Crossing's Redemption

by Carrie Daws

  “Taylor has a surprise for you!” said Emma

  “That you’re not supposed to tell her about,” said Jake.

  Emma looked down at the sidewalk, “Oh, yeah.”

  Patricia walked up to the porch and greeted her friend with a hug. Jake held her back just a bit and looked critically at her face. “How are you?” he asked pointedly.

  She smiled. “Better.” She saw the questions in his eyes. “Truly. I will tell you more later.”

  “Did you forget me?” little Andrew called from inside the house.

  Patricia looked through the door but could not see him. Jake spoke before she could ask her question.

  “He’s in his room until you got here.”

  “Another prank gone wrong?”

  Jake rolled his eyes. “What else?” He held the door open for her and Emma as they walked inside. “He switched out the sugar that I use for my coffee.”

  “What did he switch it with?”

  “Salt.”

  Patricia laughed. “Oh, Jake. It was a harmless prank.”

  “I know that. They always are. But as he becomes older, what if they aren’t? What if he hurts someone?”

  “What if he doesn’t?” said Patricia, laying her hand on Jake’s arm.

  “You don’t think I struggle over this?”

  “I know you do,” said Patricia. “But perhaps God simply wants you to enjoy your son’s tendency toward fun while giving him boundaries to keep things safe?”

  “How do I do that?”

  Patricia’s eyes sparkled. “Participate.”

  “Participate! You mean join in? Pull pranks on other people?”

  “Why not? What is the downside?” she asked. Jake adjusted his glasses while she continued. “You get access to his heart and mind, you can help him foresee dangerous possibilities, and you have fun with your son. I see no downside.”

  Emma pulled on Jake’s shirt. “Daddy, can I participate too?” Her big eyes pleaded.

  Jake roughed up her hair. “We’ll see. Daddy has to think about this some more.”

  “Good morning,” said Taylor, appearing in the doorway with a plate full of cinnamon rolls.

  “Child, that smells delicious,” said Patricia.

  Taylor smiled. “I made them for you.”

  Andrew stuck his head around the corner. “Can I come out now? Nanna’s here.”

  Patricia held out her arms to him, and he ran to hug her.

  Everyone sat down to enjoy Taylor’s rolls and the presents Patricia had for the kids. As Patricia and Jake cleaned up the dishes, Andrew ran outside to play with his new basketball while the girls went to Emma’s room to hang her new glow-in-the-dark stars.

  “Tell me more about your panic attacks,” said Jake as he picked up the saucers. “What do you mean they are better?”

  “They are going away,” said Patricia. “They happen less often now.” She grabbed the serving plate with just one remaining cinnamon roll on it.

  “Will they eventually subside completely?”

  “Although he can’t be certain, Ryan thinks they will. At least, he says, they should once I have dealt with everything that brought them on to begin with.”

  “And are you working through all that in Shannon’s Redemption Group?”

  Patricia thought while she started running hot water in the sink. “Yes. Although I think I have more to do, people I need to talk to.”

  Jake waited silently, but Patricia could feel him watching her.

  “One person I think I will talk to soon,” said Patricia.

  “And the other?”

  “I cannot.” Tears gathered in her eyes.

  “Can’t?” said Jake. “Or won’t?”

  Patricia blinked repeatedly, trying to keep the tears from taking over.

  “I don’t understand,” said Jake.

  “To talk to the other person would disrupt more lives than I have a right to.”

  “What are you talking about?” Jake turned off the water.

  “Jake,” said Patricia, reaching out to touch his hand. “It’s okay. You don’t need to worry.”

  “That’s like telling me I don’t have to breathe. Patricia, like it or not, you are part of our family. We love you, and with that comes all the emotions, including concern when we know something isn’t right.”

  Patricia smiled. “I’m in good hands, my friend.”

