Dork Diaries Book 6: Tales From a Not-So-Happy Heartbreaker

by Rachel Renée Russell

  NO WAY!!

  Unfortunately, honesty, integrity, and maturity are NOT my strong points.

  So instead, I decided to just fake it by giving them some junk from my locker . . . .

  Of course, they both thought I was nuts. They looked at me and then their surprise, and then at each other, and then back at me, and then at their surprise again, and then at each other.

  Finally Zoey forced a smile and said, “Nikki! Um, thanks. You . . . shouldn’t have!”

  But Chloe was NOT having it. “Yeah, Nikki. She’s right! You really SHOULDN’T have! You’re kidding, right?! Please tell me this isn’t the big surprise you were telling us abo—” That’s when Zoey gave Chloe a swift kick in the shin to shut her up.

  “We totally love our gifts! Right, Chloe?” Zoey said, glaring at Chloe through a fake smile.

  “I’ll love it if it will keep you from KICKING me again!” Chloe grumbled under her breath, still rubbing her shin.

  I plastered a fake smile across my face. “Um, you’re both welcome! ENJOY!”

  And YES! I was a total loser for tricking my friends like that.

  And now I’m feeling REALLY guilty.

  I can’t believe I actually gave my BFFs slightly used TISSUE pack and LIP GLOSS!!

  I mean, WHO does THAT?!

  I’m such a TOTAL LOSER!

  I wouldn’t even want to be FRIENDS with MYSELF SORT OF)

  !

  Unfortunately, my day didn’t get any better.

  Once I got home, there was even more bad news waiting for me.

  Trevor Chase had called and said he needed to reschedule for next month. He’s in the process of producing a te

  FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 7

  I was a little worried when I saw a note from Chloe and Zoey on my locker this morning . . . .

  After giving them those crazy “gifts” yesterday, I figured they had decided that I was WAY too FLAKY to be their friend.

  They were probably mad at me and demanding both an explanation and an apology for my bizarre behavior yesterday.

  And I didn’t blame them one bit. I was still mad at MYSELF for what I did.

  When I got to the janitor’s closet, Chloe and Zoey were already there. But instead of being angry, they were SUPERexcited about something.

  “Guess what, Nikki! Zoey and I decided to do something really fun. It’s kind of a surprise!” Chloe said, giving me jazz hands.

  “Yeah, and we waited so long that we almost missed out!” Zoey giggled.

  “After the tacky surprise I gave you two, I’m almost afraid to see it!” I said, very relieved that they were not going to ditch me as a friend.

  “Okay, now close your eyes!” Chloe said. And then they both shouted . . .

  When I opened my eyes, I was half expecting them to dump a bucket of water on me as a prank to repay me for those tacky gifts.

  Then I noticed they were holding something in their hands . . . .

  TICKETS TO THE

  SWEETHEART DANCE

  !!

  My mouth dropped open. “OMG! Chloe! Zoey! You guys have tickets to the dance?! You BOTH decided to go? I’m SOOO happy for you!” I gushed. “Yesterday I tri and batted her eyes all innocentlike.

  However, deep down I felt a little sad, because I really wanted all of us to go to the dance together. Our romantic dream of going on a triple date would have FINALLY come true!

  But it wasn’t like I was jealous of them or anything. I mean, how juvenile would THAT be?!

  “Wow! YOU actually tried to buy tickets for US?!” Zoey exclaimed. “Well, Nikki . . .”

  OMG! I was SO shocked and surprised when they both handed me my very own tickets to the Sweetheart Dance.

  Chloe had already asked Marcus, and he said YES! And Zoey had already asked Theo, and he said YES!

  So now I just have to get up enough nerve to ask Brandon! And PRAY he hasn’t ALREADY agreed to go with MacKenzie.

  I have to admit, I’ve been giving him a hard time. And every time he tried to explain what happened or apologize, I pretty much shot him down. But it was mostly because I was really frustrated that things weren’t working out the way I had hoped they would.

  So on Monday I plan to make the extra effort to try and patch things up between us.

  The Sweetheart Dance is going to be AWESOME! And Chloe and Zoey are the best friends EVER!

