Endlessly (Paranormalcy)

by Kiersten White

  “I—” I paused, and closed my eyes. And there, yes, I could. It was like a tug, a pull toward emptiness, toward blissful oblivion, pulsing out and with every beat telling me that I was nothing, nothing, nothing, hers, hers, hers.

  I squeezed Reth’s hand, hard. “I’m scared.”

  He laughed his silver laugh. “High time for that.”

  “Don’t—Please, don’t let me lose myself, okay? The first goal is to save Lend, but I’d rather die than lose myself to her or help her in any way.”

  He locked my eyes with his. “Evelyn, my love. I will not let that happen.”

  I nodded, biting my lip. He wouldn’t, not if he could help it. I trusted him on that. “Okay. Okay. Any tips?”

  “Remember who you are.”

  I laughed, part shrill panic and part bitterness. “And what if I have no idea who I am?”

  He shook his head, exasperated. “Repeat your real name in your head. Don’t say it aloud; whatever you do, don’t give it to her. But hold on to it and it should help.”

  I took a deep breath. Neamh. Neamh. Neamh. I was me, and she couldn’t have that, just like she couldn’t have my Lend. Another deep breath, and another, all the while holding the image of Lend’s true face in my head. “Let’s do this.”

  Reth put my hand in the crook of his elbow again and we walked forward, together, through the trees and into the heart of the Dark Queen’s court.

  WHAT’S IN A NAME?

  We stepped out of the trees and into the middle of a throng of faeries. My heart beat like a wild bird in my chest, fluttering against my rib cage and desperate to get away.

  The faeries were all standing, arrayed like satellites around the gravity of the Dark Queen. I had expected thrones of gold and gems, but she sat in the middle of everything on an enormous, deep purple calla lily. Her dress today shimmered with every color imaginable, a prism in fabric form, and her black-oil hair danced with life along her bare, alabaster arms. On either side of her stood a faerie, one with midnight-blue hair and eyes, her face dotted with tiny points of light like stars shining beneath her skin. The other was the Goose Down Hair faerie from the Center. The one I’d set free, straight back to help my greatest enemy.

  And there he was…Lend. My hands flew to my lips to stop from crying out in joy, because he was here, my Lend was here, I’d found him! He was at the Dark Queen’s feet, lying perfectly still, in his real form and thus nearly invisible under his clothes. He wasn’t—oh no, no no no, he wasn’t dead, he couldn’t be dead. If I’d lost him forever, my world was over. A small, animal sound escaped my mouth, then there was the slightest shift, a twitch of his hand, and I let out a muffled sob. He was still alive. I could still save him.

  “Ah,” the Dark Queen said, snapping my attention back to her. Maybe I couldn’t still save him. I tried to avoid looking into her pure black eyes, instead focusing just above them on her high, smooth forehead. “The Empty One comes to me.”

  Her voice shot through me like a hook, catching on my back and then drawing me forward. My feet moved against my will, again.

  “Approach, child.”

  She was swallowing me whole, I knew it, I could feel it happening, but I couldn’t care. I was silly to think I could ever do anything against her. I had no right to exist, no right to even be. She preceded existence. She superseded creation. To say she was more than me was laughable in its simplicity. She was more than anything. She was a god.

  She would be my god. I would go to her feet and worship her, do anything and everything she asked of me, anything to be near her, to have my nothingness absorbed and absolved by her, to—

  I stumbled on my icy feet, falling to my knees and scraping my palm. I turned it over and looked at the bright dots of blood.

  My blood.

  Me.

  Neamh. Neamh. Neamh. Me.

  I took a deep breath, then stood, shocked to see I’d already covered all the distance to her and was standing directly in front of Lend. Careful not to let any expression show, I set my face into a mask of need and adoration and lowered my head in pretend obedience.

  Even though I couldn’t see her face, I felt her smile triumphantly. “Did you bring me this toy as an offering?” she asked, and I tried not to react as Reth answered immediately behind me.

