MA02 Myth Conceptions

by Robert Asprin

  “But the king ...”Badaxe stammered.

  “ ... doesn’t have to be bothered with it at all,” Aahz purred. “Unless, of course, you deem it necessary to tell him where your new battle plans are coming from.”

  “Hmm,” the general said thoughtfully. “You sure you’d be happy with things that way, Julie?”

  “Positive!” Julie nodded firmly. “I don’t want any glory, no responsibility, and no credit. I had too much of that when I was workin’ for the Empire, you know what I mean? Me and the boys talked it over, and we decided ...”

  “The boys?” Badaxe interrupted, frowning.

  “Um ... that’s another thing we forgot to mention, General,” I smiled. “Big Julie isn’t the only new addition to Possiltum’s citizenry.”

  I jerked my head at the circle of men holding back the crowd. The general blinked at the men, then swiveled his head around noting how many more like them were scattered through the crowd. He blanched as it became clear to him both where the Empire’s army had disappeared to, and why his men had been unsuccessful in stopping our return to the capital.

  “You mean to tell me you ...”Badaxe began.

  “Happy Possiltum citizens all, General!” Aahz proclaimed, and then dropped his voice to a more confidential level. “I think you’ll find that if you should ever have to draft an army, these new citizens will train a lot faster than your average plow pusher. You know what I mean?”

  Apparently the general did. His eyes glittered at the thought of the new force we had placed at his command. I could see him mentally licking his chops in anticipation of the next war.

  “Big Julie!” he declared with a broad smile. “You and your ... er ... boys are more than welcome to settle here in Possiltum. Let me be one of the first to congratulate you on your new citizenship.”

  He extended his hand, but there was an obstruction in his way. The obstruction’s name was J. R. Grimble.

  “Just a moment!” the chancellor snarled. “There’s one minor flaw in your plans. It is my intention to advise the king to disband Possiltum’s army.”

  “What?” roared Badaxe.

  “Let me handle this, General,” Aahz soothed. “Grimble, what would you want to do a fool thing like that for?”

  “Why, because of the magician, of course,” the chancellor blinked. “You’ve demonstrated he is quite capable of defending the kingdom without the aid of an army, so I see no reason why we should continue to bear the cost of maintaining one.”

  “Nonsense!” Aahz scolded. “Do you think the great Skeeve has nothing to do with his time but guard your borders? Do you want to tie up your high-cost magician doing the job a low-cost soldier could do?”

  “Well ...” Grimble scowled.

  “Besides,” Aahz continued. “Skeeve will be spending considerable time on the road furthering his studies ... which will, of course, increase his value to Possiltum. Who will guard your kingdom while he’s away, if not the army?”

  “But the cost is ...”Grimble whined.

  “If anything,” Aahz continued ignoring the chancellor’s protests. “I should think you’d want to expand your army now that your borders have increased in size.”

  “What’s that? Grimble blinked. “What about our borders?”

  “I thought it was obvious,” Aahz said innocently. ‘‘All these new citizens have to settle somewhere ... and there is a lot of land up for grabs just north of here. As I understand it, it’s completely unguarded at the moment. Possiltum wouldn’t even have to fight for it, just move in and settle. That is, of course, provided you have a strong army to hold it once you’ve got it.”

  “Hmm,” the chancellor said thoughtfully, stroking his chin with his hand.

  “Then again,” Aahz murmured quietly. “There’s all the extra tax money the new citizens and land will contribute to the exchanger.”

  “Big Julie!” Grimble beamed. “I’d like to welcome you and your men to Possiltum.”

  “I’m welcoming him first!” Badaxe growled. “He’s my advisor.”

  As he spoke, the general dropped his hand to the hilt of his axe, a move which was not lost on the chancellor.

  “Of course, General,” Grimble acknowledged, forcing a grin. “I’ll just wait here until you’re through. There are a few things I want to discuss with our new citizens.”

  “While you’re waiting, Grimble,” Aahz smiled. “There are a few things we have to discuss with you.”

  “Such as what?” the chancellor scowled.

  “Such as the Court Magician’s pay!” my mentor retorted.

  “Of course,” Grimble laughed. ‘‘As soon as we’re done here we’ll go inside and I’ll pay him his first month’s wages.”

  ‘‘Actually,’’ Aahz drawled. “What we wanted to discuss was an increase.”

  The chancellor stopped laughing.

  “You mean a bonus, don’t you?” he asked hopefully. “I’m sure we can work something out, considering ...”

  “I mean an increase!” Aahz corrected firmly. “C’mon, Grimble. The kingdom’s bigger now. That means the magician’s job is bigger and deserves more pay.”

  “I’m not sure I can approve that,” the chancellor responded cagily.

  “With the increase of your tax base,” Aahz pressed, “I figure you can afford ...”

  “Now let’s be careful,” Grimble countered. “Our overhead has gone up right along with that increase. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if ...”

