Longing for Love

by Vicki Green

  “Irish. Are you okay?” I walk over quickly and lay my hand on hers. She looks at me and smiles. “No! Really?” She nods and happiness for her and Caylan flow through me. I lean in and give her a hug. “I’m so happy for you.” She turns and leans against the counter as I stand there still smiling.

  “What?” Charles’ huffs. “What am I missing?”

  I turn and look at him and then look at Irish. She shrugs, giving me the okay. I turn and walk over to him. “Irish is pregnant.” He looks at her and then at me, his mouth turning up into a smile. He reaches out and puts his hands on my arms and I wince. His brows lower, worry covers his face. “Bria? What’s wrong?” I start to take a step back when he grabs my wrist and pulls up the sleeve on my robe. I had no idea just how badly the bruise had grown and darkened, forming a hand print around my arm. “Who in the hell did this?” He growls and I bite my lip. He releases me and I walk over to the table, hearing his footsteps behind me. As I sit, I delve into what happened, his anger rising the more I told him. “That son of a bitch!” I look over at Irish, who’d sat down across from me and scrunch my face.

  “I guess it was bound to happen but I was pretty shocked to find out he’d had a daughter with Janine. Doesn’t surprise me totally though,” I tell them as I get up and get us all bottled waters from the fridge. I pass one to each of them and sit back down.

  “Wow! And here I thought my life sucked before. This certainly is messed up and beats my dysfunctional family, that’s for sure,” Irish says and then takes a drink. I let out a laugh and then Charles looks at me, and we both start laughing. I know about Irish’s family and how she hasn’t talked to them in a year, not even knowing where they are now.

  After a couple of hours of talking, Charles creates a plan to form my own business with him, and Irish tells me that everything will work out fine. I’m exhausted by the time I kiss her cheek goodbye, locking the door behind her. “I’m going up to bed. Thank you for being here, being my rock,” I tell Charles as I lean in for a kiss. He puts his arm around me as I turn off the lights and we make our way upstairs. He ended up getting out my bottle of vodka from under the sink and decided he’d better sleep in one of the spare bedrooms tonight after drinking most of it. I didn’t want him to leave anyway, wanting the company, the feeling of someone who loves me close by.

  I climb in bed. Smoky is already ready for bed and laying on the mattress. I turn off the lamp then curl into her. I close my eyes, wishing for her soft purrs to lull me into darkness but all I can think of is Kane.

  Morning came and the day grew long. No calls or messages again from Kane. Charles told me to leave him alone, let him come to his senses, but I’m not so sure he will. Before me, he was used to doing what he wanted, when he wanted, and with every woman he could. Why would he want to settle for only me now? He told me he loved me but maybe it was just lust. I gave him my heart, my body, my soul. I gave him the one thing I can’t take back, my virginity, but deep down, I’m still gad it was him I gave it to. I feel deflated and stupid that I thought I had his love in return. Sometimes people just can’t change. It’s just who they are. I was foolish to think he could for me. Stupid girl.

  In the following days, Charles put his plan in motion and even though I’ve had bouts of morning sickness, I began contacting my clients, bringing them over to my side. I was polite, respectful, sharing a dream of owning my own designing business and they came. They all came. Charles found a piece of land and put a bid on it. If we get it, we’ll begin construction as soon as possible for a new office building. Between the two of us we came up with the perfect design and he’s already working on creating it. We wanted a good name for our new venture so we called it “Daniels Designs”, not wanting to use only last names, only by proprietorship. He designed a logo and he did all the work to set up our new business legally.

  I’ve tried not to think of Kane but can’t stop myself. Every single second of every day. My heart hurts with loneliness and rejection eating away at me. Charles tries to cheer me up and I let him believe he does but inside I’m slipping into a state of despair.

  The last two days, I’ve thrown up more than I’ve eaten, which isn’t saying a whole lot. Irish and Caylan have been visiting frequently, giving me news that the office building they’d worked on for Daddy was completed, and Brock has ownership of Pop’s bar but is not changing the name in remembrance. They also told me that Kane now owns the construction business but he and Brock really work together on both places. Strength in family. I often wonder how Danie is coping with the loss of her mother and then her grandfather but Irish says she’s made great progress with her therapist and is doing well. I’m so happy for her and miss her terribly. I’d grown to love her so much.

  Tonight I made Charles go home so I can have a little alone time. He’s been hovering, out of concern I know, but I need some time to wallow. A storm is blowing outside. The lights have flickered more than once. I’ve been trying to go to sleep but all I can do is cry into my pillow. How can things have gone so horribly wrong? I miss Kane. I miss him with my entire being. Tomorrow is Pop’s funeral and when I told Irish I didn’t think I should go, she threw a fit, telling me he loved me and that I had every right to go. I’m still unsure. I don’t think I can take seeing Kane there. I might do something stupid and fall to his feet, holding onto his leg, and beg him to take me back. Tears stream down my face as I cover my stomach with my hand, wondering what he’d think if he knew that I’m carrying his child. Would he reject it as he has me? Would it make a difference if he didn’t? All these thoughts have been plaguing me for so long that they’ve exhausted any hope I had left in me. Finally, I close my eyes, and will myself to fall asleep, hoping for a little peace in my life.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Kane

  I did the one thing I never thought I’d ever do. I left Ma’s house that day and went to another bar and got stinking drunk. Yeah, it was too early but it made me not think anymore, not feel. I asked Caylan to pick me up and take me home and I slept the rest of the day and night away but not before he gave me an ear full. One thing about Caylan, he’s nice, smart, would give you the shirt off his back but when he gets pissed – watch out.

