Coming Back

by Lauren Dane

  Jessi tapped his fist with her own, making Adam like Duke even more.

  “Right on. Let’s go get dinner now while everyone is ahead.”

  CHAPTER

  Fifteen

  Mick sat out in his car for a long time before he finally went around to the back door of Jessi’s studio. It wasn’t quite eight and she’d been up late the night before. She’d spent the night there to meet a deadline.

  Back at the house, he and Adam had slept fitfully—though they’d had dinner with Jessi and hung out at her studio until after midnight.

  He got it. She needed to work. Sometimes he had to work long hours too. But he missed her.

  And he needed her.

  Unsure if she’d be awake, he paused until the scent of freshly brewed coffee hit him.

  “Jessi?” Mick called out as he headed up the stairs to her studio loft.

  She met him as he got to the top, music drifted out at her back.

  “Hi! Come hug me.” Jessi reached toward him and he met her in one more step.

  She smelled like sleep and sex and everything that made him feel better. “Good morning, angel.” He kissed her before they headed toward her tiny kitchen area.

  “Want a cup of coffee? It just finished brewing about two minutes ago.”

  He nodded and she made them both a cup before joining him on the bed.

  “I was going to eat pie and tell you I had a kale smoothie. I’m still going to have pie, but I’ll share it with you.” She held up a bakery box and two forks.

  “You have secret pie?” Sipping his coffee, he was so glad to be there.

  “You know. So it’s not a secret. Duh. Because I’m being healthy I’m forgoing ice cream.”

  “When you put it like that it’s much clearer.” He dug into the pie along with her.

  “So. You’re here to visit me and I’m not complaining because I love being with you. But it’s not as if we aren’t going to see one another tonight. What’s wrong?”

  It had been a week since she’d told him and Adam about the incident with Mick’s dad. A week with a lot of thinking.

  “I need to talk to someone about this situation with my dad. And I have friends to do that with. People I can trust, like Asa and Duke. Adam too, of course.” He chewed his bottom lip a moment, and she put her mug aside to get a little closer.

  “But none of them know the whole truth of it. Of what it was like for you.”

  He shook his head. “Only you know. Only you know it all.”

  “But you feel like you can’t tell me because, well, because it happened to me. I can’t pretend to be unbiased. Not ever when it comes to you, and certainly not when it comes to what happened between me and your father. But I’ve been your best friend a very long time. I love you, and I promise to do my best to listen to you and tell you the truth.”

  “But you didn’t. Not for years.”

  She breathed in slowly. “No, and if it had been up to me you’d never have found out.”

  He had been upset with her for not telling him. Years and years had passed and she’d kept her silence. He’d gone to see his parents, never knowing his father had treated Jessi that badly.

  “I keep coming back to how I invited you to the grand opening and you came. You came and you were there for me. Excited for me. You knew they’d be at the event.”

  Jessi shrugged. “I’d hoped.”

  “That they’d be there? Really? Why?”

  “Because you needed them to be,” she said with infinite patience as she ate her pie.

  “That’s…”

  “Complicated.” Jessi laughed and patted his knee. “I’m entirely capable of disliking your family and also hoping they do right by you because you love them and want them to love you back.”

  “This is where I needed to talk to you most. Because.” He stopped speaking, knowing once he said the words out loud there’d be no more ignoring them.

  Jessi got up to top off her coffee, doing the same for him. She fiddled in the fridge and brought over a plate with some fruit and cheese on it.

  “Pie is awesome and all, but some protein might help your blood sugar.” She nudged the plate toward him as she settled back in across from him.

  “After you finished telling us last week, the words just sort of rattled around. Echoing. Vibrating and getting louder and louder. I was ashamed because he mistreated you. He used his size and your gender to hurt you and scare you. Because of me.”

  “Not because of you. No one made him do it, Mick. Your father made his choices.”

