by Flatman, NJ
Chapter 6
I hated myself.
I sat there on the couch, my arm numb as Avery slept on it, and I hated myself.
It was already starting. The pain that I would cause her. The damage that I would do to her. It had already started. And this time, it wasn’t even a choice I’d made.
Her friend…God she made me crazy. The way she spoke to me. The way she’d looked at me. She brought out the very worst of my temper.
I’d come over that morning to see Avery. I needed to see her. After what I’d done, and the thoughts I’d had, I needed to see her and know that everything was okay. I had to know that she still loved me.
I’d taken her to meet my buddy Stu over the weekend. We’d been dating a while and the guys wanted to find out what girl had stolen their buddy. Especially since I’d refused women for so damned long. So Stu had suggested we come over for the evening.
She never ceased to amaze me and make me sad all at the same time. The simple idea of a night at my buddy’s place excited her. It was new to her.
“Another first for me,” she’d smiled on the way over.
“Trust me,” I’d teased. “Stu isn’t all that.”
“But he’s important to you,” she’d looked at me and I had a hard time knowing if it’d been a comment or a question. So I’d nodded. “And you are introducing me.”
I watched her bite her lip. She was nervous. Meeting my dumbass friend made her nervous.
“Of course,” I laughed. “Why wouldn’t I introduce you?”
Her expression changed and her eyes clouded over. She looked down at her hands as she began to twist them. She didn’t like the questions. They made her uncomfortable. But this one I had to pursue. So I watched her and waited.
“Just doesn’t really happen,” she shrugged. “That’s all.”
Her answer made me hurt for her. How could someone so amazing not be cherished? Why would anyone not take her to meet everyone in their life? I didn’t understand it.
“Well you should probably get used to it,” I’d smiled at her, hoping to ease her discomfort. “Everyone that matters to me needs to meet the one that matters most.”
I watched her face flush a pink shade and her eyes light up as she smiled. She was happy. I’d done something that was just standard and simple, and it’d made her entire world a better place. That was part of what I liked so much about her. She was simple.
Not in a bad way.
Avery never looked for extravagant things from me or anyone else. She liked those small gestures that meant something special. Remembering to ask how her day was. Listening about her job. Knowing her favorite dinner and why a specific song had made her cry. She didn’t need much. She never asked for anything. And that made me want to give her everything.
Unfortunately, the plans had gotten fucked up. Stu’s latest whatever she was had bailed. That left it at the three of us. Stu was pissed off and used his energy to pick at me. It was normal. Just the way he was. But I’d reverted to guy mode.
Somehow we’d ended up playing poker. Just the two of us. And I’d gotten carried away with the game and the bets and mostly just proving my manhood. It was what we did. But I forgot that Avery didn’t know that side of me. She was used to Spencer that focused only on her. Apparently, it’d hurt her feelings.
What had started out as her being excited and amazed that I’d brought her, had ended up being her resentful that I’d brought her to ignore her. That car ride home had been a doozy. I’d never seen her angry and worked up. Hell, I’d never seen her confident enough to tell me off. But she sure as hell had. And even as her words hurt, I couldn’t help but love her more.
Until she’d told me she didn’t care if she saw me again or not. God that had been an awful feeling. I didn’t even respond, just drove away and tried to fight the tears that wanted to come. A world without Avery wasn’t one I wanted to face. So I could only hope that some rest would change her mind.
Turns out, I didn’t need that much. Before I’d even walked in the door at Kev’s place, she had text me. Her words seemed so sad.
I was so wrong. I do care if I see you. I want to see you. I was mad. But I’m not any more. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me.
Clearly I’d told her that I wouldn’t. That I was sorry too. I’d been so damned happy to hear from her, I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted it to be okay. I wanted to know she was there.
And that’s when I got scared. That was when I knew that this was more than I’d ever bargained for. My mind had told me to back off. Leave her alone. Walk away while I still could. My heart argued. I couldn’t leave her. I couldn’t be away from her. So I’d spent a few days letting them battle it out.
The inner turmoil that I’d always felt was something that I couldn’t explain to anyone— not even Avery. Truth was, I didn’t fully understand it all myself. I knew there was something about Avery that made me feel like I should run in the other direction. I knew part of it was my childhood. The way my mother had done— the things she’d said— but I was an adult. I had the ability to walk away from her and her condescending bullshit, I just never really had. I continued to see her and let that negativity get deep inside my head.
Part of it was the drugs. Kevin’s use. My past use and constant battle not to do it again. The fact that sometimes I wondered if being on something was going to be the only time in my life that I felt sane and free of the demons deep inside. I didn’t turn to drugs because I didn’t love Jamie. I turned to them because I did. Because I didn’t love me and I was terrified that she would see all that was wrong with me.