  “C’mon, Gleep,” I murmured to my pet. “Let’s go see Buttercup.”

  I had a feeling the wage debate was going to last for a while.

  I WAS SPENDING a leisurely afternoon killing time in my immense room within the palace.

  The bargaining session between Aahz and Grimble had gone well for us. Not only had I gotten a substantial wage increase, I was also now housed in a room which was only a little smaller than Grimble’s, which, in turn, was second only to the king’s in size. What was more; the room had a large window, which was nice even if it did look out over the stables. Aahz had insisted on this, hinting darkly that I might be receiving winged visitors in the night. I think this scared me more than it did Grimble, but I got my window.

  When I chose, I could look down from my perch and keep an eye on Gleep and Buttercup in the stables. I could also watch the hapless stable boy who had been assigned to catering to their every need. That had been part of the deal, too, though I had pushed for it a lot harder than Aahz.

  Aahz was housed in the adjoining room, which was nice though smaller than mine. The royal architects were scheduled to open a door in our shared wall, and I had a hunch that when they did, the room arrangement would change drastically. For the moment, at least, I had a bit of unaccustomed privacy.

  The room itself, however, was not what was currently commanding my attention. My mind was focused on Garkin’s old brazier. I had been trying all afternoon to unlock its secrets, thus far without success. It stood firmly in the center of the floor where I had first placed it, stubbornly resisting my efforts.

  I perched on my windowsill and studied the object glumly. I could levitate it easily enough, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted it to come alive and follow me around the way it used to follow Garkin.

  That triggered an idea in my mind. It seemed silly, but nothing else had worked.

  Drawing my eyebrows together, I addressed the brazier without focusing my energies on it.

  “Come here!” I thought.

  The brazier seemed to waiver for a moment, and then it trotted to my side, clacking across the floor on its spindly legs.

  It worked! Even though it was a silly little detail, the brazier’s obedience somehow made me feel more like a magician.

  “Hey, kid!” Aahz called barging through my door without knocking. “Have you got a corkscrew?”
r />   “What’s a corkscrew?” I asked reflexively.

  “Never mind,” My mentor sighed. “I’ll do it myself.” With that, he shifted the bottle of wine he was holding to his left hand, and inserted the claw on his right forefinger into the cork. The cork made a soft pop as he gently eased it from the neck of the bottle, whereupon the cork was casually tossed into a corner as Aahz drank deeply of the wine.

  ‘‘Ahh!’’ he gasped emerging for breath. “Terrific bouquet!”

  “Um ... Aahz?” I said shyly, leaving my window perch and moving to the table. “I have something to show you.”

  “First, could you answer a question?” Aahz asked.

  “What?” I frowned.

  “Why is that brazier following you around the room?”

  I looked, and was startled to find he was right! The brazier had scuttled from the window to the table to remain by my side. The strange part was that I hadn’t summoned it.

  “Um ... that’s what I was going to show you,” I admitted. “I’ve figured out how to get the brazier to come to me all by itself ... no levitation or anything.”

  “Swell,” Aahz grimaced. “Now, can you make it stop?”

  “Um ... I don’t know,” I said, sitting down quickly in one of the chairs.

  I didn’t want to admit it, but while we were talking I had tried several mental commands to get the brazier to go away, all without noticeable effect. I’d have to work this out on my own once Aahz had left.

  “Say, Aahz,” I said casually, propping my feet on the table. “Could you pour me some of that wine?”

  Aahz cocked my eyebrow at me, and then crossed the room slowly to stand by my side.

  “Kid,” he said gently. “I want you to look around real carefully. Do you see anybody here except you and me?”

  “No,” I admitted.

  “Then we’re in private, not in public ... right?” he smiled.

  “That’s right,” I agreed.

  “Then get your own wine, apprentice!” he roared, kicking my chair out from under me.

  Actually, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. I exerted my mind before I hit the floor and hovered safely on thin air. From that position, I reached out with my mind and lifted the bottle from Aahz’s hand, transferring it to my own.

  “If you insist,” I said casually taking a long pull on the bottle.

  “Think you’re pretty smart, don’t you!” Aahz snarled, and then he grinned. “Well, I guess you are, at that. You’ve done pretty well ... for an amateur.”

  ‘‘A professional,” I corrected. ‘‘A salaried professional.”

  “I know,” Aahz grinned back. “For an amateur, you’re pretty smart. For a professional you’ve got a lot to learn.”

  “C’mon, Aahz!” I protested.

  “… But that can wait for another day,” Aahz conceded. “You might as well relax for a while and enjoy yourself ... while you can.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I frowned.

  “Nothing!” Aahz shrugged innocently. “Nothing at all.”

  “Wait a minute, Aahz,” I said sharply, regaining my feet. “I’m a court magician now, right?”

  “That’s right, Skeeve,” my mentor nodded.

