Lexington and 42nd (The Off Field Series #1)

by Kim Carmody

  I shrugged, unsure of how to sum up the horrors of the evening. “Yeah, it wasn’t great, but at least things didn’t go any further.” I shuddered, imagining how much worse this all could have been.

  I thought of Sarah, how she must have felt waking up the morning after being with Will and finding out that she was nothing but another conquest to him. My heart ached for her, but it ached for me more. I hated that I’d thought I was different, that something was genuinely there between us. Over and above the humiliation I felt at falling for his charms so much that I had been willing to risk my reputation, was the dull ache in my chest, the one that couldn’t be tamped out overnight no matter what I’d learned. Even though I would tell myself differently, deep down I knew I had been falling for Will, and now I could do nothing but pick up the pieces and move on.

  #

  I didn’t dare look at my phone all day, petrified of what I might find from Will—still worse was the fear that I might find nothing. Julia had been amazing, cancelling her date with Leo in favor of movies and ice cream on the couch. I hoped that after a day of wallowing in a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, I’d wake the next morning with the realization that Will was just a tiny blip on the radar, nothing more than a silly crush.

  Sadly I was wrong.

  On Sunday I felt worse. The pit that had formed in my stomach had grown until I was convinced it was a physical thing. The truth was, I hadn’t realized how much Will and the possibility of us had created such a happy place in my mind, one that occupied so much space and time that the void left behind was large and gaping, and not even the wonders and endless possibilities of New York City could pull me from my slumber. That’s not to say I didn’t try, with persistent pushing from my somewhat bossy housemate.

  With caffeine in hand, Julia woke me at seven on Sunday, demanding we hit an early yoga class, followed by a late brunch. If I was honest, the distractions helped, as did the endless analyzing of the whys and hows that we went over and over until we were both completely out of theories.

  “I just don’t understand how I didn’t know about them.” Julia nodded absentmindedly as the waiter put down her smoked salmon bagel. “Although, I will say this. Sarah wasn’t herself the last couple of months before going away.”

  I frowned over my coffee mug. “What do you mean…not herself?”

  Julia shrugged. “I don’t know exactly. She was just kind of quiet or something. I asked her about it a few times but she dismissed me, said she was fine.”

  “Do you think that has something to do with what happened between them?” I hadn’t been able to say his name since first telling Julia what happened.

  “I don’t know, maybe, but it could have been anything. Or nothing, if she was telling the truth.”

  “I wonder when it happened.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I wished they hadn’t. “No, scrap that. I really don’t want to know the answer. Or any of the specifics, come to think of it.”

  But the morbid thing was I absolutely did want to know what had happened. I wanted to know every last detail. Did he flirt with her endlessly in the lead up? Did they know it was going to happen before it did? And where did it happen? Did they spend the night together? Had they been drinking?

  The list of questions ran through my head like an on-going nightmare, each one conjuring up images worse than the one before. The silly thing was, I knew Will had probably slept with hundreds of women. And while the thought of him with anyone else wasn’t something I was keen to dwell on, there was something about thinking of him with Sarah that was particularly upsetting.

  Julia exhaled absentmindedly, reaching out to rub my arm. “You know you didn’t imagine it all, don’t you? I mean, from everything you’ve told me, I don’t think he was just in it for a one-night stand. Men like that don’t have to work so hard.”

  I laughed, although the sound was empty. “I honestly don’t know what to think anymore. I mean, if you had asked me that last week I would have totally agreed, but now, after knowing what he said to the team about me, I just wonder if I haven’t been this conquest all along, thrill of the chase and all that.” I shoved another handful of fries into my mouth. “Even if he was genuine, I still think I was kidding myself…believing we could have gone on seeing each other for any decent amount of time. Putting all the work issues aside, I think once the shine had worn off, he would have lost interest.”