  “Yes, my lady. Please accept it with my humblest gratitude for my continued existence.” He was lying; I only hoped she didn’t figure it out.

  She tapped one long, ice-white finger against her knee. “You shall exist. For now. But only because I think your betrayal will plague my sister more than your death. Now, you,” she said, leaning forward and gesturing with her finger. My head rose, pulled up on an invisible string.

  She cocked her head, a gesture I’d seen on Reth so many times, so beautiful I could barely stand to look at her. “What have you brought me as an offering? What can you give me to convince me not to end you right now? I have no need of you, not anymore. A few years yet and we will be free.”

  My mind raced, desperate. I stuck my hands in my pocket, wrapping one around the knife as though it could somehow give me the answers. I could give it to her, but, no, it was pitiful as far as gifts went. She didn’t crave things, she wanted power.

  Power.

  I looked into her eyes, suddenly hopeful.

  “I can give you my name.”

  Her face froze, then her violet lips parted in a hint of a smile. “Your true name?”

  I nodded eagerly, stepping forward over Lend. “My true name. But you have to do something for me.”

  Her smile faded and I felt it like you feel a cloud passing over the sun; even with a firm hold on my mind it made me desperate, anxious to regain her sunshine. “You would dare ask something of me?”

  “Let him go,” I said, my words rushing out. “Lend. Let him go, and I’ll give you my true name, and I’ll do anything you want, I’ll open any gate anywhere, I’ll be yours forever. Anything.”

  She didn’t blink, hadn’t blinked this whole time, never looked away from my eyes and I knew I was seconds away from losing myself. I couldn’t lose myself, not if this was going to work.

  “You have far too much spirit for an Empty One,” she said, leaning forward. “You cannot command me in anything. I enjoy this boy, so pretty like glass. Do you suppose he is as fragile as glass? Would you like to find out?” She raised a hand toward him, and he whimpered softly in his sleep.

  “No!” I shouted, and she smiled again.

  “I shall keep him, and you will tell me your name to save yourself. And even then, perhaps I will end you anyway.”

  Blinking against the tears, I nodded and opened my mouth.

  “Your name is for me alone,” she warned. I leaned closer to her and she bent her graceful, long neck down, putting her ear next to my face. I closed my eyes, the fear and joy and pain washing through me this close to her. I didn’t deserve to be this close to her. I’d never deserve it, and I’d never get it again, and I wanted to sink into her darkness and never come out.

  I pulled the knife out of my pocket and jammed it into her neck.

  She screamed, the meadow around us shifting and crackling with lightning at the sound, the light disappearing. I fell backward, tripping over Lend’s body.

  “YOU!” I shouted, pointing to the Goose Down Hair faerie, barely visible in the writhing darkness that surrounded us now. “You have to help me one time! Attack the Dark Queen until I’m gone!”

  Her eyes lit up with rage and death and she took a step toward me, hands outstretched. Guess that answered whether or not the previous commands would bind her. I closed my eyes, waiting to be killed, but when the hands didn’t come around my neck, I opened them again. On the throne, standing over the Dark Queen, the Goose Down Hair faerie sobbed as she jammed the knife deeper into the Dark Queen’s neck.

  “My lady,” the faerie shrieked in grief and terror, “my queen, I love you.” She said it again and again as she slammed her hand against the knife, driving it in f
arther.

  I dropped down, wrapped my arms around Lend, and screamed, “Reth! Get us out of here, now!”

  Strong arms grabbed me, and with a bright flash we were pulled out of the Faerie Realms and into the blessed darkness of the Paths.

  POWER NAP

  I sank to the ground, holding Lend and blinking against the cold, bright sunshine streaming down on us. The gravel of Lend’s driveway dug into my knees, but I didn’t care.

  We were here. We did it.

  I looked up at Reth, the sun behind him creating a blinding halo around his head. “Thank you,” I said, tears streaming down my face. “Thank you.”

  He reached down and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, then leaned over and put his fingers briefly on Lend’s forehead. I reached for his hand, but without a word he turned and walked away.

