by Toni Mari
Jet—he didn’t want to leave Jet. I had groomed and tacked him up right outside Jet’s stall, and he’s been living with Jet all week. He was having separation anxiety.
Puh! I could care less. I pulled hard on the reins and swung him back around. My sympathy was at an all-time low.
“Let’s go, you big shit.” I was more than happy to hand him over to Kate. I slouched over to the chairs at the end of the arena.
I expected Kate to gallop him around again, but she didn’t. She kept him at the walk as best she could because he tossed his head and danced sideways. She started making him go sideways and around on small circles. He tried to stop and rear again, but she didn’t let him.
As she passed me, she said, “I can’t tell if he’s limping or what. Can you?” her voice was tight.
“No.”
She glanced sideways at me. I just shrugged. He couldn’t be hurting too bad if he could jump around that much. Finally, realizing I wasn’t going to say anything more, she started riding him like a normal workout. After five minutes of dancing sideways and tossing his head, he decided to go forward. Kate encouraged him and they began to trot briskly around the perimeter of the arena. There was no sign that he was favoring his injured foot.
After she handed him back to me to cool out, he kept turning his head to look for her. I gave him a rub down, making sure he wasn’t damp with sweat or out of breath. I checked the water and hay in his stall and kicked the bedding around to see if it was deep enough before I put him back in. I even handed him a few treats. It wasn’t the same. I missed my Paddy. I missed him grabbing my shirt and nudging me for more treats. And I missed riding him.
After I left the stall Windsong didn’t even turn around. He tried to stretch his neck up over the top of the wall to see Jet. I shoved my face against the bars and just watched him. He shifted, took a bite of hay, then his head popped up. He had just spotted me. He stopped chewing and stared. I didn’t move.
“Go on. Eat. What do you think I am going to do? Beat you with a whip?” I sighed. “You’re such a lunatic. What? I can’t even look at you? Eat already.” I turned and slid down the stall wall and sat on the cold cement. What was Paddy doing right now? Was he as jumpy and suspicious as this horse? Nah, not my Paddy. I guess I can’t say that anymore. My Windsong. That didn’t sound right.
When I said I wanted to do NAJCs, I thought we would find a rock star horse for me, not a horse with rocks for brains. I didn’t have much time to qualify this year: five months to get three qualifying scores at three different shows. Everybody knows that you don’t get a high score every ride, so I needed room to spare. And we had to create a musical freestyle, choosing music and choreographing more than twenty movements. And I couldn’t even see myself riding this horse. Fuck! What have I done? I put my head in my hands.
“Princess?”
Shit, where did he come from? “Fuck off,” I mumbled through my hands.
“Nice manners.” Cory slid down the wall next to me. “Boyfriend dump you?”
Much as I felt like punching him in the head, I didn’t want him to see me crying. Again. I tried to discreetly wipe my tears onto my jacket sleeve.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I was just kidding.” Cory put his hand on my arm. I just shrugged him off. He waited a few minutes in silence. When I still didn’t say anything, he stood up. “All right. See you around.”
I watched him walk away. He didn’t look back. Just as well. Part of me wished he would have, but this was better. Although the other day he seemed to be nice, he would have found a way to make me feel even worse. As I watched him reach the far end of the barn, I couldn’t imagine how.
Chapter 10
“Where’s Windsong?” I unsnapped my seatbelt and twisted around to look out the back window of my mom’s car. He wasn’t in the pen next to the barn and neither was Jet. I searched the fence lines. If they had escaped, they would most likely hang out near the other horses. None of the horses I could see were disturbed. I threw the door open and leaped out before my mom completely stopped the car.
I glanced into Windsong’s and Jet’s stalls, but they were empty. “Kate! Kate!” I yelled breathlessly as I ran down the aisle. I burst through the door into the indoor, startling the horse and rider who were coming down the rail. “Windsong and Jet are out. I don’t know where they’ve gone!”