  “Court magician is the job you pushed me into because it’s so easy, right?” I pressed.

  “Right again, kid,” He smiled, his nodding becoming even more vigorous.

  “Then nothing can go wrong? Nothing serious?” I asked anxiously.

  Aahz retrieved his wine bottle and took a long swallow before answering.

  “Just keep thinking that, kid,” he grinned. “It’ll help you sleep nights.”

  “C’mon, Aahz!” I whined. “You’re supposed to be my teacher. If there’s something I’m missing, you’ve got to tell me. Otherwise I won’t learn.”

  “Very well, apprentice,” Aahz smiled, evilly emphasizing the word. “There are a few things you’ve overlooked.”

  “Such as?” I asked, writhing under his smile.

  “Such as Gus, Ajax, and Brockhurst, who you just sent back to Deva without instructions.”

  “Instructions?” I blinked.

  “Tanda we don’t have to worry about, but the other three ...”

  “Wait a minute, Aahz.” I interrupted before he got too far from the subject. “What instructions?”

  “Instructions not to talk about our little skirmish here.” Aahz clarified absently. “Tanda will know enough to keep her mouth shut, but the others won’t.”

  “You think they’ll talk?”

  “Is a frog’s behind watertight?” Aahz retorted.

  “What’s a frog?” I countered.

  “Money in their pockets, fresh from a successful campaign against overwhelming odds ... of course they’ll talk!” Aahz thundered. “They’ll talk their fool heads off to anyone who’ll listen. What’s more, they’ll embellish it a little more with each telling until it sounds like they’re the greatest fighters ever to spit teeth and you’re the greatest tactician since Gronk!”

  “What’s wrong with that?” I inquired, secretly pleased. I didn’t know who Gronk was, but what Aahz was saying had a nice ring to it.

  “Nothing at all.” Aahz responded innocently. “Except now the word will be out as to who you are, where you are, and what you are ... also that you’re for hire and that you subcontract. If there’s any place in all the dimensions that folks will take note of information like that, it’s the Bazaar.”

  Regardless of what my mentor may think, I’m not slow. I realized in a flash the implications of what he was saying ... realized them and formulated an answer.

  “So we suddenly get a lot of strange people dropping in on us to offer jobs, or looking for work.” I acknowledged. “So what? All that means is I get a lot of practice saying ‘No.’ Who knows, it might improve my status around here a little if it’s known that I regularly consult with strange beings from other worlds.”

  “Of course,” Aahz commented darkly, “there’s always the chance that someone at the Bazaar will hear that the other side is thinking of hiring you and decide to forcibly remove you from the roster. Either that or some young hotshot will want to make a name for himself by taking on this unbeatable magician everyone’s talking about.”

  I tried not to show how much his grim prophecy had unnerved me. Then I realized he would probably keep heaping it on until he saw me sweat. Consequently, I sweated ... visibly.

  “I hadn’t thought of that, Aahz.” I admitted. “I guess I did overlook something there.”

  “Then again, there’s Grimble and Badaxe.” Aahz continued as if he hadn’t heard me.

  “What about Grimble and Badaxe?” I asked nervously.

  “In my estimation,” Aahz yawned, “The only way those two would ever work together would be against a common foe. In my further estimation, the best candidate for that ‘common foe’ position is you!”

  “Me?” I asked in a very small voice.

  “You work it out, kid.” my mentor shrugged. “Until you hit the scene there was a two-way power struggle going as to who had the king’s ear. Then you came along, and not only saved the kingdom, you increased the population, expanded the borders, and added to the tax base. That makes you the most popular and therefore the most influential person in the king’s court. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think Grimble and Badaxe are going to just sigh and accept that. It’s my guess they’ll double-team you and attack anything you say or do militarily and monetarily, and that’s a tough one-two punch to counter.”

  “Okay. Okay. So there were two things I overlooked.” I interrupted. “Except for that ...”

  “And of course there’s the people Big Julie and his men owe money to.” Aahz commented thoughtfully. “I wonder how long it will be before they start nosing around looking for an explanation as to wh
at happened to an entire army? More important, I wonder who they’ll be looking for by name to provide them with that explanation?”

  ‘‘Aahz?’’

  “Yea, kid?”

  “Do you mind if I have a little more of that wine?”

  “Help yourself, kid. There’s lots.”

  I had a hunch that was going to be the best news I would hear for a long time.

  portrait by Phil Foglio

  Robert (Lynn) Asprin was the legendary creator of the long-running Myth series in which fantasy adventure meets comedy in a delightful pandemonium of magic and adventure. Asprin’s Phule’s Company saga, with its similarly irreverent look at military science fiction, was a New York Times bestseller. And with Lynn Abbey, he created the landmark, hugely-popular and long-running Thieves’ World fantasy series. A fan favorite at SF conventions and an active participant in Society for Creative Anachronism mayhem, Asprin passed away in 2008

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