He deserves so much better than what I’ve become and I’m terrified of the way he’ll react if he ever finds out who I am. That I was the girl he slammed against the door and fucked hard until my legs gave out.
What if he hates that he took me home with him?
What if he hates himself for having sex with the girl he used to protect?
And worst of all, what if he hates the person I’ve become and wants nothing to do with me?
Jax hating me is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me.
My thoughts have me panicking, so I reach in my pocket for another pill and wash it down with the shot of whiskey in front of me. Doesn’t matter how many pills I’ve popped over the last few days, because nothing seems to be working other than passing out, which unfortunately, I can’t do right now.
Closing my eyes, I take a few deep breaths, trying to gain control of my thoughts, but they’re going haywire.
Images of Jax slamming me against the door keep overriding everything else, stirring up my emotions all over again.
His hard, muscled body thrusting me up the polished wood. His perfect teeth digging into my lips as he growled out his need for me.
The way it felt when he first slammed into me, his thickness filling me to the max.
Jax Kade was inside of me and I’ll never be able to erase those memories, no matter how hard I try. No amount of drugs or alcohol will ever be enough to make me forget him. I know this because I’ve tried everything in my power to.
If I care about him as much as I used to I’ll stay out of his life before my depression and sick habits drag him down with me.
I’m just not sure I can stay away, though. I’ve never been able to, even when I knew my father would beat me for sneaking out to see him. And he beat me good and hard, making me bleed at times from the blow of his belt.
I don’t know what makes me think I can do it now.
But for him . . . I’ll try, because he means more to me than anything in this entire world.
Beautiful Jax . . . the name still suits him after all these years, except now he’s a beautiful savage.
Pouring myself another shot, I swallow it back and set the empty glass down in front of me. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I don’t know how I’m going to go on when everything inside me hurts.
And it’s not the same deep ache I’ve been feeling over the last thirteen years. It’s so much more now; now that I’ve had him in a way I never had before. It’s that feeling of everything inside of me being crushed over and over again until there’s nothing left of me.
I know where Jax is. I know where he works, where he lives, yet I can’t go to him. Talk about dying a slow and painful death.
Grabbing a towel, I distract myself by cleaning up, but a couple customers causing a scene has me cussing under my breath, and hoping I don’t have to call the cops to force them to stop fighting.
I’m in no condition to deal with the law right now, so I ignore it and hope it fixes itself. It usually does.
“Right here, babe.” When I look over Jim is holding up his empty glass. He’s been here since before shift change and I don’t like the way he’s been looking at me since I walked behind the bar. “One more and I’ll take the bill.”
I nod and grab a new glass, filling it with his choice of beer, before quickly dropping it off and printing out his tab.
When I give it to him, he touches my arm in a way that has me feeling sick to my stomach. I know that touch and what it means, because I’ve felt it from many guys before.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I grind out, yanking my arm from his reach. “Keep your hands on that beer where they belong.”
“My bad,” he mutters, bringing the glass to his lips. “You shouldn’t look so sexy if you don’t want me to notice, bitch.”
I bite my tongue and walk away, wanting to make it through this shitty night the best I can.
I really need some air right about now. Releasing a frustrated breath, I reach into my purse for a joint and step out from behind the bar. When I look toward the exit, I notice it’s crowded with people stepping outside.
“What the hell is going on?”
I look around, trying to figure out what the deal is, and that’s when my eyes land on an angry Jax, standing in the middle of the room. He looks on edge as his eyes scan behind the bar until they finally set on me.
I can’t breathe and my chest feels as if it’s going to explode from the pressure of emotions bursting inside me.
With each step he takes toward me, my heart beats faster and faster until the only thing I can focus on is the pounding of my heart.
Why is Jax here and why must he be so painfully beautiful? I can’t take it.
His gaze stays locked on mine as he continues to come toward me, and I know from the hurt look in his eyes that he’s figured out who I am.
I don’t know when or how, but he did, and the knowledge of that has me fighting to breathe.
The screeching of the stool beside me, moving across the floor as Jim stands up to leave, isn’t even enough to have Jax and me looking away from each other. It’s not until Jim opens his mouth to say something stupid that Jax brings his attention to him.
“Here’s your tip, you dumb bitch. Not that you deserve one.”
“You want to repeat what the fuck you just said?” Jax stops and cracks his neck once he’s standing right behind Jim.
The sound of Jax’s intimidating voice has Jim spinning around to look at him. The lethal look in Jax’s eyes as he stares him down almost has me worried for Jim’s safety, and that’s saying something, because I hate that piece of shit. But anyone who has the pleasure of pissing Jax off is one unlucky bastard.
I’ve witnessed his wrath a few times already and it isn’t pretty.
“I called her a dumb bitch for talking to me as if she’s b–”
Before Jim can finish his sentence, Jax is in his face, pressing a knife to his throat. “Finish that sentence and it’ll be the last thing that ever leaves your mouth.”
