by Maisey Yates
“It hurts to breathe,” Isaiah said, his voice rough. “When I look at her.”
“If you aren’t with her, it’ll still hurt to breathe. She just won’t be beside you.”
“I didn’t want a wife so I could be in love,” Isaiah said. “I wanted one to make my life easier.”
“You don’t add another person to your life to make it easier. Other people only make things harder, and you should have a better understanding of that than most. You accept another person into your life because you can’t live without them. Because easy isn’t the most important thing anymore. She is. That’s love. And it’s bigger than fear. It has to be, because love itself is so damned scary.”
“Why does anyone do it?” Isaiah asked.
“You do it when you don’t have a choice anymore. I almost let Danielle walk away from me. I almost ruined the best thing I’d ever been given because of fear. And you tell me why a smart man would do that? Why does fear get to be the biggest emotion? Why can’t love win?”
Isaiah stood there, feeling like something had shifted under his feet.
He couldn’t outrun emotion. Even when he suppressed it, there was an emotion that was winning: fear.
He’d never realized that, never understood it, until now.
“Think about it,” Joshua said.
Then he turned and walked out of the house, leaving Isaiah alone with his obviously flawed thinking.
He loved Poppy.
To his bones. To his soul.
He couldn’t breathe for the pain of it, and he had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do with the damned fear that gnawed at his gut.
This had all started with an ad for a wife. With the most dispassionate idea any man had ever hatched.
Him, divorcing himself from feeling and figuring out a way to make his life look like he wanted it to look. To make it look like his parents’ lives. His idea of home.
Only now he realized he’d left out the most important thing.
Love.
It was strange how his idea of what he wanted his life to be had changed. He had wanted to get married. He had wanted a wife. And he’d found a way to secure that.
But now he just wanted Poppy.
Whether they were married or not, whether or not they had perfect, domestic bliss and Sunday dinners just like his parents, whether they were in a little farmhouse or his monstrosity of a place... It didn’t matter. If she was there.
Wherever Poppy was...that was his home.
And if he didn’t have her, he would never have a home.
He could get that drink now. Stop the pain in his chest from spreading further, dull the impending realization of what he’d done. To himself. To his life. But he had to feel it. He had to.
He braced himself against the wall and lowered his head, pain starting in his stomach, twisting and turning its way up into his chest. Like a shard of glass had been wedged into the center of his ribs and was pushed in deeper with each breath.
He’d never lost love before.
He’d had wounded pride. Damaged trust.
But he’d never had a broken heart.
Until now.
And he’d done it to himself.
Poppy had offered him all he needed in the world, and he’d been too afraid to take it.
Poppy had lived a whole life filled with heartbreak. With being let down. He’d promised to take care of her, and then he hadn’t. He was just another person who’d let her down. Another person who hadn’t loved her like she should have been loved.
He should have loved her more than he loved himself.
He clenched his hand into a fist. He was done with this. With this self-protection. He didn’t want it anymore.
He wanted Poppy.
Now. Always.
More than safety. More than breathing.
But he’d broken her trust. She’d already loved and lost so many people in her life, had been let down by parades of people who should have done better, and there was no logical reason for her to forgive him.
He just had to hope that love would be stronger than fear.
Fifteen
Poppy was a study in misery.
She had taken all her easily moved things and gone back to her house.
She wasn’t going to flee the town. She loved her house, and she didn’t really have anywhere else to go at the moment. No, she was going to have to sort that out, but later.
She wasn’t entirely sure what she wanted. Where she would go.
She would have to find another job.
She could, she knew that. She had amply marketable skills. It was just that... It would mean well and truly closing the door on the Isaiah chapter of her life. Possibly the longest chapter she even had.
So many people had cycled in and out of her life. There had been a few constants, and the Graysons had been some of her most cherished friends. It hurt. Losing him like this. Losing them. But this was just how life went for her. And there was nothing she could do about it. She was always, forever at the mercy of people who simply couldn’t...
She swallowed hard.
There was no real furniture left in her house after she’d moved to Isaiah’s ranch. She had gathered a duffel bag full of clothes and a sleeping bag. She curled up in the sleeping bag on the floor in the corner of her bedroom and grabbed her cell phone.
There was one person she really owed a phone call.
She dialed her foster sister’s number and waited.
“Hello?”
“I hope it’s not too late,” Poppy said, rolling to her side and looking out the window at the inky black sky.
It had the audacity to look normal out there. Clear and crisp like it was just a typical December night and not a night where her world had crashed down around her.
“Of course not. Jason and I were just getting ready to go out. But that can wait. What’s going on?”
“Oh. Nothing... Everything.”
“What’s going on?” Rosalind repeated, her voice getting serious. “You haven’t called in a couple of months.”
“Neither have you,” Poppy pointed out.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve never been very good at keeping in touch. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like hearing from you.”
