MA02 Myth Conceptions

by Robert Asprin

  “ ... And a salamander,” I added.

  “Gus is still bumming around with Berfert?” Aahz asked, brightening slightly. “That’s a plus.”

  “The only really uncertain factor,” I said thoughtfully, “is the Gremlin.”

  “How do you figure that?” Aahz yawned.

  “Well, he’s been following Ajax. The question is, why? And will he follow us to Klah?”

  “Kid,” Aahz said solemnly, “I’ve told you before. There are no such things as Gremlins.”

  “But Aahz, I saw him.”

  “Don’t let it bother you, kid,” Aahz sympathized. “After a day like you’ve been through, I wouldn’t be surprised if you saw a Jabberwocky.”

  “What’s a ...”

  “Is everything set?” Tanda asked, joining our conversation.

  “About as set as we’ll ever be,” Aahz sighed. “Though, if you want my honest opinion, with a crew like this, we’re set more for a zoo than a war.”

  “Aahz is a bit critical of my choice in recruits,” I confided.

  “What’s your gripe, Aahz?” she asked cocking her head. “I thought you and Gus were old foxhole buddies.”

  “I’m not worried about Gus,” Aahz put in hastily. “Or Berfert either. That little lizard’s terrific under fire.”

  “Well I can vouch for Ajax,” Tanda informed him. “Don’t let his age fool you. I’d rather have him backing my move than a whole company of counterfeit archers.”

  “Is he really from Archiah?” Aahz asked skeptically.

  “That’s what he’s said as long as I’ve known him,” Tanda shrugged. ‘‘And, after seeing him shoot, I’ve got no reason to doubt it. Why?”

  “I’ve never met a genuine Archer before,” Aahz explained. “For a while I was willing to believe the whole dimension was a legend. Well, if he can shoot half as well as Archers are supposed to, I’ve got no gripes having him on the team.”

  I started to feel a little better. Unfortunately, Aahz noticed my smile.

  “The Imp is another story,” he said grimly. “I’m not wild about working with any Imp, but to hire one without powers is a waste of good money.”

  “Don’t forget he’s an Assassin,” Tanda pointed out. “Powers or no powers, I’ll bet we find a use for him. When we were talking with the Gremlin just now ...”

  “Now, don’t you start on that!” Aahz snarled.

  “Start on what?” Tanda blinked.

  “The Gremlin bit,” Aahz scowled. “Any half-wit knows there are no such things as Gremlins.”

  “Do you want to tell him that?” Tanda smiled. “I’ll call him over here and ... oh, rats! He’s gone again.”

  “If you’re quite through,” Aahz grumbled, rising from his chair, “we’d best get going. There’s a war waiting for us, you know.”

  “Oops! That reminds me!” Tanda exclaimed, fishing inside her tunic.

  “I know I shouldn’t ask,” Aahz signed. “But what ...”

  “Here!” Tanda announced, flipping him a familiar object.

  It was a metal rod about eight inches long and two inches in diameter with a button on one end of it.

  “A D-Hopper!” I cried, recognizing the device instantly.

  “It’s the same one you gave Isstvan,” Tanda smiled proudly. “I lifted it from him when we parted company. You’ll probably want to undo whatever you did to the controls before you use it, though.”

  “If I can remember for sure,” Aahz scowled, staring at the device.

  “I thought it might come in handy in case we get separated on this job and you need a fast exit,” Tanda shrugged.

  “The thought’s appreciated,” Aahz smiled, putting an arm around her.

  “Does this mean you’ll be able to teach me how to travel the dimensions?” I asked hopefully.

  “Not now I won’t,” Aahz grimaced. “We’ve got a war to fight, remember?”

  “Oh! Yes, of course.”

  “Well, get your troops together and let’s go,” Aahz ordered.

  “Okay,” I agreed, rising from my chair. “I’ll get Gleep and ... wait a minute! Did you say my troops?”

  “You hired ‘em, you lead ‘em,” my mentor smiled.

  “But you’re ...”

  “I’ll be your military advisor, of course,” Aahz continued casually. “But the job of Fearless Leader is all yours. You’re the court magician, remember?”

