by Ryan Michele
“Should we get you a shower first?”
Her head shakes rapidly. “No, it’ll hurt worse. I need a day or so then I’ll be good.” She looks down at me. “What?”
“Just can’t fuckin’ believe that someone did this shit to you. No one should’ve touched you. I’m going to kill him.”
“No!” She jumps, and anger takes back over. She wants to spare this asshole? Does she love him? “I mean, I want you to promise me that you won’t go after him. They saw you, but that doesn’t mean anything. You put me in a car or a train or something, and I went off by myself. You can’t ever say that you brought me here.”
“I’m not afraid of him, Carsyn.”
She reaches over and puts a hand on my shoulder. “I know you’re not. But I am, Nox, and I don’t want you involved any more than you already are. Nothing can happen to you.” There’s more to her words, an underlying meaning that doesn’t get past me.
“Nothing will happen to me. Promise you that.”
“He’s crazy, Nox. Just please promise me.” The words come out laced with panic and her arms begin to shake.
“Promise. I’ll stay away from him as long as he stays away from you.”
A gust of air releases from her lips. “Thank you.”
She lays down with a bit of hesitation as I bring the bottle of peroxide up to show her. “This might sting a little. You good?”
Her eyes waver, and it’s like a punch to the gut that, from her reactions, she’s never had anyone help her get cleaned up after being attacked. She’s never had anyone who gave enough of a shit about her to do it.
Carsyn is giving me her trust here. Trust that I won’t hurt her. Trust that she can count on me. Trust that I’ll care for her when no one else ever has. Fuck.
Grabbing some gauze from the first aid kit, I pour the peroxide slowly on one of her cuts, but she says nothing. No groan. No moan. No reaction whatsoever to the peroxide, and that shit burns. Is she in that much pain, she can’t recognize more? Or is she numb?
Using the gauze, I swipe gently on the cuts and only then does she groan in pain.
Each touch of her skin that hurts, I want to make better. The ibuprofen she took a while ago on the road seems to be wearing off. I’ll need to get out of here and get some more.
Carsyn should be cherished, loved, coveted—never ever treated like this. Fuck, this pisses me off and I have to keep calm, not letting her see it. She’s a slippery slope that I somehow need to climb.
Her legs are the same, but with less cleaning up. She shivers again, and I cover her up tight. “I’m going out to get some food, water, and a few other things. I’ll see what I can find for clothes, but know it won’t be much.”
Her hand darts out to my arm. “Don’t go… I mean, okay. Thank you.”
She’s on the verge of a panic attack. Instead of leaving, I climb up the bed and rest my back on the headrest. She stares up at me like I hold the key to the damn world. This woman is giving me so much of her trust, and it’s squeezing inside of me. I want to cherish that and hold it near. I want to make her wrongs right and be the man she’s thinking I am right at this moment.
I brush her hair away from her face and behind her ear.
“First thing we need to do is get rid of this red.”
She chuckles, but it’s soft. “Yeah. I hate it. Always reminded me of a clown.”
“Bozo.”
The smile I love seeing meets her eyes as she pulls the blankets around her body. “Now we’re name callin’, huh?”
“Maybe.”
There’s this thick tension in the room, but I have to resist its pull. She’s not in a place to do anything but lay next to me. Hell, I’m a guy, what can I say? The chemistry is something I haven’t felt before with a woman.
“You know,” she begins, “I had the biggest crush on you in high school.”
“They all did.”
“Asshole,” she grumbles, but does so playfully.
“I am what I am. But go ahead and tell me more.”
“Screw that. Your head’s big enough.”
This playful banter is so much different than the woman I met the other two times. It’s like a switch flipped knowing she didn’t have to go back to him. That she is free. Free to be herself for once.
“Oh, come on. You know what?”
“What?”
I scoot my body down and lay on my side toward her. She doesn’t retreat, and I take that as a good sign. “I had one on you too.”
Her eyes widen. “What?”
“You like that word a lot.”
“Seriously?” she asks again, completely taken aback.
“Only an idiot wouldn’t. You were smart, funny, and had these sarcastic comebacks that made people think twice before sparring with you.”
