Anger takes over from my thoughts of needing to get to her. I swipe my arm across the bar, sending everything in my path down to the ground at my feet.
She may be afraid to admit it, but she still needs me just as much as I need her, and I’m going to show her that.
Standing up, I reach for my leather jacket and slip it on, before walking over to the jukebox to unplug it. Once I’m surrounded by nothing but silence, I pound my fist into the side of the jukebox, letting more of my anger and frustration out. I feel like my emotions are swallowing me whole, and I’m unsure of how much more I can take before I suffocate.
For a few moments I gather my thoughts, before turning off the lights and stepping outside, locking up behind me. I immediately reach for a cigarette and light it, my hands still shaking from my emotions getting the best of me. I look straight ahead and see my truck parked in front of me, Alexandra leaning against the side.
My heart skips a beat at the sight of her standing there in a loose fitting black shirt and a pair of white skinny jeans all ripped up.
What gets me even more is noticing the shirt she’s wearing is mine. It’s the one I sent her home in the night we fucked, and seeing her in it now has my mind going wild with memories of that night.
“Here’s your truck. I figured you’d be worried about it and want it back.” She pushes away from my truck and takes a step toward me. “I didn’t want to leave the keys inside it in this shitty neighborhood.”
She looks torn, as if she wants to stay but feels like she needs to run again, and the only thing I can think of is what I can do to stop her.
“I don’t give a shit about my truck, Lex. It’s the girl that took it that I was worried about.” I take one last drag off my cigarette, before flicking it across the parking lot and making my way to Alexandra.
Once standing in front of her, I grab the back of her neck and move in close, speaking against her lips. “Get in,” I demand. “There’s somewhere I want to take you.”
She shakes her head and takes a step back, as if my closeness is too much for her. “That’s not a good idea, Jax. I should go. I shouldn’t have taken your truck to begin with.”
I barely give her a chance to turn away from me before I’m wrapping my arm around her waist, closing the distance between us. “I said get in, Lex. Now.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, Jax. That’s the last thing I need.” She places her hands on my chest and pushes me away, giving her enough space to walk away from me. “I’m going home. Don’t follow me either.”
“The fuck you are.” Before she gets too far, I scoop her up and throw her over my shoulder. This woman is insane if she thinks I’m letting her walk away from me. “I’m taking you there whether you like it or not.”
“Fuck off, Jax!” She pushes and slaps at my back when I open the truck door. “Put me down. Now.”
Aggravated, I throw her into the truck and slam the door shut behind her. She goes to push the door open, but I slam it shut again. “Don’t fight me on this, because I’ll spend all night chasing you down.”
“You’re an asshole,” she says, moments later, most likely realizing she’s in a losing battle. “But I guess you already know that.”
I point at the door. “Don’t move.”
She narrows her eyes, most likely wanting to kill me for demanding her to stay. I just hope like hell she listens this time, because it sure as hell didn’t work when I told her the same thing inside the bar. She made it a mission to do the exact opposite.
Before she has the bright idea of sliding into the driver seat and driving off, I hurry to the other side and jump in, reaching my hand out. “Keys.”
Her eyes raise to meet mine and she hesitates for a brief moment before tossing the keys at me. “Where are you taking me?”
“You’ll see when we get there.” I pull out of the parking lot and head toward the one place I haven’t been to in over twelve years.
For the first year she was gone I went there almost every night hoping she’d show up and prove she wasn’t really gone. That she just moved into a new house in a different neighborhood and needed time to find her way back to me. I was a stupid kid hoping and wishing for the impossible.
“Job searching is exhausting, by the way,” she says after a few minutes of driving. “I’ve been looking for a new one, since someone had to go and get me fired.”
“Yeah, well I did everyone there a favor. Trust me,” I say stiffly, gripping the wheel tighter as we get closer to the spot.
She has no fucking idea the things I’d do to someone that hurt her. She hasn’t witnessed half of what I’m capable of when it comes to protecting her.
