Forbidden (Addicted to You Book 2)

by Flatman, NJ

“I do,” she spoke softly again.

  “So do I,” I added, hoping she’d finally believe me.

  “Why do you do it Spencer?” she asked, seeming honestly curious and not condescending.

  “I can’t explain that,” the answer seemed logical enough. “My life isn’t all it appears to be.”

  “I didn’t assume it was,” she snapped. “You are too secretive.”

  “Only to protect her,” I defended myself. “That’s all. She doesn’t know what life is really like. I want her to keep that innocence.”

  “That’s cheesy,” she rolled her eyes and took a big bite of food, letting me know she was perking up just a bit.

  “It’s the truth Colby,” it was my turn to look down. “I’m a fuck up. I really am. But I’m the normal one in my family. The pain and anger I’ve seen,” I took a breath. “I don’t want Avery to know that.”

  “You don’t want her to know the real you,” she corrected what I had said. “You’re afraid she won’t like it.”

  “Something like that,” I admitted.

  “I’m pretty sure she knows now,” her words hurt, but were true.

  “Yes I guess so,” the nod was hard to do as I felt the energy drain from me with the realization yet again that I’d caused what I wanted to prevent.

  “Besides,” she shrugged. “She didn’t seem so damned innocent when we were at the parties here.”

  I didn’t want to know. Was she saying that Avery had been with men? Or a man? Or anything that would destroy me. I wanted to ask. But I didn’t want to know. Yet I did ask. Because I had to know.

  “What do you mean?” It was like passing a car accident. I had to slow down and find out what happened.

  “I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Nothing really. Just drinking and talking. Hell, one of the guys……”

  “One of the guys?” I felt my heart clench tight in my chest. What the fuck did ‘one of the guys’ mean? There were guys? Multiple guys? What about this one?

  “I might know where she is,” her eyes lit up. “I might know exactly where she is.”

  “Where?”

  “We can’t go yet,” she continued, ignoring my question.

  “Go where?”

  “He works during the day. I think. He’s usually only there at night. I bet that’s where she went.”

  “Where Colby?”

  “To his house,” she smiled, not realizing what she was doing. “We will go there tonight. I bet she’s there. If not, he will know where she is.”

  And with that she continued eating and the conversation stopped. We had a plan. We were going to his house. The only problem was that I didn’t know who he was. I didn’t know where he was. I didn’t know how he knew her or why he’d know where she was. I most certainly didn’t know why she’d be with him.

  That was the hardest part of all. Why would my Avery be with another man?

  Chapter 12

  “You look like hell bro,” Kevin appeared suddenly in the kitchen and startled me.

  “Says the fucking addict,” I snapped, knowing he didn’t really deserve it. “Sorry,” it was the best I could muster.

  “All good,” he went to the cupboard and pulled out a bowl. “I think I’m hungry.”

  “Taking a few days off?” everyone that knew Kev knew that he barely ate.

  “Something like that,” he poured some cereal into the bowl. “Big guys are coming in for a few days. It’s possible they’ll make us drop.”

  “Well at least something will push you to rest for a bit.”

  “So what you over there sulking over?” I watched as he poured milk into the bowl, hands shaking so bad he spilled it around the counter.

  “I’m not sulking,” I took another sip of coffee. “I’m just not happy.”

  “When are you ever?” it was a fair question I supposed.

  From the time I’d broken up with Avery I had been miserable. The world just didn’t seem like it had much hope anymore. I knew that the decision had been the right one. She deserved better than what I had to offer. She didn’t need to be in the world that I was stuck in. But being without her just might kill me.

  “I hope she’s happy,” I mumbled, knowing damn well I would die a little more if I found out she was with someone and happy.

  “No the fuck you don’t,” Kevin called me out on my lie. “You hope she’s miserable and missing you the way you miss her.”

  “No,” the argument was futile and I knew it. He had watched me mope and whine and stare at a picture of her I had on my phone. He knew better. I knew better. I was just pretending.

  “Bro,” he sat down at the table with me. “Why the fuck you do this? She loves ya. You love her. Yet you end the relationship and sit here bein’ miserable all fuckin’ day.”

  “Like you don’t know the answer,” the glare I gave him was more of a look of irritation that he’d even bother to make that statement. It wasn’t like we hadn’t already discussed it. Hell, we’d had almost the same exact conversation at least three other times.

  “Right,” he nodded. “Your parents are shitty and your brothers a drug addict.”

  “Something like that,” I acknowledged.

  “I’m not an addict,” he took a bite of cereal. “It’s a choice.”

  “Whatever,” we had previously had that argument as well.

  “But,” he sat the spoon down against the side of the bowl. “Let’s say I am. And we both know Ma and Pops are fucked up.” Leaning onto his elbows he looked me in the eye. “Why the fuck would that be a good reason to give up your own damned happiness?”