  Jake stood watching Patricia drive away the next afternoon as the kids ran back inside the house. Yesterday had been a fairly normal day with her as they walked to a park and discussed business at the garage, and she’d helped Taylor make dinner. But in church services this morning, she’d been more withdrawn.

  “What are you holding inside you, old woman?” he muttered to himself as she left his line of sight.

  He considered his options, which seemed few. “God, what am I supposed to do? Am I just supposed to pray?”

  That option didn’t sit well with him, but he wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted to do something or because God was directing him to do something. “Should I call Ryan? He probably can’t tell me anything since she’s seeing him as a patient.”

  Jake adjusted his glasses and breathed in deeply. “Give me guidance, Lord.”

  Dorothy.

  “Her sister?”

  Jake thought about the last time he’d talk to Dorothy, two Christmases ago. Our first without Kelly, when the kids convinced Patricia to spend the day with us. Dorothy called to wish us all Merry Christmas.

  Before he changed his mind, Jake found her number in his address book and picked up the phone. She answered on the second ring.

  “Dorothy? This is Jake Chaplain.”

  He could hear the confusion in her greeting.

  “I don’t know if your sister has been telling you anything, but I’m really concerned about her. I can’t tell you much because she’s not really sharing a lot with me . . .”

  Chapter 14

  JULY THIRD. FIVE WEEKS. AMBER thought about the group sessions she and Patricia had attended throughout June. They were now more than halfway done with this special summer program, and she felt so very different from the woman who had first walked into Shannon’s living room five weeks prior.

  She shifted the bowl of watermelon in her lap and looked over at Peter. He was driving her and Patricia to group tonight. The ladies had decided to celebrate the 4th of July together with an evening picnic on their normal group night, inviting families to join them. She looked forward to introducing her husband to the woman who’d helped her so much.

  Peter parked on the street near the house and took Daniel out of his car seat while Patricia and Amber grabbed the food they’d brought to share. Amber carefully balanced a tray of deviled eggs on top of the fragile, etched-glass bowl full of watermelon that Faye had sent.

  Patricia led the way up the sidewalk, and Shannon greeted them at the door. “Come on in!” She inhaled deeply at Patricia’s covered bowl of baked beans. “That smells wonderful!”

  As Amber stepped inside, she turned to Shannon. “This is my husband, Peter.”

  Shannon grasped Peter’s hand warmly and then turned her attention to Daniel. “Hey, cutie!” She tickled his belly and smiled in delight as he grinned at her from the safety of Peter’s neck. “A little bit shy, are we?”

  “Just a little,” said Peter.

  Patricia returned from dropping her food off in the kitchen and reached out to Daniel. “Let me take the little one while you go meet the others.” Daniel eyed Shannon cautiously while leaning towards Patricia.

  Shannon led the way to the kitchen. “Most everyone is outside around the grill, but you are welcome to hang out here in the kitchen if you’d prefer. Oh, honey, I’d like you to meet . . .”

  The bowl in Amber’s hands crashed to the floor, watermelon going everywhere. Time froze as she met the eyes of the man Shannon had just called “honey.” No!

  Her knees almost buckled on her, and she might have fallen if Pete
r hadn’t been so close. She vaguely felt his hands on her shoulders. Voices sounded like she was underwater. She took a step back, running more firmly into Peter. She turned and forced her way through obstacles, her focus on escape through the front door.

  The Jeep. I have to get to the Jeep.

  Someone yelled her name, but she didn’t stop. She powered through the front door, running as fast as she could to the Jeep. Peter’s Jeep.

  Strong arms caught her halfway across the yard. They held tight as she struggled, fists pounding on a solid chest. Tears flooded her eyes as soft words slowly made their way into her brain.

  “I’ve got you, my Ray,” said Peter. “You’re safe.”

  Peter. Slowly, her body relaxed. Peter. She clenched his shirt and focused. I am safe. He can’t hurt me.

  As she stopped fighting him, Peter eased his hold on her. His chin on the top of her head, one hand gently ran down her hair as she regained control.