She smiles softly. “Yeah. That was a long time ago. Why didn’t you talk to me then?”
“Because I was a kid who had way too much freedom, money, and friends.”
“In other words, you were an idiot.”
A chuckle escapes. “Among other things.”
Seeing her so relaxed is an image I will never get out of my head. It’s probably the first time since she went to live with Buck that she has felt this way. Fuck, I’m happy to have a part in that.
“Yeah. You had every girl—even the seniors when you were a freshman—all over you.”
“Those are good memories.”
She shifts and for a moment I think she’s going to pull her hand out and smack me on the arm, but she refrains and stills. “Don’t be a dick.”
“Oh! Good one. Not bein’ a dick. It’s the truth, and I’m not gonna sugar coat my past. It is what it is, and it made me the man I am today. Nothin’ wrong with that.”
“No. It’s not.” Silence blankets the room for a moment, the air conditioner having kicked off. “Thank you, Nox. I’m sorry to get you involved this much, but thank you for getting me out of there.”
“Told ya, I’m only a phone call away. Close your eyes and get some rest.”
She yawns. “Guess I am tired.”
“Your body needs to heal.”
“Right.”
We lay there for a while just staring at each other. I try to see past all the marks on her face and the discoloration to the woman beneath. The marks spark my anger, but luckily from my dad I learned how to control my emotions. She can’t see me like this. She’s fragile enough as it is.
Carsyn closes her eyes and drifts off to sleep.
Instead of watching her sleep, I set out to find everything we’re going to need for the next few days because there are no plans for us to leave unless it’s on a food run.
8
Carsyn
The room is black, but that’s not what has my heart racing. Nox is gone. I can feel it like a tangible thing. Like a loss or disruption. It’s all over me seeping into my bones.
Reaching over I turn the light on, the glow giving off a yellowish hue. It’s quiet and still, but that doesn’t keep my heart from racing.
My first thought is, is he coming back? His bag sits on the dresser along with his Ravage MC cut. He must really want to be inconspicuous if he left that. It’s also the reminder that he is coming back. This is good. This is okay. He probably went to get food like he said earlier. Nothing to worry about. He’ll be back.
I’m a mess of emotions. On one hand, relief fills me that I was able to get out. On the other is the fear that Buck is right around the corner ready to make me pay for trying to leave him.
It’s a vicious cycle of emotions swirling and churning, eating me alive one by one.
The sad thing is the emotions are the scars that are so deep they’ll never heal because no amount of time will allow it.
My body is stiff in every way possible. It needs to move, or I’ll be locked up for a while.
Tossing the covers off, cries come out as I maneuver my body to sit. Slowly, I start with my arms, extending them and retracting them. Sweat begins to
pour from me as I move on to the shoulders and neck. Nox was right, sleep is great, but having my body lock up tight because of it is the downfall.
Still sitting, I work on loosening up my legs and knees. Unsteadily, I rise to my feet, using the small table beside the bed for balance, and continue to exercise. Bending at the waist proves difficult, but it is accomplished.
It’s sad that Buck has done this so often to me that there’s a routine to healing. Never would he send me to a doctor for this, so learning how to fix myself was crucial. The only thing he took me for was my birth control and to get my blood tested. Buck didn’t want to catch diseases from me even though he made others wear condoms.
Buck…
My thoughts drift to him. He’s pissed. Seriously, irrevocably pissed right now. Not only did I escape, I set fire to his kitchen causing who knows what in damages. Part of me wants to feel giddy and exited in my ability to pull one over on him. But deep inside that fear of him finding me restrains it.
I’m not stupid enough to think Buck is going to give up on me because he didn’t in the past. There’s no way in hell he’d do that. He’d find me just to punish me and kill me. It’s his pride that is hurt, not any feelings for me as a human being.
Twice I tried leaving. Each time, the plan didn’t work. Each time, he found me way too fast. Each time, I suffered the consequences for it. But each one of those left me with knowledge of how I fucked up before, and now I won’t repeat those mistakes again.