  “Evie? Evie! Oh my—Lend?” Arianna started toward us, then ran into the house and yelled something. She sprinted back, joined by David.

  “Is he okay? What happened? Is he—”

  I shook my head, then nodded, not knowing what to say. All I knew was that he was here, with us. I had no doubt I’d pay for what I’d done to the Dark Queen. She couldn’t be killed by something as simple as a silver knife; all I’d done was borrow more time. Time that never should have been mine to begin with, so what was another threat of death hanging over my head? With Lend here I didn’t care. I’d take her wrath, all of it, anything.

  David reached down and took Lend out of my arms, straining but carrying him into the house. Arianna helped me up and I cried out with pain. My feet had finally thawed.

  “What did you do?” she asked, horrified, but I just shook my head, taking her arm for support and hobbling after David. I needed to be where Lend was.

  We made it to the house and I tracked smears of blood on the hardwood before I sat heavily on the floor next to the blue couch where Lend was lying. He was still breathing evenly, for all appearances deeply asleep.

  “Do you think he’s okay?” I whispered, looking up at David, whose worry and heartbreak mirrored my own.

  “I’m sure he is.” David’s face turned into a mask of bravery as he smiled and knelt next to me. “Evie, what you did, I can’t even begin…thank you.” He wrapped me up in a hug and I buried my face into his shoulder.

  “I had to bring him back.”

  He nodded against my head, and even though I knew he was as terrified as I was, I let myself lean against him and pretend for a moment that he was my dad, that I had someone like that who could be strong for me when I didn’t have any strength left. I wanted Raquel here. I wanted Lish here. I wanted the mother I’d never known. But I could pretend Lend’s dad was enough.

  “Evie, we need to fix your feet,” Arianna said when I let go of David and sat back against the edge of the couch.

  “Yeah, they kind of hurt. But there is no way we’re letting a unicorn inside the house. You’d never get the smell out.”

  We both choked out a laugh. Arianna and David wanted to carry me out to the unicorn, but I waved them away. I wasn’t leaving Lend’s side until he woke up. I put my head down on the couch next to Lend’s. He would wake up soon. He had to wake up soon.

  “Do you think Cresseda would know something, be able to help?” I asked.

  “She might. I’ll go see.” David nodded and hurried out the door.

  “So, how did you pull this off?” Arianna asked, sitting next to me with her legs against mine.

  “I have no idea. But Jack helped before he got hurt and had to leave. And Reth did, too. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything without Reth. He was kind of amazing, actually.”

  “Guess there’s a first time for everything.”

  “Seriously.”

  I saw my purse across the room and asked Arianna to hand it to me. I pulled out my phone to see several missed calls and texts from Carlee. The most recent read: “where r u meg said u were supposd to email her dance plans shes pissed and wont stop bugging me. also my mom is making me watch white christmas please call save me must go shopping.” I hesitated, then texted back. “Lend sick. Not fun. Will call when better.”

  Please, please let me be able to call her soon. She texted back immediately, as usual, offering soup. If only.

  I looked up as Donna came in with David, her usual exuberantly bouncy step subdued. I was hit with a wave of guilt. I hadn’t even thought of Kari or Nona or Grnlllll this whole time. Now that I had Lend back, everything I’d been avoiding came rushing in.

  “Donna, is Kari—” I couldn’t finish the sentence, but Donna gave me a brave, heartbroken smile, then shook her head.

  “I’m so sorry. And Nona?”

  “It’s too early to tell,” David said softly, but it didn’t sound hopeful. “We’re going to take Lend to the pond. There are a bunch of paranormals down there; they might be able to help or tell us something, and Cresseda wants to see him.”

  David put his arms under Lend’s knees and arms, picking him up with a sharp exhalation, then cradling him and walking out the door.

  “Help?” I asked Arianna and Donna. They stood on either side of me and I put my arms around their shoulders. Donna’s were lean and sinewy, powerful. Arianna’s were frail and felt like I would break her if I put too much weight there. It couldn’t be helped though.

