5 Tutti Frutti

by Mike Faricy

  A moment later Biker gave her the thumbs up as he quickly fled the scene.

  “God, I better have another,” Heidi said, coming alongside and slamming her glass on the bar.

  “Come on you pricks, let it all hang out,” Swindle shouted and pulled her blouse out from her little leather skirt. That brought a couple of the guys moving in closer and joining in the clapping.

  “Better make it a double,” Heidi said to Zipper Head.

  Swindle had made her way to the corner where Biker had set up the sound system. She stepped on a foot switch and a light down by her feet suddenly flashed on illuminating a section of the wall and the painting hanging behind her.

  I feared the worst.

  Music started to blare across the room’s sound system and suddenly Swindle was in the throws of singing Karaoke. I don’t know if it speaks to my broad range of interests or one of my many bad sides. I recognized the song. Actually, it wasn’t all that tough because the title was momentarily illuminated up on the wall. Then the words to the song began to scroll across the painting of a dark haired naked woman holding a strategically placed bottle of liquor. None of this seemed to bother Swindle as she burst, horribly off key, into the chorus, “I just want to make… love to you.”

  Theoretically, she was shaking her hips in time to the beat although she never really found it; the beat. The music stopped for a moment and more than a little applause ensued.

  “Give me another,” Heidi said and drained her glass.

  “You better take it easy, Heidi.”

  “Make that a double,” she said and glared at me.

  Swindle was on to the next tune, “Rocket Queen.” Sadly I recognized it. Everyone crazy enough to still be in the room was forming a large circle around her, well, except for those fleeing toward what little refuge the bar provided.

  “I’ve got a tongue like a razor,” Swindle slurred and staggered a couple of steps, which just seemed to encourage the crowd.

  “God, that’s fucking dreadful,” Heidi shouted then sipped.

  “…but then you’ll do whatever I like.” Swindle roared off key, staggering in a circle all the while pointing at various individuals in the crowd.

  From out of nowhere someone handed her a drink, it looked like a martini. At least it was in a stemmed glass and clear. She downed the thing spilling quite a bit across her chest in the process. That seemed to be a cause for more applause. Thankfully, some guy grabbed her empty glass just as she wound up to throw it against the wall.

  Thirty minutes later and the bar was three deep with people trying to inoculate themselves. What may have been funny for the first few minutes had turned into a marathon of bad taste and off-key shouting. Swindle was in her element, an absolute mess. She’d torn her blouse open two or three songs ago and was displaying four thousand dollars worth of surgical implant expertise.

  She’d completely lost the beat and was about four measures behind ACDC. “Taking more than her share, had me fighting for air, she told me to come but I was already there.” Only at this point no one had any idea where Swindle’s head actually was.

  “Dev, I’m really drunk and I’m gonna need a little bitty ride home. But right now you better yank the microphone away from that bitch or someone is going to beat her over the head with it,” Heidi slurred. She might have been standing too close, glassy eyed and weaving, but she still made a lot of sense.

  I approached the thinning crowd surrounding Swindle. It was largely made up of people about as far gone as she was. I stepped into the ring, gently took the microphone from her then held on to her so she wouldn’t fall as she blindly staggered three or four steps.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Swindle Lawless,” I said into the microphone.

  A couple of drunks actually started to applaud, although it may have been because I’d grabbed the microphone. Swindle took a deep bow then seemed to go limp and suddenly she did an Amy Winehouse on me. I half hoisted her over my shoulder and carried her out the door.

  Once I made it downstairs and out of the stairwell, I set her on the nearest barstool. No one seemed to pay any attention to us. Swindle was clearly out cold. I fastened two buttons on her blouse so she wasn’t completely on display then ran back up the stairs to get Heidi.

  “Heidi, we gotta go, I got Swindle downstairs passed out at the bar.”

  “God, thank you for taking that awful thing away.”

  “The microphone?”

  “No, Swindle,” Heidi giggled then sipped some more. I wasn’t sure she could see me through her glazed eyes.