In the end that’s what it was all about. I could say I didn’t want Avery to see the dark side of life. I could say that I didn’t want to abandon her and hurt her. I could say that I was a fuck up and I knew I’d ruin us. Hell I could even say that it was my parents’ fault that I was who I was.
All of that was true. But what made me want to run was deeper than that. It was something I couldn’t completely understand and didn’t know how to change. What scared me the most— what left me paralyzed and unable to truly sink into the relationship and feelings with Avery— was the fact that I knew that someday she would see who I was deep inside and realize she could never love him. Just like everyone else had.
But in the end my heart won the battle. I needed Avery and I wasn’t ready to let her go.
That was what took me to her apartment so early in the morning. I’d decided I needed to see her and there was no stopping me. I wasn’t going to wait.
But the bitchy blond had answered the door, panties in a twist as always. Something in me got angry every time I saw that smirk on her face, and that morning was no exception. She let me in, but she didn’t want to. I could tell that. And she followed me through the living room, bitching me and telling me I needed to leave and let Avery be, like I’d been doing for the last few days.
If she’d been a man, I’d have punched her by our second encounter. If she’d been anyone but Avery’s best friend, I’d have told her off. But she was her friend and as much as I didn’t understand it, I wasn’t going to interfere in it.
Until she made that comment. The one I don’t think Avery heard. The one that pissed me the fuck off.
“If you love her so much,” her voice full of sarcasm, “then why won’t you touch her?”
Obviously Avery had talked with her about our sex life. Or lack thereof. It didn’t surprise me. Girls did that shit. Hell, guys did to a degree. But girls, they talked in detail. I knew that. I’d always known that. But the fact that Colby had said it the way she had— well it made me angry. Sad as well, but mostly angry.
Was that her opinion? Was it Avery’s? It killed me to think that Avery would believe I didn’t love her or want her because we hadn’t had sex. God if she only knew. I fought against that every day of my life. I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted another woman. Maybe I hadn’t shown her. Maybe I should have just told her the truth.
/> I was afraid. I was worried about disappointing her. I was worried about changing things. I was worried that if we had sex it would ruin what we’d had all that time. Suddenly we’d argue about sex. We’d discuss fantasies. We’d be unhappy with each other or we’d be so caught up in it we didn’t want anything else. We’d lose the fact that we could sit on the couch and watch a movie and talk for hours on end. Everything would be different. And I hadn’t been ready to go there.
But Colby was throwing it in my face as if I were ashamed of Avery. As if I didn’t want to be with her. As if I didn’t love her. As if she repulsed me and I didn’t want her.
And I damn well knew I did.
So, she’d effectively engaged me and that was never a good thing. I’d ended up turning around and shouting back at her. Which had led to more arguing and a whole slew of new insults. Back and forth. The two of us not even thinking about the person we were arguing over. We’d just been trying to hurt or anger the other.
When I’d said it, I didn’t think. I was mad at that bitch and I was just pointing out the obvious. She thought she was better than Avery and she damn sure wasn’t. She thought she deserved things that Avery didn’t deserve. She thought that somehow me loving Avery had slighted her. That’s what was on my mind.
When my anger flies, it gets ugly. And that’s what happened. I said it. I said it to get to Colby. I had no idea that Avery was standing there. Watching. Listening. I had no idea how it sounded until after the fact. I’d just said it. To win the argument. To bitch slap the bitch with words. She’d started it with her stupid nonsense.
“You honestly think I’d want you?” she laughed. “Why? Because you are attractive?”
Her laugh made me angrier. She acted as though I were garbage that was beneath her. Trash. Something she could kick away and laugh at. Really? She was a whore. She’d bedded half of fucking Chicago. She had no standards for me to be beneath. How could she talk to me like I was not good enough for her?
“Because it drives you crazy that Avery has something that you don’t. That she was the one I picked at that stupid little party.” I shapped. “Because you look at me and see a guy that is supposed to want the high maintenance pretty girl. I’m not supposed to want someone like Avery.”
I hadn’t meant it the way it sounded. Hell, until later I didn’t even realize how it sounded. I was trying to battle the bitch— to make her see that she wasn’t as great as she thought. I wanted her to know that I knew she was just jealous. It wasn’t meant to hurt Avery. She wasn’t meant to even hear it. But she did.
She was standing there. She was watching. She was listening. And she heard me say it.
I’m not supposed to be with someone like Avery.
When I’d seen Colby’s face drop, my heart had went with it. I knew. She was standing there. She was listening. She heard it. And suddenly the way it sounded coming out was very clear. I knew.
I’d turned to face her, but she wouldn’t look at me. She was staring at blondie. Her eyes were clouded. Her heart was broken. I could see it on her face. Every fear she’d had since I had asked for a lighter had been confirmed. I thought she was less than Colby.
