by Toni Mari
“Will you come to my game tonight? It starts later, and after we’re all going to Packer’s cabin by the lake.”
Oh no. “Ride,” I stuttered, without looking at him. I didn’t want to go on a date with him. “I have to ride.”
“Oh, I know. It’s okay if you get to the game late. All the action is in the last half anyway.”
“It takes me forever, and then I have to shower and stuff.” Crap, now I couldn’t go with Megan.
“Come on,” Bobby cajoled. “It’ll be fun.” He picked up my hands and squeezed.
“Okay,” I mumbled looking down at my shoes.
“Great!” I felt Bobby’s lips on my cheek. “Great. See you later.”
How did I get myself in these messes?
I turned around, and froze. Cory stood not ten feet away. He glared at me.
“Oh!” I glanced back over my shoulder. Bobby’s car was halfway down the driveway in a cloud of dust. Cory looked out the door, too. His jaw hardened.
Say something. I can explain.
Without a word he spun on his heel and left, moving fast. I started after him, but then stopped short. I didn’t owe him anything. One kiss, a hug, it meant nothing. I watched him walk out of the barn and disappear from sight. He had kissed me once—one unforgettable kiss—but it didn’t mean I couldn’t be kissed by someone else. I shook myself. It was none of his business. I didn’t have to explain myself. Oh, damn! I threw the bag of treats I was holding against the wall, where the bag exploded. I kicked a treat as hard as I could down the barn aisle.
My ride on Windsong, what a joke! I trotted some figure-eights. Big deal. I couldn’t seem to ride more than three steps straight ahead without panicking and slamming back on the reins. Windsong’s hind end was like the back end of a drag racer at the start line. We danced around the arena a lot, but I wouldn’t call it dressage. The only consolation I allowed myself was that at least I was doing better than that trainer, Pete, had. I was able to stay on for fifteen minutes before handing him off to Kate.
“Hi, Mom.” I slid into the car and tossed my stuff in the back. “Hurry. I’m going out tonight.”
“Really? That’s new.”
“Basketball game. Can you drop me off there when I’m ready?”
“Sure. How’s Windsong?”
“The same. Sometimes I think I made the biggest mistake ever. Sometimes I really want Paddy back.”
“Not possible, honey. You just have to give it time. You’ll do fine.”
“Time is what I don’t have if I want to qualify this year,” I pouted. “Can we look for a different horse?” I looked at her hopefully.
She glanced at my face. “Tell you what. If you still feel this way after a month, we’ll talk about it with Kate. But you have to at least give it a month. Deal?”
I sighed. “Yeah.”
I sat behind the cheerleaders at the game. Bobby waved when he spotted me, a big grin splitting his face. Even though he wore a basketball uniform, he still looked like a football player: big shoulders, thick, lumbering body. Heads turned to see who I was, and I wanted to hide. It was almost embarrassing enough to make me get up and leave. The ref’s whistle blew and people turned back to the action of the game. I put my cool hands on my hot cheeks. Was the party worth this?
We piled in John’s car to ride to the cabin. Another player and one of the cheerleaders rode with us. The four of us were stuffed into the back seat and I was practically on Bobby’s lap. He took advantage by putting his arm around me. I cocked myself sideways to fit with my back toward him, pushing his hand away from my boob. I tried not to pay attention to the side of his body pressing into me. Nobody seemed to notice. We fell out of the car, laughing, when John and Megan opened the doors.
We had parked between trees on a wooded hill. An enormous log home loomed out of the darkness. I had been picturing a hunting cabin, but this was winter ski lodge cabin. A deck the full length of the back of the house was lit up with spotlights and tikki torches. Tables were mounded with food and drinks, and a keg of beer squatted in a half-barrel of ice. A group of adults sat around a small fire pit. Outdoor heaters hummed on the deck. The yard, dotted with giant oak trees, sloped gently down to the lake. A row boat was tied to a small dock at the water’s edge. Another fire pit lit the yard, and a small crowd of kids were scattered among the blankets and benches arranged around it. We joined the crowd.