  “You know, I’ve been there. I have parents who are loving, like you do, and you know I was a playboy, like you. Thing I learned is what I’ve told you before, you find a woman who touches your heart, makes you think only about her, can’t breathe without her, and you stop your gallivanting around. Those days are over.” He looks at me and is hazy through my alcohol filled eyes.

  “I love her, Caylan,” I slur. Fuck! I love her so damn much.

  He smiles, bowing his head for a moment. “I know. Then why are you doing this? Why are you pushing her away? Doesn’t make sense, my friend.”

  It really doesn’t make sense but what does anymore? I let out a deep sigh. “Everything’s confused anymore. I want her but I’m afraid I’ll lose her. She’ll figure out that I’m not worth it or something will happen to her that will devastate me again. Life sucks.” He laughs and I can’t help but let out a burst of laughter too. Then my brows lower and suddenly, I can’t take a deep breath. “It hurts without her.” I look into his eyes that are full of understanding. “But I’m not in a good place, man. I need to get there before I can beg her to take me back.” He nods. “Thanks.”

  His brows raise. “For what?”

  “For being my friend, understanding and yelling some sense into me when I need it.” He laughs.

  “Anytime, bro. Anytime.”

  Don’t know how I got so lucky that he came into my life but thank fuck he did.

  The next day was family day and I felt like shit, smelling of stale alcohol and sweat from trying to rid my body of it. But later I ate, played with Danie, and when Brock and Taren came over, bringing Janae, I held her. She took my breath away. So little. I imagined what it would have been like to hold Danie when she was first born. I missed so much of her life. And I got angry.
r />   Angry for missing Danie’s birth.

  Angry for Pop dying.

  Angry for being such an asshole.

  Monday I went to work and told the crews we were gonna hustle to finish, we were so close. I looked over my shoulder for Bria all day but she never came. Later that day, Irish cornered me in the trailer and told me Bria no longer worked for Daniels Corporation. I was shocked but shrugged her off. I can’t think about that right now. But inside it twisted me, made me curious as to why.

  That night, I went out to another bar, tying one on until I couldn’t feel anymore. A woman approached me and I followed her home. We’d gotten as far as getting undressed, our lips locked together. She felt – good. But she wasn’t Bria, the only woman who plagued me, lived in my head and in my heart. I left her place bewildered and confused, telling the woman I was sorry. Bria is under my skin and I can’t get her out. I see her everywhere, in my thoughts, and she haunts me in my dreams. No amount of alcohol can take that away. Believe me, I’ve tried. But in the end, do I really want her to go away?

  The days are long, the nights longer. Danie’s making such great progress that Dr. Moray thinks she may not need to come back soon, unless she wants to, feels the need. She’s talking up a storm now, so much you can’t shut her up. God, I love it, love her. She’s everything but still in my heart, something’s missing. Someone is missing.

  Now it’s Friday, we finished the building yesterday, and I feel like I might go crazy. There’s another new building that I want to get my crews on and need to go talk to the business owner but I found out its not finalized yet for them to begin building so I need to wait and check on Monday. It’s weird to be the owner of Pop’s business now but I know I’ll do everything to make him proud. He always told me he was proud of me, something that some never hear from their parents. Bria. Bored and making myself insane, I decide to go see Dr. Moray myself, leaving Danie with Ma. I talked about Pop, how I’m not dealing well with his death. I talked about Bria, choking out how I pushed her away, afraid that if I love her too much I felt like something bad would happen to her and I couldn’t handle it. The truth came out, everything laid on the table. My soul bare. The biggest thing….

  I’m scared.

  Terrified is more like it. She told me that when Pop died, something in me clicked and I felt like anyone I love could be gone in an instant so my reflex action was to get her out of my life now. It would somehow be less painful not to know if – or when – anything did happen to her. Since I wouldn’t know, I’d be free of that pain, that grief. Fuck, I’m an asshole. A selfish one. How could I be so insensitive? Now, my fear is – would she take me back? I left the doctor’s office feeling like a new man or maybe I’m just myself again but better. All I know is I need to come up with a plan and fast to get Bria back, beg for her forgiveness and pray to God that she still loves me enough she can see past the pain I’ve caused her and take me back. I’ll do anything.

  I decide to drive over to the beach, close to what was our secret beach behind Bria’s house, and park in a small parking lot where I used to. I pull my shirt off my back and carry it down to the sand, sitting down, and remove my shoes and socks. I lean back on my arm and just stare into the waves. So much has happened in my life.

  Friendship.

  Love.

  Death.

  Life.