  He leaned back slightly and kissed her forehead. He took both hands, smoothing her hair from around her face, wiping tears from her cheeks. “Are you ready to tell me what that was about?”

  Amber looked at the small group gathered in front of Shannon’s house as she laid her head against Peter: Patricia holding Daniel, Debbie, Lynn, and a child she assumed was one of Lynn’s children. Women she’d grown to care about through this group. Shannon was not there, probably cleaning up the mess of glass and fruit she’d just made in the kitchen.

  “That man, Peter,” she whispered.

  “Shannon’s husband?”

  Amber nodded. “That was Martin.”

  Amber felt Peter tense. She leaned into his strength even more, and his arms tightened around her.

  After several minutes, Peter broke the silence. “What do you want to do? Do you want to go home?”

  The battled raged in Amber’s mind. She wanted to be as far away from Martin as possible, yet his presence in Shannon’s peace-filled home confused her. Daddy! What do I do?

  A gentle voice responded. What does Psalm 56 tell you?

  Amber concentrated on the Psalm she’d been studying. “When I am afraid,” she said, “I will trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?”

  “Your Psalm?” said Peter.

  Amber sighed. “Yes.” She thought for a moment before adding, “I want to go home, Peter, but I need to tell Shannon. I can’t leave without seeing her.”

  Peter stepped back, his hands framing her face. “Okay. But we go together.”

  Amber cleared her throat and faced the group still standing on the front step. As she approached, Patricia looked at her questioningly. Amber reached out to her. “I need to go home.”

  Patricia simply nodded. “I will put Daniel in his car seat.”

  Lynn reached out to hug Amber, great concern in her eyes. Amber returned the hug and smiled at Debbie as she and Peter walked into the house.

  Martin stood in the hallway, tears streaming down his face. She stopped abruptly when she saw him, leaning back into Peter for security.

  “Amber,” said Martin. “I’m so sorry.”

  Shannon appeared behind Martin as Amber focused on not running. Martin gestured with his hands, and Amber instinctively flinched. Peter quietly reached out on both sides of her, wrapping his hands around her upper arms.

  Martin looked down at his hands and then dropped them to his sides. Shannon placed a hand on his forearm, concern for him filling her posture.

  “I have no excuse,” Martin finally said. “And I know it’s asking a lot, but I ask for your forgiveness.”

  Amber raised her chin slightly.

  Forgiveness. Such a simple word but so full of meaning. She considered her journey over the last five weeks and realized all of it was truly about repentance and forgiveness. Everything about the Christian life comes down to repentance and forgiveness. Can I offer that to him?

  Can you not? came the gentle reply.

  Amber looked back at Peter. She grabbed hold of one of his hands and held tight. “Obviously I still have a lot of work to do, but I can’t deny the work that God’s already done. I have forgiven you, Martin . . .”

  He took a step forward, and she held her hand out to stop him.

  “. . . Not that I want any kind of relationship with you.”

  Martin nodded. “Fair enough.”

  Amber focused on Shannon, still holding on to her husband. “I hope you understand, but we can’t stay.”

  Shannon walked towards her. “Of course.” She hugged Amber tight. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea my Nick was your Martin.”

  Amber hugged her back but felt empty. The closeness she had been feeling towards her earlier was now in question. “It’s okay. You couldn’t have known.”

  Shannon released Amber. “Call me if . . . well, if you want to.”

  Amber smiled at her. She took one last look at Martin before turning to walk out the door.

  Chapter 15

  AMBER PINCHED THE BRIDGE OF her nose. The brisk walk out to the river near their house had expended her anger but done little to soothe her. The leaves on the trees rustled in the breeze above her as the sunshine struggled to peak through the clouds on an otherwise warm July afternoon.

  She walked over to the wood bench Peter had made for his mother and focused on the verse he’d inscribed along the back. The Lord has chosen you to be his treasured possession.

  “I’m not much of a treasure today, Lord,” she muttered.