“Oh shit . . . take it easy,” Jim mutters, his eyes pleading with Jax not to cut him. “I’ll leave. I’ll go right now. It’s just drunk talk. That’s it. It didn’t mean shit.”
“Good fucking plan,” Jax says on a growl, giving him a shove so he’s up on his feet. “Learn some manners when speaking to women.”
Jim nods and scrambles to grab his wallet, before rushing toward the door.
As soon as he’s out of sight, Jax’s attention suffocates me again, his eyes taking me in as if he can’t stop looking at me. “We need to fucking talk.”
The moment Jax pulls off his leather jacket, revealing the two pistols in his shoulder holster, I’m completely done for.
Holy hell, he makes that holster look sexy.
As much as I know I shouldn’t want to see him, the sight of him has everything inside of me coming alive just like when we were kids.
He’s always been able to make me feel so many things, and the fact that all these years haven’t changed that is terrifying.
It’s terrifying because I know losing him again will hurt just as much as the first time, if not more, and I barely survived it back then.
I want to go to him. I want to run into his arms and hope like hell that he still wants me there, but I fight the urge as he turns around toward the exit.
“Everyone out!” he yells, his voice deep and intimidating, getting the attention of everyone still left inside. “Now!”
From the way the rest of the room rushes to do what he says, I’m guessing they notice the guns strapped to him. They’re hard to miss.
“What are you doing here?” I question once he turns back around. “How did you find me?” My voice cracks as he comes toward me, but I manage to get the words out.
He ignores my questions, his jaw flexing as he backs me against the wall and places his hands on my face. “Did you really think you could hide from me, Lex?”
I swallow, unable to
get any words out as he bows his head to look down at me.
“Did you?” he questions, firmer this time. “Fucking answer me.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. My answer has him moving his arms around to cage me in. It’s as if he’s showing me that there’s no escaping this time. “I didn’t think you’d find out who I was or even care.”
He lets out an angry growl, before reaching into his jacket and pulling something out. “You dropped this on my porch when running from me.” His eyes stay on me, watching as I grab the plastic from his hand and look down at it. I hadn’t even realized my license was missing. “Thirteen fucking years I’ve waited to have you here in front of me and all you can do is run from me?”
The sound of hurt and betrayal in Jax’s voice has me wanting to lose it. “I can’t do this, Jax.” I attempt to push him away from me, needing some space to breathe, but he doesn’t budge. He just moves in closer, until there’s no space between us. “Jax, move. Now. I mean it.”
“No,” he growls. “I’m not moving so you can run again, dammit.”
“Fine.” I push his chest again and grunt. “I’ll move you my damn self then.” I continue to push at his hard chest, but he refuses to budge. Frustration takes over that he won’t let me go. “Fuck you!” I scream, my emotions getting the best of me. “Get the hell out of my way and let me leave.”
His eyes soften as he looks down at the emotional wreck in front of him and I expect him to move so I can walk away, but he surprises me by pulling me into his arms.
He holds me tight. Tighter than he ever has before, and I find myself falling into him, wanting the comfort and safety he’s always provided.
“I’m not going anywhere without you,” he whispers into my hair. “Either you’re coming home with me or I’m following you home. Which is it?”
I can’t breathe in his arms, because every emotion I’ve been fighting to keep in over the last thirteen years comes rushing out, and I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack.
“Neither, Jax.” I shove his arm out of my way and attempt to walk away, but he pulls me back to him, pressing his hard body against mine again.
“Which is it?” he growls against my lips. “I’ll make the decision if I have to, Lex.”
The fierceness and determination in his eyes tells me he’s not letting me go without a fight, so I make the better decision of the two. The one that will still allow me an escape if needed. I’m not ready for him to know where I live. “I’ll go with you.”
“Good.” He nods, his gaze lowering to my lips. The way he licks his bottom one while looking at mine has my insides heating up with need. “I’ll call Mark to make sure this place gets locked up for the night, because you won’t be coming back.”
Clearly, this man is nothing like the Jax I remember, and I have a feeling that’s going to make it even harder to stay away . . .
THE ONLY THING I CAN think about at this very moment is how it would feel to taste her lips, knowing that it’s her this time. It’s damn hard not to lean in and pull her bottom lip between my teeth to find out.
“You don’t need to call your cop friend. I think I can handle locking up for the night. I’ve done it plenty of times without any help, Jax.”
The sound of my name leaving her lips makes my heart speed up just like every other time she’s said it since I walked through that door looking for her.
It’s been so long since hearing it come from her. She was the first one to ever call me Jax and the only one for the longest time.
Until Royal came along.
“Yeah . . .” I pull my gaze away from her lips, needing to get her out of here as quickly as possible before she changes her mind and decides to fight me on leaving again. “But with all the unpaid drinks you’re leaving behind, I think it’s best if Mark deals with the owner. Let’s go.”
She doesn’t look pleased, but reaches for her purse and heads toward the door anyway. “Looks like the bossy part of your nickname still applies. Let’s go then, bossy bartender.”
