Unforgivable

by Lindsay Delagair

“I told you all you had to do is ask. If you’re flying out from there it’ll be in my plane. Rent something? Ryan, I can’t even believe you’d insult me that way.”

  “But I didn’t want you to have to fly across country to get her back.”

  Harvey was fishing in the pocket of his slacks and pulling out a wad of keys. “Here,” he offered, pulling two keys off the ring. “Here are the keys to my house and my truck in case you need to go anywhere when you get to the Landing. But, when you take off from there it better be in my plane or I’ll be pissed. It doesn’t matter how long you need it, either. Heck, if I want to go anywhere, I’ll use yours.”

  Ryan handed him the keys to the Trans Am, “One more thing, Harvey. I have a feeling you’re going to have a really big, angry guy coming around here asking questions and wanting to know if my plane is here. I know I’ve got to file a flight plan, but he can’t know I flew out of here with Annalisa-it’s really important. Can I use your name on it? And, I need you to take my car back to your house as soon as possible.”

  Harvey’s eyes cut back to the wedding ring on my finger and then back to Ryan, “Your mom’s okay with you doing this, right? I don’t want her mad at me.”

  “She knows what I’m doing and she’s cool with it.”

  “Load your gear in the plane,” he stated. “Annalisa, I think it’s best if you go ahead and get in the plane and sit down, honey. You look like you’ve had a rough morning.”

  I nodded numbly as he took my arm and led me to the open cabin door. It was very plush inside and I gratefully sank into one of the deep comfortable chairs as Ryan loaded his duffle bags and went through a preflight check. He paused to talk with Harvey and, although I couldn’t hear what they were saying, I could see the serious expression on both of their faces. Harvey finally clapped the back of Ryan’s shoulder and then shook his hand.

  Ryan came aboard and closed the door. He was smiling at me and asked if I was tired.

  “No, I don’t know exactly what I am right now. I just can’t believe I’m really leaving.”

  “How about a flying lesson then?” he asked, the smile getting broader. “Would you like to sit in the co-pilot’s seat?”

  I finally found my ability to react positively as I grinned. I knew what he was doing; he was going to try to take my mind off my problems for a little while. “Why not,” I stated and then moved up to the nose of the plane.

  He put on his headset and instructed me to do the same as he began talking with the tower. “Okay, Leese, I’m going to let you start her. See the start button? Okay push and release it. Now take the throttle and pinch the trigger. That’s good. Push it forward over the gate, now release the trigger and pull it back down to idle.”

  The engine began to whine to life as he explained what was occurring by showing me on the big display in the center of the console. He began to explain about the pedals and the yoke, but then he got the approval from the tower and the airplane began to move forward. Next thing I knew, we were moving smoothly down the runway as Ryan pulled back slightly on the yoke and I could tell that we were no longer on the ground, but had become airborne. He made a large arc and turned the plane north as I watched Florida shrink smaller below us.

  “Okay, Leese, take your yoke very gently. I want you to slowly pull back until the altitude indicates 35,000 feet.” He pointed out where the altimeter was among the controls and as I gripped the black instrument, he released his side and showed me that I had control of the plane. “Hey baby, you’re flying!”

  I smiled outwardly, but having him call me baby caused a pang of regret that I was here with him. I knew I had made the right choice, but my heart was still screaming full volume to turn around and go back, to find another way, any other way, other than to leave Micah behind. I brought the plane to 35,000 feet and stopped.

  “Now you want to know something really cool? You like to drive fast, but right now you are flying at 390 miles per hour-pretty awesome, huh?” he was beaming behind those blue eyes.

  “Yeah, pretty cool,” I said, trying to have enthusiasm in my voice. “How long will it take to reach this place-Heaven’s Landing?”

  “It’s in the mountains in the very northern part of Georgia. My mom and I vacationed there with Harvey and his family last Christmas. It should only take us about two hours in this plane.”

  “So, what’s after Georgia?”

