In the Shadow of Frankenstein: Tales of the Modern Prometheus

by Edited By Stephen Jones

  His footsteps. I know them as well as my new heartbeat.

  “Your arm has arrived. It is beautiful. All that I was told. Greta will prep you, and we’ll do the surgery in a few minutes.”

  I long to tell him I’m frightened—that the pain will be unbearable—that it won’t work, that I will still be unable to touch the world. I try to make a sound that will convey that, but it comes out a whimper. He strokes my head, lovingly.

  “It will be all right. And while I am operating on the arm, I will do the last of the repairs on the optic nerves. We may get eyes very soon.”

  He reassures me, as if he knows how I struggle to be stoical. But I am terrified. The doctor tells me what I want to hear, but I don’t dare allow myself to be fooled.

  As they wheel me into the operating room, I can smell the antiseptic atmosphere, the metal and tile. It’s cooler and is devoid of human scents. I hear feet covered in booties shooshing over the tile floor. Voices dulled by the bunting of face masks. The clinking and tiny thudding of instruments being transferred onto metal trays. And my mind wanders to the last time Kenneth spoke to me of personal things. It had just been two days ago.

  Before I drift into drugged oblivion, I imagine him over me. “Allison, I was thinking this morning at breakfast what it will be like when you’re whole, and we can wake up together.” He stroked my hair. “I can’t help my fantasies. I remember the old woman I met in the hospital, but she was a shell. And I fell in love with the woman who was trapped in that diseased body. Now you’re about to become an enchantingly beautiful woman, with the soul of an artist and one of the greatest minds of this century. I wonder if you think of it, too. What a powerful couple we could be.”

  I moved my head against his hand, hoping the gesture spoke the thrill hundreds of words might otherwise communicate. He touched my lips with his fingertips, then his lips. I kissed him with a strange mouth. He tasted of marzipan and lemon water.

  “I’m so frustrated not to hear your voice, the words I want so much to hear. It won’t be long before the reconstruction can be done. And then … then we can share our dreams together.

  “I still don’t know if you knew … that when I came to your hospital room, I had planned the moment for years. I’d seen you on news magazine shows and in that short film documentary by Ronald Knapp. I read everything you’ve ever written, and everything written about you. I knew your life. I knew you. I had only to meet you to love you. Even as a hairless old woman, your spirit shone through.

  “If you could see the face you wear now, the gentle beauty of it, you would know I didn’t choose a shell for you that would be garishly gorgeous or supremely pretty. But that I wanted a face that reflected the intelligent beauty I fell in love with.

  “If I’m wrong and presumptuous, and there wasn’t a spark of something between us for you, I want you to believe that this wasn’t just a selfish act on my part. As with Simon, I wanted genius to live on. I was fortunate that Simon also wanted to be a friend. And I will be even more fortunate if you will consider me for … a mate.”

  Yes. Yes, I shouted in my mind. Of course I would. To have been found by someone so absolutely right for me when I was about to lose everything.

  I’d lived alone for so many years, unhappy with the mediocrity of men, their interests so carnal and banal. On occasion I suffered their company, longing for one to become what I dreamed. They disappointed me often through no fault of their own. Some I pitied. But Kenneth was all I imagined a mate could be. Caring, but not doting. Attentive, yet independent. Sexy, yet not base. Handsome, and brilliant. Talented, but not compulsively so. And ultimately, he adored my mind.

  Yes, I’d be his mate.

  The pain precedes any other sense awareness. My shoulders feel like jack hammers have splintered them to shreds. I moan and I feel the cool touch of my favorite nurse.

  “Miss Craig. I’m going to start a drip of morphine for you. Just enough to dull the pain, but not put you out. Doctor needs you cogent.”

  I murmur assent.

  “I’ve been staring at your new hands. I’ve always wanted long nail beds and large moons. And your arms are really exquisite.”

  Hands? He’s given me two arms and surprised me! Of course. It’s like him. I grin drunkenly, as I feel the gauzy veil of the opiate.

  “Oh, no. I’ve given it away. Don’t tell. Please.”

  I can’t tell. I wouldn’t anyway. Greta’s been so good to me. So very good.