  We’d barely made it to the trees and already my feet were in such agony I didn’t know how I’d get down to the pond. “I’m sorry.” I gasped. “I can’t. Where’s the unicorn?”

  “Probably by the pond. Want me to run ahead and try to bring it here?” Arianna asked.

  “Allow me,” Reth said from behind, scooping me into his arms like I was nothing and striding down the path with his usual graceful gait. Arianna and Donna were quickly left behind.

  “Reth, I…” I paused, then took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

  “Whatever are you sorry for?”

  I shrugged. “How about threatening to kill you, for starters.”

  “That is an excellent place to start, although I must tell you those threats were rather more endearing and humorous than frightening.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. You really came through for me when no one else could, and I know Lend wouldn’t be here without your help. So thank you.” I leaned my head against his shoulder and it seemed like he almost missed a step, but then he continued on as graceful as before. I lifted my head back up, staring ahead and straining for my first glimpse of the pond. “Why did you do it? Help me, I mean. I know you don’t love Lend.”

  His golden voice was as deliciously warm as it had always been, wrapping around me in a comforting blanket, insulating me from the bite of the December air. “No, but I do love you, silly creature that you are.”

  I nodded. I felt like I should say something back, but I honestly had no idea what that something was.

  We came out of the trees to even more paranormals and elementals gathered around the banks. The water was still frozen solid, but a small hole near the banks boiled furiously, steam dancing into the air.

  David saw me and shook his head. “I thought he was waking up for a minute on the walk here, but he didn’t.” He laid Lend gently on the ground in front of the ice hole and Cresseda appeared in a geyser of water.

  Reth kept me in his arms, angling me so I could see everything. The unicorn, bless its dirty, filthy heart, trotted up and set to work on my feet as they dangled in the air. I focused as hard as I could on Cresseda to try and avoid being overwhelmed by the rainbow-sunshine-butterfly-moonlight happy cloud the unicorn was creating. It mostly worked, although I had to shake my head and wipe off several goofy, sloppy smiles.

  Cresseda’s voice had an undercurrent of storm water, angry floods, and tsunamis breaking the surface of her normal tranquillity. “What of the traitor queen?”

  I raised a hand. “I kind of stabbed her. In the neck. She’s probably not happy.”

  Cresseda nodded, her clear features reflecting the sunlight in a fierce wa
y, almost painful to look right at. “You have my gratitude, Evelyn.”

  “Will he be okay?” I asked, my voice catching.

  Cresseda reached out a water hand toward Lend and was quiet and still for almost a full minute. Finally, she nodded, and her voice rang with the melancholy of the tides. “He is still ours.”

  I let out the breath I was holding. He’d be okay. He’d be okay. It was all worth it.

  I motioned and Reth set me down, my feet still tender and raw, which surprised me. They weren’t as bad as they had been but last time the unicorn had healed me completely. In answer to my unasked question, Reth said, “I am afraid that, as I said, my patch did more harm than good. A unicorn’s magic cannot combat my own.”

  I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. We did what we had to. They’ll get better eventually.”

  Cresseda nodded at Reth. “Son of the Light Court, all is not forgiven, but I thank you for your service to my son. And I trust you to never reveal or use my Lend’s true name again.”

  “That’s how you could find him?” I asked, looking up at Reth, but for some reason he avoided my eyes. Of course it made sense that Cresseda would have given him Lend’s true name (although I’d had no idea he had any besides his normal one). Reth knowing my true name meant he could find me anywhere, anytime….

  Instantly.

  “Wait a second,” I said, everything clicking into place. “You—you could have found him immediately. You knew exactly where he was the second she gave you his name. So our little detour through the horrors of faerie land—” I closed my eyes and shook my head. Of course. Of course Reth wasn’t being selfless by helping me. He just wanted me to see what the Dark Court was doing, how they were hurting people so I’d be more sympathetic to what the Light Court and the paranormals wanted me to do. The entire thing—always, like always—was just another way to manipulate me.

  EAU DE FAERIE

  Evelyn,” Cresseda said, but I stopped her.