  SQUEEEEEE!!! !!

  I had just gotten home from school when I got another text message from Brandon . . . .

  *****

  FROM BRANDON:

  Busy at Fuzzy Friends bathing a smelly, long-haired dog and thought about you .

  4:57 p.m.

  *****

  Okay, I’m really happy that Brandon was thinking about me and all. But do I really remind him of a smelly, long-haired dog?!!!

  *****

  FROM NIKKI:

  Hi Brandon. Thanks! I think . . .

  4:59 p.m.

  *****

  GRRRRRR!!

  OMG!! Did I just growl like a DOG?!

  I have to admit, Brandon always seems to be superbusy lately.

  If it’s not Fuzzy Friends, it’s the newspaper or some big photography project.

  It’s like he doesn’t have time for me anymore.

  I grabbtarted.

  <

  SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9

  I’m already DREADING school tomorrow.

  Why?

  Because we have a floating skills test in swim class.

  Hey, if a human was meant to float, we’d be made of plastic. And instead of having a belly button we’d have a little nozzle thingy so we could be pumped full of air, just like a tire. I’m just sayin’!

  Whenever I try to swim in the deep end of the pool, I pretty much sink right to the bottom.

  Like a 250-pound rock.

  But that’s not the worst part!

  Do you have any idea of the very gross stuff that’s lying on the bottoms of swimming pools?!

  It’s like an underwater lost-and-found down there . . . .

  ME, LOOKING AT ALL OF THE JUNK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL

  What I really need is a swim class excuse form letter that other kids and I can use to get out of swim class . . . .

  SWIM CLASS EXCUSE FORM LETTER

  FROM: ______________________

  (YOUR NAME)

  TO: ________________________

  (NAME OF SWIM INSTRUCTOR)

  RE: Medical Excuse for Swim Class

  It is with

  great sorrow

  a really bad headache

  food stuck in my teeth

  a funky foot odor

  that I inform you that I am unable to participate in today’s swim class. Last night I discovered that I’m severely allergic to

  my mom’s meat loaf.

  my little brother’s boogers.

  most crawling insects.

  water.

  After swallowing just a tiny amount, I became really

  nervous

  dizzy

  constipated

  confused

  and accidentally fell

  into the bathtub

  down the stairs

  in love

  into a snake pit

  and totally busted my

  liver.

  tailbone.

  nose.

  baby toe.

  Due to the massive trauma I suffered, I suddenly and unexpectedly went into

  a medley of show tunes.

  a closet to hide from the tooth fairy.

  a fit of involuntary hiccuping.

  my sister’s room to yell at her.

  I was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room, where the doctor told me I was lucky to be alive. Apparently, exposure to the high concentration of

  spit

  bacteria

  disease a smelly, long-haired dog” c23

  belly-button lint

  found in pool water could be deadly and cause both a serious infection and a severe
case of

  abnormally hairy legs.

  irritable bowel syndrome.

  compulsive chicken dancing.

  projectile vomiting.

  Of course I am

  totally devastated

  surprised and shocked

  dazed and confused

  completely baffled

  by this awful news. As a health precaution, my doctor has ordered me to avoid pool water for at least the next

  week.

  month.

  year.

  decade.

  MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10

  NOTE TO SELF: THE SWEETHEART DANCE IS IN FOUR DAYS !! ASK BRANDON ASAP!

  Last night I dug around in the garage and found a big box of Brianna’s old water toys that had been put away back when she was a toddler. Hey, I was desperate!

  But the good news is that I found the cutest little float-toy thingy that fit around my waist perfectly. were probably going toon2I was

  As long as I didn’t try to breathe.

  And packed in the same box was a SUPERold swimsuit that belonged to my grandma when she was a little girl.

  I thought I looked pretty cute walking out to the pool for swim class.

  Until Chloe gasped, Zoey covered her eyes, and everyone else stared.

  SIERRA THE SEA HORSE AND I GET READY FOR MY FLOATING SKILLS TEST.