  “I hear him. Act surprised.”

  His footsteps are quick, light. He’s been notified I am awake. He hurries to me, a concerned lover. How lucky I am!

  “Allison, you’re awake.” I felt the movement of my IV, the sound of his fingers tapping the drip gauge. “Ah, Greta’s started a bit of morphine for you. Do your shoulders hurt?”

  I nod dramatically, but I’m probably wobbling my head instead, inebriated with the drug.

  “Surprised? Did you think I would give you two different arms? A writer with mismatched hands? A travesty. For what I did to Simon, I still can’t forgive myself.” I hear his pen on paper on a metal chart. He brushes my hair off my forehead. He told me it’s golden blonde. “You might like knowing the arms came from a eighteen year old ballerina. Imagine the sylph-like gestures they’ve performed. Imagine perfect arms and hands. They’re yours, now.” His lips brush mine. His cheek presses against my cheek. I feel moisture. A tear?

  How I want to reach out and hold him, but all I know is the pain where the tubes used to be. In time, as he’s often said. In time.

  I drift in and out of consciousness. The numbness extends to my brain, sometimes. The day becomes night, the night day. I know only the touch of my Kenneth, and Greta.

  It must be night. His sister, Sonia, is sitting beside me, reading. I hear her whispering the words, sometimes. She never touches me, even if I cry out in pain. Then, she calls the doctor. I know only her voice and the sound of pages turning.

  Suddenly, a deep guttural moan comes from me, unbidden. I am shocked by the sound. I try to make a word with it and hear myself say, “Help.”

  She drops her book and runs from the room. She leaves the door open, I know, because I feel the cooler air of the hallway. Then I hear her strained voice on the telephone.

  “Yes, dammit, she spoke … Plainly … ‘Help’.”

  Whoever she speaks to is flustered or excited by her news. Her tone is apologetic, careful, but indignant. Confused.

  “All right. Of course. Immediately.” She hangs up.

  She rushes in, then slows as she nears my bed. It amazes me how stupid people think the blind are. As if blindness affects all the senses and the mind.

  “I’ve called Kenneth. He’ll be here shortly. I woke him.”

  I struggle with words. “I can talk.” My voice is shrill and strained. The larynx is probably still damaged somewhat, the promised surgery not yet performed.

  “Yes, you can.” Under her feigned cheer, she’s upset.

  I wait until he arrives to speak again. He rushes in but doesn’t slow. His lips are all over me, my face, neck.

  “Sonia tells me you speak. Say only one thing. My name. Please.”

  I grin as he cradles my face in his hands. I feel beautiful in this moment.

  “Kennnnettth.”

  “Ah! Rest the vocal chords now. I don’t want to strain them. I can hardly believe this. Spontaneous regeneration!”

  I nod, smiling. I’ll do anything you ask. Tomorrow, I’ll tell you I love you.

  Just as I am dozing off to sleep again, the excitement of the event worn off, I hear them outside, in the hall. The door is almost completely closed, so their voices are not distinct.

  “She sounds like her.” Sonia is sarcastic.

  “With the work I plan on doing on the larynx, she will sound like Allison. I will never listen to that woman’s keening voice again in this lifetime. Or have those eyes staring at me with such … derision.”

  “Kenny, I know you think thi
s is going to turn out ideally, but things are already turning ugly.”

  “Sonia, don’t get negative with me.” It isn’t what Kenneth says that disturbs me, but the tone. As if he is saying, “I’ll kill you if you say one more thing,” and meaning it.

  Sonia is silent. I hear her returning, sitting down, grabbing her book. Her breathing is shallow. She’s afraid. I feel her hand, briefly, on my shoulder. Now, I am afraid.

  There is no sleep for me. I make scenarios in my waking dream state, full of morphine. In all of them, I am the victim. Kenneth is no longer the benevolent, loving craftsman, but a butcher, out to eradicate the traces of someone who still haunts him.

  Greta comes to relieve Sonia. I wait until she is washing me, then use my new voice.

  “Greta.”

  “What did you say?” She hasn’t been told I speak.

  “I’m scared.”

  “Oh, my god.” She begins again in a whisper. “Does he know you can talk?”