  “Come on, we gotta go.”

  “But I just got this drink.”

  “I was going to make you a special one at home. Okay?”

  “Oh, you’re so sweet,” she said. She gave me a quick kiss then staggered back a step and glared a look that suggested there was a lot more available.

  “Come on, Honey, we gotta go,” I pleaded.

  She grasped her drink in one hand and followed me to the stairway.

  Fortunately, Swindle was still passed out on her stool. Someone had stuffed a couple of dollar bills in her cleavage and all the buttons on her blouse were undone again, but other than that she seemed okay.

  “Heidi, can you follow us out? I’ve got to carry her.”

  Heidi nodded and sipped her drink.

  “Leave your drink here, I don’t want to get nailed driving with your drink in the car.”

  Heidi gave me a noncommittal nod. I wasn’t sure she could see beyond the end of her nose.

  I hoisted Swindle up over my shoulder and we headed out the door. Swindle was clearly comatose, her arms dangled limp and lifeless toward the floor. Her leather skirt had ridden up above her hips exposing the hint of a very small red silk thong. Heidi staggered behind me with one hand tucked into my belt and the other holding her stupid Green Fairy drink.

  As we walked out some guy coming in the door slapped Swindle across her exposed rear. “Man, you are one lucky son-of-a-bitch,” he said and kept moving. I couldn’t do anything except hope I would make it to the Fleetwood.

  I leaned Swindle against the side of my car, opened the rear door for Heidi, and stuffed Swindle into the front passenger seat.

  “Heidi, give me that thing,” I said then took her drink and set it on the sidewalk. She tumbled into my car then sat back and closed her eyes. They were both snoring by the time I was buckled up. It suddenly dawned on me I had no idea where Swindle lived. We hadn’t brought her purse out of the Tutti Frutti, and I wasn’t going to go back in and get the thing. I put the car in drive and headed toward Heidi’s house.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I tip-toed back into the bedroom and laid my towel on the chair. I proceeded to dress as quietly as possible. Sometime during the ten minutes I was in the shower Swindle had rolled over and was now spooning behind Heidi, arms wrapped round her squeezing one of Heidi’s boobs in either hand.

  My belt buckle clanged against the chair as I pulled on my trousers, and Heidi sort of wrinkled her nose a little. She moaned softly and ran a hand down Swindle’s hip. Her eyelids suddenly popped open like she’d just discovered something wrong. Her eyes grew very wide as she focused on me standing in front of her. She rocketed out of the bed, picked up her pillow, and hit Swindle over the head.

  “What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” she screamed.

  “Hey, Heidi, easy, she was sound asleep,” I said and grabbed the pillow out of her hands.

  “She was feeling me up,” she screamed.

  Swindle began to blink herself into semi-consciousness.

  “She was asleep, Heidi, I’m sure she didn’t mean to.”

  “I get five-hundred for a three-way, that’s two-fifty apiece,” Swindle groaned then sat up and coughed her smoker’s hack.

  “You perv,” Heidi screamed and pushed me. She ripped the pillow out of my hands and hit Swindle with it again.

  “Get out of my bed, you slut,” she screamed.


  “Oh for Christ sake, I’m moving, I’m moving. Quit the damn screaming, God, my head,” Swindle groaned. “What do you got to drink?”

  “Get out!”

  “Look, I’ll give you two a discount, four hundred even,” Swindle croaked then strode into the bathroom coughing.

  “You pervert, get the hell out of my house and take that witch with you,” Heidi said turning on me.

  “Nothing happened, will you just calm down.”

  “Nothing happened? You drugged me you perv. God, I don’t even remember driving home.”

  “I didn’t drug you. You were drinking those Green Fairy things like they were water. You did it to yourself, Heidi. And by the way, I drove home.”

  We heard the toilet flush and then Swindle strode out of the bathroom and stood in front of us scratching herself. For the first time I noticed the sunburst tattoo surrounding her navel.

