I pull up the only two chairs I own at the moment and take a seat in one, before setting the bottles down and running my hands through my hair.
The last thing I want to do is be a dick to Alexandra and tell her what to do, but being firm with her might be the only way to keep her here longer.
She’s hiding from me.
A few minutes later, I look up at the sound of Alexandra opening and shutting the door.
Her eyes are laced with guilt as they meet mine momentarily. Almost as if she’s done something she’s not proud of and is too ashamed to look at me. It has my stomach twisting into knots.
“Everything good?” I question warily as she takes a seat in the chair beside me and reaches for the second bottle.
“Yup. Good. Everything is good.”
“Don’t lie to me, Lex. You never did in the past, so I don’t know why you’d start now.”
“Jax, don’t,” she says sternly. “I said everything is good and I meant it. I’ve had a long night and I’m just tired.”
“Okay, sorry.” I run a hand through my hair, looking at her as she takes a sip from the bottle. “You know it’s always been natural for me to worry about you.”
“I know,” she says quietly. “But can we just sit here and look at the stars? I just need to relax and clear my head.”
I nod and sit back, getting as comfortable as I can.
We sit here for a while, not saying anything at all. It reminds me of old times when all we needed was to be together. There were times when we sat in silence for hours, feeling happy and at peace knowing that we were together.
This almost feels like that, except there’s so much to be said it has my chest aching each time I look her way, but I won’t push her tonight. She’s here with me and that’s enough . . . for now.
The vibration of my phone breaks the silence, and as late as it is, I know without looking who it is.
“Everything good, Blaine?”
“For now, Man.” His voice comes through tired and stressed. “Just leaving your mom’s. Her place is a disaster and there’s barely any food in the fridge. Want me to run to the store?”
“Goddammit,” I growl, running my hand over my face in frustration. “It’s only been a few days since I was there. I stocked her fridge and cleaned up. Was anyone there with her?”
“She was alone and passed out on the couch. I didn’t find any needles or pills, just weed and alcohol. Your mom must be throwing some wild parties or some shit.”
“I’ll go in the morning and take care of things. Thanks for checking on her, Man. Appreciate it.”
“Anytime, Brother. Talk later.”
I toss my phone down in anger, cussing under my breath. My mom has managed to stay clean for six years now. She was doing great until about two months ago.
As far as I know she’s just been partying and drinking herself to sleep each night, but there’s that part of me that worries she’s using again.
“Your mom?” Alexandra questions.
I nod and tug on my hair, fighting to keep my cool. “She’s still a mess, except now she’s out partying, stressing me the fuck out.”
“Some people will always need saving,” she says on almost a whisper. “I’ve seen a lot of messed up people over the last few weeks at the bar. Makes me wonder if she was one of them.”
My heart stops at the mention of three weeks. I hadn’t even stopped to think of how long she’s possibly been back. “How long?” I question.
She takes another sip, before turning back to face me. “I just told you how long.”
“No.” I shake my head and grab the bottle from her. “How long have you been back in town?”
“Almost a month. Does it really matter?”
“Fuck yes it does.” I pause to gather my shit and keep cool. “And did you know?” I ask stiffly.
She looks me over before finally answering. “I thought you were gone, Jax. I drove by your old house and it was empty. You look nothing like when we were kids, so no . . . the answer is no.”
My heart speeds up as I ask the next question. “Were you planning to ever look for me?”
My heart sinks when she shakes her head and stands up. “I need some sleep. I can’t do this anymore tonight.”
I sit here, my chest aching as I watch her walk to the door and disappear inside. There’s no way in hell I wouldn’t have looked for her if I had known she was back in town. Hearing that she never planned to find me feels like I’ve been stabbed through the heart.
Angry, I make my way to the door and shove it open, before quickly grabbing her arm before she can try and run from me again. “Why the fuck not, Lex?”
“Let go, Jax!” She yanks her arm from my hold. “What is this, Jax? Why did you bring me here? You want to sit and talk about feelings like when we were kids? You want to hear about all the fucked-up shit I’ve been through over the years or how damaged I am? Is that it?”
“Is that how you see yourself?” I question, angrily, before moving around to stop her from walking away. “Fucking damaged? You’ve been through some messed up shit, but you are not damaged. Never were and never will be. Got it?”
“You don’t know that, Jax. You don’t know shit now.”
I move in close and cup her face, looking down at her. “I do.”
“What are you doing?” she questions quietly.
“Wondering what it would feel like to kiss you knowing that it’s you.”
Her gaze lowers to my lips as if she might be wondering the same thing. “Don’t, Jax.” She shakes her head, but before she can back away, I hold her in place and slam my lips against hers.
My body instantly reacts to the taste and feel of her lips, my heart skipping a beat when she kisses me back.
Fuck, this feels so much better knowing it’s her.
Our kiss becomes deeper, more urgent as I back her against the wall and grab her thighs, lifting her up my body.
She moans against my lips and digs her fingers into my arm when I move my hips up, pressing my hardened cock between her legs.
I want and need her to feel that she’s mine and always has been.