  And the only silver lining, as far as I could see, was knowing that even though inside I might be crushed, things hadn’t gotten so far that work had been impacted as well. No one knew about our plans for the following weekend, about the hotel room in Florida, and the few that did witness our dancefloor antics in Texas weren’t going to say anything. At least I didn’t have to show up to work known as the girl who’d slept with the quarterback.

  Is that how Sarah felt? Clearly some of the playing team knew, Buck and Bobbie included, but did any of my team know? Surely Carrie wouldn’t have encouraged me so much if she had. And I didn’t feel like I could talk to any of them about it without revealing her secret. I had no idea what I would say to Dana if she wanted to know why I had been so upset when she’d found me.

  #

  On Monday morning I was met by a wall of warmth as I stepped outside the apartment. Summer had well and truly reached the city and at 8 a.m. there was already a dry heat that took my breath away a little. I marched to the subway, determined to approach the week with the same enthusiasm I had the week prior. Will or no Will, I was still living in New York City, had a great job that I loved and happened to be doing well at. And thanks to a very determined housemate, I also had a week of dinner plans to look forward to, which left very little time to sit around feeling sorry for myself.

  I squeezed into the packed elevator at the office, pulling out my phone to power it up for the first time since Friday. I was both dreading and longing to know what was on there, and I’d put off finding out for as long as possible. I waited, staring aimlessly as the doors opened and shut to let people out while it loaded. As I stepped out at my floor, it beeped.

  One message. I clicked on the unopened mail icon.

  Saturday, 11.31am

  Dana Martin: Hey Em, not sure what happened last night but I hope you’re okay. Here to talk if you need xoxo

  My heart immediately fell to the pit of my stomach when Dana’s name appeared. Nothing from Will.

  I hated myself for how much I wanted it to be from him. I should have been grateful. Surely having to hear from him in any form would just be torture at this stage. Maybe he’d listened when I told him to stay away from me. I’d certainly meant it at the time.

  Our staff meeting was a fresh burst of torture, with everyone reliving the party that I so desperately wanted to forget, so I was grateful when Mark put the gossip on hold in favor of getting on with other things. Like work.

  “Emma, Jensen has a last-minute interview slot on ESPN tonight. I know its late notice, but can you go?”

  No. No, not in any way can I go. Absolutely not.

  “Oh, I ahh, I would…but I have um, I have plans…a dinner.” My voice trailed off as I realized how lame my excuse had sounded. Damn it, why was my family all the way over on the other side of the world? Family birthdays were always the best excuses.

  Mark nodded. “Very well, I’ll try to shuffle a few things around, see if I can get out there myself.”

  “Sorry,” I squeaked. Great, now my boss was doing my job for me, all thanks to boy problems. Way to go, Emma.

  #

  By sheer force of will and having every waking second outside of work managed by Julia, I somehow got through the week. I wouldn’t say I was particularly bubbly to be around, but I was fairly certain people didn’t have me on suicide watch. Only Dana and Carrie gave me the odd sideways glance. Both had seen me upset at different times at the party and knew something was up, but I must have been giving off a serious don’t-ask vibe because neither of them said anything.

  On Thursday night, J
ulia dragged me along to a homewares showing she’d been invited to, where the who’s who of the interior design world ooh’d and ahh’d over ceramic bowls and vases that cost more than our weekly rent, while sipping champagne and eating mini squid ink tarts. I was doing my best to be a good plus-one, trying to stay involved with conversations about the latest interior paint color trends, but the truth was…I was exhausted. There are few things more tiring than forced activity to avoid spending nights sobbing into your pillow over a man. In a sea of fabulous people, I felt both invisible and on show, sure that they must be able to read the tale of my fractured heart just by looking at my face. And what was worse…I really didn’t have anything to complain about. It wasn’t like Will and I had been dating, living together or madly in love. I’d simply been falling for a man who had courted me for the better part of two months for the purposes of his own selfish needs.

  I moved away from the group, signalling to Julia that I was heading outside to make a call when my phone vibrated in my hands.