Until that moment I hadn’t realized how strong this was. Somewhat. I’d known she was important. There had been no doubt in my mind that I wanted her in my life. But standing there, it became something else. It became everything. She became everything. In that moment I knew without a doubt that I loved Avery more than I thought I could love anyone else in my life.
I spoke her name, pleading silently with her to look at me. And she did. And the pain in her eyes and across her face killed me. What was left of my soul shattered inside of my body. I’d caused it. I’d caused that look. I’d been the reason she was destroyed.
There was nothing I wouldn’t have done to rewind time right then. I would have given my life to have never seen that look on her face. I’d have stopped time to remove the tears that were falling from her face. I wanted to go, but I couldn’t. I had to stay. Unless she told me to leave, which she didn’t. I had to make this better.
The bitch no longer mattered. In fact, I was pretty sure I forgot she was even there. All that mattered was to change it. To make her better. To take away her pain.
She stared into my eyes and I couldn’t look away. I was broken. I was devastated. I was a shell of a person. All because I’d put pain into Avery’s heart. My mind spoke ninety miles an hour. Telling me this would keep going. Telling me that I needed to let her go. Telling me I would destroy her and this look would be all that was left. Mostly telling me that she’d realize what a bad person I was and she’d stop loving me. She’d stop smiling when she saw me or heard my name.
But I didn’t listen. I just looked at her. Much like our first night, we understood what wasn’t being said. We understood the silence. She knew, even as the tears fell, that I loved her and that her pain was killing me. And I knew that my words could destroy her. Which meant that I’d never let them again. Because as we stood there, nothing being said, I knew that destroying Avery would be the equivalent of destroying myself.
We’d been okay for the rest of the day, spending it together. Not talking much, but not needing to. We both knew what mattered. And Avery had curled up in my arms as we watched a movie and fallen asleep. Her head on my shoulder, her body making my arm numb, and a smile on her face. But even given the closeness we’d found after that morning, I still sat there in the silence hating myself.
Because I’d hurt her, yes. But also because I was me and I knew that it wouldn’t be the last time. And she’d leave me and I didn’t know I could survive that.
Chapter 7
“What the hell are you doing?” Kevin had somehow walked up without me hearing him. Usually he was loud enough to wake the neighbors. Not that anyone in this building ever seemed to mind the noise.
The fact that he was quiet made me hope for a second that he was coming down for a few. It seemed so rare anymore that he did. Over the years his use had only increased, but no matter how long he’d been on drugs I still wished every day that it would be the day he decided he wanted to make other choices. Since that never happened, I learned to enjoy the brief moments that he was stone cold sober and the brother I remembered having at one point.
“What does it look like Kev?” I asked sarcastically. One would have thought the overnight bag and pile of clothes in front of me would have tipped him off.
“Okay smartass,” he snapped. “Where the hell ya goin’?”
He didn’t laugh. He was definitely coming down. Otherwise he’d have found the humor in my sarcasm and offered up a bit of his own. It’d take him a day or so, and a lot of sleep, to get past the anger that would take over as the drugs left his system. I hoped that I’d be back in time to enjoy the few days of the old Kevin.
I hadn’t warned Kevin that anything was happening. Hell, I’d barely talked to him in days. He had no clue I’d been planning to talk to Colby or anything that had happened when I did. He wasn’t home when I’d gotten there an hour before and there’d been no time to figure out where he was or hunt him down to talk. I’d just started tossing shit into a bag. Pressure made it a lot easier to decide what to take with you.
“South Carolina,” I answered as if it were just a normal thing to pack a bag and head halfway across the country. I knew he wasn’t going to like the answer, but I didn’t really give a shit at that moment.
“Jesus Christ,” he shook his head in exasperation. “I thought we talked about this. It’s like huntin’ remember?” He brought up the conversation we’d had that first night I’d tried to go to her.
“Shut the fuck up Kev,” I didn’t want to be rude to him. Especially not when he was teetering on the edge of a crash. I just didn’t really have time for backwards analogies and bullshit. I had to get this done and get out of there quickly. I had places to be.
Colby and I had made it to the apartment without killing each other. Barely. She had spent the entire trip
telling me how I’d fucked up her entire life, a feat I certainly wasn’t going to take all of the credit for. So I’d argued back, pointing out the ways that she had managed to contribute. Both of us taking our frustration and anger out on each other. Neither of us willing to face the truth. We were terrified.
By the time we got there, we were both ready to shoot the other one. Hell, I’d have shot myself if I’d have thought it’d make her shut the hell up. Being trapped in a car with her wasn’t my idea of fun. And here I was about to take a trip with the bitch across country. Something had to be wrong with me.
“So what changed bro?” Kevin asked, sitting on the edge of the bed that was clean. He seemed genuinely interested and I couldn’t just ignore that and blow him off. I looked over at my brother and noticed the circles underneath his eyes.