  He held Jessi’s gaze for long moments. “Exactly. So guess what? You don’t get to feel guilty for it either.”

  She flipped him off. “Are you new here or something? Do what I say, not what I do.”

  Mick stole a quick kiss and then took her advice and ate some of the cheese and apple.

  “I can’t remember a time when I ever felt comfortable around my father.” He’d always been on guard with his behavior. Even before he’d come out at fifteen, Mick had been different. He loved to read. Loved to draw.

  But his father mocked anything he saw as womanly. Mick had to draw in his room, always taking his sketchpad to school in his backpack so it wouldn’t be found in his absence and destroyed.

  He asked the wrong questions at Sunday school. He was curious about things, always asking how and why. Until the age of seven or so, when he’d finally shut up and did his asking at the library.

  Which also made his family suspicious.

  Mick hadn’t really known how good it felt to be hugged and touched all the time until he’d started to spend time with the Franklins. He got his hugs there. He asked his questions, debated philosophy with Addie until the late hours as a teen.

  “And I see now that you didn’t tell me because you know me so well. Know how much I wanted them to finally fucking love and accept me for who and what I am. And I’m not mad. I’m head over heels in love with you, and that’s just the epitome of why.”

  She smiled, but it was sad at the edges.

  “So a few days ago rage burned into a sort of clarity. The man who did that to you isn’t someone whose respect I need anymore. I’ve realized at long last that things are never going to be what I hoped for. They’ll never be satisfied. There’s no future with them where I’m comfortable or at home.”

  She sighed, grabbing his ankle, her touch reassuring.

  “I feel… nothing. No, that’s not exactly it either. Whatever there was between us that kept me bound to them, that’s broken. I can’t—no, I won’t—hide being in a relationship. I could have been circumspect and respectful of their beliefs, but they will always want total capitulation from me. Nothing short of a total denial and discernable absence of anyone they disapproved of would be enough. Eventually, even if I went along, left everyone I cared about to play their game, they’d still find a way to be unhappy.”

  “That’s your place. In the family, I mean. Your role is to be the one who doesn’t measure up. And because you refuse to pretend to be straight, they get to be even more disgruntled.”

  “I should have come to you before now,” he said. Jessi always managed to help him think clearer after he talked to her about his troubles.

  “You couldn’t because you didn’t know about that thing with me and your dad. And you weren’t ready. Not to see this all so bluntly. I’m sorry. For whatever that’s worth, I hate that they don’t see you for how amazing you are.”

  She did, though. Which made him love her even more.

  “But before I cut them off, I need to confront them about what he did to you.”

  Shock flittered over her face, and then resignation. But he knew she’d try to sway him anyway.

  “Okay, but why? Will it change anything? He’s not going to react the way you want him to. He’s going to try to hurt you on the way down.” She clamped her lips together, and Mick shook his head.

  “Oh no way can you do that. What were you going to say? You promised honest
y. Remember?”

  “I don’t want any more hurt for you. Not today. Give yourself a break.”

  “You shred me to pieces without even trying.” Mick blew out a shaky breath. “It’s fucking terrifying to be loved by you sometimes, Jessilyn. You’re just so damned good at it.”

  Her smile was nearly shy. “Terrifying?”

  “I ran from this.” He indicated the two of them. “You see me. Flaws and all. My ugly parts. My weak parts. And you love me despite that. I’m afraid of fucking it all up. This thing with my father… I should have protected you. If I had stood up for you then, he’d have never come to your doorstep. I failed you by running off the first time. Now that I have this again. Now that I’ve allowed myself to imagine forever with you I’m freaked I’m going to screw it up. It would crush me to do that. To see you look at me with disappointment in your eyes.”

  She wiped her tears on the corner of her shirt, which exposed her breasts a moment, scattering his thoughts like birds exploding into flight.

