Forbidden (Addicted to You Book 2)

by Flatman, NJ

  “I”m scared,” he confessed. “My heart— it’s really fast. I’m dizzy. I’m scared bro.”

  I pulled the phone from my ear, almost throwing it across the parking lot. I’d stepped outside so Avery didn’t overhear anything— just in case. My fear had been that it was something to do with our parents. I’d had no idea that Kevin would be that fucking dumb.

  “And I do what Kev? I come there. Take care of you again. Watch you destroy yourself again?”

  “Just tonight man,” he promised. “I won’t need you again. I’ll stop. I promise. Please. I need you tonight.”

  “I wish I could believe that,” I looked down. “I really do.”

  “I don’t have anyone Spence,” he began to cry.

  “Why?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking. “Why’d ya do it?”

  “They let me out. I did it. I made it. I fuckin’ did it.”

  “Not for long.”

  “I went home. Not the hood. Home. To Ma’s.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ Kev— why?”

  “I wanted to tell ‘em. I did it. I did good, ya know?” I could hear the pain in his voice.

  “And?”

  “Whaddya think bro?” his voice was almost a whisper.

  “Not a good reaction?”

  “She fuckin’ hit me. Three fuckin’ times. Told me I embarrassed ‘em. Now people knew I was a fuck up. She didn’t want me there. I shoulda just died.”

  “So she’s Ma,” I tried to ignore the bile that rose in my throat.

  “She wanted me dead Spence,” he was crying. “Said she’d be better off if we both died.” The bile rose further. “I hit her man. Knocked her on her ass. Walked out.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. The idea of him punching that bitch made me happy.

  “Hit her huh?”

  “Yep.” He sounded proud again. “But then — I felt bad. I wanted it to stop. The words. The voices. The pain from the bruises.”

  “I know.” He didn’t need to tell me anymore. He’d wanted approval. Again. And been disappointed again. So he’d gone straight to the only thing that made him feel good.

  “Help me man,” he begged. “I’m scared.”

  “I’ll call ya back in a sec,” I told him, hanging up the phone.

  Tears fell as I looked down at her. Innocent and trusting. A smile on her face. Sweats that were way too big and her hair a big mess. That was Avery. Happy as she was. I loved her so much.

  But the baggage I carried would be far too hard on her. She’d never seen this kind of life. And Kevin needed me. When it’d been me— when I was the one in the corner terrified and crying— he’d come for me. Standing up to her. Now he was there, and he needed me.

  It was more than I could tell her— and keeping secrets would hurt her just as badly. So I did what I had to. I packed what little I had into a bag. I almost stopped to leave a note— but I knew I couldn’t. She didn’t need hope. I just needed to disappear for good.

  I leaned over and kissed her cheek, whispered words of love as tears splashed against my cheek. What only hours before had been so perfect — so right— had fallen apart without any real effort.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I shut the door on my way out. Grabbing my phone and typing the text, I pulled my keys out to get in the car and leave the only one that’d ever believed in me. Her mistake I told myself. I was a fuck-up. She deserved better.

  I’m on my way Kev.

  I hit send and pulled out onto the road, heading toward South Chicago and away from everything that had ever mattered.

  Chapter 27

  “You okay?” Luke was standing in the doorway, looking at me with concern.

  “Fine.”

  It wasn’t really his business, but I didn’t want to be rude. Luke had been a good friend. He’d helped me out when I’d needed it most. He didn’t deserve an attitude. It wasn’t him. It was that look. He wanted more. He felt more. It made me uncomfortable.

  I was never going to want what he wanted. I’d told him that. But he still looked at me like that.

  “You were out for a while.” He replied.

  “It happens. You should know that.”

  “Avery” he walked into the room, sitting on the chair across from where I was. “What’s going on?”

  Luke only knew part of the story. When I’d come to him that night— the one Colby had left— he only knew I needed to get rid of feelings. So he’d brought me something to help. He’d done it with me.

  I wouldn’t say it really helped. I mean I guess it did. The feelings were gone. All of my feelings were gone. Until it wore off. Then I was back to where I’d been. Unable to cope. Only worse. So it was rinse and repeat so to speak. I’d slept and then woke up and tried again.

  I didn’t know for two days that Colby had left. When I went back to the room she was gone. I had no clue how long she’d been gone. But that bitch had left me. As if I didn’t matter. She didn’t even tell me. They were both gone. Both of them walked out on me. So I’d packed my shit, checked out and went back to Luke’s. That’s where I’d stayed since.

  Other than his creepy looks and innuendos, it hadn’t been bad.

  The day before had been one of the worst days since I’d been at his place. Seeing them. Both of them. Together. What the fuck? They wanted me to come back. They wanted me to what? Pretend they didn’t abandon me?

