You Had Me at Hello

by Mhairi McFarlane

  Caroline’s eyes snap back open.

  ‘He’s so grumpy at the moment. Work’s getting on top of him. He spends all his time in the study or walking everywhere with the phone clamped to his head. I saw him at the bottom of the garden, trying to talk to someone when he was meant to be mowing the lawn. I had to get him to stop before we were sifting severed toes out of the grass cuttings.’

  ‘He’s very, er, driven,’ I nod.

  ‘I know. I wonder if we’re ever going to slow down, sometimes. We have the big house, the cars, the holidays. All we share is Newsnight and Waitrose Thai-for-two dinners. I’m ready for a change.’

  Caroline and Graeme have agreed to start trying for a baby next year. Like the pair of ultra-organised executives they are, they worked out a schedule.

  ‘Well he’ll have to slow down if you get pregnant.’

  Caroline makes a sceptical ‘harrumph’ at this.

  ‘Can I ask you something, Rach? Personal?’

  I throw the roast potatoes around the dish a few more times, jam them in the oven, pick up my wine and utter a decisive: ‘Yes.’

  It’s nice to be back among people who think they have to check before they ask something personal.

  ‘How was it between you and Rhys, bedroom-wise?’

  ‘Uhm …’

  ‘Don’t worry, you don’t have to tell me.’

  ‘No, no. Er. OK-ish. Bit routine. Usually Rhys after a night out with the lads, crawling into bed smelling of fags he wasn’t supposed to smoke any more, whispering “Would you be adverse to a cocking?”. ’Course I’d say “The word is averse.”’

  ‘Oh, great,’ Caroline rolls her eyes.

  ‘We’ve separated,’ I remind her.

  ‘I know! That’s what I was eye-rolling about. The split-up couple were doing it more than me and Gray.’

  ‘Caroline, Rhys and I did not split up because of sex, or the lack of it.’

  ‘I know.’ She picks at the cuff of her floppy, fine-knit jumper. ‘Lately Gray has the sex drive of a panda.’

  ‘Is that a lot? Or not?’

  ‘Well, zoos fly in dates for them from China and it’s on the news when they get one of them pregnant. Whaddayouthink?’

  ‘Ah. Right. Well these things ebb and flow, it’ll come back.’

  She nods, grabs another olive. We’re interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. I welcome Mindy and Ivor and pour them a glass each, too.

  ‘To Rachel’s new start,’ Mindy toasts, and as we clink glasses I’m reminded of a similar toast to Ben and Olivia.

  Since meeting Olivia, I’ve barely dwelt on how much I envy her. Not because I don’t envy her, but if I started, I’d never stop. I’d curl in on myself like those magic fish you get as cracker gifts, or corrode like limestone in a hail of acid rain. Although it’s a shame she’s not got a better sense of humour, since Ben has a good sense of humour all of the time. When Lucy was wittering that her son might have ADHD, Simon said ‘Can he sell me some? Street price?’ and Ben and I cracked up; Olivia only wrinkled her delightful nose. I think Ben should’ve held out for delightful nose and a funny bone.

  Although everyone has to have one more glass of wine than I intended, lunch is eventually ready, even edible, and by putting the serving dishes on the counter we all fit round Rupa’s tiny Shaker table.

  ‘Tell us about the date, Mind,’ I prompt, once all plates are full.

  ‘It was fun, yeah,’ she says. ‘We’re going to try that new restaurant on Deansgate on Thursday. Jake’s doing an MA in international business so we talked shop a lot.’

  ‘Maybe you can give him a Saturday job?’ Ivor says.

  ‘At least I’ve got a date, Ivor, whether he remembers John Major’s government or not.’

  Ivor grunts at this and helps himself to another potato.

  ‘Ooh, how did the dinner party go?’ Caroline asks me.

  ‘Fine, yeah. I’m out of practice at all that show-and-tell malarkey, but I think I muddled my way through.’

  ‘So, come on, what’s Ben’s wife like?’

  ‘Beautiful …’ I say.

  ‘Naturally,’ Caroline says.

  Yeah not all natural, she looks like she goes down the electric beach to catch those blue rays, I think, before I can squash the thought.

  ‘… And nice. I didn’t get to talk to her much, they had some friends there. They were good at doing the talking.’

  I briefly relate the baby discussion, among other things.