“Be careful, Jane,” Kate said impatiently, waving an arm toward the pair recovering from spooking. “I moved him. Cory had a show, so Jet is gone for the weekend. I put Windsong in with Bud. You know where Bud’s pen is?”
I glanced briefly at the pair. “A show? Do you mean a rodeo?”
“No, a show. Go get Windsong ready.”
I huffed out a breath. My heart was slowing back to normal. “Okay.” I headed back out. My mom was in the doorway. “False alarm. Kate just moved him.”
“Thank goodness. You had me panicking.” Mom kissed my cheek. “I’ll pick you up later.”
I unbuckled Windsong’s halter from the gate where it hung. Bud was a black half-draft horse, with a big white blaze and white stockings on all of his legs. He was as unflappable as a brick house. I walked into the pasture, which was twice the size of the pen by the barn. Bud lifted his head and started toward me. Windsong looked up and followed. I pulled a treat out of my pocket and gave it to Bud when he reached me. He took it gently and rubbed his giant head against my hand. He was a sweet old guy.
I walked around him toward Windsong. Windsong immediately picked up a trot, circling away from me but coming back to Bud. Bud just stood there, patiently waiting for us to finish our little game. He lifted his chin as Windsong dodged past me and scooted under his neck. Obviously, I wasn’t going to be able to walk up to Windsong, so I would have to get him to come to me.
I put the lead rope around Bud’s neck and gently tugged him forward. I probably didn’t even need that; he followed me easily. Windsong bumped into the big horse’s rump, trying to get him to run away too, but Bud ignored him. I gave him another treat. I held Bud by the gate, picking big handfuls of grass for him from the other side of the fence where his nibbling lips had not been able to reach. Windsong stood beside us, watching closely. When I moved toward him with the halter, he jacked his head up and backed away. I decided to ignore him. I kept giving the grass to Bud. Windsong started reaching for it. I made him take a step toward me and reach out before I gave him a handful.
I gave Bud another treat and offered one to Windsong. As he reached for it, I closed my hand. He took a step closer and nudged my fist. I held up the halter. “You can have this as soon as I put the halter on you.” We looked each other in the eye. He lowered his head and stepped toward me.
After I slid the halter behind his ears, I gave him the treat and smiled. I rubbed my hands up and down his neck. “Good boy! Good boy!” He took a step back, but then allowed me to continue.
He followed me quietly to the barn as I gave him treats along the way. He seemed fascinated by the treats and forgot to jig and wiggle. He walked close to me, constantly letting his nose bump into my shoulder. I didn’t think he was begging. He always bumped Jet and, today, Bud out in the field. It must comfort him. After a week of tacking him up for Kate, I was charmed that I could finally comfort him.
I gave him the best rubdown. His black coat gleamed, and his tail was long and thick, spectacular. I loved flowing, elegant tails. I tacked him up and put his protective boots on, chattering to him as I worked. For the first time, he watched me as I walked down to the tack room and nickered softly when I came back. I used up my whole bag of treats.
Windsong was licking my hand making me giggle when Kate walked over. I smiled at her. She stopped and looked at us, then nodded her head.
“Your turn. I’ll hold him. Go get your helmet.”
“Whhaat?” I was not prepared for that.
I hadn’t been on Windsong since the day we tried him out. Kate had ridden him all week, and he did settle some in her experienced hands. Well, he
didn’t try to rear every five minutes, but I wouldn’t exactly call him calm. I put my foot in the stirrup and eased myself onto his back. I was afraid to move my body parts for fear he’d explode. He stood still, but his head was straight up and his neck as hard as a rock. Our new flirtation apparently did not continue under saddle. My neck and shoulders were tense, too. I gently shortened the reins and rubbed his neck. “It’s me up here, boy. Easy.”
“Go on, walk,” Kate instructed.
I closed my leg and Windsong lurched forward. I snatched the reins back and he hopped up in a half rear. I clutched his mane and he stepped sideways.
“I’ve got you.” Kate grabbed his bridle. “Easy now. The two of you are nervous wrecks. I’ll lead you until you both calm down.”