  “You think I want Avery around this shit?” I yelled. “Watching you snort your life away? Listening to Ma talk about how horrible we both are? Seeing Pops tell me that I am never gonna learn to quit upsetting her?”

  “So don’t have her around,” he shrugged.

  “And when she asks about my family?”

  “Tell the truth. They aren’t worth a damn.” He grabbed his spoon again for another bite. “Why sugar coat life?”

  “Why destroy someone that isn’t already jaded?” It was the question I never could seem to get past.

  “You think if she loves you half as much as you love her that you aren’t destroying her by leavin’?” he laughed. “You think it’s okay to destroy yaself?”

  “I’d rather hurt than have her hurt.”

  “So then move on, bro,” he shrugged again, acting as though none of it was a big deal. “If she don’t matter no more than that, move the fuck on.”

  I sat there, trying like hell to figure out what to say to something like that. I was also wondering what the fuck had gotten into Kevin. He wasn’t much for caring about other people and their happiness. He was a selfish person. Always had been. Always would be. Except for those moments when he’d defended me against Ma. That was the only time I’d ever seen him put someone else first.

  “Shut up Kev,” I ordered, standing and walking towards the coffee pot. “What the hell do you know about love?”

  “Not a damn thing Spence,” he admitted to me, munching on generic corn flakes like they were the last meal on earth. “But I am a fuckin’ expert at loss.”

  He had a point. From the beginning Kevin had lost anything and anyone he’d ever even tried to care about. No one short of Kate had even made it past a few months. It made me wonder if he put on a show more than I knew. Maybe he spent much of his life feeling the way I felt right then. Perhaps he was lonely and hurting more often than I thought.

  It was an idea that made me sad. But it also made me think. If Kevin could go back and keep Kate, would he? If he could wake up to someone that loved him and gave him purpose, would he change the choices he’d made? Did I want to end up like Kevin?

  “Look,” Kevin started again. “If showin’ her ya family is that important to ya,” he turned and faced me, “I’ll clean up for her. Can’t promise it will last long. But I’ll put it away when she’s around. I’ll stay clean and meet her o
n my best behavior. That way she at least meets one decent relative.”

  “Like you can do that,” I huffed.

  “I told ya it’s a choice,” he snapped. “And she can meet Dee and Bill. They will love her I’m sure. And she will never have to know about Ma and Pops.”

  “That’s like lying,” maybe it was lying, but if it allowed me to have my Avery back I just might do it. I missed her more than I’d ever missed anyone or anything in my life. “But it might work.”

  “Of course it’d work,” he laughed. “She’d be okay with the truth. She wants you Spence, not the rest of us!”

  I thought about what he’d said for a few minutes. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to have her back. I’d felt so empty and lost. Hell, Kev had been right. I looked like hell. I’d lost about twenty pounds. I was barely sleeping. My hair was too long and scruffy.

  I needed her. I needed her the way Kev needed his drugs. The way my parents needed their hatred and indifference. Hell, I needed her the way her bitchy friend needed attention. She was the reason I woke up and felt like facing the day.

  I wasn’t joking when I said she was my drug. Everyone had their addictions. The things in life they couldn’t survive without. For some it was cigarettes. Others preferred coffee. Of course you had the ones that needed cell phones or alcohol or drugs. Even more had to have television or music. I didn’t know a single person that wasn’t addicted to something.

  I was the odd ball out. I didn’t care about any of that. I would give up anything and everything to have her in my life. It was that thought that helped me make my decision.

  Yes, I’d give her up if it’d be in her best interest. But why did I have to give her up? Because of my family? Couldn’t I give them up? What was more important, the people that degraded me and made me feel hopeless; or the person that brought the hope and possibility into my life.

  “You’re right,” I announced, sitting down the coffee cup and grabbing my car keys.

  “Always,” Kev laughed. “But what about this time?”

  “Avery,” it seemed obvious to me. “I need her. I can’t let her go.”

  “So you are going to her?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I smiled. “I’m going to beg her to take me back.”

  “Good,” I saw the smile on Kevin’s face and it surprised me. “You are doing what you need to do.”

  “If she takes me back,” the thought bugged me.

  What if Avery wasn’t going to forgive me. I’d broken her heart. She had begged me not to go and I did. It’d been weeks since I had spoken to her. She might not be able to get past that very easily.

  I had to try. No matter how it turned out, I had to give it the best shot that I had. I needed to know that I’d told her how I felt. That I’d begged her to be mine again. I had to know that I didn’t just give up.

  “I’ll be back,” I announced, walking out the door without waiting for a response.

  The drive to her apartment was long and filled with fear. I didn’t want her to reject me. If she did, I wasn’t sure what I’d do. A world without her…..it was just unthinkable.