  I swallowed hard. Somehow, this had never entered into my plans.

  “But what do I do?” I asked desperately.

  “Well,” Aahz drawled, “first, I’d advise you to move ‘em outside so we can all head for Klah together ... that is, unless you’re willing to leave your dragon behind.”

  That didn’t even deserve an answer. I turned to face the troops, sweeping them with what I hoped was a masterful gaze which would immediately command their attention.

  No one noticed. They were all involved in a jovial conversation.

  I cleared my throat noisily.

  Nothing.

  I considered going over to their table.

  “Listen up!” Aahz barked suddenly, scaring me half to death.

  The conversation stopped abruptly and all heads swiveled my way.

  “Aah ...”I began confidently. “We’re ready to go now. Everybody outside. Wait for me by the dragon.”

  “Right, boss!” Brockhurst called, starting for the door.

  “I’ll be a minute, youngster,” Ajax wheezed, struggling to rise.

  “Here, Gramps,” Gus said. “Let me give you a hand.”

  “Name’s not Gramps, it’s Ajax!” the Archer scowled.

  “Just trying to be helpful,” the gargoyle apologized.

  “I kin stand up by myself,” Ajax insisted. “Just ‘cause I’m old don’t mean I’m helpless.”

  I glanced to Aahz for help, but he and Tanda were already headed out.

  As I turned back to Ajax, I thought I caught a glimpse of a small, blue figure slipping out through the door ahead of us. If it was the Gremlin, he was nowhere in sight when I finally reached the street.

  FORTUNATELY, the army had not moved from the position it held when we left for Deva. I say fortunately because Aahz pointed out that they might well have renewed their advance in our absence. If that had happened, we would have returned to find ourselves behind the enemy lines, if not actually in the middle of one of their encampments.

  Of course, he pointed this out to me after we had arrived back on Klah. Aahz is full of helpful little tidbits of information, but his timing leaves a lot to be desired.

  Ajax lost no time upon our arrival. Moving with a briskness which denied his years, he strung his bow and stood squinting at the distant encampments.

  “Well, youngster,” he asked, never taking his eyes from the enemy’s formations, “what’s my first batch of targets?”

  His eagerness took me a bit aback, but Aahz covered for me neatly.

  “First,” he said loftily, “we’ll have to hold a final planning session.”

  “We didn’t expect to have you along, Ajax,” Tanda added. “Having a genuine Archer on our side naturally calls for some drastic revisions of our battle plans.”

  “Don’t bother me none,” Ajax shrugged. “Just wanted ta let you know I was ready to earn my keep. Take yer time. Seen too many wars mess up ‘cause nobody bothered to do any plannin’! If ya don’t mind, though, think I’ll take me a little nap. Jes’ holler when ya want some shootin’ done.”

  “Ah ... go ahead, Ajax,” I agreed.

  Without further conversation, Ajax plopped down and pulled his cloak a bit closer about him. Within a few minutes, he was snoring lightly, but I noticed his bow was still in his grip.

  “Now there’s a seasoned soldier,” Aahz observed, “Gets his sleep when and
where he can.”

  “You want me to do a little scouting, boss?” Gus asked.

  “Um ...”I hesitated, glancing quickly at Aahz. Aahz caught my look and gave a small nod.

  “Sure, Gus,” I finished. “We’ll wait for you here.”

  “I’ll scout in the other direction,” Brockhurst volunteered.

  “Okay,” I nodded. “Aahz, can you give ‘em a quick briefing?”

  I was trying to drop the load in Aahz’s lap, but he joined the conversation as smoothly as if we had rehearsed it this way.

  “There are a couple things we need specific information on,” he said solemnly. “First, we need a battlefield, small, with scattered cover. Gus, you check that out. You know what we’re going to need. Brockhurst, see what specific information you can bring back on the three nearest encampments.”

  Both scouts nodded briskly.

  “And both of you, stay out of sight,” Aahz warned. “The information’s no good to us if you don’t come back.”

  “C’mon, Aahz,” Gus admonished. “What have they got that can put a dent in the old rock?”