  One new message: Will Jensen

  My breath caught as I looked around at the crowd, feeling as though everyone must be able to sense the significance of what had just happened to me. Which of course they hadn’t.

  I pushed through the sea of people, eager to get some space. When I got outside, I plonked myself down on a park bench opposite the door, turning away from a group who had spilled onto the sidewalk.

  Taking a deep breath, I opened the message.

  I know you don’t want to hear from me, but I just want a chance to explain. I hate this. I hate that I hurt you. Can we meet?

  I stared at the message, re-reading it over and over.

  I hate that I hurt you.

  I hate that you hurt me too, Will.

  #

  A rough hand on my shoulder pulled me from my slumber. “Emma. Emma. Wake up.”

  “Huh?”

  “Not cool lady.”

  I sat up, glancing around and realized I must have fallen asleep on the couch. “What? What is it?”

  “You just disappeared tonight. Where did you go?”

  “Oh, sorry. I just wasn’t feeling well, so I left.”

  “What, and you didn’t think to tell me?” I finally looked at Julia. She wasn’t happy.

  “Shit, I really am sorry, I wasn’t thinking…I…I got a text from Will.”

  Julia’s eyes narrowed. “Show me.”

  I watched as she read the text, her eyes widening. “How do you feel about it?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m glad I’ve heard from him I guess, and at least he’s acknowledged what happened.”

  “Maybe you should talk to him.”

  I shrugged. “What’s the point? It’s all fairly straight forward from my point of view.”

  Julia raised an eyebrow at me. “Is it though? I mean, maybe you should hear what he has to say.”

  I let out a sigh. “No, I’ve made up my mind. I just need to get over him and move on. It was stupid to ever think about getting involved with him in the first place. It’s better this way.”

  I morphed my face into something I hoped made me look surer than I felt.

  Julia nodded. “Well, if you’re sure. But if you don’t want to speak to him, I think we need to move to phase two of recovery.”

  “Phase two?”

  “Yes. I think it’s time we get you back out and dating.”

  “Oh…but I’m not sure I want to meet someone new.”

  Julia looked at me like I was stupid. “I’m not saying date to meet your next man…I just mean date for the fun of it. Get out and have a good time with people of the opposite sex.” Her face lit up. “Call Nick! I know he’s still interested.”

  I screwed up my face. “I can’t call Nick. I ditched him last week when I thought something was going to happen with Will.”

  “Of course you can. He doesn’t know that.”

  “Wow, you’re harsh.”

  She shrugged. “Welcome to New York—it’s a dog-eat-dog dating world out there.”

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  “Ohmygod this fondant is to die for.” I closed my eyes, savoring the rich warm chocolate as it oozed down my throat.

  Nick kinked an eyebrow at me. “You sure you don’t need a moment alone over there?”

  I laughed. “Potentially. If it means I don’t have to share my dessert with you.”

  Nick held his hands up. “Hey, I’ve never been one to come between a woman and her chocolate.”

  I spooned a mouthful of the fondant and offered it to him. “Tempting but no, it would be a sin for you not to try this. I’d never forgive myself.”

  So far we’d had a great evening. It really was too easy to be around Nick. We had this comradery that made me feel like I’d known him for years. Couple that with the fact that we were out to dinner at New York’s latest it restaurant and I was feeling better than I had all week.

  Not only had Julia single-handedly helped me make it through the last seven days without falling apart, she’d even forced me to take her reservation at Line, even though it took her a full six weeks to get it in the first place. I was even wearing a little black dress—she was taking phase two of getting over the quarterback very seriously.

  The restaurant was packed, and even though it was still relatively early, the bar was buzzing. The space was all matte blacks and shiny metallics, with dim lighting and a floor to ceiling hanging garden built into the wall of the bar. We were seated at a row of small tables for two that lined the opposite wall, complete with beautiful bronze-tinted, mirrored table tops that had been polished to perfection.

