by Flatman, NJ
“You look like shit,” I pointed out. I was worried about him. He’d lost more weight than was healthy. His skin was fucked up. At just over 30, he was covered in acne. A few more months and he’d be the poster child for the dangers of meth and why it was so damned unhealthy.
I may have been annoyed at my brother, but I loved him. I didn’t want him to kill himself. Especially not with drugs. But that seemed to be the road he wanted to head down. One thing I’d learned was that you can’t make someone change their choices. They have to do that themselves.
“Thanks a lot,” he shook his head, not sure whether to be rude or try and find out what was going on. “Spence,” he reached out and took hold of my arm. “Why ya doin’ this?”
“She’s gone Kev,” I stopped packing and allowed myself to absorb the words and the thought. “She got into it with Colby while they were there. The fucking bitch left her in South Carolina. She came home and left her. She didn’t even make sure she came home or was okay. She just fucking left. Apparently Avery had gone somewhere after their fight and Colby snuck off. Took a plane home without another care in the world.”
“Damn,” it was the only word that Kevin could come up with, but it was fitting. “How ya know she’s still there?”
It wasn’t an unreasonable question. In fact, I had already thought of it. When the idea popped into my head I’d wondered if I was wasting time going there. What if she’d left? He wasn’t going to be able to ask me anything that I hadn’t already asked myself. But I had decided that I had to try. It was the decision that I’d had to make and nothing he said was going to change my mind. He was going to have to accept it.
“I don’t,” I was honest. “But she’s somewhere and that’s the last place she was known to be.”
“What if she’s here?” he asked, another question I’d asked myself. Another possibility.
“It’s possible,” I answered. “But not likely. It doesn’t seem like she’s been home. We went to the apartment and went inside. Nothing has been touched.”
I knew that didn’t necessarily mean she was in South Carolina. She could have come back and not gone home. It wasn’t something I wanted to think about until I had to. Besides, it wasn’t really like her.
“Maybe she’s stayin’ with a friend?” he suggested, not realizing the pain it was causing me to think that.
“Colby was really her only friend,” I told him. “She’s lost most of them since meeting me. So if it’s a friend, it’s a new one.”
“Oh,” I knew that Kevin understood what I was saying. I didn’t have to spell it out for him. “But it’s still possible?” he added, knowing it’d hurt me but choosing to mention it. I understood. He was concerned. It didn’t happen often with him and so I let it slide that he was pushing the wrong buttons.
“Yes,” I replied. “Not likely, but possible.”
“So you are still going to start in South Carolina?” he asked.
“No,” I zipped the bag and sat it in the floor, planting myself where it’d just been. “I started here. Her apartment. Colby’s. Her job.”
“And nothing?”
“Just learning she quit her job last week and hasn’t set foot inside her apartment. Colby hasn’t heard a word. The diner seems to be the only people that have heard from her.”
“Have you thought that maybe…” he began, but I wasn’t going to let him finish. I knew where he was headed and I couldn’t face that. I had to do this my way.
“Kevin,” I looked at him, my eyes pleading for relief. “I’ve thought of everything. But I have to know.”
I couldn’t have been more honest. I had to know what happened. I had to know she was okay. I had to know no matter what it was I ended up knowing.
It was possible she’d give up completely. It was possible she didn’t give a shit anymore. It was possible that hiding and staying gone was her choice. It was possible that she was with someone else. Anything at this point was possible. But I didn’t know where she was. I had no clue if she was hurt. I had no idea what I was supposed to think or do. I just knew that I had to find out. Even if the answer destroyed me.
“And if ya find her?” I knew he just wanted to make sure I’d thought it through. Kevin had seen the very worst in relationships— most he caused himself— and he didn’t want me to fall apart if things weren’t what I wanted them to be. A part of me wished I could sit there for hours and confide in my brother while he was coherent enough to actually care. I just didn’t have time. So I had to let him know I’d thought of everything.
I’d thought of nothing else. What was I going to do if I found Avery? How would I win her back? Could I win her back? Was she gone forever?
“Then I’ll start by hoping she is okay,” I shrugged. “And I guess I’ll take it from there.” It was the only answer I had.
“But what if…”
“Stop!” I yelled. “I know the possibilities. I know them all. I know that I could be going to end up on a wild goose chase. I know that I could be going so that I get my heart broken. I understand that this may be the end of my life as I know it.” I took a breath and looked down at the floor. “I know it all.”
“Then why risk it?” he asked, and once again I’m saw the man that my brother had grown to be. It was a far cry from the kid that stood and protected me. He was nowhere near that person anymore. He was void of those feelings and emotions. In his world you just avoided the pain. Drowned it out.
“For starters,” I said, looking back at him again. “She could be hurt or in danger. I can’t sit here and wonder if she’s dead or alive.”