  “You’ve gone through a lot of shit. Dealt with casual cruelty over your life. Everything you’ve experienced is part of who you are. It’s made you the man I love. The heart of a warrior. Dinged in places, maybe a little rusty here and there, but it’s strong. I love all the parts of you. Even the annoying parts like opening the milk cartons the wrong way.”

  Mick laughed, feeling so much better than before he’d walked in earlier. “So. Honesty. You promised. I promised. Tell me what you censored yourself from saying about my father earlier.”

  She relented finally. “He’s a spiteful man. Petty. Mean. He’s always slicing you just to keep you wounded. He did what he did and he’s not sorry. If he was, he could have apologized at any time over the last four years. Why give him any more chances to wound you? If you’re done, be done. Let it go and save yourself the hurt.”

  Why indeed?

  “I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Pretty much constantly. I know he’s not going to apologize. I understand it’s going to be unpleasant to have to confront him. I need the closure. For me, not him. I need him to know I see his hypocrisy and I’m done. And I want him to know what he did to you was unacceptable. Not because he’ll see it as wrong, but because I do. And because you’re mine. And because you’ve protected me over and over. You and Adam are my family. Important enough to me to defend. I need to draw a very clear line for him.”

  “Do you feel like you can move forward if you do this? If you protect me and Adam and confront your father, is that what you need to happen to get closure?”

  “Yes. What do you think? Not as Jessi my girlfriend, but Jessi my best friend.”

  “It’s hard for me to tell. I’m so wrapped up in this with you. I’m worried about you. I have negative feelings about your family. I’m so biased. I can’t pretend otherwise. I think Jessi the bestie and Jessi the girlfriend are all linked now.” Her smile was cockeyed. “I think you need to be free of this. And it feels to me like you believe this will help you begin that process. I don’t think this one thing is the end of it. Grief doesn’t work that way. People don’t work that way. You’ll have other trials to face. But we’ll handle it when it comes. Will you at the very least meet him in public? Or have John with you? Or Asa, since he’s probably more liable to punch your father’s face in than your brother would be.”

  “I can handle him.” But it probably would be good to have someone around, just for everyone’s benefit. “I’ll ask John,” Mick amended.

  “I’m glad you and your brother have been able to have a closer relationship,” Jessi told him.

  “He’s a pretty smart guy. A better dad than the one we had growing up, that’s for sure. You don’t think I’m a monster for cutting myself off from my parents?”

  “I don’t think you’re a monster for wanting your life to be filled with people who are positive forces within it. You get to want love and respect. You deserve to be able to set limits. You deserve to be loved.” She shrugged like it was the simplest thing in the world.

  And maybe it was.

  “I hate that this happened to you.”

  “I hate that you can’t see that the fifteen minutes I experienced with your father is nothing compared to the decades of what he’s done to you.” Jessi cupped his cheek for a moment.

  “It’s not that. It’s that you don’t… you weren’t exposed to it so long you grew calluses on your heart. You’re tender. Not fragile. Jesus, never fragile.”

  She smiled, triumphant.

  “You grew up in a house where your mother sang you songs to wake you up until you graduated high school. You Franklins and your goofy dance parties and cookouts filled with people you’ve collected and made yours over the years. I’m used to what my father does and says. You shouldn’t have to endure even a second of it. You’re better than that.”

  “If you’re tossing your dad out of your life, can you please toss out your self-loathing along with it? No kid should grow up in a home the way you did. You should have had goofy dance parties with your family. Instead your father made you kneel on hardwood for hours and hours at a time as he castigated you and tore you down. You are his child. You are a fine, courageous man who served his country. He should be proud of you!”

  She was so passionate in her defense of him and Mick was feeling so much better after their discussion that he let himself think about the sight of her tits when she’d wiped away her tears earlier.

  “I’m done talking about it for now. Let’s change the subject so we can have sex.” Mick put his coffee and the plate aside as he brought her to the bed, his body against hers. “God, that’s so good. It’s sexy when you defend me. And safe.”