  He demonstrated by smashing his forearm into a sapling. The tree went down, apparently without affecting the gargoyle’s arm in the slightest.

  “I don’t know,” Aahz admitted. “And I don’t want to know, yet. You’re one of our surprise weapons. No point in giving the enemy an advance warning. Get my meaning?”

  “Got it, Aahz,” Gus nodded, and lumbered off.

  “Be back in a bit,” Brockhurst waved, heading off in the opposite direction.

  “Now that we’ve got a minute,” I murmured to Aahz as I returned Brockhurst’s wave, “would you mind telling me what our final plan is? I don’t even know what the preliminary plans were.”

  “That’s easy,” Aahz replied. “We don’t have one ... yet.”

  “Well, when are we going to form one?” I asked with forced patience.

  “Probably on the battlefield,” Aahz yawned. “Until then it’s pointless. There’re too many variables.”

  “Wouldn’t it be a good idea to have at least a general idea as to what we’re going to do before we wander out on the battlefield?” I insisted. “It would do a lot for my peace of mind.”

  “Oh, I’ve already got a general idea as to what we’ll be doing,” Aahz admitted.

  “Isn’t he sweet?” Tanda grimaced. “Would you mind sharing it with us, Aahz? We’ve got a stake in this, too.”

  “Well,” he began lazily, “the name of the game is delay and demoralize. The way I figure it, we aren’t going to overpower them. We haven’t got enough going for us to even try that.”

  I bit back a sarcastic observation and let him continue.

  “Delay and demoralize we should be able to do, though,” Aahz smiled. “Right off the bat, we’ve got two big weapons going for us in that kind of a fight.”

  “Ajax and Gus,” I supplied helpfully.

  “Fear and bureaucracy,” Aahz corrected.

  “How’s that again?” Tanda frowned.

  “Tanda, my girl,” Aahz smiled, “you’ve been spoiled by your skylarking through the dimensions. You’ve forgotten how the man on the street thinks. The average person in any dimension doesn’t know the first thing about magik, particularly about its limitations. If the kid here tells ‘em he can make the sun stop or trees grow upside down, they’ll believe him. Particularly if he’s got a few strange characters parading around as proof of his power, and I think you’ll have to admit, the crew he’s got backing him this time around is pretty strange.”

  “What’s bureaucracy?” I asked, finally getting a word in edgewise.

  “Red tape ... the system,” Aahz informed me. “The organization to get things done that keeps things from getting done. In this case, it’s called the chain-of-command. An army the size of the one we’re facing has to function like a well-oiled machine or it starts tripping over its own feet. I’m betting if we toss a couple handfuls of sand into its gears, they’ll spend more time fighting each other than chasing us.”

  This was one of the first times Aahz had actually clarified something he said. I wish he hadn’t. I was more confused than I had been before.

  “Urn ... how are we going to do all this?” I asked.

  “We’ll be able to tell better after you’ve had your first war council,” Aahz shrugged.

  ‘‘Aren’t we having it now?”

  “I meant with the enemy,” Aahz scowled. “Sometime in the near future, you’re going to have to sit down with one of their officers and decide how this war’s going to be fought.”

  “Me?” I blinked.

  “You are the leader of the defenses, remember?” Aahz grinned at me.

  “It’s part of the job, handsome,” Tanda confirmed.

  “Wait a minute,” I interrupted. “It just came to me. I think I have a better idea.”

  “This I’ve got to hear,” Aahz grinned.

  “Shut up, Aahz,” Tanda ordered, poking him in the ribs. “What ‘cha got, handsome?”

  “We’ve got a couple of trained assassins on our side, don’t we?” I observed. “Why don’t we just put ‘em to work? If enough officers suddenly turn up dead, odds are the army will fall apart. Right?”

  “It won’t work, kid,” Aahz announced bluntly.

  “Why not?”

  “We can bend the rules, but we can’t break ‘em,” Aahz explained. “Wars are fought between the troops. Killing off the officers without engaging their troops goes against tradition. I doubt if your own force would stand still for it. Old troopers like Ajax would have no part of a scheme like that.”