  “Well, this is your escape, but I was thinking we could fly out to Colorado after a couple days at Harvey’s place. I know some people out there and I think we’ll be pretty safe.” He reached over and gently touched my arm as I held the controls, “You can relax, Leese. We’re going to be fine.”

  “What did you tell your mom?” my voice sounded strange as it came across the mic.

  “I told her that you were in a tight spot and needed my help,” he said, settling back in his seat and watching the horizon.

  “And that was enough for her?” I couldn’t mask my disbelief.

  “I told her this was going to give me some time to decide about the military. She’s nagged me to change my mind ever since I decided to follow in Dad’s footsteps. So, to tell the truth, I think she’s hoping you’ll put me on a different path.”

  I swallowed hard. I had put him on a different path, one that was just as dangerous as flying into a combat zone.

  The next two hours passed quickly as Ryan explained every instrument on the displays, talked about a few of the crazy things he had done when flying, and spoke more freely about his dad. It was obvious how much he loved his father and, at one point, he simply went silent to keep from getting emotional.

  I marveled at the beautiful mountains below us when I saw the landing strip appear in the distance. I wasn’t expecting anything impressive, after all this was supposed to be a housing community, but it was a straight, smooth 5,000 foot concrete strip on top of a mountain done as well as any commercial airport.

  “Okay, Leese, I think I’d better handle this part,” he said as we lined up with the runway.

  He set us down as gently as a feather gliding to earth and then turned and taxied to a group of hangers in the center of the strip.

  Once the airplane was secured, one of the men that assisted us getting it into the hanger offered us a ride up to Harvey’s house. He had a small pickup truck, so Ryan said we’d ride in the bed. I’ve never ridden in the back of a truck and it was actually fun, but what made it even better was the fact that we weren’t sitting in the cab making up stories as to why we were here.

  The house was a single story ranch with a lot of natural stone and wood on the exterior, set on a landscaped acre of ground with a long range view down the mountainside. We waved goodbye to our ‘country taxi,’ as Ryan called it, and went inside. The interior of the house was like stepping into a log cabin. There was a huge stone fireplace, rough sawn beams across the cathedral ceilings, heavy wooden furniture with oversized cushions, and a large kitchen with pine board cabinets and granite countertops.

  Ryan set down his bags and said we’d better head into town if I wanted to have something different to wear by tomorrow.

  “I know you may think I’m being a little dramatic, but it might be a good idea to see if Harvey’s got a couple ball caps or something so we don’t look so much like-like us.” More importantly was that I didn’t look so much like me. Over the last several months it wasn’t odd to see my face on the front of a tabloid or newspaper. I had been offered to be featured in People magazine when I came out of the hospital, but I wasn’t ready for the world to completely jump into my life.

  It didn’t take him long to find a pair of caps. I ran my fingers through my long hair, pulling it away from my face and into a makeshift bun at the back of my head and secured it with the cap. Ryan slipped on a Cessna cap over his silky black hair and asked if I was ready. I nodded and we went out to the garage.

  Harvey’s truck was much bigger than what we’d ridden in to his house. It was a Dodge Ram 2500, with over-padded cloth seat
s and a plush interior. It felt as if it took up half the road as Ryan carefully backed it out of the garage and turned it toward town. It left me wondering what it would be like to drive something so big. Every vehicle I’d had was small compared to this, and Ryan made it look easy as we drove down the mountain.

  By one-thirty we were pulling into a Super Wal-Mart. We locked the truck and headed inside as I gave a sigh.

  “What’s wrong?” Ryan asked as he snagged a buggy from the parking space beside us.

  “I’m going to have a complex about Wal-Mart,” I said, shaking my head.

  He gave a half laugh and asked why.

  “It seems that every time I’m on the run, I end up at a Wal-Mart, once with Mom, Micah and now you.”

  “They say the third time is the charm,” he said, flashing his dazzling smile, “So I must be the charm.”

  “Well, come on Charming, we’ve got a lot of stuff to buy.”

  We picked up enough groceries to last us three or four days and then I grabbed two new duffels, jeans, skirts, shirts, shoes, and a big purse. I did find it interesting that Ryan would not go into the ladies unmentionable aisle with me as Micah had once done (without so much as a blush). Ryan stood far away by a display of apples and acted as if he were thoroughly inspecting each piece of fruit.