  “Where the hell are my clothes? Hey,” she raised her eyebrows at Heidi, “half price before eight in the morning. Want to?” she said and nodded toward the bed then started to cackle, which quickly turned into a phlegm-filled coughing jag. “Where’d you hide my damn cigarettes, Knockers?”

  Heidi held the pillow up in front of her to modestly hide her body. “Dev,” she whined.

  “Ladies, nothing happened. We all went to sleep. Okay?”

  “Oh my God,” Heidi moaned.

  “Please, shut the fuck up. My damn head is killing me here,” Swindle said and began to crawl back into bed.

  “Get out of my house, both of you, get out!” Heidi screamed.

  Swindle sort of curled into a semi-fetal position in the middle of the bed, up on all fours with her hands covering her ears. “I ain’t going anywhere until you give me my damn clothes,” she groaned.

  I thought they might be in the living room and headed in that direction. I was wrong, they were scattered down the hallway. By the time I returned to the bedroom, Heidi had put a robe on and was attempting to pull the sheets off the bed. Swindle was still curled on top in that fetal position.

  “Swindle, put these clothes on while I try and find your shoes,” I said.

  “And get off my bed,” Heidi yelled.

  I went back down the hallway, walked through the living room to the front door. Heidi’s latex corset was on the floor next to the front door. I scanned the front steps and sidewalk through the living room window. I could see one high heel lying in the grass out on the boulevard by the Fleetwood.

  “Your shoes are out by the car, come on let’s go,” I said returning to the bedroom.

  Swindle had her skirt sort of on around her waist. Her blouse was pulled on but unbuttoned. “I need a cigarette,” she growled.

  Heidi held a bundle of bed linen in her arms. “I’m going to burn these and then get checked to see if I need shots,” she said and glared at me.

  “I still need to get paid, that’s two…”

  “Yeah right, Swindle, we get it, two apiece. Come on let’s get going. Heidi, I’ll call you later,” I said trying to escape before I was murdered.

  “Don’t bother and just get out. I’ll have to fumigate this room once I take a scalding shower.”

  “You didn’t find my cigarettes? God, I hate it when this shit happens,” Swindle groaned and ran her hand through her hair.

  “Dev,” Heidi growled. I knew her well enough to realize her short fuse had been lit.

  “We’re going, we’re going. Come on, Swindle, maybe button up,” I said heading for the front door.

  “Your boyfriend here good for your share?” Swindle asked.

  “Get out of my house you whore, get the hell out!” Heidi shrieked.

  I didn’t waste any more time and headed out the front door.

  Barefoot Swindle was right behind me.

  Heidi pushed Swindle onto the front stoop then quickly slammed the door behind us.

  “God, my head,” Swindle groaned, then shouted, “I’m coming back to collect your two hundred if lover-boy here ain’t good for it.”

  “Come on, Swindle, get in,” I said holding the car door. “And pick up that shoe.” I nodded my head in the direction of the shoe on the boulevard.

  “That thing ain’t mine.”

  “Then it must be Heidi’s.”

  “That bitch that wouldn’t stop screaming?” Swindle asked then picked up the high heel and threw it into the middle of the street.

  “Come on, don’t be that way.”

  “You buying me breakfast? I’m starving,” she said and climbed into the Fleetwood.

  “I’ll buy you breakfast if you promise to button your blouse.” I climbed in behind the wheel and caught sight of Heidi’s purple and red skunk wig in the corner of my back seat.

  We couldn’t go to a restaurant because Swindle’s shoes weren’t in the car and no one would serve us while she was barefoot. I drove over to the Tutti Frutti Club hoping to see if we could claim her purse. The place wasn’t open, but using my phone Swindle was able to get in touch with someone on the cleaning crew who let us in.

  I searched the upstairs party room for her purse while Swindle stepped behind the bar and made herself a Bloody Mary.

  “I don’t see it up there. Maybe there’s a lost and found or someplace where they put things that get left here. What are you doing?” I asked.

  “I’m on the liquid diet,” Swindle said then set her drink down and tore open a fresh pack of cigarettes. “Oh will you relax, they can put it on my tab, Jesus. Hey look, I’m going to hang here and relax for a bit. You can take off if you want.”