  ‘Ben’s wife asked you if you wanted babies?’ Mindy asks.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘That’s offside.’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘Yeah, you don’t say that to someone who’s split up with their fiancé, do you? Supposing you had gynae issues or something and that was behind the whole break-up?’

  Ivor makes a stifled groan.

  ‘What?’ Mindy demands. ‘I’m serious. What if Rach had said “My insides are all wrong”? “I’ve got an incompetent cervix”? What would they have done then?’

  I nearly spit my Brussels sprout out.

  ‘They’d wish very much she hadn’t said it, like I wish you hadn’t?’ Ivor says.

  ‘An incompetent cervix is a thing, my aunt had it! When she had my cousin Ruksheen. Had to be in bed for, like, three months. So not worth the trauma, I tell you. Ruksheen’s a grotty skank.’

  ‘Amazing,’ Ivor says.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Rachel’s dinner party to a family member’s fanny in one smooth move.’

  ‘Thanks for your concern,’ I tell her, once my laughter subsides.

  ‘People take advantage of your sense of humour,’ Mindy says, staunchly.

  ‘How’re you?’ I ask Ivor.

  ‘OK thanks. Katya’s finally going, she’s handed me her notice. Travelling in South America, off by the end of the month.’

  ‘Ding dong, the vegan witch is dead,’ Mindy says, smoothing her peacock-blue skirt over her legs.

  ‘Ah, she’s not that bad really,’ Ivor says, rubbing an eye.

  ‘Oh Ivor!’ Mindy wails. ‘How often have we heard Katya this, Katya that? “Katya threw my Peperamis in the bin!” “Katya nailed an African fertility symbol to my wall and made big holes in the plaster!” “Katya made me watch a PETA video about ocelot farming and I couldn’t sleep for a week!”’

  ‘I don’t think I said it was a week,’ Ivor says, glancing at Caroline and myself.

  ‘Now she’s going, it’s “she’s not that bad really”. You’re such a wuss.’

  ‘All I’m saying is, she’s easier to tolerate with an end in sight.’

  ‘That end could’ve come sooner if—’ Mindy breaks off as Ivor mimes a sock-puppet talking movement with one hand.

  ‘Are you going to be seeing more of Ben and his wife then?’ Caroline turns to me.

  Difficult question. It’s time to play the ace.

  ‘Maybe. I’ve got a date with Simon.’

  ‘Simon that I met?’

  ‘Yep. Lawyer friend of Ben,’ I add, for Mindy and Ivor’s benefit.

  ‘That’s great! What brought about this change of heart?’ Caroline asks, almost putting her cutlery down in surprise.

  I rather fear anticipation of this reaction is what brought about my change of heart. If everyone’s watching what happens with Simon, no one’s scrutinising any other parts of my existence. Misdirection. For my next trick, I’ll need an assistant.

  ‘Spirit of adventure,’ I offer, vaguely.

  ‘This is great, Rach.’

  ‘What’s he like?’ Mindy asks.

  ‘Yeah, give us the vital stats, what weight can he bench press, who’d play him in his biopic?’ Ivor rattles off, looking at Mindy.

  ‘Tall, blond, posh, confident, good at cutting remarks. Uhm, Christian Bale with a bleach job? Rupert Penry Jones for TV?’

  ‘A catch,’ Caroline concludes, through a mouthful of roast chicken.

  Do I want to catch Simon? I’m pretty sure I don’
t.

  ‘I know it’s soon but you have to seize opportunities,’ she adds, after swallowing.

  ‘Yeah, that’s what I thought,’ thinking, I didn’t think that at all. I remember Simon grabbing my elbow as I left, murmuring: ‘Can I see you again?’ Yes seemed the only polite answer. Also, it was hardly unflattering to have someone who gave that ‘only going for the best of the best’ speech after me, even if I’m hoping most of that dastardly bastard routine was bluster.

  ‘When are you going on this date?’

  ‘Don’t know. He asked, said he’d call me. I still think we’re a wildly improbable pairing but no harm in confirming it, I suppose.’

  ‘That’s the spirit.’ Satisfied, Caroline sips from her glass and looks approvingly round the room. ‘You know, this place is almost worth the money. Not quite, but almost. Even if Rupa’s cupboards are about as bare of essentials as our student dump.’

  ‘Is now the time to ask why the gravy is in a vase?’ Ivor says.