“Okay,” he nodded, understanding that theory. “But you could probably find that out from here.”
“It’s not the only reason I’m going,” I admitted. “There’s a chance that even if this was a choice, I could get her to come home.”
“Or end up more damaged than you were when Jamie left,” he added, always one to remind me of the worst case scenario. “If ya don’t go, ya don’t know.”
I envied his mind sometimes. I wished I had the ability to just dodge the pain that may be waiting for me. I wish I could just give up and walk away and not give a damn about it. I wasn’t him. I couldn’t. I had to face it, no matter what.
“I’ll take my chances,” I shot back, standing up and preparing to leave.
“Why?” he seemed genuinely puzzled by the thought.
“Because I believe she loves me. And I believe that love isn’t gone. I believe that love will bring her back to me, regardless of what she decided last week.”
“What if you are wrong?”
“Then I’m wrong,” I told him. “But if hopping on a plane to South Carolina means I have even a fraction of a chance to be with Avery, then I’m going to be on the fucking plane.” I was getting angry, and losing hope at the same time. “I’d trade everything in my life just to see her one more time. I’d give up everything to hold her again. And I’d risk it all and pay whatever it cost me to get on that plane and bring Avery back home where she belongs.”
“And how ya plan to pay for this ticket?” I was hoping to avoid that question. It was the one I didn’t want to answer.
“It’s taken care of,” my answer was my attempt to stop the conversation.
“Been holdin’ out on me Spence?” he laughed. “Money tree hidin’ in the closet?”
“I called Pops,” I answered, hoping he didn’t ask questions. As always, I didn’t get my wish.
“You asked them for money?” Kevin was as shocked as I’d been that I did it. He knew that was unlike me. I didn’t really contact them at all anymore.
“It’s my money isn’t it?” the same answer I’d given myself. My excuse to make it okay. The reasoning I used to justify that I’d done what I hated doing the most and turned to the people I least wanted to turn to.
“Yea,” he replied. “But ya said…”
“What I said was before this happened. Like I said, I would trade anything for her. Inclu
ding my self-worth.”
“And they gave it to ya?” I could tell he was still surprised.
“What were they going to say Kev?” he knew the answer to that. The same thing they said when they cut him a check every month knowing damn well it went up his nose. Not a damn thing. It was our money. I just so happened to have not wanted mine.
“Ya sit here for years judging me. Telling me how you are so much better because ya don’t take their money. Ya do it yourself.” He was angry and I had to admit, it surprised me. “Ya tell me I’m a loser. And then ya go to them for money because a girl has chosen to ignore you?”
I turned towards my brother. In that moment I was certain that I was about to punch him. The only thing that stopped me was knowing fighting with him would delay my departure. I needed Avery, not the pride of a victory.
“I needed it,” I shrugged. “They have it.” I grabbed my bag and walked towards the door. “Besides, I don’t judge you for taking their money.”
“Sure as hell seems like it,” he shook his head.
“I judge you for sitting there with them every week, pretending that they didn’t do what they did. Just so you can have the money without feeling guilt. So that you can use it to make yourself the same fucking way they are.” He looked astounded as I continued my angry tyrade. “I judge you for putting those God damned drugs above your pride and self-esteem. I judge you for taking what you get and using it to try and kill yourself. I judge you for being everything we both hate just so you don’t have to deal with that hate. More than anything, I judge you for not caring enough about me to do it any differently.”
“After what we — actually after what I— went through, I think it’s the least they could do. I don’t think I’m wrong. You weren’t me Spence. You didn’t face what I did. You can just cry about it and talk about how wrong it was. You don’t have to live with what I live with. I will never feel bad about the choices I make because I didn’t get a chance to make any others.”
“Then I will continue to judge you,” I shrugged.
“Ya gonna tell her?” He asked a simple question that held so much. We both knew what he meant.
Was I going to tell Avery about how cruel the world actually was? Would I open up and explain to her what my life had been like? Could I find it in me to describe the way I’d felt my entire life? Would I tell her about my parents, my life, my drug use, Kevin, the real reason Jamie left?
It wasn’t a simple cut and dry question. It wasn’t a simple yes or no answer. It was…complicated.
It would require not only letting that naive light fade from her eyes. It would require that I faced my own demons. I would have to go backwards and relive my life. Things I’d worked hard to forget. Things that could destroy me.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
Thoughts passed through my mind that I’d prefer to forget. My mother, in all her drunken glory, screaming at me. Telling me how worthless I was. Making sure I understood that I was the demon spawn she’d been forced to live with. Letting us both know every chance she got that she’d have been somewhere else and living a happier life if we’d never have been born. Stuck with us. That was her favorite line. She was stuck with us.