  I guess many experience all the things that I have and deal with it. I guess I had to come to terms with it all in my own way. The friendship and family I was already accustomed to but the love of one woman and death, that’s what did me in, made me go a little crazy. I’ve lived through protecting Brock and Taren, trying to save their lives from an untimely death to falling in love with a woman who now I can’t live without. I found out I’m a daddy to the cutest, sweetest little girl in the world, someone else I need to protect now. With my life. And I would.

  I look out across the water thinking about the time Bria and I spent on her beach, her little heaven. Our little heaven. Her laugh, her sweet smile that would light up her beautiful face, her body beneath mine and how being inside her was my own little heaven.

  I stand, shaking the sand from my bottom and walk back to my truck and head back over to Ma’s with a feeling of renewed hope. Pop’s funeral is tomorrow and I need to help her get ready. She’ll have people over afterwards and will want to make sure everything is just right. I’ll help her, along with the rest of the family. It’s time for me to man up, become the man I should be, and when it’s over I’ll leave and do something I should have done a long time ago. I’ll go get my girl.

  That night, we all sit around Ma’s house, eating dinner, laughing, and sharing more memories of Pop. The whole time I’m thinking Bria should be here. She should be in my arms, sitting around the table, and being where she belongs. In my family. I decide that Danie and I should spend the night here, easier to get us ready in the morning and leave for the funeral home with Ma. The rest of the family will meet us over there, some riding with us in the limo.

  After getting Danie bathed, her hair untangled with her brush, and into her jammies, I tuck her into bed and sit by her side. I move some of her wayward hair away from her face and look into her eyes.

  “Daddy?”

  I smile, still loving the feeling I get when she says that. “Yes, Little Miss?”

  “Is Bria dead?”

  My heart stops at the thought. My entire body stiffens. I relax, knowing that of course Danie would think that. I cut her out of our lives. It makes sense she would associate it to death after what she’s been through. I take her small hand in mind, smoothing my thumb over her baby skin. “No, Danie. She’s not dead.” I give her a little smile.

  “Does she not like me anymore,” she whispers. Damn, I’m an idiot. I really should have somehow explained what was going on to her but I really didn’t understand it myself.

  “No, baby. She loves you. It’s just….” Fuck, this is harder than I thought. “You know Daddy loves Bria, right?” She nods, her expression still sad. “Well, after Grandpop died, I had a hard time dealing with that, like you did. So, I just needed a little time. Does that make sense?”

  I’m stronger now.

  God, probably not. She nods slowly, like she’s not really sure. “It’s hard to explain but just know this…. Bria hasn’t stopped loving you, she’s just been away for a little bit but I’m hoping to talk to her tomorrow. Okay?” Her little mouth turns up into a smile.

  “Okay, Daddy.”

  I rub my finger across her cheek and play pinch her nose. She lets out a giggle and my heart beats strongly again. “Now, go to bed, Little Miss. We have a big day tomorrow. It’ll be time to say goodbye to Grandpop, tell him we love him, and that we’ll see him again someday.” With the help of Dr. Moray, we’d explained what death means and that we hope to see our loved ones again but we hope it won’t be for a long, long time. We’d keep them in our hearts and minds forever. She seemed to accept that and I was relieved. I never knew it would be so hard to explain things to an almost four year old. I still have so much to learn.

  Later, after Ma had gone to bed, I lay on the couch thinking about how I’ll talk to Bria tomorrow. Irish told me she would be at the funeral or thinks she will. I blink rapidly into the darkness from my place on the couch. I still haven’t cried for Pop. Will I ever? Dr. Moray told me some never do because they don’t need it to grieve. I just think I’m weird or something. I thought everyone cried when someone died. I ended up tossing and turning on the couch all night. Every time I closed my eyes, Bria materialized before me, crying, her heart ripped out. I imagined she was grieving Pop but also grieving the loss of me in her life. Of us. I did that to her. I tore out her heart and stomped on it. Finally, about four in the morning, I gave up trying to sleep. I couldn’t take the pain of what I’d done to her anymore. To us. I ended up cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom, trying to stay busy. When I got done, I start making breakfast. I may not be a huge cook but breakfast I can do. Hash bro
wns, biscuits and gravy, bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, and toast. By the time I had the first batch done, Caylan and Irish came walking into the kitchen. The second batch, Danie came running in, and the third, Ma stood beside me and pinched my cheek.

  “Such a good boy.”

  I laughed as I scooped the last of the scrambled eggs into another bowl and carried it over to the table seeing Taren and Brock was holding Jenae. At some point extra chairs had been added and Betty and Mimi were eating too. Everyone’s here. Everyone except Bria and my heart. Irish had pulled me to the side and told me she’d invited her here this morning but Bria told her she’d see her at the funeral.

  She’s avoiding you.

  No doubt. I did that to myself. And her. I don’t have much of an appetite but eat enough just to keep my strength up. I’m gonna need it. I offer to clean up, letting Ma go get ready. Then we all sit around and spend some time together.

  Later, Taren had taken Danie for me and fed her a light lunch since the funeral isn’t set to start until around two and there’s so much food to be eaten afterwards. Irish and Taren said they wanted to help Danie with her bath and get dressed so I’m left with nothing to do. I need to do something.