  31

  The embezzling payphone in our student house wasn’t the first sign our landlord was a south Manchester Fagin. Our detached des-res in Fallowfield had been advertised as a three bedroom – we were without Ivor, who was on a year out in industry.

  At the end of the viewing Caroline asked ‘What’s in here?’, trying the handle of a door downstairs. The landlord looked as nervous as if she was a new bride trying to breach Bluebeard’s tower.

  ‘That’s Derek’s room,’ the landlord said, as if every deal came with a Derek. ‘He’s staying on. That’s why the rent’s so low.’

  The three of us exchanged a look. Not that low.

  ‘Derek.’ The landlord rapped with his knuckles. Derek produced himself – a hulking, greasy kind of character, and grunted a hello. He was an astrophysics post-grad, which was supposed to cover why he had a telescope on his windowsill.

  We made our excuses and promptly left, and over lattes at the nearest café, agreed there was no way we were moving into a house which came with a loner perma-lodger. Then we got more lattes, and carrot cake, and started discussing how spacious the rooms were, how many damp-smelling terraces we’d trudged round, and that Derek didn’t seem that objectionable, if you broadened your mind and held your nose. We called the landlord back and said we’d take it.

  Luckily, Derek seemed to lead a largely nocturnal existence and spent most weekends visiting his family in Whitby. Where Dracula landed. No further questions, your honour.

  He was away on the night of our first noteworthy social event after we moved in, a Halloween party at the university union. I’d spent the day with a stomach bug, throwing up on an hourly basis, getting a chance to closely examine all the corners our cleaning rota didn’t reach in the bathroom. I felt deeply aggrieved that I’d not drunk any alcohol to get in this state, and the bug was about to prevent me trying.

  Downstairs, a sexy vampire and a brown-skinned witch in stripy tights, balancing a bumper-sized plastic bottle of scrumpy on her hip, gazed at me as I limped into the hallway to say goodbye.

  Caroline put the back of her pleasantly cool, black nail-varnished hand against my forehead.

  ‘Yoor absholutely burwing ug.’

  ‘What?’

  She removed her plastic fangs. ‘You’re absolutely burning up. Want me to stay?’

  ‘No, I’ll be OK.’

  ‘We’ll have one for you!’ Mindy said, hoisting the cider and adjusting the brim of her witch hat.

  I felt my gorge rise.

  ‘Fanks,’ I said, thickly, as if I was speaking through false teeth too.

  An hour or so later, there was a knock.

  ‘Who is it?’ I shouted, without opening it.

  ‘A bloody cold cold caller,’ came a familiar voice.

  I opened the door. Ben was buttoned up to the nose in his coat. He yanked it down to chin level so he could speak. ‘How are you then?’

  ‘Phenomenally wank,’ I said delicately, standing back to let him in.

  I was self-conscious about being seen in my voluminous cotton comfort pyjamas. The somewhat psychedelic pattern depicted farmyard animals with slice-of-melon smiles playing musical instruments.

  ‘Where’s your costume?’ I asked Ben, to divert his attention.

  ‘Fancy dress is a terrible way to ruin a good party. Funny, everyone there is got up as ghoulish and scary, and here you are looking more like death than any of them.’

  ‘Did you stop by to tell me this?’

  ‘No, I’ve come to check on you. What’ve you taken for this flu?’

  ‘Two paracetamol, a while ago.’

  Two loose paracetamol I’d found at the bottom of my make-up bag. I had to pick a stray hair off one of them. I felt my gorge rise again.

  ‘Right,’ Ben said. ‘I’m going for supplies. Save me a space on the sofa.’

  ‘Ben, you don’t have to do this.’

  ‘Oh, I know.’

  ‘Here you go,’ he said on return, passing over the tablets with a glass of water, as I malingered on the sofa. ‘These are the business, but they’re strong. You on any other drugs I should know about?’

  ‘Only the pill.’

  Ben grimaced. ‘I didn’t need to know that.’

  I threw them to the back of my throat, swallowing them without water.

  ‘Jeez,’ Ben said.

  ‘I have tons of spit in my mouth,’ I explained, pointing.

  ‘Great,’ he made a sickly smile.

  He up-ended the contents of his shopping bag: mineral water, crisps, fat Coke, crackers, Berocca and more paracetamol. He sat down next to me, started flipping channels.