  I nodded, turned, and headed for the door.

  “Don’t forget you still owe me,” she yelled after me.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  My phone woke me late that afternoon. I’d been napping on the couch for three or four hours.

  “Haskell Invest…”

  “Dev, where the hell have you been?”

  “Louie? I’m home. It’s kind of a long story; late night and all. I was sort of babysitting.”

  “Babysitting? Maybe I don’t want to know.”

  “Believe me, you don’t.”

  “Look, meet me down at the main cop shop.”

  “Now? Why?”

  “The cops picked up Swindle Lawless. I’m going to represent her and they’re asking for you, too.”

  “Swindle? What’s the charge, solicitation?”

  “No, and don’t joke, Dev, they’re looking at assault.”

  “Assault? Who is she supposed to have assaulted?”

  “Dudley Rockett.”

  “Her agent?”

  “Former agent.”

  “When did this happen?”

  “I guess within the last day and a half; I don’t have much information right now.”

  “Well, if it was last night, she was with me at the victory party that never happened, probably got a hundred witnesses at least. From there she was with me, well, and Heidi.”

  “That may be why your presence has been requested.”

  “Probably, I’m sure I’m her alibi.”

  “No, Dev, the police want to talk to you, too. They said you were a person of interest.”

  “Me?”

  “Look, just meet me down there in that parking lot across the street. Do not go in until I get there. I’ll be leaving in a few minutes.”

  “Okay, let me get cleaned up.”

  “Don’t screw around here, Dev. I’ve got to represent Swindle and I don’t need you stopping somewhere for a couple of beers on the way over.”

  “Louie…”

  “Just get cleaned up and get down there.”

  “Okay, okay.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  I needn’t have hurried. I parked in the far corner of the parking lot and hoped no one spotted me. I sat in the Fleetwood waiting for close to forty-five minutes before Louie’s faded blue Geo Metro rumbled into the lot.

  The lot was supposed to have been repaved a couple of years ago. But as a resul
t of city-wide budget cuts it was pretty much just sand, gravel, and potholes, a whole lot of potholes. Louie seemed to find just about every one of them as he bounced and banged to the far corner where I was parked.

  He looked reasonably good as he climbed out of the car. Good at least for Louie. He wore a pin-striped suit coat, only moderately wrinkled, and pin-striped trousers. On closer examination, the pin-stripes on the trousers and coat didn’t quite match.

  “Nice job, I’m guessing you got another suit like that at home.”

  “What?”

  “The stripes, they don’t match up. The ones on your coat are thicker than the ones on your trousers.”

  “Whatever,” Louie shrugged. “Listen, they mentioned you as a person of interest. Please tell me you can account for your activities last night and you’ve got witnesses.”

  “We’re in luck. I was with none other than Swindle from the courthouse yesterday until about ten thirty this morning. And we were at that victory party for Gino D’Angelo that never happened last night. A lot of people saw us there. I left with Swindle and Heidi, so both of us are covered.”

  “Swindle and Heidi?”

  “They’d both been overserved, so I drove them home.”

  “Mmm-mmm,” Louie nodded like it made sense. If Detective Manning was involved I knew things were going to be pushed a lot further than just a nod.

  “What was up with Gino? How did that deal shake out?” I asked.

  “He’s out on bail and wearing an ankle bracelet now, but it was close to one in the morning before we got him out. Tommy was ready to kill just about anyone and everyone.”

  “Careful how you say that,” I cautioned.

  Louie nodded.

  “What was the charge? Attempted murder of Dudley Rockett?”

  “Yeah, I think they were just yanking his chain, sounds like a business misunderstanding that went bad. Rockett filed some charge or something.”

  “Gee, join the club, sounds like Rockett’s filing charges against everyone,” I scoffed.

  “Yeah, well, you’re Swindle’s alibi and you got witnesses to corroborate, so all in all it’s turning out to be a pretty good day.”