  I found a parking meter and put in enough change to be there for a while. But walking up to the building took a small pep talk. I feared her reaction. I was afraid she’d have questions. Ones that I wasn’t able— willing— to answer just yet. I still needed to protect her from the cruelty of the world. I didn’t want her to understand my pain and fear. I didn’t want her to see my demons.

  When I did decide to go up to her place, I faced a new fear. Colby. Would she be there? If so, she was probably ready to attack. As bitchy as she was, a part of me believed that she loved Avery. In a painful and controlling way, yes, but loved her nonetheless. She wouldn’t want me to see her.

  Unfortunately, she’s the one that answered the door. And she tried her damndest to thwart my attempt to see her. She stood there glaring, shooting daggers through my heart and potentially my eyes, as she told me that I didn’t need to go inside and be with Avery. She told me that she was just doing better, words that stung. How much better?

  But I stood my ground and I made her let me in. I didn’t hear Avery anywhere, but maybe she wasn’t aware I was there. Or she didn’t really care if she saw me or not. But I cared enough for both of us.

  Walking into the living room I saw her back to me. She sat on the sofa and looked fresh out of bed. Considering she was normally up before dawn, that told me she’d been depressed. The lack of clothing and messy style of her hair, however, told me more. She wasn’t even trying to impress anyone. That meant she wasn’t seeing anyone.

  I saw the hesitation when I said her name and she turned to me. Light filled her eyes, but skepticism filled her face. She was afraid to trust me. Words that she said to me several times through the conversation. But that wasn’t what broke my heart.

  It was when she said she wasn’t beautiful. When she looked at herself with shame. Those were the words that stung. I hated making her feel that way. I wanted to show her just how perfect she was. But I wasn’t ready to explain it yet. I blew it off to fear and begged her for another chance. And she finally said yes.

  Leaving with plans for dinner and a movie, I drove back to Kevin’s place. I needed an apartment of my own. I couldn’t keep sharing her with the bitch. I needed time alone with her. Plus, Kevin was a bit hard to handle. Although I was impressed he was pushing me to fight for what I loved. Even down to agreeing to be sober when I had her over.

  But as I walked into his apartment I was faced with reality. Kevin had fallen out of the chair and was passed out on the floor. Once I’d checked him to make sure it wasn’t an overdose, I simply brought a blanket. He’d been up for so long, I had no doubt that I wouldn’t be able to wake him. He was on the crash end. I remembered those days. Hard as hell to get through.

  I shook my head, grabbed the classifieds and headed to the living room. It was time to make a life for me and the girl I loved. Because she deserved better than this. And if I’d given myself enough credit, I’d have realized then that so did I.

  Chapter 13

  We weren’t very far from the strip we had been staying on, but it almost seemed like a different world. Nice, elaborate houses were situated on the shoreline and had lawns covered with palm trees and other tropical decorations. Some of them had boats and RVs in the driveway, others appeared to be divided into multiple dwellings with up to ten vehicles parked haphazardly outside.

  Colby hadn’t said a damned word since we’d gotten in the car to head this way. I wanted to ask her. Who was ‘he’? How’d they know him? Why would Avery be there? But I knew that we’d barely gotten to a point of speaking and if I asked, she’d have a hateful response. Normally I would deal, but I was pretty sure that as edgy as I was, I would kill the bitch.

  So instead I sat there in the car, watching the neighborhood go by, and wondered what the hell had happened in the time I’d been away from Avery. How did she have someone she was guaranteed to know that lived half a world away? Why was it a guy? What did Colby know that she wasn’t going to share? More importantly, why was I headed to this man’s house to face my biggest fear in the world -- Avery being with another man?

  “Colby,” I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to ask. I had to ask. I needed to know. “Where are we going?”

  “It’s not far from here,” she replied. “I think I will still recognize his house.”

  “Whose house?” the words barely came out.

  “I don’t remember his name,” she laughed. “I barely talked to him.”

  “Then why are we going there?”

  “Are you seriously going to do this?” she faced me, anger in her eyes. “You left her Spencer. I know where she might be. Tuck that jealousy back inside and let’s focus on the goal.”

  “It’s not jealousy,” I tried to argue, but even I didn’t believe myself.

  “Whatever,” she snapped. “We are here to find her. Not to go over your commitment issues and the p
roblems that they might cause.”

  “But I don’t think…”

  “I don’t think you have any right to think anything. I don’t think you deserve her. I don’t think that you should be running that fucking mouth right now. We both hurt her. We want her to be okay. So let’s go to the person she probably turned to when she was left alone.”

  I sat silently. I couldn’t even process what she’d just said let alone debate it. She refused to tell me if I should be concerned about the random guy. She wouldn’t let me know if I had a reason to worry. She was going to watch me panic all the way there and never relieve me or prepare me for what was to come.