“I want you, Lex.” I growl against her lips, before roughly sucking the bottom one into my mouth. I feel like a fucking wild animal right now, unable to control my need to take her again.
She gasps and slams her head against the wall when I bite her neck and roughly thrust her up it with my erection.
I’m just about to reach between us to undo her jeans when she places her hands on my chest and pushes me until I set her back down on her feet.
“Dammit, Jax,” she says, fighting to even out her breathing. “I’m too drunk to resist you right now. So please . . . just please, don’t.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and run my hands down my face, pissed at myself for kissing her after we’ve both been drinking. I’m not thinking clearly, because the only thing I want is her here with me.
My tolerance is pretty high, but I didn’t stop to think about her, because I can’t control myself when it comes to her. All I wanted was to kiss her as Jax and Lex. Not two strangers trying to get off.
“You can sleep in my bed.” I turn to look at her just in time to see her grip the wall for support. “Whoa. Let’s get you off your feet for the night.”
She nods and puts her hands up to tell me she can do it on her own. “I’m fine. It’s not something I don’t handle myself all the time. I’ll walk home. You don’t need to take care of me like when we were kids.”
“Yeah, well you’re not by yourself right now and you’re not leaving.” Grunting, I pick her up and throw her over my shoulder, showing her where the hell she belongs tonight. “I’ll take you to bed my damn self then.”
“What the hell?” She yells at me as I toss her down on my bed and walk to the door.
“You’re staying the night, Lex.”
She looks like she wants to say something, but chooses to throw my pillow at me and grunt instead.
<
br /> “Thanks, but you’ll be needing this.” I toss it back to her and walk out, shutting the door behind me.
Dammit, fighting with her makes me want to fuck her at the same time.
She may be different now, but the old Lex is in there, hiding from me, and I’m going to change that . . .
TRUTH IS, I LIED ABOUT being drunk because it was the only thing I could think of at the time to get Jax’s lips away from mine, before I could feel too much.
Feeling too much for Jax will only make it harder to protect him in the end, and with the way it felt to kiss his lips, knowing it was him this time, made me want to cling to the feeling for dear life and never let go.
It made me want to forget about all my problems as if they don’t exist. My depression. My addiction. And most of all, the scars I carry deep within my soul.
I’ve carried them too long to know better than that. There is no escaping the bad shit I’ve been through and the permanent damage left behind from them.
As I lie here in Jax’s bed, the urge to pop a handful of pills to pass out so I don’t have to feel anything is just as strong as it was before Jax walked back into my life.
The damage has already been done and he’ll never believe I can’t be saved. I know him well enough to know that.
“Fucking, shit. I can’t. I can’t.” I sit up and look around the dark room, wondering if he has any sleeping pills lying around.
I can’t stay here without wanting to go to Jax, knowing that he’s less than twenty feet away, wanting me just as bad as I want him.
Being careful to stay quiet, I reach into his bedside table and feel around for any bottles. I move a bunch of papers and condom wrappers around, but don’t find what I’m looking for.
“Shit!” I grip my hair and lean my head against the headboard. I left my purse in the kitchen, and getting to it and the few pills I have inside means seeing Jax again. I can’t do that right now.
I just can’t.
I lay here for a while, maybe an hour, maybe two. I can’t be too sure. I’m wide awake, unable to force myself to sleep and it’s becoming more painful with each minute that passes.
I have two options: take the chance that Jax has already fallen asleep and go grab my purse or I continue to lay here with a million thoughts racing through my head.
I haven’t heard any noise come from outside the room since Jax shut the door behind him. Maybe that means he fell asleep right away.
Taking my chances, I crawl out of his bed and slowly open the door and step out into the darkness of the living room.
I almost make it to the kitchen when I make the mistake of looking at the couch to see Jax sitting in the dark, his tattooed hands in his hair. He looks restless and on edge, the muscles in his back and arms flexed.
“Couldn’t sleep?” he questions, his voice coming out huskily.
I swallow and shake my head when he looks up. “Not really.”
He stands and comes at me, my breath rushing out when he stops right in front of me and looks me over with heated eyes. “I’ll get you some water.”
I watch as he walks past me to the cupboard and grabs a cup down, before making his way to the fridge to fill it.
“Thanks,” I whisper when he hands it to me. “I take it you couldn’t sleep either?”
“I’ve got too much shit on my mind to worry about sleep.” He gives me a quick glance, before grabbing himself some water and quickly downing it. “You know me . . . I’ve never been much for sleep.”
“True. How could I forget?” A small smile takes over at the memory of Jax staying close by my window sometimes for hours after I’d fallen asleep. I still remember the first time I woke up in the middle of the night to peek outside and find him watching the house as if waiting for something to happen.
Nothing made me feel safer than knowing he was right outside my window.
“I can help you fall asleep if you’d like.”
His offer has me squeezing the glass in my hand, remembering all the nights I fell asleep in his arms. As soon as he would pull me in close and my head hit his chest, I’d be out within seconds.
Those were the most peaceful sleeps I ever had.