  “I disagree with that.”

  Amber looked to her left. “Hey, Pete,” she said quietly.

  He walked closer to her but didn’t say anything.

  Guilt for losing her temper on him and Chad at the office a few moments ago overwhelmed her. “I’m sorry I exploded on you and Chad.”

  “How about you tell me what’s really going on, because I don’t believe this is all about the log counts being off.”

  She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I’m not sure.”

  Peter stepped closer, taking her hands in his. “Yes, I think you know.”

  “Ahhhh.” Amber twisted free and plopped on the bench, placing her elbows on her knees and burying her face in her hands. “Why does this have to be so hard?”

  “What?”

  He wouldn’t settle for less than what was weighing on her heart. I shouldn’t settle for less either. “I don’t know if I can go back to Shannon’s group.”

  Peter sat down beside her.

  “Why not?”

  “You know,” she said.

  “I know the part I’m struggling with,” said Peter. “I want to hear what you’re struggling with.”

  Amber looked sideways at him. “You’re having trouble with this?”

  “Oh, no. You are not re-directing this conversation to me. You’ve snapped at me four times in the last six days. It’s time we deal with this.”

  “I’ve been really horrible, haven’t I?”

  “No. Challenging,” said Peter with a grin to take the edge off his words.

  Amber smiled back before leaning with her back against him. “I’m sorry.”

  He kissed the back of her head. “It’s okay. Now ’fess up. What’s going through your head?”

  Amber sighed deeply. “I don’t believe Shannon knew that her husband and I had a past, but now I think that every time I walk into her house, I’ll be thinking about him and not the group or what I’m supposed to be doing.”

  “Do you think he’ll interrupt the group?”

  “No. At least, he never did before.”

  “So you’re concerned that you’ll be more focused on your past than on your present.”

  “That almost makes it sound silly,” said Amber.

  “No, it’s not,” said Peter, wrapping both arms around her. “Maybe I don’t understand the group right, but I thought the point was to look at whatever traumas you’ve experienced and investigate them with God at your side.”r />
  “Yeah, I guess. We’ve been encouraged to look at the lies we’ve believed and let God speak fresh truth into them. For me, that meant giving up the lie that God wasn’t there or didn’t care.”

  “So how is you going to group meeting and thinking about your traumatic past with Martin a bad thing?”

  Amber thought about Peter’s take on her dilemma. “You really think I should go?”

  Peter turned her around so she could see his face. “I want you as far away from that man and his home as possible.” Peter ran his hand through his hair, a sign Amber recognized as building frustration or concern. “But,” Peter continued, “that’s not what God wants.”

  “Why do you say that?” Amber really wanted to know whether returning to her Redemption Group was the right decision before her next meeting tomorrow night.

  “I’ve watched you over the last week slowly rewrap yourself in the cloak of shame. In these six days, I’ve heard more self-condemnation come from your mouth about yourself than I’ve heard in years. Suddenly, in your own words, you are incompetent, disorganized, and horrible.”

  “Seeing him again really got to me.”

  Peter pulled her in close. “I get that. I do. You should be angry and hurt over what he did to you. It’s okay to feel that fear and horror as you walk through this process of dealing with it all.”

  He released her, using a hand to tilt her chin up so they were looking in each other’s eyes. “But my beautiful Ray, you cannot live there. I long for you to grab hands with God, walk through the pain, and leave the burden of it behind you.”

  Tears began to form as she thought about what Peter was asking of her.

  “I know those days will forever be in your memory,” said Peter, “and I know they help explain why you do or say or think certain ways.” He rubbed a thumb across her cheek, wiping away a tear. “But they don’t have to define the rest of your life.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

  “Do you trust God?”

  The hesitation was very slight. “Yes.”

  “Then quit looking at the end of the road and just focus on today.”

  Amber sighed. She looked at her small hand safely clasped inside Peter’s. “Psalm 56 says that my enemies will turn back when I call for help.”