again

by Khardine Gray

  He thought about everything, absolutely everything.

  He thought of the ring in his suitcase, and his stomach churned with frustration and the tension he’d allowed to build within his soul.

  Brad had never been able to get over Trina, and what the hell was he to do now.

  "Brad," Trina’s soft voice broke into his thoughts.

  He looked up and saw her standing at the door wearing one of those long T-shirts that brushed against the top of her thighs.

  “Hi,” he said.

  She walked into the room and came over to where he sat on the window ledge.

  “Are… are you okay?”

  It was evident that he wasn’t and he wouldn’t try to hide how he felt. He slipped his arm around her waist and held her before him.

  “I’m going to take a walk. I just need to get my head around stuff.”

  He’d intended that to be a way of assuring her so she wouldn’t worry but it was a poor attempt.

  “Why, what kind of stuff did you need to get your head around?” She gazed up at him. Looking deeply into his eyes, searching for an answer. “Do you… regret last night?”

  His heart ached when a tear ran down her cheek.

  “No baby, no. Don’t you ever think that. You…” he held his breath and looked her over. “You’re the very best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  “You too, for me.”

  He shook his head. “No. I’m not.” That was just the problem. No matter what he felt for her he was never the best thing, or the best person for her.

  Back when her father told him he should leave her alone, and that the last thing he wanted was for his baby girl to end up with a loser like Brad, that hurt.

  But not as much as it did now. The wound that Jim unleashed on him years ago had only festered and grew into something that cut a hole in Brad’s soul. Just because he’d had changed and reformed his ways didn’t mean he wasn’t still a loser, and he’d broken that promise.

  Broken it, and disrespected Jim in every way possible just with last night alone.

  He let her go and stood up, towering her petite frame with his height.

  “Brad, why are you saying that?” Another tear ran down her cheek.

  "I wasn't thinking last night. I wasn't thinking straight, or at all."

  "I was thinking," she declared. "I knew exactly what I was doing. You did too."

  "No.” he shook his head. “You mustn't go down this path Trina. I promised your father I would leave you alone. He didn’t want me to be with you.”

  "Brad, my father is dead. And no matter what he thought he had no right to send you away from me."

  He hated to upset her but he couldn’t think straight himself.

  "I...I have to go.”

  "Why?" she breathed.

  "I just have to."

  The hurt that filled her eyes made him feel worse, and torn in so many ways. And tormented. He wanted her, wanted to be with her. Still felt the same way as he always did, but his mind was too clouded right now to talk about how he felt.

  Besides, talking would lead to explaining everything in its entirety and that would just open up more wounds for them both.

  Before she could say anything else, he walked away.

  Trina was fooling herself if she thought she could ignore the strength of her feelings for Brad that would always exist within her heart, mind, and soul. She was fooling herself if she thought she could deny it and any attempt to remind herself that they weren't a couple anymore.

  Last night had changed everything and awakened something within her that she thought had died. She’d felt her blood coursing through her veins zinging vitality throughout her body. It was divine ecstasy that made her realize that all these years she kept a part of him with her.

  Her whole body had ignited from the first moment Brad kissed her. It was like a magical blast of desire, and passion that was out of this world. It reminded her that she'd only ever felt that way when she was with him, and there was a very strong chance that she only ever would. There wouldn’t be anyone else for her.

  That hole she felt within her heart sealed up the minute he touched her and made her feel like she was eighteen again. When she thought she had everything because she had him.

  Trina watched Brad walk away from her.

  Her skin still burned from the anxiety and rush of desperation she felt to keep him here. She slumped against the wall and continued to stare long after she’d heard him go down the stairs, and out the front door.

  She had to admit, she felt mad at him, but not for walking away. She felt mad because she couldn’t believe he felt he had to keep that stupid promise to her father.

  It shouldn’t be about her father anymore. Her father had done what he felt was best, screwed with them both and messed with their lives. However, they’d talked, and she felt that they’d crossed that bridge. She thought that last night meant they’d moved past the past, but she was wrong. It wouldn’t have mattered if she didn’t feel anything for him, but God she still loved Brad.

  She’d heard of this happening. Of people being apart for years and just stepping back into the shoes of love they used to wear as if nothing had happened. That was what it felt like. Trina just never thought it would happen to her.

  Maybe she was seeing too much into it and should just put it down to a night of really great sex, but then that was just it that wasn’t just sex.

  She knew the difference. What they did was more than that, so much more. It was outside of some hook up for old times sake, outside of love. It was what happened when two people who loved each other were reunited after years of being apart.

  That’s what it was for her, and she felt it was the same for Brad. That was why his behavior this morning was questionable.

  Maybe there was more to it than what he’d said.

  Or, maybe they just…weren’t meant to be.

  The thought pained her soul.

  Brad made his way to the other side of the island and stayed on the beach there watching the surfers ride the waves. He'd surf too if he were in a better mood.

  Right now, he felt torn and confused.