  “Leave no one behind.”

  He kissed her.

  “Will you ever tell me about the army?”

  “Not when I plan to fuck you.” He pulled her shirt up over her head after doing the same with his own. “Only good stories now. I missed you.”

  “You saw me less than twelve hours ago when I chased you and Adam out of here.” But she smiled, giving over to him right away.

  “Eleven hours and forty-eight minutes too long. How is it you’re so much in such a small package?”

  “I’m told I’m a dynamo.”

  That was her nickname among her siblings, and it was as accurate as calling her angel.

  “You are. Until I said all that out loud I hadn’t really faced why I left. I’m still so scared of messing up. You deserve for me to be fearless.”

  He’d meant to stay on sex, but it was important to tell her all the things he didn’t before.

  “I don’t think any smart person is fearless all the time,” she said. “Or even most of the time. You did mess up. But I’m here. The moral of the story isn’t don’t ever be afraid. Or even don’t screw up. It’s that screwing up isn’t the end of the world. I’m here. I said that again because it’s important. Most screwups can be gotten past. We all need to trust one another to do the work.”

  He kissed it away. Took her promise, believed it because she’d never given him reason to doubt.

  She helped him from his jeans and shorts before grabbing his cock and squeezing. “You brought breakfast.”

  “I’m going to be late for work, I think,” he said, nipping her bottom lip, settling between her thighs on his knees.

  Jessi, high on the joy of loving this man, just took some time to look at him. She knew he loved to fuck her this way, so her back would arch and her hips canted up so he got in deep.

  “You’re quite literally the perfect bad-boy fuck fantasy.”

  His intensity didn’t dim at all when he smiled, pleased by the compliment.

  “Is that right? Want to share yours with me?” He grabbed his cock at the root and tapped the head against her clit until she went all blurry with just how sexy he was.

  “You’re the best kind of bad boy.”

  “The kind who’s going to make you beg for it before I give it to you?”

  Jes
si now knew where the text term guh she used with her friends came from. She made that very sound when he talked dirty and ordered her around.

  “The bad boy who’s actually a nice guy with rough edges. You have a custom motorcycle and a great job. You give up your seat on the bus to the elderly. You helped me run my animal hospital.”

  He’d been frowning, always so reluctant to believe wonderful things about himself. But when she mentioned her mom’s potting shed, where Jessi had set up a space to tend to her animals who might need help, he smiled.

  “Your dad is a vet, angel. I just followed your orders and fed birds with medicine droppers. He did all the heavy lifting.”

  Mick ran his hands all over her torso. Bringing sensation in the wake of his touch.

  She didn’t hate very many people. Hate took up a lot of energy and emotion. But she hated the way Mick’s father had shaped his son into a man who, despite being a success, had such difficulty hearing a real compliment.

  “You’re the only bad-boy fantasy I’ve ever had. Why else would I think of anything else? You look at me like you’re going to burn yourself into my skin.” She gasped as he pinched her nipples.

  “I’ve got grease under my nails.”

  “Occupational hazard, I wager.” Jessi would beg for him to fuck her. She wanted it. He wanted it. But he wanted to tease her first. Since she wanted that too, she dug her nails into his thighs, urging him on.

  “You’re so fine. Delicate and I’m not.”

  She wriggled to rub herself over his cock, inciting. “What?”

  “I was just saying you’re too good for me.” He aimed at a charming grin, but she frowned, annoyed that he’d believe such bullshit.

  And she told him so. “If you’re not right for me, that means you also think I’m dumb.”

  “This is turning into one of those very special episodes with Jessi and her logic that takes me a long time to figure out, isn’t it?”

  “Not if you want to put your dick in me.”

  He grinned, teasing the head of his cock just barely inside her, rocking gently. “Feisty.”

  “Yes. Which means you are perfect for me and I’m perfect for you. So I’m not dumb for loving you and choosing you. I’m brilliant.”