  When we rolled up to the pharmacy area where the cosmetics, bathroom items, and feminine products were kept, he made a beeline for the blood pressure machine and must have taken his pressure three times as I walked around picking up things I needed.

  I finally grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the machine as I explained that I needed his help with something. He looked petrified until I took him down the hair color aisle and asked for his opinion on what to dye my hair.

  “Black, definitely black,” he stated grabbing a bottle of color.

  I pulled it from his hand and placed it back on the shelf, “No. I want your opinion on what shade of blonde to buy. I’m cutting it, too,” I added as I grabbed a pair of shears and threw them in the buggy.

  He picked up an electric trimmer and said he guessed he needed to change his appearance as well. He grabbed a bottle of light auburn hair color and put it in the cart.

  “Red?” I was trying hard to keep the funny lilt out of my voice, “I can’t picture you with red hair.”

  “Well, I can’t picture you as a blonde, but you will need streaks he said grabbing more hair products.

  “I don’t want streaks,” I protested, afraid I’d come out looking like an odd type of skunk if I let him get carried away.

  “Too bad, you’re getting them. I mean, if you aren’t going to let me dye it black then you’re going to, at the least, have great blond highlights.”

  I frowned and started for checkout before he decided I needed a little bit of blue or pink streaks, too.

  We loaded the counter as the cashier began scanning our items. She kept looking at us and smiling.

  “Ya’ll must be newlyweds,” she finally bubbled out, as her eyes went from my spectacular rings back to our faces.

  “Yup,” Ryan lied, putting his arm around me and giving me a squeeze, “her luggage got lost on our flight from California to here, which sucks for a girl.” He was covering quite smoothly for the fact that we were buying a tub-load of clothes for me and nothing for him.

  “Aah! I know what you mean, honey,” she said as she gave that little southern flick of her wrist. “My sister lost her luggage when she flew in from Vermont last year. Lordy, it was terrible how long it took before they finally found it. It had gone all the way to Washington State. How long ya’ll been married?”

  I couldn’t speak, but that was okay because Ryan was on a roll.

  “Since yesterday; this is our honeymoon,” he winked at the cashier.

  She blushed and kept ringing up items, “Where ya’ll stayin’? Up at the Dillard House? I hear it’s real nice there.”

  “No. My uncle loaned us his cabin up in the mountains to the east so we can have a little piece and quiet.”

  “That’s real sweet,” she was saying, enjoying the fact that the handsome guy with me was chatty while I was about as talkative as a patio chair. “You got yourself a quiet one,” she said glancing from Ryan to me, “You don’t say much, do you, sweety?”

  I shook my head as Ryan leaned toward the clerk, “She lost her voice last night-a little too much screaming.”

  The cashier was blank for a second and then turned scarlet, “Oh, sakes alive! She got herself a wild one when she got you.” She gave a giddy laugh.

  “Ah!” was all I managed to squeak out as I slugged his shoulder.

  He laughed, rubbing his arm, “See I told you, no voice.”

  “That’ll be $434.27,” she stated as she dropped the last item into a bag.

  Ryan was going for his wallet when I smacked him again, “I’ve got it,” I growled as I peeled five one hundred dollar bills from a $10,000 stack tucked in the bottom of my purse. I had left the rest of the money at Harvey’s house since my purse wasn’t big enough to carry it all, but my new purse would be more than adequate.

  “I guess I didn’t get all her voice last night,” he continued teasing the cashier, “but that’s what the honeymoon is for, right?”

  She just laughed as she handed me back the change., “Ya’ll have a nice time in Georgia, ya hear.”

  “Oh, we will,” he called back as I was shoving him toward the exit.

  “Geez, Ryan, you’re an idiot!” I snapped, but I was starting to laugh under my pretense of anger.

  “Hey, you’ve just got to have a little fun with people sometimes,” he said as he grabbed the bags and put them on the back seat, “See, I even got you to smile.”