  Right now, he felt like the world had shifted around him and everything he'd built up over the last eleven years was on a shaky foundation.

  When Brad made his promise to Jim, he was only thinking of Trina. She was all that he'd thought about. Jim had to have known that he’d keep his promise because he knew how much he loved Trina.

  However, by promising to stay out of her life, he robbed himself of the one person who'd given his life any form of value.

  Growing up, Jim had been great with him, but when he sent him away, he'd acted no differently than Brad's parents.

  Brad knew he was trouble. He knew he didn't have the best reputation in the world, but he wanted to change. He wished Jim would have given him a chance. He wished Jim had given him some sort of guidance, or damn even told him he couldn't marry his daughter until he changed.

  But no, he didn't. He just wanted Brad gone, and that money he gave him felt like he bought his decision.

  After Jim had died, Brad paid it back. He gave it to Jim's cousin and made sure it all went to Trina, as it rightly should. He didn't want to feel like he'd been paid to leave. While Jim might not have intended it that way, it felt like that.

  It was a hard thing to come to terms with a man telling you that his dying wish was for you to stay away from his daughter. It was harsh and crude, and could only be compared to having your heart ripped from you. Since that day, only despair had dwelled in the ruins of his soul.

  Brad wondered what Jim must have told Trina after. Did he lie and say he just left, maybe that he was no good? Or did he not say anything?

  "So, this is where you are." Neil's voice brought him out of his deep thoughts. Brad turned to see him standing behind him. He rocked back on his heels and tipped his straw hat.

  "Hey," Brad continued to watch him. "Why are you here?"

&n
bsp; "Trina. She called me. She sounded really worried, so I thought I'd come and find you."

  Brad sighed and looked away. "You didn't have to do that."

  "Well, I know you. You only retreat to the hills if you're troubled about something." Neil smiled and sat next to Brad on the sand.

  "Did she tell you what happened?"

  Neil shook his head. "I was saving that part for you. I guessed it had to be something big."

  "I … slept with her." Brad was always open and honest with Neil. They never kept anything from each other, so he wouldn’t start doing that now.

  "And that's a bad thing because?" Neil narrowed his eyes at him.

  "Because Neil, I promised her father I'd stay away from her."

  "Isn't he kind of not around anymore?" Jauntily, he cocked his dark head to one side.

  "That’s not the point." In spite of how Brad felt he still had great respect for Jim and appreciated all he did for him.

  “Okay, so what is?” Neil looked at him with expectancy.

  Brad really didn’t want to talk about it, but this was Neil. He was the friend he could tell anything. The kind of guy who would never judge, and would always be there for him when he needed him most.

  “He made me feel like a complete loser Neil. That kind of feeling doesn’t just go away. You didn’t know me back then, and while I was never a bad guy I didn’t do good things.”

  “Bro, you do great things now. I’ve seen you. I have first hand knowledge of how you are.”

  “Her father’s dying wish was for me to leave her alone. Being with her last night made me feel like I completely disrespected him, and like I have no right being with someone like her. Neil, I was going to ask her to marry me. I stole a fucking ring. I’ve never felt like that about anyone, and he told me I couldn’t be with her.”

  Shit, this was all so messed up, and anger boiled within him the more he thought about it. He was angry with himself and angry that no matter how much he wanted to blame Jim, it was still Brad’s fault.

  And, fuck it, while he knew he had no right, he was angry that Jim never gave him a chance. Brad would have realized the gravity of the situation, and that the penalty was losing Trina if Jim had simply threatened to stop him from seeing her. But telling him to leave and making him promise to stay away had taken it to another level. Not only was it harsh, but it was cruel. It was evil.

  Jim had in essence broken up two people who’d been together for thirteen years, and loved each other fiercely. Despite his worries, he must have known that they’d end up being affected by the whole messed up idea.

  Neil looked at him for a few silent moments then rested his hand on his shoulder with a sigh. "Brad. Only you can come to terms with this whole thing. It sounds to me like you still love Trina.”

  “I do,” he replied quickly. “I never stopped. Not once, not ever. I tried to forget her, and when I eventually met someone who I might have felt like I could be with I felt like I was cheating on Trina. Neil, it was horrible.”

  His mind ran on Becca Wailer, a bar maid he’d met in Chicago. She was nice, and definitely the kind of woman you’d dream of having in your life. She was really into him, in fact he knew she loved him, but he couldn’t love her back.

  She was devastated when he broke it off with her, and she couldn’t understand why. And, there was no way he could have told her that he broke up with her because he still loved his ex-girlfriend of whom he’d had no contact with for five years at the time.

  When it came to Trina it was always love, no matter how much he suppressed the damn emotion. It was always there lurking in the background taunting him and telling him that she was it for him.

  “My friend, if you love her it doesn’t matter what her father thinks, or anyone else for the matter. I know how much you valued her father and wanted to do right by him, but he’s dead. And, I seriously doubt that if he knew the man you are today he’d send you away. You're the best guy I know. So good, I asked you to be my best man on the most important day of my life. You work hard, you're a great friend, and you're honest, loyal, and trustworthy."