This time when Bobby offered to get me a beer, I said okay. It wasn’t like I was really in training. I barely rode my horse. So, I deserved to have a good time. And maybe Bobby would become more attractive after a few beers. Maybe his kisses would taste better if I had beer breath too. I was determined to have fun.
I sat on a blanket by the fire and watched people. They appeared to be having a blast—talking loudly, laughing like braying donkeys, and draping themselves over each other. Megan plopped down on the blanket. With my arm around her shoulders, I laughed loudly at anything she said. Each time, she looked at me oddly. “Do you want something to drink?”
I was surprised my red plastic cup was empty. Who drank all that beer? “Another beer. I must have spilled it.”
“Beer? Are you sure?” She cocked her head at me.
“We are here to have fun, right? Beer equals fun.” I lifted my cup in mock salute.
Megan tapped her cup to mine. Hanging on each other, we meandered over to the beer keg and filled our cups. I laughed when I held my cup under the tap too long and beer spilled over my hand. See, I was laughing and hanging on people; I must be having fun. Megan left me on the blanket and went off to hang on her fellow cheerleaders.
These were the popular people. This was how they had fun. As Bobby’s date, I became one of them. I took a chug of beer. Blanketed in a soft fuzzy haze, I watched Bobby float toward me. I gulped some more beer because my theory wasn’t working.
Bobby asked if I wanted to go for a walk by the lake. I’d need more beer for that. I took another big swig. I held up my hand but made no effort to stand. After tugging uselessly a few times, Bobby dropped down on the blanket with me. I grabbed his beer out of his hand and swallowed. He laughed and started roasting marshmallows. Yum, until the beer and the marshmallows mixed together in my stomach. That didn’t feel good. I made a face.
“You alright?” Bobby asked.
“Ohh. They’re making me sick. No more.” My head and my stomach were swimming.
Bobby laughed, “Poor baby.” He leaned back against a tree and pulled me between his legs up against him. One good thing about Bobby was that I didn’t have to worry about what I would say to him. He wasn’t interested in talking to me. I leaned back and shut my eyes. Bad idea. The world started spinning, so my eyes popped back open. I only had that one cup of beer, with one refill. Oh, and some of Bobby’s, and just a few sips of Megan’s.
Bobby’s big chest was something solid to lean against. Packer had strung a cord from the house and had plugged in his iPod. The crowd around the fire got bigger. The cheerleaders screamed lyrics at the top of their lungs and then collapsed in fits of laughter. I giggled too. The music hummed inside my head and the warmth from the fire soothed my nerves. I forgot it was Bobby I leaned against and snuggled deeper. His arms came around me, hands aiming for my chest. I jerked upright, which made my head spin again. He steadied me with his hands, and then started to pull me in for a kiss. With the world revolving around me, I concentrated on not tumbling over. Bobby’s mouth was open and his tongue pushed through my lips. He pulled me closer, stroking my thigh. He started to push me down onto the blanket, still worming his tongue into my mouth. The ground tipped and I was falling, so I clutched his shoulders and accidentally bit his tongue as I tried to save myself.
“Ouch!” Bobby let go of me and put his hand to his mouth. I banged backward, my head bouncing off the blanket.
“Ouch!” I rubbed my head, glaring at both Bobbies.
“Are you okay?” Two of Megan’s faces floated over me.
“Pee.” I t
ried to push myself up, and Megan grabbed my hand. I stood shakily, struggling for balance. Giggling and leaning on each other, we started toward the bathroom. I waved my hand airily behind me. “Right back,” I mumbled.
We went into the bathroom together. “Beautiful house,” I slurred. I sat on the toilet, but the bathroom kept spinning, so I held onto the side of the bathtub. “Home, please.”
Megan giggled. “You’re smashed. You go to the car. I’ll go find John and Bobby.”
“Let Bobby stay lost.”
“Jane!” Megan giggled again.
I wobbled to the car and sat on the bumper. I held my head with my hands to keep it from rotating off. This would probably be the end of my cool popularity. I obviously couldn’t handle my beer. I closed my eyes and drifted up into the woods.