“How is that, Jax?” she asks angrily, not bothering to pay attention to where I’m taking her. “I was pretty damn good at serving drinks and I was doing just fine until you showed up and dragged me out of there.”
“Is that right?” Once the old path comes into view, I turn down it and park, killing the engine. “You were just fine when some piece of shit groped you? What the hell, Lex? What if he would’ve hurt you for hitting him? You think one of the lowlifes that hang out there would’ve risked their safety to protect you?”
She looks surprised that I know about what happened with that fucker. “How did you–”
“Because I broke that motherfucker’s nose for placing his hands on you. He was quick to brag about it. He’s lucky I didn’t do worse. Stop pretending you were okay being at that place.”
I can feel her hate and anger as her icy eyes look me over from the passenger seat. It’s been a long time since someone else has looked out for her, so I don’t blame her for looking like she wants to reach across the truck and slap me across the face for thinking I have the right to after all this time.
“Fuck you,” she spits. “I can take care of myself now, Jax. I went almost thirteen years without anyone there to look out for me. I don’t need someone to start now. Not even you. I’m not that weak little girl you used to know and I never plan to be again. You have no idea what I’ve been through. The hell I survived without you, Jax. The pain . . .”
“Then tell me what you went through,” I bark out, gripping the steering wheel to keep from punching it. “Let me fucking be there for you, Lex. Let me back in, so I can carry some of that pain for you. I want to be that for you. I used to be . . .”
“I’m not the same little girl that used to be able to make you smile, Jax. She’s dead.” Giving me a dirty look, she snatches her purse from between us and jumps out of the truck, slamming the door shut behind her.
I can hardly breathe right now from all the emotions I’m being punched in the gut with. It’s taking the air straight from my lungs and she’s not getting that I’ll gladly give every last breath for her.
“This woman is going to be the death of me.” I take my eyes away from her and get ready to yank the key out of the ignition to go after her, when I notice a little white pill laying on the passenger seat that must’ve fallen from her pocket.
My heart pounds against my ribcage as I pick it up to see what it is. I know this one. The realization that it’s Oxy has my stomach twisting into knots at the memory of how these pills, along with others, controlled my mother for years. Her addiction was a sickness, and nothing I ever did was good enough to save her. Not for a long time at least.
Closing my hand around the pill, I jump out of the truck and rush to the other side, grabbing Alexandra’s arm to pull her to me. I feel like I’m fucking dying picturing Lex the way I’ve seen my mother so many times over the years. “How long have you been popping pills? How long?”
Her eyes widen when I hold the pill out for her to see. She stares at it for a few seconds before yanking her arm from my grip and pushing on my chest. “It’s none of your damn business. Now move, so I can leave.”
Before she can escape, I grab her waist and back her against my truck, blocking her in with my hard body. “How fucking long? I’m not letting you leave until you tell me.
”
“Does it really matter?” Her eyes rise to meet mine, and I can see the shame in them right before she turns away. “No one has given a shit before. Not my asshole father. Not my mother who abandoned me, and definitely not anyone I’ve fucked over the years. Now move.”
Her words hit me in the chest. It destroys me that she feels like no one has given a shit about her over the years. Both of her parents can rot in hell for all I care, and the same for the assholes she fucked. I hate them the most. But she should know there is one person.
“It matters to me,” I answer honestly. “I’m not them. Don’t hide from me anymore, Lex. Tell me the damn truth, because I’m not giving up until you do. You can fight me all night, love. Trust me, I don’t tire easily.”
“Just let me go.” She struggles to get away, but I wrap my arm around her waist and hold her to me. “Dammit, let go! It’s not your problem.” She shoves at my chest, screaming out her frustration for me to move, but I refuse to, which only pisses her off more. “I said it’s not your problem. What don’t you understand about that? Move, Jax! Just move!”