  Brad was in awe at Neil’s words, appreciating him and the friendship they shared. "I appreciate that a lot. I really do. The whole situation has just left me feeling so raw and angry. I kept that promise religiously."

  "Yeah you did. You stayed away and now she's all grown up with her accomplishments. That promise is done and dusted. It seriously doesn't matter what her father thinks now. The only opinions here that matter are yours and Trina’s. So, fuck the promise.” Neil laughed nodding.

  Brad thought about what he was saying.

  Fuck the promise.

  Could it be that simple? Could he just forget it happened? It existed for so long that it had become a part of his life.

  “Ask yourself what you want man.” Neil prodded and rested his hand down on the sand.

  Brad looked away into the distance. The question of what he wanted was simple.

  He wanted Trina, now more than ever. More than anything he’d ever wanted in his life. More than life itself.

  So yes, fuck the promise. Neil was right. Neil was damn right.

  That promise was done and dusted, just like the person he’d been in the past. The only opinions that mattered now were his and Trina's, and Brad was a better person now than he was back then.

  He was a grown man who had built a life for himself and now that he’d put things into perspective he knew there was no fucking way he was going to go back to the way things were, without Trina in his life.

  She looked so hurt when he left this morning, and the fact that she'd called Neil was evidence of her worry.

  On that thought something surged through him, fueling him with a newfound strength and determination he'd never felt before.

  "Thank you, Neil," he said rising to his feet.

  Neil nodded with an approving smile. "You're welcome bro. Now go get your girl."

  Trina sat in the armchair by the window watching the rain pour. The trees swayed angrily in the wind, and everything looked bleak and foreboding. It was amazing how the weather could change the scenery and the mood. What looked like paradise yesterday looked far from it today.

  Brad had been gone for hours now, and she didn't know where he was. Neil said he'd try to contact him when she called, but she didn't know if he managed to.

  She hadn't meant to call Neil. Trina was genuinely worried and knew that speaking to Jennifer would lead to her breaking down from the weight of emotions that weakened her.

  Now it was getting late again and her day had been spent in this chair thinking about Brad.

  She jumped at the sound of the front door opening and stood up when Brad came in drenched from the rain. His hair was plastered to his scalp, and his white t-shirt clung to his skin making it see-through so she could see the ripple of muscle beneath the cotton and the outline of Japanese characters tattooed onto his skin. He stopped a few paces before her and gazed at her.

  She opened her mouth to speak, but didn't know what to say.

  She was about to make another attempt when he reached for her and swooped down to capture her lips.

  Just like yesterday passion ignited and blazed across the surface of her skin. It spread from their lips and washed over her entire body setting her soul on fire. Waking it once again from its eleven-year slumber of not having him.

  She drank in the sweetness of him, mixed with want and need that consumed her as the kiss intensified.

  Natural instinct took over now, so she wrapped her legs around him when he lifted her up and carried her straight upstairs into his room.

  Unlike the crazy mix of emotion that took them the night before the only thing she felt now was love.

  Without words or any form of explanation they kissed each other’s clothes off and found their way to the bed. The moment her head touched the sheets he was inside her, filling her with the presence of himself in every way.

  Passion fused them together, creat
ing a life force of its’ own. It took over, filling their surroundings, filling them with exquisite harmony and liberation of mind, body and soul that was electrifying.

  They made love all night, riding the wave of the powerful sensation that sealed them together, yielding to the unspoken passion that claimed them.

  Chapter 10

  Brad held Trina close to his heart enjoying the feel of her in his arms. She moved as he pressed his head against the top of hers. He’d been enjoying the fragrant smell of roses that covered her silky hair, and wanted to get closer.

  He thought she was sleeping from the steady rise and fall of her breasts, but as she looked up at him he realized she was as awake as he was.

  “Are you okay?” he asked with a small smile. “I thought you were sleeping.”

  Damn he was tired. This was the second night now that he lost sleep. Tonight, however, was different to last night because he was actually too excited about being with her to sleep.

  Concern washed over her pretty face. “I was thinking,” came her soft reply.

  “Talk to me baby.” They hadn’t done much talking since he came back.

  “What will happen tomorrow?” Her voice sounded faint.

  “Today.” He corrected, trying to sound bright. It was nearly four a.m.

  “Today.” She breathed and ran her fingers slowly across his chest. He sat up alarmed when a small tear ran down her cheek.

  “Trina.” He took hold of her and helped her to sit too. “Baby, what’s the matter?”

  She wiped away more tears. “Will you leave me again? And, what about after the wedding, will that be it? Will this be it?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “No, Trina. This won’t be it.” The warmth he felt surging within his heart as he looked at her was unreal. He felt like a new, new person filled with determination. There was no way on this earth that he was going to deny himself of her ever again, and he promised himself that he was going to do everything to make up for all the distress and disappointment he'd ever caused her. Everything. This was a promise to her, because she meant everything to him.