My lips curve into a small smile at her sassiness. It still makes me want to exhaust her body; except more now that I know it’s her.
It may be wrong for me to still want her sexually, knowing she’s Lex, but the savage in me wants to make it so that I’ll be the only one to ever be inside her again. It should’ve only been me to begin with, and would’ve been had she not been ripped from me.
I adjust my erection and exit the door before she can get too far out of sight. Once outside I send a quick text to Mark asking him to take care of this place.
When I look up from my phone, Alexandra is standing in front of a little black car, watching me, while smoking a joint.
She never used to get high when we were kids, but we’re both different people now, grown up, and I’m dead set on finding out who she is after all these years; even though she seems determined not to give me that option.
Looks like I’ll have to take it.
Shoving my phone into my pocket, I walk up to her and grab the joint from her hand as she goes to take another hit.
She gets ready to say something, but me moving in close and studying her lips as I bring the weed to mine has her watching me in silence.
After a few seconds her gaze moves from my mouth to roam over the rest of me. My dark wild hair, beard and tattoos. I know she’s taking them all in, trying to figure out how I’ve changed so much since the last time we saw each other. I look savage and wild. Dangerous to most. I know that.
It’s amazing what years of struggle can do to a boy when the one person he can’t live without is no longer around to keep him level.
“We’ll take my bike and come back for whoever’s car this is tomorrow,” I state, blowing the smoke up into the air, before looking back down at her.
With her eyebrows scrunched together, she takes the joint back from me and laughs. “Tomorrow? No one said we’ll be together tomorrow. I only said I’d leave with you. That’s it.”
I tilt my head down and move in so that when I speak, it’ll be against her lips. “I did.”
She swallows and takes a quick breath, before stepping back. “I’ll follow you in Tessa’s car and I’ll leave when I want.”
Her fighting me has frustration kicking in. “I haven’t set eyes on you in too fucking long, Lex. The least you can do after asking me to fuck you and running off when you realized it was me is to give me tonight.”
She doesn’t say anything for several seconds, and I can’t help but to wonder if she’s thinking about how good that night felt just as I am.
“Fine.” She snatches the joint from me, takes one last hit, and tosses it on the blacktop. “But I don’t want to talk about the past. I can’t.”
“We don’t have to talk about shit tonight as long as you’re with me.”
“Okay,” she whispers, nodding her head. “I think I can handle that.”
When we get across the parking lot to my bike, she runs her hand over the scratches in the side from when I kicked my bike over.
“What happened?” She questions, worry in her tone. “Were you in a wreck?”
I shake my head and straddle my bike, before kicking the stand up. “Nope. You happened when you ran off on me.”
She doesn’t say anything, but I can see the guilt in her eyes, before she turns away and climbs on behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist.
It feels good having her wrapped around me on the back of my bike. Feels natural, like she was meant to be there all along. I could get used to this feeling. Which is going to make it even harder that she’s set on pushing me away.
I’m careful when pulling out of the parking lot this time, taking it slow back to my place, wanting to keep her safe since I left my helmet at home this morning.
Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting to have her on the back of my bike again for a long time. I was almost starting to believe that she left town again.
We pull up outside of my place, and although Alexandra is tak
ing her time getting off my bike, probably not wanting me to notice, I do.
For a moment, it felt as if she didn’t want to let go of me. I could be wrong about that, but I’m choosing to believe otherwise.
“You do realize I can handle that place, right?”
I flex my jaw and turn around to face her. “That’s not the point,” I say, before walking away.
She quickly follows through the grass behind me, stopping once we reach the porch. “Then tell me what it is then.”
I ignore her long enough to shove my key into the lock and push the door open. “You shouldn’t have to handle a place like that, Lex, and I don’t want you dealing with the assholes that drink there.”
She pushes past me and walks inside, before she tosses her purse down on the couch and angrily turns around to face me when I close the door behind me. “You have no idea about the shit I’ve had to deal with over the years, Jax. I’ve been taking care of myself since I was sixteen.”
“Is that when you got away from your shit father?”
The mention of her father has her reaching over to the coffee table for the bottle of whiskey I left there last night. She unscrews the cap and brings it to her lips before speaking. “Seventeen. I left when I was seventeen, but that asshole finally left me alone when I turned sixteen.” She tilts the bottle back and takes a long drink. “I haven’t seen or spoken to him since.”
I walk over and grab the bottle from her, needing a drink my damn self. That was three more years that she had to deal with her asshole father mistreating her and I wasn’t there to stop it. Had they not moved away, I could’ve put a stop to it sooner.
I might’ve been too young and too small when I first attempted to save her with my bat, but I would’ve kept trying until I could get him to stop.
Closing my eyes, I tilt the bottle back, taking a long drink.
I have a feeling we’re going to need a second one to make it through the night now that her piece of shit father is in the back of our minds.
“Let’s go out back and get some air.” Before she has time to argue, I take off through the kitchen and snatch up a second bottle, before making my way outside.
Beautiful Savage (Savage & Ink Book 2) Page 10