  But then again— God I still loved him. I didn’t feel much at the restaurant. But after— when the shit had worn off— I’d felt it all. Including jealousy that he was with her. She was his type, right? Always had been. The two pretty people. They made a much better looking couple than he and I ever had.

  Her hand on him. Him chasing after her. It was more than I wanted to ever think about. But it was all that absorbed my mind.

  I’d come home that night and almost fucking lost it. So I’d grabbed the shit and done it and went out. Looking for a party. Any party. Otherwise I’d just sleep it off and there’d be no point. I needed to be active. To see people. To feel good about myself for a few. I didn’t really tell Luke where I went or why.

  Actually I hadn’t told Luke a hell of a lot. He knew Colby had left me. She was mad. He knew my ex had left me. He didn’t know details. I refused to discuss Spencer. Still stuck on that don’t hurt him thing.

  I couldn’t believe he’d let Luke come to dinner. I saw the way it hurt him. Seeing Luke look at me. Fuck it annoyed me. I didn’t want him looking at me like that. That’s why I didn’t look at him. Spencer hadn’t been able to stand it. But he had. It almost gave me hope. Maybe I was right. Maybe he’d loved me after all.

  Colby was the one that’d surprised me. She was upset. As if I’d fucking done anything to her. She should have gotten on her knees. Groveled. Begged me for forgiveness. No, she stormed out like the spoiled little bitch she was. Luke watched her go. I could see it from the corner of my eyes. He liked her. They’d make a good couple. Neither very real. Both self absorbed. But she was too good for him. He wasn’t pretty people. That’s why she hated me. I had what should have been hers.

  I shouldn’t say those things. Luke had been a decent friend. He’d given me a room and anything else I needed. I wasn’t going to stay in South Carolina. I just needed to get my head straight. Or whatever it was you did with all the fucking drugs. Forget life? I guess that was more like it.

  He’d paid my landlord for a few months so I didn’t lose the apartment. I just needed a break. But the diner wouldn’t give me an extended leave, so I’d quit. Fuck, waitress jobs were a dime a dozen. Who needed it?

  Luke tried to take care of me while I was there. As best as he could under the influence.. He made me promise not to do shit alone. I didn’t know what I was getting into. He’d keep me safe.

  He wasn’t lying that I didn’t know what I was getting into. The parties were full of drugs. People doing drugs. People offering me drugs. All kinds of names. Everyone had a different story for how they made you feel. I didn’t unde
rstand them so I just passed and enjoyed what I was on.

  What Luke gave me was good. It wasn’t the most exciting. For the most part I’d get tired and itchy and zone out. But it numbed me. That’s what I’d wanted.

  But the day before I’d spent almost all day on another planet. That was what I called it. I didn’t know how else to describe it. I wasn’t really on earth. I was zoned so far out it didn’t matter.

  I passed out about eight at night and had only been awake for an hour. It was what? Ten at night? When I woke up I’d been pissed off. I was going to call them. I thought I might go on back. But they were gone. Hell they’d been leaving at three. They were already home.

  Fuck.

  “They left today,” I answered. The drugs were gone and the pain was there. I wanted it gone. I wanted the Avery that was there before gone. She wasn’t good enough. She never would be.

  “I know” He put a hand on my shoulder. I had to give him credit. He never pushed me. Not verbally or physically anyway. Just those creepy looks. “Do you want to go?”

  His question threw me off. How do you answer something like that? I wanted to go more than anything in the world. But I wanted to go as I was then. Not the person they’d both hurt and used and walked on. I was stronger. More confident. I walked into a party and I was the center of attention. Not Colby.

  Granted, I didn’t care. I had no interest in any of that. I just wanted to party. Drink. Forget. Whatever it took. But it was nice to hear. It was nice to see. It was nice to feel like somebody.

  “Yes,” I said— my answer as honest as I could be with Luke.

  “Then let’s go,” he smiled, standing up. “I’ll go with you. Don’t worry— I have a place to stay. But I can be there. Help you readjust. We can go out. Meet people. Make sure you are okay.”

  He was avoiding the part he didn’t want to mention. Maybe I’d fall in love with him. Maybe he’d become more important than Spencer. It wouldn’t happen— but why discourage him. He might change his mind if I did.

  He’d went after Colby. Spencer had. It blew my mind. He cared about her being upset. What the fuck had I missed? When did he care more about her feelings than mine? He left me at the restaurant with another man and chased down the bitch he hated. I had to know why.

  I packed my bag and wondered if they’d want me back. They’d left. They’d given up. But did they understand?

  Spencer should know me better. He should have known Luke wasn’t important. He should have been able to see it. Hell, I’d loved him so long he should know what the fuck I look like when I love someone.

  But he’d been jealous. I’d seen it. His fists all balled up. Colby’s hand on his arm. Stopping him. Like she had any business touching him.