Someone grabbed my hands and pulled me up. “What are you doing here?” I smiled. Cory wrapped his arms around me, his lips covered mine. I put my arms around him and pressed closer. Cory had gained weight since our last kiss. I smiled and started to tease him about it. When I opened my mouth to talk, a tongue poked in. This kiss wasn’t as nice as the last one. Was he messing with me again? I pushed him off me. “Fuck off, Cory,” I mumbled.
“Who’s Cory?” Bobby’s face was stony and he dropped his arms from around me.
My eyes popped open, and I put my hand over my mouth. Whoops! I giggled.
The ride home was dead quiet. It was a good thing, because I had to fully focus on not allowing the contents of my stomach to come up.
“Thanks, John,” I mumbled as I slid out in front of my house. Maybe if I marched up to the door without looking back, Bobby would just go home. No such luck. He beat me to the sidewalk; he was better at walking on ground that was rocking back and forth. I had a tough time. He slid his arm around me and helped me up to the door. “Oh, thanks. The ground won’t stay still. It’s crazy.”
“Shhh. You’re drunk. We don’t want to wake your parents.” He turned me around when we got to the door. I clutched his arms because everything kept spinning. When he leaned in for a kiss, I gave him my cheek.
Bobby let go of me abruptly. “What is it with you tonight? You won’t let me touch you. I thought we were together.”
I staggered a little, then steadied myself with my hand on the door. “Well … , I ... uh.” No words came. Brain not functioning.
He stepped in again and started to put his arms around me. I turned my head and held him off with my arm. “No,” I whispered.
“Why not? You were liking it back at the party,” he hissed.
“Was not.”
He put his arms around me and pulled me up against him. I flopped against him like a rag doll. “My girlfriend is supposed to do what I want. My girlfriend is supposed to be with me. You’re with the most popular guy in school, dammit.”
“Bobby, listen. Not. Going. To. Happen.” I spoke slowly and carefully, enunciating every word.
“Yes it is.” He held me tighter and leaned down to kiss me.
Well, that cleared the fog from my head. I was so stupid. Jock brain had a high opinion of himself. I ducked my head down and buried it in his chest. “No.”
“No?” He released me, shoving me backward. I fell on my butt. “They said you wouldn’t put out. That you’re a tease. Go find another sucker to tease, ’cause I’m done with you. Don’t bother waiting for me to give you a ride on Monday.” He stalked back to the car.
“Asshole.” I tried to pull myself up by the doorknob. “Cowboys do kiss better than jocks.”
Chapter 12
I was standing in the barn aisle, wrapped in Cory’s arms. His lips were just about to touch mine when Windsong started kicking the stall wall, making an awful racket.
“Quit it, Windsong!” I commanded and turned my face back to Cory.
I was all tangled up. I couldn’t move my arms. I came awake rolled up in the sheets like a mummy.
“Jane! It’s eleven o’clock! When are you getting up?” My mom knocked urgently on my door.
“Coming!” I answered. Oww! That hurt my head.
“I have to leave in thirty minutes. If you need a ride to the barn, be ready.” I heard her footsteps pounding down the hall. Couldn’t she walk a little softer?
I sat up and moaned. “Ibuprofen. I would pay someone a million dollars for Ibuprofen right now.” I looked at the clock: ten fifty-eight. I would usually be at the barn already riding Paddy by now. I started to get up, but then let myself plop back down. There was no Paddy, only Windsong. I wouldn’t be riding him, so who cares about going to the barn. I looked at my pillow, I could just not go. I couldn’t just not go. I don’t know if it was habit or another reason I wasn’t willing to even think, but I was going. I stood, waited for the room to stop spinning, and then went to find some painkiller for my head.
I swallowed two pills with water from the bathroom sink. I didn’t recognize the tired, puffy face looking back at me in the mirror. Worse than last time, the black smears of makeup under my puffy eyes and stiff, frizzy hair sticking out every which way made me look like a drug addict. I tried smiling, but that hurt my head. Oh, and what was that smell coming out of my lips? Gross. I brushed my teeth twice and swirled mouthwash around until my gums went numb and I couldn’t stand the pain on my tongue a second longer. I scrubbed my face with hot water and face wash, rinsing and rinsing until it felt raw. Still it wasn’t enough of an improvement. Makeup, I needed makeup. I was only going to the barn, but I didn’t want to look this bad.