  MacKenzie just looked me up and down like she had never seen a swimsuit with LEGS. Or Sierra, a hot-pink Princess Sugar Plum Baby Sea Horse float toy with purple hearts on it!

  I mean, WHERE has that girl been all of her life?

  Under a ROCK?!!

  Then MacKenzie batted her eyes at me all innocentlike and made a very snarky and insulting comment in front of the entire swim class.

  “Um, excuse me, Nikki. But the class for Water Babies meets tomorrow at four p.m., NOT today.”

  Of course everyone snickered.

  I could NOT believe that girl had the nerve to publicly insinuate that I was a Water Baby!!

  “Gee thanks, MacKenzie, for the info on the other class!” I said really sweetly. “Now why don’t you go and jump into the deep end of the pool, swallow twenty-seven gallons of water, and EXPLODE!”

  And of course my gym teacher didn’t help matters any. She said I couldn’t get into the pool with my sea horse because float toys were NOT allowed.

  But I didn’t see that rule posted on the wall. It only said:

  WCD POOL RULES

  1. NO running!

  2. NO eating!

  3. NO horseplay!

  4. NO peeing in the pool!

  Anyway, I must have had a really big breakfast or something, because when I tried to take it off, that stupid sea horse was STUCK! Even Chloe and Zoey couldn’t pry it off of me . . . .

  CHLOE AND ZOEY, TRYING TO HELP ME GET OUT OF THAT SEA HORSE

  And because I could hardly breathe I started having these really WEIRD hallucinations. I saw myself:

  In bio class sitting next to Brandon while wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.

  Going to the Sweetheart Dance wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.

  Graduating from high school wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.

  Moving into my college dormitory wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.

  Getting married wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.

  And giving birth to my first child wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.

  OMG! It was like I was going to be STUCK wearing that sea horse the rest of MY LIFE!

  That’s when I just totally lost it and started SCREAMING hysterically!

  Or due to a lack of oxygen, maybe I was just HALLUCINATING that I was screaming hysterically. I really couldn’t tell for sure since I was very confused.

  That’s when my gym teacher called the janitor and told him to come ASAP because she had an emergency situation.

  He actually had to cut that sea horse float-toy thingy off of me with these giant metal clippers. Which of course made me supernervous.

  One little accidental SNIP and I could have lost an arm or leg or something.

  Hey, it could happen! I’d ALREADY lost a braid to Brianna just eight days ago.

  Anyway, the good news is that after the janitor finally got that thing off, I started breathing again.

  OMG! I felt SO much better after that sea horse fiasco was over!

  But the surprising thing was that my gym teacher actually gave me a passing score on my floating skills testing for “Good effort!” Mainly because she said she’d had enough DRAMA for one day and DIDN’T want me in the pool endangering MY life, HER life, or the lives of other STUDENTS in the class.

  I was SUPERhappy things turned out so well! !

  Anyway, I still had to figure out how I was going to ask Brandon to the Sweetheart Dance.

  I had no idea how all of the other girls at my school were brave enough to ask their crushes to the dance.

  I guess the major difference is that I’m a spineless coward and just the thought of Brandon possibly saying no totally freaked me out.

  I decided to take the direct approach: Track him down in the newspaper office. And just . . . At="Image"/> ug

  Did I mention the fact that sometimes my BFFs hI just rolled my eyes at that girl.1">TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 11

  NOTE TO SELF: THE SWEETHEART DANCE IS IN THREE DAYS !!

  I just LOATHE shopping for Valentine’s cards with Brianna. It’s the same DRAMA every single year.

  “But I just gotta have the Princess Sugar Plum valteen cards!” Brianna whined.

  Mom had dropped Brianna and me off at the main entrance of the mall while she hunted for a parking space.

  “It’s V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E! Not valteen!” I grumbled.

  “If I don’t get my Princess Sugar Plum cards, I will cry once upon a time in a faraway land, forever and ever, the end!” she whimpered.

  “Well, unless you want me to drop you off at the mall’s lost and found, you’d better NOT cry forever and ever!” I muttered.

  “ACTUALLY, I FOUND THIS LITTLE GIRL THROWING A TANTRUM IN THE MALL . . . .”