  I hated her. I didn’t want anything to do with her. Spencer— well I didn’t know. Love doesn’t just go away. But he’d hurt me. Broken me down. Turned me into what I was. Avery was gone. The one he knew. She was gone. I didn’t want her back.

  I didn’t want that weak little whiny bitch back. The one that fell apart on the beach. The one that hid at home and cried. She’d done nothing but fuck up her own life. She wasn’t worth much. She was the reason he kept leaving.

  I liked life now. I wasn’t going to change it. Not for Spencer. Not for anyone. But I’d be willing to go home. See what he had to say. Possibly even try again someday. As long as I could be me.

  Maybe I’d forgive Colby. When she deserved it. But that bitch had already moved in on the man I loved. She had no discretion. No boundaries. No morals. Fuck her.

  I was tired of living in her shadow. It was her turn. I’d go back and I’d live my life. And she could grovel. She could beg. She could try and win my approval. I was tired of winning hers. It never came. She didn’t want me happy. That’s why she’d stormed out. I was happy, so she pretended to be upset. So that Spencer would chase her.

  Fucking bitch.

  She knew he was hurt. Jealous. Feeling awkward. He’d never sit there with the two of us. Luke made him hurt. So she’d pulled him with her. Hurt me the way she was hurt.

  Well she’d better prepare. I was the new me. And I was happy with it. If she wanted me in her life— she’d have to straighten that shit out. She couldn’t have it all.

  I felt a twinge of guilt at the things I felt. Was I being paranoid? Sometimes it felt like the drugs made me crazy. But without them I wasn’t functioning very well.

  My bag was packed when I heard Luke yell that he was ready and had tickets waiting for us. I was going back to see if things might finally work with Spencer. If he loved me enough to love me like this.

  I grabbed my phone and shot out a quick text to him. Fuck Colby— he could pass the word to her.

  We are coming to Chicago. Will be there by tomorrow. Dinner maybe?

  I hit send and shut the phone off. I didn’t need distractions. When I got downstairs, Luke had it ready. A smile from me was all the thanks he needed. He knew what I’d want before I left. Sitting down I grabbed the needle and handed it to him. I didn’t like doing it myself. Too dangerous.

  We both took our hit and then he put the stuff away telling me he’d get his hands on some when we arrived. Couldn’t have them catch us with it. He was definitely smart about it. I wasn’t sure how long he’d been doing it— but unless you knew him, you’d never know. I only hoped no one could tell about me. I didn’t want them to think I was a druggie. I wasn’t. It was temporary. Numbing the pain. I would stop.

  I smiled as I shut the door to his huge house behind me— knowing I’d never be back.

  I was going home. I was going back to Spencer…. If he still wanted me.

  Coming Soon

  I didn’t ask for love.

  I never wanted love again.

  But Spencer was so perfect. So caring— honest—loyal.

  Avery was different. So full of life— innocence—hope.

  I’d found everything I’d never known I needed. I was afraid I’d lose it.

  She was everything I wasn’t. It scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want to lose her.

  He kept leaving me. No matter how close we got— he always left me.

  I tried to leave, but I couldn’t stay away. I loved her too much. I needed her too much!

  I always took him back, but he never told me why. Why he’d hurt me.

  I wanted to protect her. I needed her— but I wanted what was best for her.

  He kept his secrets locked inside. Why did he keep coming back if he was just going to leave again?

  She couldn’t know the truth about me. The truth about my life. It would change her.

  The pain got worse each time he disappeared until it was just too much to handle.

  She was gone. She was leaving me. That’s when I realized I had to do it.

  I had to make it stop. I had to numb the pain. So I did.

  To let her see the demons, I had to face them myself. So I did.

  Spencer had been my obsession. All I cared about. All I knew.

  Avery was my addiction. I couldn’t live without her.

  But he was gone. I had to move on.

  But I could see it in her eyes. I had lost her. she was gone.

  Turns out when you numb the bad— you numb the good as well.

  Every day I fought the urges that lingered underneath the surface.

  He wanted me back again. He asked me to come home.

  She didn’t believe me. She didn’t trust me anymore.

  I couldn’t show Spencer who I’d become.

  I had to show Avery who I’d been.

  I needed to let him go. I needed to accept it and move on.

  I wanted her back. I couldn’t live in a world without her.

  I couldn’t walk away completely.

  I couldn’t let her go.

  Was the love real?

  Was the love enough?

  He was hiding something from me.

  She wasn’t telling me the truth.

  Could he accept my pres
ent?

  Would she accept my past?

  I was obsessed with forgetting who I’d been.

  I was obsessed with bringing Avery back to me.

  Obsessed— Addicted to You Book 3

  Coming October 2015

  About NJ Flatman

  If you don’t know by now, I am known to most of the world as Jenni.