  Nick groaned, his head dropping to the table. “Ohmygod you’re right, I would almost give up Super Bowl tickets for that.”

  I grinned. “Yup, if I wasn’t so full already, we’d definitely be getting another one of these.”

  “Give me an hour and I think I could handle it.” I watched as he took a swig of wine. “Speaking of the Super Bowl, how’s your job going? You found your feet yet?”

  I paused, unsure of how to respond. I thought I’d well and truly found my feet until a certain someone tripped me up a week ago. I’d managed to bury myself in work for the week but, truth be told, Will was rarely far from my thoughts—it was unavoidable really. His name came up in every meeting I went to, and almost hourly emails seemed to cross my desk with Jensen in the subject line.

  In some ways it had gotten easier as the week went by, as I realized just how ludicrous the idea of having a relationship with Will really was now that the possibility of it happening wasn’t clouding my judgement. But the other side of me, the side that didn’t acknowledge the challenges Will’s position in the club would have brought us, still ached for him. During the day, at work or out with Julia, there was always a dull pain in the pit of my stomach to remind me of my bruised and battered heart.

  But at night, as I lay in the dark in bed, I couldn’t help the memories of him that came flooding back. How his eyes seemed to light up whenever he saw me, or the easy conversation we fell into each time we were together. Reliving those moments filled me with a physical ache, like if I didn’t keep my mouth shut it would crawl up through my stomach, squeeze through my throat and drape itself around my neck as a constant reminder of the loss I felt.

  “Question too hard?” Nick was leaning forward, trying to catch my eye.

  “Oh! Sorry, work’s a bit of a distracting topic at the moment.”

  You’re on a date Emma, don’t think of Will. I repeat, do not think of Will.

  “I imagine. It sounds like things have been crazy busy for you the last couple of weeks.”

  “Oh.” That little fib. “It’s good, still busy but settling down a bit. I’m trying to improve the work-life balance right now.” The bit where my life wasn’t consumed by a certain person I worked with anyway.

  I swallowed down the last drops of wine, mentally chiding myself. One simple question about work and my head went straight to Will. So muc
h for phase two being any help. I liked Nick—I didn’t think about him every second like I did Will—but he was a good guy. We had fun together.

  “You wanna get out of here? Grab a drink at Acme or something?”

  I nodded. “Definitely.”

  We settled the bill, laughing at how seriously the host had taken himself when giving us the check with a flourish.

  “Man, he was bossy.” Nick held the restaurant door open for me.

  “I know.” I laughed, looking over my shoulder. “So intense.”

  I turned around just in time to run smack bang into someone coming into the restaurant.

  “Oh! I’m so sorry.” I stepped back, checking to make sure I didn’t reverse straight into Nick.

  “Emma?”

  I turned around. “Will?”

  Oh shit. Oh shit, shit, shit on a stick.

  We both gaped at each other. “What are you doing here?”

  What was I doing here? What was he doing here?

  “I…I’m um here, with—” I looked over at Nick, who was now standing beside me with a hand resting on the back of my neck. “Nick, this is Nick.” His eyes were wide as saucers and I cringed. Of course my date would be star struck by Will.

  Nick grinned, enthusiastically offering a hand to Will. “Jensen, wow, it’s great to meet you.”

  Will looked at Nick’s hand before taking it with a frown.

  I tried to calm my heartbeat, conscious that if it went any faster, it was likely to burst through my chest. I couldn’t drag my eyes from Will, not even for a second. His body was composed, that beautiful strong chest as stoic as ever, but I felt as if his gaze could burn a hole right through my skin. I watched as it moved slowly from my eyes, down my neck to where Nick’s hand rested against me.

  We both snapped out of it when Nick reached forward, offering his hand to the woman at Will’s side. I had barely noticed her, so consumed by the man standing before me.

  Will blinked away from me, gesturing towards his date. “Emma, Nick, this is Elena.”