“Let’s go!” Mom shouted from downstairs.
Crap! I scraped my stiff hair up into a pony tail and stuffed a baseball cap down over it. That will have to do. I galloped down the stairs and banged out the front door to my mom’s car. She wasn’t in it.
I whirled around, and she was just coming out the door. “You flew right past me. Did you have something to eat?” Mom asked.
“I’m okay. Maybe a cappuccino on the way.” Actually, the thought of food alarmed the gently rolling liquidy feel of my stomach. More liquid sounded much safer.
The barn was busy. I passed people tacking up their horses as I made my way to the indoor looking for Kate. I stopped to chat with each one, sipping my cappuccino and patting their horses. These people were my friends. We all wanted to talk about our horses. Who else but another rider would want to hear the details of how each and every ride went? Someone said Kate was teaching outside in honor of the warm sun and mild winter day. I reached the end of the barn intending to walk out to the dressage arena to ask Kate what my plan should be, but I saw a cowboy hat silhouetted in the wide barn entrance up the hill. My shyness came back with a vengeance. The pounding in my head returned, matching the pounding of my heart. I started slowly out the back end of the barn.
Down and to my left, three horses were being ridden in all different directions in the outdoor dressage arena. I looked up at the sky, clear blue with bright sun shining. It was a lovely February day. Not exactly warm, but above freezing with no wind; a good day for a horse person. I glanced casually toward Cory. He wasn’t looking my way, but toward the arena next to the western barn where a cowboy was tearing around and the dust he kicked up rose above the wooden fencing surrounding the sand arena. The rider raced his horse back and forth, ripping his mount’s head around by the reins. He was kicking so hard, I could hear his spurs jangling.
I looked back at Cory, lifting my hand to wave, but suddenly he took off toward the arena. He put one boot on the bottom rail of the fence and vaulted over. He caught up to the little gray horse, ripped the rider out of the saddle and dropped him on the ground. The little gray trotted to the gate, his head straight up and his eyes wide. I jogged to the gate and slipped through.
“Easy, boy. I’ve got you.” I gently reached up and took hold of the reins. He didn’t resist. He was breathing heavily and seemed happy to stand quietly. He was a pony, really. I could easily see over his back to where Cory towered over the rider and his voice punched the settling dust.
“What the hell are you doing?” Cory demanded. “You were hurting that damn horse!”
The rider mumbled something.
“Ride like me? Shit, that was abuse, not riding. You wanna be like me, lose the spurs and put a softer bit in his mouth. Then take lessons!” Suddenly, he held out his hand to help the guy up.
“I ever see you ride like that again, I’ll kick your ass! And I’ll put spurs on to do it. Now, go get your horse.” Cory turned toward the horse, saw me, and froze.
The kid came up to me and took the reins. “Thanks,” he mumbled.
“No problem. Make sure you treat him nice now.” I gave him the horse and smiled at Cory. No response.
“Hi.”
Cory started to turn away. Really? What was he so mad about?
“Cory, wait.”
He stopped but didn’t turn to face me.
I hesitated a second, but when he still didn’t say anything, I said, “Are you okay?”
“No!” he replied sharply. “I mean, I’m just pissed.”
“At me?” I squeaked.
“No.” He waved his arm in the general direction of the departing horse and rider.
“Oh. Yeah, that poor little horse.”
“No!” he said again and looked at me with disgust on his face. “I mean, I didn’t know he was just a kid ’til I had him flying through the air. I didn’t mean to hurt him.”
“At least you stopped him. That kid was beating the shit out of that pony. Somebody had to tell him.” I shook my head.
Cory didn’t say anything, just looked at me. Did I say something wrong? My heart started pounding again. His eyes bore into mine. I thought for one second they warmed, and I opened my mouth to say something but then snapped it shut when no thoughts entered my head.
Cory spun away from me. “Too good to be true. I gotta go.”
“Cory, wait.” I put a hand on his arm. His muscles trembled under my fingers.