But things have changed. Shit isn’t as easy as it used to be. I was a scared little girl, hiding from the big bad monster, before the monster became me.
“I’m a big girl now, Jax. I don’t think you holding me will put me to sleep like when we were kids.” I grab my purse. “Goodnight.”
He grips the edge of the sink and nods. “Goodnight.”
I quickly disappear into his room and shut the door behind me, my breathing heavy, my heart racing.
After all these years, falling asleep in the comfort of Jax’s arms still sounds as good as it used to.
It’s that thought that has me digging through my purse and swallowing back the few pills left inside.
Setting the empty cup down on the bedside table, I crawl back into his bed, trying my best not to notice the scent of him covering the pillows and blanket.
Before long, I’ll be passed out with no worries eating away at me. I won’t feel shit, and with Jax being close by, that’s what I need.
All I want to do is forget. Forget that he’s back in my life, and most of all . . . forget that I need him just as much as I used to.
IT’S BARELY PAST SEVEN A.M. and I’ve already been awake for almost an hour, unable to force myself to sleep any longer.
Hell . . . I don’t think I slept more than two hours due to Alexandra consuming my thoughts last night. I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to keep my ass on the couch and not jump into my bed with her.
“Shit. This is going to be a rough day.”
Grabbing the remote, I turn the TV to one of Alexandra’s favorite channels before making my way to the bathroom to shower and clear my head.
It’s not working, because I’m standing here under the steaming hot water, unable to keep my damn cock down. All I can think about is how good it felt to be inside Lex, making her scream for me that night.
There’s so many other things I could’ve done for her; other ways I could’ve pleased her unlike any other man has before, but I didn’t because I didn’t know it was her.
“Shit!” I slap the wall and bow my head, allowing the hot water to run down my tense muscles, hoping to relax and get through this shower without storming out of here naked to show her all the things I didn’t that night.
I need to stop picturing all the ways I could fuck her again and focus on the shit I can do to get her to open up to me and let me back in, instead. That’s what’s most important, but it doesn’t mean fucking her again wouldn’t help to get her where I want her.
But that shit ain’t happening right now since she’s sleeping, and I need to take care of my dick before I lay eyes on her again. If I walk into the bedroom with my dick hard and throbbing I can’t promise it won’t end up between her legs.
Grabbing my length, I run my hand over it and growl out, imagining it were her tight little pussy.
Images of her naked body on top of mine, her screaming above me, has me busting my load in the shower quicker than normal.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
I place my hands against the wall and focus on steadying my breathing for a few moments, before I finish showering and make my way to the laundry room to find some clean clothes.
After throwing on a pair of old jeans and a black t-shirt, I quietly push the bedroom door open and peek in at Alexandra to see if she’s awake yet. The sight of her sound asleep in my bed has my chest aching with the need to crawl in beside her and hold her in my arms.
It’s insane how quickly my thoughts of her can change from sexual to emotional, but that’s what she does to me.
Steeling my jaw, I close the door and walk away before I change my mind and end up in bed with her. What I need to do is take this time that she’s asleep and take care of someone else important to me.
I just hope like hell tha
t I can get back before she wakes up and decides to take off without a trace. I don’t intend to keep her a prisoner at my place, though, so if she does wake up and see that the TV is on for her, hopefully it will be enough to comfort her so she stays and waits for me.
Gathering my thoughts and preparing for what I have to go do, I slip on my leather jacket, before grabbing my backpack and the keys to my bike. I quietly make my way out the front door, locking it behind me.
Less than an hour later I’m sitting out front of my mother’s place staring at the big brown house I pay rent for. It’s nice and comfortable in a safe neighborhood; completely the opposite of where I live and where I grew up at. I didn’t care about the cost when I found this place, I just wanted her to stay clean and away from temptation, but she ended up turning this place into a shithole with her constant partying.
I quickly run my hands over my face, before grabbing the strap of my backpack and letting myself into the house.
The disaster I see when walking inside is nothing outside the norm, but it still has anger coursing through me, hating that this is who she chooses to be.
My mother is still passed out on the couch where Blaine left her and the place is littered with dirty dishes, clothes, beer bottles, and whatever the hell else you can think of.
It’s a pigsty and smells of spoiled food and beer.
I’m going to have to pull up this carpet and replace it with hardwood floors, because I’m tired as shit of scrubbing and shampooing them just for her to ruin them repeatedly.
I walk to the kitchen and throw my backpack on the counter, before going to check on my mother to make sure she’s still breathing. Thankfully, it looks like Blaine made sure she was left on her side so she wouldn’t choke on her own vomit again.
Crouching down in front of her, I place my hand to her forehead and look down at her. She’s warm and I can hear her breathing, so I leave her be to sleep her night off.
After putting away the groceries, I spend the next hour or so cleaning up her mess and doing a quick load of laundry. As long as the clothes make it to the dryer she’ll be good to go for a few days. That’s part of the responsibility of taking care of her, because she sure as hell doesn’t care if she has clean clothes or not.
Beautiful Savage (Savage & Ink Book 2) Page 11