  “He’s right,” Tanda confirmed. “Assassins take contracts on individuals in personal feuds, not against the general staff of an army.”

  “But it would be so easy,” I insisted.

  “Look at it this way, kid,” Aahz put in. “If you could do it, they could do it. The way things are now, you’re exempt from assassins. Would you really want to change that?”

  “What do I say in a war council?” I asked.

  “I’ll brief you on that when the time comes,” Aahz reassured me. “Right now we have other things to plan.”

  “Such as what?” Tanda asked.

  “Such as what to do about those signal towers,” Aahz retorted, jerking his head at one of the distant structures. “We probably won’t have time to break their code, so the next best thing is to disrupt their signals somehow. Now, you said you picked up some special effects items back at the Bazaar. Have you got anything we could use on the signal towers?”

  “I’m not sure,” Tanda frowned thoughtfully. “I wish you had said something about that before I went shopping.”

  “What about Ajax?” I suggested.

  “What about him?” Aahz countered.

  “How close would he have to be to the towers to disrupt things with his archery?”

  “I don’t know,” Aahz shrugged. “Why don’t you ask him?”

  Eager to follow up on my own suggestion, I squatted down next to the dozing bowman.

  “Urn ... Ajax,” I called softly.

  “What ‘cha need, youngster?” the old man asked, coming instantly awake.

  “Do you see those signal towers?” I asked, pointing at the distant structures.

  Ajax rose to his feet and squinted in the indicated direction.

  “Sure can,” he nodded.

  “We ... um ... I was wondering,” I explained. “Can you use your bow to disrupt their signals?”

  In response, Ajax drew an arrow from beneath his cloak, cocked it, and let fly before I could stop him.

  The shaft disappeared in the direction of the nearest tower. With sinking heart, I strained my eyes trying to track its flight.

  There was a man standing on the tower’s platform, h
is standard leaning against the railing beside him. Suddenly, his standard toppled over, apparently breaking off a hand-span from its crosspiece. The man bent and retrieved the bottom portion of the pole, staring with apparent confusion at the broken end.

  “Any other targets?” Ajax asked.

  He was leaning casually on his bow, his back to the tower. He hadn’t even bothered watching to see if his missile struck its mark.

  “Um ... not just now, Ajax,” I assured him. “Go back to sleep.”

  “Fine by me, sonny,” Ajax smiled, resettling himself. “They’ll be plenty of targets tomorrow:”

  “How do you figure that?” I asked.

  “According to that signal I just cut down,” he grinned, “the army’s fixin’ to move out tomorrow.”

  “You can read the signals?” I blinked.

  “Sure,” Ajax nodded. “There’re only about eight different codes armies use and I know ‘em all. It’s part of my trade.”

  ‘‘And they’re moving out tomorrow?” I pressed.

  “That’s what I said,” the bowman scowled. “What’s the matter, are you deaf?”

  “No,” I assured him hastily. “It just changes our plans is all. Go back to sleep.”

  Returning to our little conference, I found Aahz and Tanda engrossed in a conversation with Brockhurst.

  “Bad news, kid,” Aahz informed me. “Brockhurst here says the army’s going to move out tomorrow.”

  “I know,” I said. “I just found out from Ajax. Can you read the signal flags too, Brockhurst?”

  “Naw,” the Imp admitted. “But the Gremlin can.”

  “What Gremlin?” Aahz bared his teeth,

  “He was here a minute ago,” Brockhurst scowled, looking around.

  “Well, handsome,” Tanda Sighed, eyeing me. “I think we just ran out of planning time. Better call your dragon. I think we’re going to need all the help we can get tomorrow.”

  Gleep had wandered off shortly after our arrival, though we could still hear him occasionally as he poked about in the underbrush.

  “You go get the dragon, Tanda,” Aahz ordered. “Though it escapes me how he’s supposed to be am help. The ‘boss’ here and I have to discuss his war council tomorrow.”

  Any confidence I might have built up listening to Aahz’s grand plan earlier fled me. Tanda was right. We had run out of time.