by Debra Kayn
"I don't have—"
"Sh." His gaze softened. "You do, and so does everyone else. For the last five years, I've led everyone to believe I went crazy in prison. It happens to a lot of men, and nobody questioned the changes happening right in front of them. At first, I started talking to myself. Then I stopped talking altogether until other inmates stopped trying to get me to open up. I'd attack others for no reason and got a reputation that made others leery of me. I started enjoying my time in solitary, because inside, alone, I could turn away from the security cameras and be myself."
Her throat closed, and she swallowed. "I don't understand. Why would you turn away from everyone?"
"I had three reasons. One, because being crazy protected me. No one suspected the crazy man in the laundry room of killing the man who kidnapped his woman. No one questioned me when the Reds member who drove the car with Sarah in it to the border ended up with his throat sliced in his cell." Jacko held on to her tighter, making her listen when all she wanted to do was pull back and deny what he was telling her. "I've killed everyone involved that took Sarah from us, except for the last two men. They're still breathing and in a couple of weeks, their filth will no longer be contaminating your world."
She turned away. The room spun, and she closed her eyes. He'd confessed to murder. Not one or two, but more, plus the man the other night. In giving her the truth, he involved her in his plan to take out the others involved in Sarah's murder.
She pried her dry tongue off the roof of her mouth. "What's the second reason you decided to pretend you're crazy?"
"If I get caught and arrested I'll be considered criminally insane." He gazed around the living room and finally settled his eyes back to her. "Despite what my parents think, I did listen to my father and I used my experience while locked up inside to better myself. I became smarter, stronger, and had everyone doubting me, which I used to my advantage. Now, I know how to work the system better than my father does with his big, fat, attorney status after his name."
What he did was terribly wrong. Even worse, he showed no remorse or guilt. He'd calculated, planned, and executed his wishes.
He was a killer.
He'd killed all those people for Sarah.
She opened her eyes and walked over to the staircase. Peering up to the second story, she spotted a picture hanging on the wall. The portrait of a teenager hung crooked as if Jacko's parents bumped the frame in their hurry to leave. The shaggy hair— a sign of rebellion, fell practically over the eyes of the boy, but there was no mistaking the whisker-free face. Jacko's parents left the picture behind as well as their son.
In rebellion, he'd joined Moroad Motorcycle Club and found a new family. Many years later, he let Sarah into his life. Now, despite the awful treatment from his family, losing someone he loved, he gave Amy something to hold on to that was a part of him.
He gave her a part of himself he couldn't give Moroad. She held the truth and understood he was letting her decide his fate. She could walk out the door, and any law enforcement officer would love to hear what she could tell them. Families of the men he'd killed would sleep better at night knowing justice was served if Jacko was caught.
She turned away from the stairs and walked back into the living room. With the growing knowledge of why Jacko acted crazy, she faced him.
He stood beside the fireplace, his elbow propped on the river rock shelf. His gaze on her. His feet flat on the floor. He gave her patience and sanity, but there was no doubt that he was tense and ready to convince her to stay if she made a move for the door.
It was the change in him from crazy to strong that beat through her common sense and had her walking up to him and wrapping her arms around his waist. What he couldn't see was that he'd gone after the men who'd killed Sarah, not for revenge, but to hold on to someone who showed him attention.
Sarah lived life looking for the good and holding on tightly to what brought her happiness. He knew. She knew. It was worth being in her life for that reason alone in hopes Sarah would share her joy. Los Li, Reds...they took someone beautiful and loving, and in doing so removed another person from Jacko's life where he ended up alone.
She wouldn't and couldn't abandon him. He'd never had anyone who accepted him for who he was, a patient, reliable, and brilliant man. Those he trusted left him or failed to understand his need for acceptance.
She wanted to be the one person who never disappointed him.
"What's the third reason?" she asked.
He shook his head, giving her silence.
The knowledge of him still keeping himself from opening up to her pained her more than if he'd hurt her or betrayed her trust. She wanted that part of him he kept hidden behind a curtain of lunacy. A part of himself he never gave anyone, and she suspected he never would.
"Can you give me you when we're alone? I need to know the person you're giving me now, right here in this room, because I'll never be satisfied without all of you. The good. The bad. The crazy, and the not so crazy," she asked.
He tilted her face up and lowered his head. "I'll give you everything I'm capable of."
"Can you let me into your world and allow yourself to step into mine?"
He kissed the tip of her nose. "I can, but there's always going to be things I won't tell you. I need to protect you and to do that there're things about me, about my life, about my past decisions and actions that I will do whatever possible to keep from you."
"Why?
"Because what I've done will only hurt you, and that pain will kill anything you're feeling toward me." He paused. "I don't want you to suffer."
"You know what's crazy?" she whispered.
His mouth softened and he held her tighter. "Me."
"No." She raised onto her tiptoes and kissed him softly, murmuring against his lips. "I think I'm falling for your kind of crazy."
He captured her mouth and showed her without words how much he appreciated hearing her feelings. Her tongue tangled with his, responding in his language. Their future scared her to death.