I was supposed to qualify for the Junior Team and I had to have a pony ride on my own horse? Pathetic. The sense of accomplishment I felt earlier dissolved. In its place was hopelessness. I can’t do this.
“You can do this, Jane.” Kate read my mind. I already knew she could read a horse’s. She laughed. “You are wound up like a clock. I can see your muscles bulging. He’s more energetic and responsive than Paddy, but he’s much better trained.”
“Maybe I can’t do this,” I said in a small voice. I hadn’t let go of his mane yet.
“I know you can. I am going to let go now. Make a ten-meter figure-eight at the walk.” Kate let go.
For fifteen minutes, Kate coached me through walk figures. It was bumpy. I overused my legs and hands, being accustomed to Paddy’s dull responses, and I held the reins tighter than Windsong liked. He kept his head up and moved jerkily, yanking at the reins periodically.
I didn’t waste any time leaping off Windsong as soon as Kate said I was done. I handed him off to her and dragged myself to the chairs at the end of the arena, exhausted physically, from holding myself so tight and stiff, and mentally, from the fear that clutched my brain. This was like starting over, like I didn’t know how to ride. NAJCs? I shook my head.
As I lead Windsong back to the barn, he did that thing, bumping his nose on my shoulder. I held my hand out, and he licked it.
“Good boy.” I mumbled. My phone rang, but neither of us jumped. I patted Windsong’s neck and he bumped my shoulder again.
Caller ID said it was Megan. “What’s up?”
“Wanna go to the bowling alley with us tonight?” she asked.
“Is it a double date?” I was suspicious.
Megan laughed. “Not really. It’s a group thing. Bobby will be with us, but he doesn’t have to be your date.”
I sighed. “Okay.”
In a typical bestie psychic connection, she said, “What’s wrong? The cowboy piss you off again?”
“No. It’s just my new horse, he’s really hard. I miss Paddy.”
“A night out will cheer you up then. Be ready at seven o’clock. We’ll pick you up.”
Someone needed to tell Bobby that it was not a date. He made sure we were on the same team. He bought me food. He cheered even when I threw two gutter balls in a row.
He kept asking me if I wanted to go out to the parking lot with him. Someone had beer and a few kids at a time would go out and swig one down. I used my “I am a nondrinking athlete” excuse, but really I just didn’t want to go out there with him. Each time he came back in, his breath was worse and his jokes got ruder and louder. John, who was driving me home, was not going out to the parking lot at all.
Despite Bobby’s attention and being as bad at bowling as I was at riding Windsong, I had a great time. Go figure. This was how the popular people lived. When John pulled up in front of my house, I was tired but pleased. It didn’t gross me out too much when Bobby leaned in to kiss me. I just turned my head and he got my cheek.
Kate didn’t work that weekend, so I just groomed Windsong and fed him treats. He really did have the most beautiful coat. When Megan said everyone was meeting at the pizza place, there was no reason I couldn’t go. The other cheerleaders actually called me over and, giggling, asked me about Bobby.
“We’re not dating, if that’s what you mean,” I stated firmly.
“Did he kiss you yet? He does this thing, leg, lips, boob, tongue. Same every time.” The petite blonde dissolved in a fit of giggles.
“Here, sit next to me and tell us about him and you. What was your first date?” another girl said, patting the booth next to her.
“We only went to the dance. We aren’t dating,” I tried to explain again.
“Oh my god! Don’t you just love his car? Bucket seats are a little too small though, if you know what I mean.” The blonde winked.
What was wrong with these girls? Couldn’t they hear me? I was about to repeat myself when I heard my name. The girls let loose another round of giggles. I looked up from my seat at the wall of Bobby’s body.
“I got you a Coke. I can get you a slice from the pie too, if you want.” He slid a tall, dripping soda cup toward me.
“Um, thanks.” I looked down. My eyes were bugging out.
“Do you want the pizza?”
“Oh, no. Right. Thanks though.”
“Kay. I’ll be over here.” He strutted away.