“I’m pregnant,” Poppy blurted out.
The pause on the other end was telling. But when Rosalind finally did speak, her voice was shot through with excitement. “Poppy, congratulations. I’m so happy for you.”
“I’m single,” she said as a follow-up.
“Well, I figured you would have altered your announcement slightly if you weren’t.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” She pulled her knees up and tucked her head down, holding her misery to her chest.
“If you need money or a place to stay... You know you can always come and stay with me and Jason.”
Poppy did know that. Maybe that was even why she had called Rosalind. Because knowing that she had a place with her foster sister made her feel slightly less rootless.
She wouldn’t need to use it. At least, she shouldn’t need to use it. But knowing that Rosalind was there for her helped.
Right now, with the only other anchor in her life removed and casting her mostly adrift, Rosalind was more important than ever.
“Isaiah isn’t being a terror about it, is he?” Rosalind asked.
“Not... Not the way you mean,” Poppy said slowly. “It’s Isaiah’s baby.”
The silence stretched even longer this time. “Isaiah?”
“Yes,” Poppy said. “And I know... I know that’s... I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing to me?” Rosalind sounded genuinely mystified.
“Because he’s your...your ex. And I know I don’t have a lot of experience wit
h family, but you’re the closest thing I have to a sister, and I know you don’t...go dating your sister’s ex-boyfriends.”
“Well. Yes. I suppose so. But he’s my ex. From a long time ago. And I’m with someone else now. I’ve moved on. Obviously, so has he. Why would you keep yourself from something you want just because...just because it’s something other people might not think was okay? If you love him...”
Poppy realized that the guilt she felt was related to the fact that her feelings for Isaiah had most definitely originated when Isaiah had not been Rosalind’s ex.
“I’ve had feelings for him for a long time,” Poppy said quietly. “A really long time.”
“Don’t tell me you feel bad about that, Poppy,” Rosalind said.
“I do,” Poppy said. “He was your boyfriend. And you got me a job with him. In that whole time...”
“You didn’t do anything. It’s not like you went after him when were together.”
“No.”
“I’m the cheater in that relationship.” Rosalind sighed heavily. “I didn’t handle things right with Isaiah back then. I cheated on him, and I shouldn’t have. I should have been strong enough to break things off with him without being unfaithful. But I wasn’t.”
They’d never talked about this before. The subject of Isaiah had always been too difficult for Poppy. She’d been so angry that Rosalind had hurt him, and then so resentful that her betrayal had claimed such a huge part of his heart.
But Poppy had never really considered...how Rosalind’s past might have informed what she’d done.
And considering happiness had made Poppy act a lot like a feral cat, she should have.
“He was the first person who treated me really well, and I felt guilty about it,” Rosalind continued. “But gratitude isn’t love. And what I felt for him was gratitude. When I met Jason, my whole world kind of turned over, and what I felt for him was something else. Something I had never experienced before.
“I caused a lot of trouble for Isaiah, and I feel bad about it. But you certainly shouldn’t feel guilty over having feelings for him. You should... You should be with him. He’s a great guy, Poppy. I mean, not for me. He’s too serious and just...not right for me. But you’ve known him in a serious way even longer than I have, and if you think he’s the guy for you...”
“We were engaged,” Poppy said. “But he broke it off.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.” Poppy laughed. “A very Isaiah story, really. We got engaged. Then we slept together. Then I broke up with him. Then I got pregnant. Then we slept together again. Then we kind of...got back engaged... But then he...broke up with me because I told him I was in love with him.”
“We really need to not have so much time between phone calls,” Rosalind said. “Okay. So... You being in love with him...scared him?”
“Yes,” Poppy said slowly.
She wasn’t going to bring up Rosalind’s part in the issues between Poppy and Isaiah. Mostly because Poppy didn’t actually believe they were a significant part. Not specifically. The issues that Isaiah had with love and feelings were definitely on him.
“And you’re just going to...let him walk away from what you have?”
“There’s nothing I can do to stop him. He said he doesn’t love me. He said he doesn’t... He doesn’t want a relationship like that. There’s nothing I can do to change how he feels.”
“What did you do when he said that?”
“I yelled at him. And then...I left.”
“If I was in love with a guy, I would camp out on his doorstep. I would make him miserable.”
“I have some pride, Rosalind.”
“I don’t,” Rosalind said. “I’m a crazy bitch when it comes to love. I mean, I blew up a really good thing to chase after Jason.”
“This is... It’s different.”
“But you love him.”
“How many times can I be expected to care for someone and lose them? You know. Better than anyone, you understand what growing up was like for me. For us. People were always just...shuffling us around on a whim. And I just... I can’t handle it. Not anymore.”