  I nod. “Do you know who I am?”

  “Allison Neary Craig. I actually read one of your books, and I’m not a reader. I’m an action person, got to see it, hear it. You know.”

  “I’m not someone else the doctor knew from before?”

  “You know who you are, don’t you?” She sounds frightened now.

  “I’m who you say I am. But my body. Face. The doctor heard my voice and told his sister he would never listen to my voice again as long as he lived. That he’s going to fix it.”

  “I don’t know.” Did she? I wondered. “You’re very beautiful to me, but you … you know how I feel about …”

  I’m learning. “I’m afraid he knows this body and face. Or that he took the eyes and larynx because they remind him of someone.”

  “Miss Allison.” She cups my chin. “I won’t let him hurt you.”

  We both hear the doctor’s footsteps in the hallway and are quiet. She pulls away, begins readying my bath.

  “How are you this morning?” He takes the light blanket covering me down, exposing my nakedness to his eyes.

  “I hurt.” I make my voice gravelly, low.

  “After your bath, I’ll double your drip and ease the pain. I have incredible news. Legs. I was faxed a photograph of them. I’m waiting on tissue matching, but I’m fairly certain they’ll be yours. And they’re long ones.” I can hear the delight in his voice. He is truly happy. It softens my doubts.

  “Fine.” I grunt it out. “Then I’ll dance for you.”

  He laughs coolly. “Be patient.” I feel his fingertips tracing my areolas, making my nipples rigid. His hands move over my breasts, appreciating their curves. His fingers move downward. Suddenly, I worry for Greta. Seeing. Being hurt.

  She makes a noise at the sink. “We’re ready for our bath.”

  Kenneth’s hand retreats. His voice is breathy. “Back in fifteen minutes.”

  As Greta washes my arms, I swear I feel something. She is washing me too quickly.

  “Please, Greta. Take your time.”

  “I’m afraid now, too.”

  I wanted to quiet her fears, but instead I let her hurry my bath. There are no words that could take away her feelings. I share her concern too strongly. When she is done, she hems and haws, then apologizes. I ask her not to, though I am not satisfied by the lack of her touch. She sighs, and leaves.

  Kenneth returns, adjusts my drip. “Sweet dreams, my love.” And I disappear.

  The fog lifts with molasses’ speed. I hear the doctor speaking to a strange woman. A nurse. I smell the operating room, hear the hollowness of it.

  “They’re lovely legs. I imagine the dancer who lost them will miss them, if she survived.”

  “They didn’t tell her they were amputating them?”

  “Her abdomen was nearly crushed in the accident and she’s been unconscious since they brought her in. How is she to know her legs came out of it unscathed?”

  “You’re a devil, Dr. Chernofsky. If I ever need this kind of work, I’ll know who to come to.”

  “Debbie, you’ll never need this kind of work.”

  She giggles, nervously, but the flirtation is over. I try to turn my head. There are bandages on my throat. I can’t swallow. Or breath through my nose, mouth. I hear machines squealing.

  “Herb! She’s coming out of it. Bring her down. Now!” I disappear again.

  Greta is bathing me as I wake. She is sniffling. I wonder if she has a cold. I try to speak, but my throat is closed. I think I will suffocate, but there is a tube in my throat sucking air into my lungs. I buck.

  “Miss Allison. Please. Be still. He’s done something to your larynx. You’ll be breathing through a tube until the swelling goes down. There’s been a lot of trauma to your body the past few weeks. Don’t let yourself be stressed. I’m taking care of you. Really.” Her voice told me someone was near, listening. I relaxed under her touch. “That’s my girl. You’ve got a lot of healing to do.”

  I can’t even moan in pain. Kenneth comes in, distracted.

  “I have two emergency surgeries this afternoon. I can’t sit with you. Damn. Greta will be here. I’m turning up the drip.” Again, I am no longer in the world.

  My hips and shoulders are on fire when I wake and my supply of painkiller is depleted. My throat feels as though I am a cat with a hairball stuck there. I feel tingling in my hands, like the time I almost lost a few fingers to frostbite. How they felt as they came back to life. I wait for Greta to notice. She’s become so close to me, it’s as if she is me, acutely aware of any pain or pleasure I experience. No one comes.