  I gave him a sideways look.

  ‘Don’t you mind missing the party?’

  ‘Put it this way. The welcome cocktail was something called “Bitches Brew”.’

  ‘Ooh, do you think it was made from real bitches?’

  ‘Hard to tell.’

  ‘Cast your mind back. Did it taste of Georgina Race?’

  Ben swatted my head with the TV guide. ‘Caroline said when she left you looked like an orphaned marmoset on a Monday morning. I thought, oh shit, I know that look, and then my conscience wouldn’t let me stay out.’

  ‘Orphaned marmoset!’ I laughed, feeling inordinately touched at his affection.

  I settled back into my half of the sofa and we started bickering happily over what to watch, agreeing on The Breakfast Club.

  ‘You are her. In a nutshell,’ Ben said, after a few minutes, indicating Ally Sheedy, peering out from under the fur on her parka hood.

  ‘Compulsive liar basket case? You’re the geek in a jock’s body. You’re Anthony Michael Hall trapped inside Emilio Estevez.’

  ‘Urgh, what a thought.’ Ben paused. ‘At least you don’t think I’m the jock. Do you know what a girl in halls called me, last year? Bland Ben. Blen.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘She said I was …’ I saw a slight colour rise in Ben’s face ‘… she said I was “standard issue tailor’s dummy” and “pleasant” and got on with everyone and that I was blah. BLEN. Being condemned as boring is the worst thing, isn’t it? If someone calls you an arsehole you can work on being less of one. If a boring person tries to be interesting … they’re probably just being more boring.’

  ‘Utter cow!’ I cried. ‘I bet you, no, I promise you, she was rejected by some lad who looked like you at school and is taking it out on you. There’s nothing wrong with being nice.’

  ‘Nice,’ Ben smiled, yet winced.

  ‘Kind, then. Thoughtful. Not a twat. Puts people at their ease. Popular. You are not bland. She doesn’t know you well enough to know you’re not up yourself about your looks. I think she was mistaking decent for dull.’

  I realised I’d said more than intended and kept my gaze on the television.

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, sounding gratified, perhaps even faintly surprised.

  Ben opened a packet of Hula Hoops, turned the bag towards me in offering. I took one whiff, ju
mped off the sofa and ran upstairs to the bathroom, trying to stifle the heaving before the bowl was in sight. After I’d brushed my teeth three times, I returned to the living room, pale and wan.

  ‘At least your lungs sound strong,’ Ben said. ‘Silver linings.’

  ‘Stomach lining, mostly,’ I said, and he put a hand over his mouth, the crisps back down on the coffee table and one thumb up.

  Half an hour later, despite only Volvic passing my lips, the nausea returned. I didn’t have time to get upstairs and bolted through Derek’s room and to his en suite, trying not to look at anything that might be lying around. I held my hair out the way and heaved, my body aching from the effort when I’d finished, pulling the handle and slumping against the china cool of the bowl. I dragged myself over to the sink and rinsed my mouth. There was a soft knock at the door and Ben put his head round.

  ‘Better?’

  Beyond vanity, I nodded. On the verge of tears in my pathetic physical state, regressing to childhood, I whimpered: ‘I don’t want to be sick any more, Ben. I’m so tired.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I want my mum,’ I added, barely kidding.

  ‘What would your mum do?’ he asked, not rhetorically.

  I lifted and flapped my arms, helplessly. ‘Give me a cuddle? Make me hot lemon squash.’

  ‘You’ll have to make do with me and Berocca, then.’

  Ben came in and put his arms around me. It felt nice to be supported by someone stronger and healthier, as if I might absorb some of it by osmosis. I leaned my head on his shirt. We stood there for a moment. I let him take my weight, completely, forgetting to be self-conscious.

  ‘You make a nice mum,’ I mumbled.

  ‘I always hoped one day the woman of my dreams would say those words to me,’ he said, ruffling my vomity hair. I would’ve poked him in the ribs in reprisal, but I lacked the motor skills.

  32

  The greatest fiction in courtroom dramas is not the number of times lawyers shout ‘Objection!’ or the pacing up and down with direct, emotive appeals to the jury. It’s the whip-crack pace of the dialogue. Forget those flourishes in summing up that turn a case on a sixpence: real court cases are exercises in mind-numbing pedantry, as facts are picked over in necessary but toothcomb detail.