“There’s a really big difference between now and then,” Rosalind pointed out. “We are not kids. This is what I realized, though a little bit late with Isaiah. I wasn’t a child. I didn’t have to go along. I had a choice. Child services and foster families and toxic parents don’t get to run our lives anymore, Poppy. We are in charge now. You’re your own caseworker. You are the one who gets to decide what kind of life you want to have. Who you want to live with. What you’ll settle for and what you won’t. You don’t have to wait for someone to rescue you or accept it when someone says they can’t be with you.”
“I kind of do. He said...”
“What’s the worst that could happen if you fight for him one more time? Just one more?”
Poppy huffed out a laugh. “I’ll die of humiliation.”
“You won’t,” Rosalind said. “I guarantee you, humiliation isn’t fatal. If humiliation were fatal, I would have died twice before Jason and I actually got married. At least. I was insecure and clingy, and a lot of it was because of how our relationship started, which was my own fault. My fear of getting him dirty and losing him dirty, that kind of thing. But...now we’ve been married for five years, and...none of that matters. Now all that matters is that we love each other. That we have each other. Everything else is just a story we tell and laugh about.”
“You know Isaiah. He was very certain.”
“I don’t actually know Isaiah as well as you do. But you’re going to have a baby with him. And... Whether or not you get him in the end, don’t you think what you want is worth fighting for? Not for the sake of the baby, or anything like that. But for you. Have you ever fought for you before, Poppy?”
She had started to. When Isaiah had broken things off. But...
She didn’t know if she really had.
Maybe Rosalind was right. Maybe she needed to face this head-on. Again.
Because nobody controlled the show but her. Nobody told her when to be done except for her.
And pride shouldn’t have the last word.
“I love you,” Poppy said. “I hope you know that. I know we’re different. But you’ve been family to me. And... You’re responsible for some of the best things I have in life.”
“Well, I’m going to feel guilty if Isaiah breaks your heart.”
“Even if he does... I’ll be glad he was in my life for as long as he was. I love him. And...being able to love someone like this is a gift. One I don’t think I fully appreciated. With our background, just being able to admit my love without fear, without holding back... That’s something. It’s special. It’s kind of a miracle.”
“It really is,” Rosalind said. “I had a rocky road to Jason. I had a rocky road to love, but Poppy, it’s so worth it in the end. I promise you.”
“I just hope Isaiah realizes how special it is. How amazing it is. His parents always loved him. He grew up in one house. He...doesn’t know that not everyone has someone to love them.”
“He might have had all of that, Poppy, but he’s never had you. Don’t sell yourself short.”
Poppy tried to breathe around the emotion swelling in her chest. “If it all works out, you’re invited to the wedding,” Poppy said decisively.
“Are you sure?”
“Of course. You’re my family. And the family I’ve created is the most important thing I have.”
“Good,” Rosalind said. “Then go fight for the rest of it.”
Poppy would do that. She absolutely would.
* * *
Isaiah didn’t know for sure that he would find Poppy at her house. He could only hope that he would.
If not, he would have to launch a search of the entire town, which everyone was go
ing to find unpleasant. Because he would be getting in faces and asking for access to confidential records. And while he was confident that ultimately he would get his way, he would rather not cut a swath of rage and destruction through the community that he tried to do business in.
But, desperate times.
He felt like he was made entirely of feelings. His skin hurt from it. His heart felt bruised. And he needed to... He needed to find Poppy and tell her.
He needed to find her and he needed to fix this.
It was 6:00 a.m., and he had two cups of coffee in his hand when he pounded on the door of her house with the toe of his boot.
It took a couple of minutes, but the door finally opened and revealed Poppy, who was standing there in baggy pajama pants with polar bears on them, and a plain shirt. Her hair was exceptionally large and sticking out at all angles, one curl hanging in her face. And she looked...
Not altogether very happy to see him.
“What are you doing here?”
“I brought you coffee.”
“Yesterday you brought me cotton candy, and you were still a dick. So explain to me why I should be compelled by the coffee.” She crossed her arms and treated him to a hard glare.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Well, that works, because I need to talk to you too. Though, I was not going to talk to you at six in the morning.”
“Were you asleep?”
“Obviously. It’s six in the morning.” Then her shoulders slumped and she sighed, backing away from the door. “No. I wasn’t sleeping.”
He found himself relieved by that.
“I couldn’t sleep at all,” she continued. “Because I kept thinking about you. You asshole.”
He found that extraordinarily cheering.
“I couldn’t sleep either,” he said.
“Well, of course not. You lost your assistant. And you had to get your own coffee as a result. Life is truly caving in around you, Isaiah.”
“That isn’t why I couldn’t sleep,” he said. “I talked to my brother last night.”
“Which one?”
“Joshua. Who was not terribly impressed with me, I have to say.”
“Well, I’m not sure who could be terribly impressed with you right at the moment.”