Los Li breathed down her back. Jacko's past criminal record chased him, waiting for a weak moment. She feared losing him. Most of all, she wanted to love him.
Chapter Twenty
Amy leaned into Jacko as Desiree hopped off the back of Merk's bike in the parking lot and jogged over to join Christina and the others arriving at the motel. Jacko noted the smile on Amy's face, her hand on his stomach, and the way she curled into his side as the others rushed toward them.
He kept the meeting he'd called to himself. There was no reason to let Amy overthink the situation. It was what it was.
She belonged to him.
She was in.
He was in.
That's all any of his MC brothers needed to know.
Cam lifted his chin in question. Jacko nodded with the understanding Cam already knew why Jacko called the meeting. His president was the only one who never questioned his sanity. Cam made sure Jacko's bills were paid, his responsibilities taken care of, and never once judged the choices he made over the years.
Merk, Jeremy, Meese, Bear, Johnson, Paul, Mister, Kev, and the rest of the club members walked past him to the back of the motel. He pretended not to understand the curious looks everyone sent him. They'd soon find out he wasn't seeking their approval over decisions he'd already made. Their acceptance wasn't needed, nor wanted.
Desiree stopped in front of Amy and handed her a small bag. "Katie called, and she'll be here later. She's working in an extra routine tonight at Silver Girls, but she wanted you to know she went through more of her clothes and put them in a sack for you. I also picked up a couple more bras and some panties while I was in Coeur d'Alene yesterday. None of it's fancy, but you need them. Merk and Bear are coming by in the morning. The washer and dryer Jacko ordered arrived at the bar this afternoon and by tomorrow night, you won't have to worry about not having clean clothes."
Amy glanced up at Jacko in surprise. He tilted his head and gazed at the stars
. He hadn't mentioned the new washer and dryer to her either. The sooner she realized he acted on his own, the easier it would be for her to accept changes and to stop her questions about things he wanted to keep buried.
"Thanks, Desiree." Amy's body warmth moved away from him. "Are you coming over tomorrow, too?"
"No, I need to run the bar. The two girls I hired, Melinda and Shannon, are learning the ropes, but it'll be a couple more weeks until I'm okay with leaving them alone to keep the bar going," said Desiree.
"Desi," Merk yelled from the corner of the buildings where the two rows of motel rooms met.
"I better go in the backyard before he comes over here and drags me to the fire pit." Desiree laughed. "I'll talk to you later and fill you in on what's happened during the last week once the guys start their meeting and forget about the women."
"Okay." Amy returned to Jacko's side.
He put his arm around her shoulders and waited until everyone left the front of the motel. "I'll open the room, and you can drop the sack inside."
She walked with him. He stayed between her and the road, blocking her from view. In the dark, he wanted to make sure she stayed protected.
At the door, Amy slid in the room brushing his body. His cock pulsed with pleasure. He gazed at her ass. The last several weeks of living with him, she'd filled out the hand-me-down jeans. His gaze moved higher when she turned around. Even her breasts seemed bigger. He no longer felt her hipbones when he fucked her.
Amy stopped. He raised his gaze and found her studying him. "What?"
She smiled. "What are you thinking?"
He leaned against the doorframe and shrugged. She walked to him and slipped her arms around his waist. He exhaled in contentment. He'd gotten used to her being near, always touching him, growing closer, and yet the pleasure he received brought out the need to walk out of the room and get on his Harley.
"You're getting some meat on you," he said, giving her enough of an idea where his head was at to satisfy her.
She rolled her eyes. "For your information, that's not the right thing to say to any woman."
"You were too skinny."
"So you've told me, a few times." She kissed him. "I live off pizza and take-out burgers. If I have to hide away in the motel room much longer, you'll have to pry me out the door."
He dragged her against his body. "More cushion for me."
She laughed, kissed him again, and fingered his back pocket. "What's that?"
He straightened and removed her hand. "Pot."
"Uh." She pulled her hand out of his. "That's not a joint. That's enough for—"
"For the club." He stepped outside. "Want some?"
"No," she said. "What if the sheriff pulls up and arrests you."
"Nobody is going to arrest me." He locked the door and walked with her between the two buildings. Some of her worries amused him. She was worried about him getting caught for possession and not for the murders he'd gotten away with and dogged his tail.
Amy stared at the ground, maneuvering through the grass in the dark. He noted her silence and stopped her before they joined the others.
"What's wrong now?" he asked.
"What other drugs are you doing?" She crossed her arms.
"Jesus Christ," he mumbled. "Your sister smoked pot."
The instant he threw that in her face, he regretted it. He'd deliberately kept from speaking about Sarah, because the less she compared her relationship with him to the one he had with her sister, the easier it was to forget.
"The difference being my sister was a recreational user who mooched off her friends on the weekends. She never had enough money for much else, which meant she only smoked occasionally, and she wasn't a felon who would go back to prison if caught with illegal drugs." Amy shook her head and raised her voice. "You're a felon, Jacko. You carry a pistol and drugs on you. I've had two speeding tickets in the last five years. Do you know how easy it is to get caught breaking the law?"
She glared. He looked away.