“The fuck it isn’t,” I growl out, anger taking over that she won’t talk to me and tell me the damn truth. I don’t care if it hurts her feelings; she needs to know the shit I went through with my mother after she moved away. “Do you want to fucking die, Lex? Huh? Because that’s what could happen.”
I move in so close that she can’t take a damn breath without breathing the same air as me. “Do you know how many times I had to have my mom’s stomach pumped because it was full of pills? Do you know how many times I cried because I had to watch my mom die in front of me? Do you know how long a few seconds feels when you’re waiting for that next breath that might never fucking come? I was just a boy then, and still didn’t give up on my mom. I’m a man now. What makes you think I’ll give up on you? Now, for the last time. Tell. Me.”
Tears form in her eyes as she silently takes in my words. It’s the first time I’ve seen her cry since I was nine and it breaks my heart in two, but I need her to feel the pain she’s feeling right now to get the message through to her.
After a few moments she looks up and I wipe my thumbs over her cheeks, drying them. “I had no idea things got that bad after I left, Jax. I was hoping your mom got better. I wanted to picture a good life for you.” She closes her eyes and exhales in defeat, dropping her hands from my chest. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hide from you, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m scared.”
I bend down and press my forehead to hers. “You don’t have to be scared anymore,” I whisper. “I’ll destroy anything that ever threatens to hurt you again. Letting someone be there for you doesn’t make you weak. Let me show you that. Let me help you. Let me in, Lex. Please.”
I’ve never begged anyone for a thing in my life, but I’d drop to my knees right here in front of her if it helps get me the answers I need.
Many seconds pass before she opens her eyes and speaks again. “Ten years, off and on. I tried stopping once, back when I was twenty, but a week later I was back to looking for ways to escape.”
Her answer has my heart feeling like it’s being squeezed inside my chest. Ten years. She’s been hurting bad enough to turn to a synthetic means of escape for ten years? That knowledge is enough to make me want to punch my fist into my truck over and over again until every bone in my hand is broken.
“Fuck!” I growl out, moving my hands up to cup her face, wanting and needing to take care of her. “I wish you would’ve found a way back to me. How often, Lex? Is it something you can control? I need to know these things.”
She’s quiet again for a few seconds, standing still as I rub my thumbs over her cheeks to comfort her and show her I’m here for her. “I take enough to make it through the day without wanting to die. But there’s some days when that isn’t enough. Those are the days I can’t control how many I take.”
She pauses and looks up to meet my gaze. The pain in them makes me physically ill. I want nothing more than to take that pain away and bury it deep into my fucking soul where she’ll never be able to find and feel it again. “Sometimes I can’t get out of bed for days and I just lay there, popping pill after pill, wishing with everything in me that I had the courage to end it all. That’s why I didn’t find you, Jax. That’s why you don’t need me in your life. I’ll ruin you. I’ll ruin you and I will only end up hating myself more than I already do. Hurting you is the worst thing I could ever do. Nothing scares me more.”
Her confession hijacks the air in my lungs and makes it hard to fucking breathe. I hate that she’s in so much pain and is afraid to let me in, but I hate it even more that she’s been hurt so much by the world she feels the need to end things.
“You don’t need to worry about ruining me, Lex, or hurting me. You could hurt me over and over again and I’ll never leave you. I’ll gladly accept the pain if it means having you back in my life.” I move my hands around and gently wrap them into the back of her hair, moving in closer, before I speak again. “And you don’t need pills to fucking get by. Not anymore.”
“Then what?” she questions, her voice shaky and desperate. “What do I need to get by? Tell me, because I have had shit luck with figuring that out and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t.”
I grip her hair tighter and lean in until my mouth is brushing hers. “Me. Let me prove that to you.”
Her breathing picks up as her gaze locks on mine. She’s listening, and that’s all I need. She needs me to prove it to her just as much as I need to.