  “Anyway, it’s just a silly card that kids in your class will throw away the second they open it! So what’s the big deal?!” I grumped.

  “I want my Princess Sugar Plum valteens! NOW!” Brianna cried.

  We searched for those cruddy Princess Sugar Plum valentines all afternoon. And nine stores, five tantrums, and one migraine headache later, we STILL hadn’t found any. Every single store was sold out!

  At least the mall was prepared for the onslaught. Sales clerks at every store were strategically stationed by their Valentine’s display holding boxes of tissues for the kids who burst into tears once they found out that the Princess Sugar Plum Valentine’s Day cards were all sold out.

  It was totally disgusting how most of the stores had taken complete advantage of the situation and set up huge displays with other Princess Sugar Plum products . . . .

  It was quite obvious they were hoping the traumatized little brats would buy an assortment of the forty-nine other Princess Sugar Plum products instead.

  There was Princess Sugar Plum bubble bath, body lotion, shampoo, toothpaste, vitamins, Band-Aids, candy, pretend glitter makeup, bubble gum, cereal, breakfast bars, peanut butter, dolls, board games, fashions, dog food, etc.

  Basically, you name it, they had it.

  Somewhere on a remote island there’s probably a secret factory where fat little purple elves with pointy little shoes, sugar plum hair, and creepy, beady little eyes crank out Princess Sugar Plum junk twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Kind of like that Willie Wonka guy and his chocolate factory.

  Of course, when Brianna didn’t find the Princess Sugar Plum valentines, she quickly morphed into a wailing, slobbering, snot-nosed wreck.

  But what I couldn’t figure out was how the sales clerks could be so calm and peaceful in the midst of total c talent show.

  There were little girls crying, screaming, yelling, screec
hing, shrieking, and squealing everywhere.

  How could they just stand there smiling calmly through all of that high-pitched, eardrum-shattering noise while a couple hundred five-year-olds threw simultaneous tantrums?

  I was impressed.

  Until I saw their secret weapon.

  EARPLUGS!!!

  Yes!

  The clerks were all wearing earplugs to protect their hearing AND their sanity!!

  Anyway, Mom and I were exhausted from shopping, and Brianna was an emotional basket case.

  In the car on the way home I came up with a BRILLIANT idea!

  “Brianna, what do you think about me making your Princess Sugar Plum valentines instead? I’m a pretty decent artist, and I’m sure you’d love ’em.”

  Brianna immediately stopped crying and looked at me suspiciously, like I was trying to sell her some swampland in Florida—really cheap!

  “But if YOU make them, they won’t be REAL Princess Sugar Plum valteen cards!” she sulked.

  That’s when Mom winked at me. “Brianna, dear, I have a wonderful idea! How about while Nikki is making your cards, you can eat a big, yummy bowl of Princess Sugar Plum cereal for dinner?!”

  Brianna’s eyes lit up. “Princess Sugar Plum cereal! FOR DINNER?! THAT would be FUN!” She giggled.

  But suddenly Brianna’s mood darkened and she started to pout again.

  “But, Moooom! I just ate the last booowl of Princess Sugar Plum cereal this morning. And we don’t have any more miiiilk,” she cried pitifully.

  Mom quickly spun the car around by doing a U-turn right in the middle of the street as I held on for dear life. SCREEEEECH!! (That was our tires!)

  “Then we’ll just stop at the grocery store and you and Nikki can run in and get some cereal and milk! How does that sound?” Mom asked cheerfully.

  “Well . . . okay, I g-guess.” Brianna sniffed glumly.

  Once we were inside the store, I held Brianna’s hand so she wouldn’t wander off or get into any trouble. Then we headed for the cereal aisle.

  “Hmmm! Let’s see . . .,” I muttered to myself as I tapped my chin. “Princess Sugar Plum cereal with tooty-fruity marshmallows, Princess Sugar Plum cereal with princess fairy dust, Princess Sugar Plum cereal with glitter sprinkles, and finally, Princess Sugar Plum cereal with a free mini glow-in-the-dark tiara . . . ”