"How am I supposed to help you when you continually put yourself in danger of getting arrested and thrown back in prison?"
"I never asked for your help," he said.
"No, because you try and take care of everything yourself. You're not the only one putting your life at risk. We agreed to try and work together."
Jacko's jaw tensed, keeping his laughter inside of him. Always, always, she tried to control the situation. The thought that she could tell him how to live his life at his age when he was on the downhill slope of life amused him. He never let anyone dictate what he could and couldn't do, and he wasn't going to let her think she could start now.
She shifted to her left, leaned forward, and studied him in the dark.
"Are you laughing?" she accused.
He came forward, stalking her. She stepped back. One foot. Two. Three.
Her back hit the wall of the motel. She brought her hands up and braced them against his chest. His size more than dominated her strength and he pressed against her, lowering his head to her ear.
"Lighten up," he said, nibbling on her earlobe. "I'm not hurting anyone by smoking a joint with everyone else."
"I don't care what you do with the club. I don't want you buying or transporting the club's stash and putting yourself at risk," she said, talking through her legs buckling as he licked the skin at her neck. "Jacko, stop."
"No, you stop." He sucked hard on her skin, probably leaving a mark. "I've been with you in the room for four days. Four fucking days. When the hell did I have time to buy pot, hm?"
She closed her eyes, reality dawning on her. "Shit."
He pulled back but stayed close to her. "This is part of my world. There's going to be a thousand more things that'll piss you off or will make you judge me. I've survived forty-two years on my own. You could walk away right now with your own ideas of what I've done in the past, and I know you'd be the better person away from my shit. You stay, and there's going to be things that happen tomorrow, next month, next year that you're not going to like and maybe you'll hit the road and be glad you're away from me. But, smoking some pot, partying with my club, and having my woman at my side is not something worth getting pissed about and trying to change."
The intensity and closeness in which she studied him had her gaze flickering from his right eye to his left. He held her against the wall letting her have the time to decide what she was going to do.
"This isn't about the pot," she said.
"Then what's it about?"
"You have to understand..." She exhaled, her warm, sweet breath caressing his face. "I lost my mom when I was nineteen years old. I worked to keep Sarah in school and to keep us from being homeless. I understand what other people do when they kick back and let loose. I've never had the opportunity myself to hang out with friends, get drunk or get stoned."
"Fuck me," he growled, pushing off the wall. "We're going to change that."
She put her hand in his offered one. "I thought you had to be at the meeting."
"Meeting won't last long." He pulled her out into the back of the yard. "Afterward, we party."
"Jacko. That's not what I'm saying." She pulled him to a stop. "What are you planning on doing?"
He pulled her in front of him, kissed her hard. "Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing."
He let her go and walked to the fire. Within the circle of men, he watched Amy join Christina, Desiree, Lola, Tina, Tiff, and Jessie. Cam started the meeting and he focused on the way Amy immersed herself into the conversations with the women and kept glancing out at him, unsure of what he was going to do.
Curiously, her head tilted to the side every time her eyes met his. He swayed. Her hand came up and covered her mouth to hide her smile. Little by little, she understood what he'd planned to do once business was over and everyone broke up to enjoy the night. She tried to hide her happiness once she figured it out, and failed. He soaked up every bit of pleasure she gave off.
Her smile.
Her eyes laughing.
Her hand fluttering at her shoulder when she spoke to the others.
Her breasts rising and falling with the acceleration of her pulse.
Enjoying the connection, he backed away from the fire. Lost in her head instead of his own, he needed to mask his reaction.
He turned around and gazed out into the woods. Hidden from view, he smiled.
"Jacko, pay attention," Cam ordered.
He blew out his breath, schooled his features, and walked back to the fire. The facade harder to hold in place, he kept his gaze off Amy.
"Besides the three occupied rooms and the kitchen, we've got three other rooms at the motel that are good enough to house recently released Moroad members." Cam put his boot up on an upturned log.
"An available room don't mean shit when none of our guys are walking out of prison for at least six months." Gunner slapped at his bare shoulder wiping the squashed gnat from his palm on his jeans. "Any chance of Ring getting out early from his sentence?"
Cam shook his head. "Ring is fine inside, which brings me to the information Pretaro gave me yesterday."
To hide his reaction to a message coming from the members inside the Cyclone fence, Jacko sat down on the damp grass, bent his knees, and propped his arms straight out. He flapped his hands, keeping his gaze on the motion.
"The Rules Infraction Board has changed their mind about segregating the prisoners." Cam lit a cigarette and continued. "As of yesterday, our brothers got shifted around to different cells, different floors, and are once again mixed with Reds, Blues, Los Li, and the skinheads. That means it's more important now than ever before to protect the extortion money. Pressure will mount on the inside. Moroad members are going to face more danger and hostility. We need to do what we can on the outside to make sure any of the other gangs making a desperate move know we have enough man power to keep our control on the inside. As of right now, we only have twenty-two members on the outside. The remaining one hundred and seventy-one members are incarcerated."
"Who did we lose?" Stache cupped his elbow and pulled on the end of his mustache with the other hand.