It felt like the entire cheerleading squad was staring at me. I glanced frantically around trying to find Megan. She was in another booth with John. “I gotta go talk to Megan.”
I leapt up and slid myself into the booth next to Megan. “Megs, I need help.”
“What’s up?” She had both her hands on the table and John was holding them in his. She gave him an apologetic smile.
“Um.” I glanced at John. He smiled encouragingly. “Well, I didn’t want it to be. ’Cause the other girls are saying it. I don’t know what to do.”
“You’re not making sense. What are they saying?” Megan asked.
I glanced at John again. I whispered, “Like I’m Bobby’s girlfriend.”
“Who cares what they say?” She tossed her head.
“But he’s acting like it,” I moaned.
“Who’s acting like what? I can talk to them,” John volunteered.
“Nothing.” I said quickly, shaking my head. “Forget it. I’m fine.” Over John’s shoulder, I could see Bobby watching us. He made eating motions and nodded his head toward the pizza. Megan and John gazed into each other’s eyes and had already forgotten me. I rose slowly and went for the pizza.
Bobby followed John over to my locker Monday, where I was talking to Megan.
John tapped Megan’s arm. “Come on, Megan. I gotta run you home and get back here for a meeting before practice.” Megan nodded and they walked off.
Left alone with Bobby, I stuttered, “Me too. Bus.”
“I could give you a ride home, Jane.” Bobby reached for my books.
“No, that’s okay.”
“Come on.” He tugged the books out of my hands.
“But what about your meeting?” I said desperately.
“I don’t have to go. I have plenty of time before practice.” The guys played basketball, and then baseball after football season ended. There was always practice.
He had my books, and it would have caused a scene to ask for them back. I followed him to his car. Nice, a black Mazda.
When I was sitting stiffly in the front seat, he asked, “Want to grab a cappuccino?”
“I can’t. I have to get to the barn.”
“The barn? Is that your job?”
“No.” I drawled. “I have a horse. That’s where he lives. I have a riding lesson today.”
“I’ll drive you to the barn, too. Are you allowed to drink coffee? You know, your athlete diet thing.”
It really would have been much easier if he drove me to my house and then to the barn, and then I wouldn’t have to stuff my bike into the back of my mom’s car later that night. And even if we stopped for coffee, I would get to the barn faster than on my bike. I said yes.
Bobby stopped his low-slung sports car right in front of the barn door. Talk about service. He g
ot out even though I told him he didn’t have to. My arms were full of my boots, my coffee, and a bag of treats, so I couldn’t stop him from leaning down and giving me a kiss on the cheek. As I scurried into the barn I wiggled my cheek to erase his lip print. His tires ripped into the dirt, spewing clumps, as he pulled out.
I rolled my eyes. A cowboy hat was silhouetted against the patch of sky at the other end of the barn. Cory was back! “Cory!” I called before I could control myself. The person didn’t turn around.
I dropped my stuff and looked in Jet’s stall. Empty.
Should I run down there? What was I thinking? I didn’t want to see Cory, did I? No.
I jogged down the aisle anyway.
“Jane!” Kate called from the indoor. I swerved into there. Just as well.
“Anna called me, today. I just wanted to let you know that she said Paddy is doing great. Lauren loves him. They are working on their first-level movements.”
“Great,” I said dully. I haven’t trotted on my horse yet, but that little kid was already riding up a level. “Yeah, thanks.”
I jogged to the end of the barn and there was no sign of Cory. His brown truck wasn’t in the lot. Maybe that wasn’t him. I shrugged and headed out to get Windsong.
Chapter 11
Bobby drove me to the barn after school every day. There was something wrong with me because I didn’t like it when he kissed my cheek after I got out of the car, but I let him. The cheerleaders were right. His car rocked! And the whole arrangement was so convenient that I told myself it was for my horse—it gave me more time to train.
On Friday, he followed me into the barn. “Jane, I have to ask you something.”
I dumped my stuff on the floor in front of Windsong’s stall. I automatically looked in Jet’s stall; still empty. “What?” I said absently, already slipping into barn mode.