  He was right. I couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off my face if I tried.

  All the way back to Heaven’s Landing, Ryan was cracking stupid jokes and I was laughing in spite of the dismal mood I wanted to wallow in.

  “Okay, home sweet home.” He pulled the truck into the garage and pressed the button for it to close. “It’s just you and me now, baby girl.”

  I tried not to let my heart go wild on me. He and I spending time alone would be different from when Micah and I pulled off this feat. Micah was under the promise of being a perfect gentleman; Ryan and I had no such agreement. I wasn’t afraid of him; the problem was I was afraid of myself. Inside I was hurting so badly from what I’d done today, that I craved understanding and gentleness. Ryan embodied both those qualities.

  It had only been a few hours ago that I had kissed him, and the feel of his tender mouth against my own hadn’t diminished. I needed tenderness so badly and I wondered how my heart could be so completely crushed, and my body could have these irrational needs. Learning about satisfying needs with Micah, set my body on a path I’d never traveled, and right now I hated my body and all the thoughts that came with it as I followed my handsome friend into the house.

  I put my bags on the kitchen table and rummaged through them looking for the scissors as he put away the groceries. I hated the idea of cutting my hair, but it had to go, and I needed something to do to get my mind off the Ryan dilemma.

  “You’re ready for a transformation right now? Don’t you want to relax a little bit?”

  “The longer I look like me, the more likely someone will notice, and I don’t plan on leaving a bread trail to wherever we happen to be.”

  “At least let me do that,” he said following me into the bathroom.

  “You? Have you ever cut hair before?”

  “Actually, yes. I cut my sister’s hair. Of course, I was eight and she was sleeping, but it looked pretty good considering I only got half of it.”

  He took the scissors from my grip. At this point I didn’t care and I wasn’t expecting salon results. I only hoped he could at least make it even.

  “Close your eyes,” he whispered in my ear.

  “Gladly,” I said with a cringe.

  I was facing toward the mirror as he began, b
ut I never once peaked. One thing I knew was that he was cutting it really short. I could feel the cold blade of the scissors near the bottom of my ears and around the top of my neck as he worked. His fingers were running through my hair now, short as it was, and I could feel him pulling it upward, making cuts as he went. This was going to be a disaster. He turned me to face him, but I still didn’t open my eyes. He was pulling hair in front of my face and cutting somewhere around eyebrow height.

  “You’re not giving me…” I had to spit hair off my tongue. “…bangs are you?”

  “Bangs are cute and don’t talk unless you want another mouthful of hair,” he warned.

  Several snips later and a few more times running his fingers through my hair, he turned me to face the mirror, “Okay, see what you think.”

  I still didn’t open my eyes.

  “Leese, you can look now.”

  “I don’t know if I want to,” I whined.

  “Come on you big baby.”

  I didn’t budge.

  “If you don’t look then I’m going to kiss you while-”

  My eyes flew open. I wasn’t in a proper frame of mind to fend off a kiss from him. The sight in the mirror was a total surprise. “Oh, wow! Ryan you’re-you’re actually good at this. It’s adorable.” It was a slightly longer version of a pixie cut and he had pulled it with his fingers and made it somewhat spiky.

  “I just wish you’d let me dye it black instead of blond. I think you’d look good with black hair.”

  “It wouldn’t be that you are a little partial to black, would it?”

  He smiled. “Time to shave mine off,” he sighed, handing me the scissors and leaving for the kitchen to get the electric trimmer.

  “Do you really have to like shave your head? Couldn’t you just cut it a little bit shorter? It’s going to look different when we dye it.”

  “I was going to have to shave it off for the military anyway,” he said, returning to the bathroom with the cutter in hand and found me crying.

  “God, I can’t believe I managed to screw up your life, too.”

  “You didn’t screw anything up,” he said, cupping my face in his hands. “I was going into the military for the wrong reasons and you are just slowing me down a little and making me reevaluate if it’s what I want to do or not.” He kissed the tip of my nose, scaring me in the process because I thought he was going for the lips.