Unable to control myself, I crush my lips to hers, feeling the air rush out of my lungs at the impact. I kiss her hard and desperate, wanting to show her I’m not going anywhere, no matter how hard she tries to push me away. This is me showing her she doesn’t need to live in pain anymore, and I hope like hell it’s enough.
After a few seconds, her hands move up to wrap into my hair as she kisses me back, her kiss just as hard and desperate as mine.
“Jax,” she says, breathless against my lips. “I don’t want to hurt you . . .”
“Then don’t.” Keeping my lips on hers, I strip my leather jacket off and toss it aside, before undoing my jeans and then move to undo hers.
She quickly kicks her jeans off, holding onto me as I pick her up to wrap her legs around my waist. I moan and bite her bottom lip as she pulls my cock out and runs her hand over it. “I can’t make that promise,” she whispers.
“Then I’ll make it for you.” I’ve never wanted to show a woman she’s mine more than I do this very second. With one slow thrust, I bury myself deep inside of her and stop to look into her eyes. “You’re mine, Lex. Always fucking have been. I’ll die over and over again to show you that if I have to.”
She moans out and digs her nails into my shoulder as I begin moving, burying myself each time.
I need to be deep inside her, burying myself into her soul just as she has mine.
Growling out, I run my lips over her neck, before gently biting it as I continue to move inside her. Something has been missing since she left. Being inside her makes me feel complete and whole and there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t give to feel this way every day for the rest of my life.
I’m not a gentle guy, but for her, I’d be anything she wants me to be, and right now she needs to see my gentle side. The one I haven’t shown anyone since Lex disappeared all those years ago.
Trying my hardest to be tender, I softly tug her hair as I move my lips over the front of her neck and then make my way back up to her mouth, claiming it with mine.
This is the first time I’ve ever been gentle during sex. The savage in me wants to break free and claim her so hard and deep that she feels me inside her for days. I fight it with each move of my hips, because the truth is . . . I love Alexandra and have for as long as I can remember.
“Faster, Jax,” she speaks across my lips, before kissing me hard and rough, pulling my hair. “I’m anything but fragile, so don’t
treat me like I am. I need you.”
“Dammit, Lex.” I pull away to look her in the eyes, studying the desperation in them. I love that she wants me just as much as I want her right now, but my need to take care of her overpowers everything else. “I made a fucking promise to you.” She moans and throws her head back as I slowly bury myself inside her and stop. “Don’t make me break it.”
She gives me an angry look and yanks my hair harder, knowing what that does to me. “I can’t take you being slow with me, Jax. Don’t . . . please.”
Her words trail off as I kiss her neck and begin moving my hips again. She may want me to be rough with her right now, but I won’t do that. There are things I want to show her right now.
I need her to feel me—all of me—so she knows I meant every word I said when I told her she was mine. She’s fucking mine, and I’m not letting her get away again.
“Holy shit, Jax.” She moans against my mouth as I brush my lips over hers and slowly push in and out, taking her deep and slow.
I bite her bottom lip, before running my tongue over it, tasting her. I’ll never get tired of her taste. Now that I’ve had it, I’m hooked. “I’m yours, Lex. You can do whatever you want with me, because I’m not going anywhere.” I push inside of her as deep as I can and stop. “Do you feel that?”
“Yes.” She nods and digs her nails into my arms when I begin moving again. “Keep going,” she breathes, squeezing me with her legs. “I believe you. Please move . . .”
Keeping my eyes on hers, I move one hand around to wrap into the back of her hair, wanting her to look me in the eyes when I make her come this time. “Good. Look at me, Lex.”
A few more deep thrusts is all it takes before she moans out her release, her body shaking in my arms as she comes undone for me.
I lean my forehead against hers, catching her moans in my mouth as she slowly begins to come down from her high. “I’m going to show you I’m all you need. Open your eyes and look at me.”
Beautiful Savage (Savage & Ink Book 2) Page 13