“Ya can’t have something real with her if ya can’t be honest,” Kevin announced, breaking me free from the vivid images playing in my head.
“Coming from you,” I rolled my eyes. “Snorting away the memories, one line at a time.”
“I had more to face than you did,” He answered.
I knew. I’d seen. I’d heard. The sound of his screams. The pleas for her to stop. I remembered them all too well. Kevin had endured a lot. Sometimes only because he didn’t want me to have to.
“Words are just as bad Kev,” I reminded him. “They destroy just as easily.”
“Tell that to the damaged disks in my back,” he laughed. “Or the gash on the back of my head.”
I winced in pain at the thought. Another memory I’d just as soon forget. Pops standing there looking down at Kevin. His blue eyes pleading with our father for some relief. Some help. And nothing. Just a simple question. ‘When will you boys ever learn?’
“My point Spence,” he spoke again, a little more softly this time, “is that ya can’t protect her from the truth and still expect to hold onto her. One of ya will buckle. And so far, it’s proving to be you.”
“I know,” I agreed.
“The world isn’t rainbows and sunshine my brother,” he laughed again. “We know that all too well.”
“Yes, we do,” I replied.
“Well, if you want to spend ya life with little Miss Avery,” he began, “and you are going to go to the trouble of chasin’ her down,” he paused once more. “Then ya need to tell her the truth. And ya need to face it yourself. Otherwise,” he moved closer to me, looking me dead in the eye, “You are gonna keep running away. And one of these times she’s not going to take you back.”
“Thanks for the pep talk Kev,” I laughed as I walked through the bedroom door.
“Tell her!” he yelled “Face your own demons Spence! Let someone love ya for a change.”
And with those words I shut the front door, got into my car, and headed towards Colby’s. We were going to go find Avery. I was going to bring her home. Even if it meant diving deep into my own personal hell.
Chapter 8
There were things other people just didn’t understand. That included Avery. In a way I hoped she would never understand.
When a person grows up with the family problems that Kevin and I had, things that other people take for granted become insignificant. We didn’t have warm and fuzzy family holidays. We didn’t put a lot of emphasis on our birthdays. It’s just the way it was. For as long as we could remember, holidays and special occasions had never been positive or important and so we just kept to the status quo.
Dee tried for a couple of years to make us feel differently about them, but getting two boys that felt discarded by the people supposed to love them to embrace the idea of family was pretty much impossible. Even as adults neither of us had made a big deal out of anything. We just carried on with normal life. There wasn’t much to celebrate so we didn’t.
This year was different. When my birthday rolled around, I found that I wanted to celebrate. I had a reason to celebrate. I had something in my life that was important. Something worth living for. Something worth celebrating. Her name was Avery and for my birthday all I wanted was to give her a day neither of us would ever forget.
I’d been making the plans for two weeks before the big day arrived. I didn’t even tell her what we were doing. She knew it was my birthday and she knew that I’d never really celebrated. Yet everyday she’d ask me the same question. What did I want for my birthday? Every day I’d give the same answer. To spend it with her. She’d giggle and say be serious and I’d know that nothing I’d ever said was more serious than that.
She was all that mattered. Without her, it’d be another day on the calendar that reminded me I’d survived another year. Before Avery, that’s all life was. Surviving. Day to day. Year to year. She is the one that changed that. It was Avery that brought out my smile. She was the reason I was living instead of existing. Making her happy had brought me back to life.
I’d said that to Kevin once and he’d laughed at me. He’d reminded me of various things in life that I’d enjoyed. Things that had made me laugh. Fun that I’d had. He reminded me that not all of my life had been doom and gloom. He was right. Those things and moments had existed. There were memories I had that were important to me.
That wasn’t what I meant. When I said I’d existed and she brought me to life, I wasn’t saying that there’d never been anything I enjoyed before her. Of course I had. I was human. What I was saying was that somewhere I’d lost myself. The person that I really was. He was hidden deep inside of me and had all but died. The Spencer that lived and enjoyed those moments was only a fraction of the person I truly was.
&n
bsp; Avery had brought the rest out. She’d made life enjoyable even when there wasn’t anything fun or exciting going on. She’d made simple moments like breakfast or walking to the deli become fun. When I laughed it was from deep inside. When I smiled it was genuine. I was glad to be alive. For the first time in my life, I truly felt happy just to wake up and know I was in the world. That’s what I meant. That’s why she was my reason to celebrate.
We started off early, going out to breakfast. She was surprised when I’d chosen for us to take the bus and train instead of driving. I just laughed and told her it was part of the plan.
After we were finished eating we’d make a leisurely trip downtown. I’d scheduled for us to rent one of the quadcycles that were available on the lakefront. I’d even arranged to pick up a basket of goodies for a picnic from a friend that lived nearby.