  For the first time, I try to cry. Try because I feel no tears, just the aching in my eye sockets and in my heart.

  Then she comes.

  “Here.” I hear her changing my bag of chemical bliss. She adjusts it, and I gently begin the feather-light drift into painlessness. “I’m so sorry I took so long. I had the opportunity to sneak into his office. I thought I’d get a look at your records, but there’s nothing unusual. I found other women’s files in yours, but Simon has others in his file, too. Let me think … one’s name is Lydia, another Chantal, and the last, her name is Carol.” She clucks her tongue. “How I wish you could respond. I’m not sure what you’d want me to make of it.”

  I lazily rock my head. I may not be moving at all. It could be the rolling motion of the medication. I feel constantly at sea.

  “I’ll be off on Saturday. I’m going to my nephew’s second birthday party. I don’t want anything to happen to you. If anyone thought we were suspicious …” Her hands smooth my hair. “I’ll save you a piece of cake.”

  I would not be eating it soon.

  I begin to get feeling in my right arm, first. I manage to put my thumb and forefinger together. Kenneth is overjoyed, as usual. I keep waiting for him to remove the tube in my throat and let me speak. I know the swelling there has gone down. Yet, he continues the monologues, reassuring me that eyes are coming soon. I take to reverie when he does this now, not wanting to believe the words, and unable not to if I hear them.

  I recall a visit of Simon’s, nearly a year after I arrived in the doctor’s clinic. He came in with Kenneth, but stayed on after Kenneth hurried off to do an emergency surgery.

  “Kenneth has told me about your progress. I can see how wonderful you look.”

  I gestured clumsily with my new hands. Greta had taught me sign language. And I had a large pad of paper and kindergarten pencil to write out blindly what I wished to say.

  “I don’t understand.”

  I was sitting up by then, and grabbed the pencil and paper Greta had left on my nightstand. I wrote, “I wish I could see how wonderful you look. Eyes forthcoming.”

  “Oh, I hope so. Kenneth’s told me he reconstructed your vocal chords. When’s he going to take the tube out of you?”

  I wrote, “Ask him. It’s long overdue. Seems like months.”

  “That couldn’t be right. I will ask. I see you have Greta. She was my nurse, too. The best. I could
n’t have made it without her. She seems especially fond of you.”

  Scribbling quickly, “I agree. My angel of mercy.”

  “I can’t quite read that. Oh, well, I know she’s great.”

  He went on about his new book, but there was no more talk of my surgeries or Kenneth. Greta came in an hour later from lunch and they talked beside me. His affection for her touched me.

  And Kenneth continues to reassure me.

  It’s now fourteen months since I arrived. Kenneth took the tube out last month. I will speak in days, he tells me. And eyes are on their way! I already speak, but I keep it from him, selfishly.

  I listen to him tell me he loves me, but I don’t believe him. A small part of me longs to, still. He exercises my legs with me when he visits, sometimes touching me, exciting me. He says we will make love soon. When I have eyes. I want no one to touch me that way but Greta, now. I don’t understand it, but it is so.

  There is a hunger in me that has been walled off all these months, too, and as I get feeling in my arms and legs, the hunger returns. I crave to write again. To read.

  The eyes arrive. Green, Greta tells me. Kenneth warns me the nerves have been kept in optimal condition, but it is the trickiest of surgeries. If he can reattach my brain, he can do anything, I think.

  This time when I wake, the darkness is wrapped in true gauze. I feel the bandages and, though I’ve been told not to move a muscle in my eyes, I can’t resist turning them toward the sound of Greta when she comes in. The pain is bearable. I tell her I want the first thing I see to be her face.

  She holds me. I can smell her breath, sweet with cloves and honey from her tea.

  “I want that. But I’m afraid. I know what you look like. You’ve never seen me.”

  “How could I love you less when I’ve seen you? Why would I? If Kenneth could fall in love with me at seventy-eight, and I with you, sight unseen, anything is possible.”

  “That’s what I fear. Oh, never mind me. I’ve grown too close, feel everything too much, for both of us. You know, as a nurse, we’re taught not to get too close. This is the danger.”