When I first went to live with him, he was so nice, and it lasted about a month. Then chores were added to the mix. Then more. And more. And more. Until I’m here with nothing else left to give.
What a clusterfuck my life has become. Hell, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Who is Carsyn Devero? There’s been so much time that has passed in my life where I became whatever Buck wanted me to be, each time losing myself a little bit more.
At fifteen-years-old, it didn’t take much for Buck to get me under his thumb. A few cracks to the face and the fear took over around him. I was lost in my own grief. My own guilt. I was an easy prey. It wasn’t just the physical pain he inflected that gave him power; it was my emotional state. It’s pathetic, but so very true. It’s like a mold he put me in, making me exactly what he expected of me.
My mother had never hit me, ever. Not even when I did something horrible—never. Grounding and taking things away was her punishment. It worked, sometimes. Buck putting his hands on me changed the game.
I toss on the clothes that lay on the floor. They smell of Buck’s house making me want to gag, but it’s all I have.
Moving over to the small round table, I grip onto the chair and move my legs backwards, bending at the knee and out.
The door handle moves and I still, holding my breath. Did Buck find me already? Shit.
No sooner had those thoughts run through my brain, Nox steps into the room and relief washes over me. His hands are full of bags.
“How ya feelin’?” His smile is one of the best parts of him. It draws you in wanting to take a closer look. The way his bottom lip is so full and utterly bitable. Shit.
“Better. I needed to get up and move. Sleep is good, but if I don’t keep moving it’ll get worse.”
He sets the bags over on the counter near the television. “I’ve got a couple more trips to go. If you want to start pulling stuff out, that’d be great. If not, I’ll get it when I get back.”
In a flash he’s gone. The bags beckon me over. Clothes. Nothing like what Buck made me wear. T-shirts, full underwear, bras that look as if they are comfortable rather than meant to entice men. Yoga pants, several different styles and colors, some capris and pants. Tennis shoes and flats that look comfortable as hell. He must have hit a mega store or something.
The door handle turns again, and my breath catches momentarily as Nox walks in and the tension relaxes. His arms are full to the brim. Instead of setting this load on the counter, he tosses it to the bed. The smell of fried chicken fills the room, and my stomach growls.
“Good, thought you’d be hungry,” Nox chides, and a flush creeps up my cheeks.
“Well my tour guide only stopped for gas station goodies.”
His chuckle warms me in a way that fills my soul. It’s pure, true, and honest. There is no hidden meaning or some puzzle I have to figure out. The sound is untainted with any part of my past.
“Hey, you loved that roller dog.”
A smile lifts my face. “I was hungry.” We empty the bags filled with clothes, toiletries, and food. “Do I want to know how you knew my size for clothes?”
“You left them on the floor. Looked at the tags.”
“Oh.” That’s a completely reasonable explanation. “Thank you, Nox. It’s all great.”
“No, it’s not, but it’ll get you through the next few days. Come sit and let’s eat.”
He sets the bag of hot food on the table and begins pulling things out. We sit in comfortable silence while we eat. Nothing with Buck was ever comfortable. Hell, whenever he was quiet usually didn’t bode well for me in any way, shape, or form. With Nox, that fear isn’t anywhere in sight. Not once has the thought of him attacking me or hurting me entered my mind. If anything, the words protection and safe are on the forefront.
“Do you like being in your club?” I ask, finishing my last bit of chicken and mashed potatoes. Admitting nervousness isn’t going to happen, but it’s there hovering at the surface. Conversation hasn’t been in my vocabulary for nine years. Being told to be seen and not heard cuts a woman at the throat.
He wipes his mouth and beard with a napkin, tossing it to the table. “Love it. It’s my life, my family. It’s all I’ve ever known.”
Thinking back, Buck is all I’ve known for so long; am I destined to never let that go? The way Nox talks it’s a prominent thing, and that fills me with dread. Experiencing the Rangers lifestyle for so many years and now spending time with Nox are two totally different things. Where Buck is demanding. Nox is patient. Where Buck is cruel. Nox appears kind. They are complete opposites, and I wonder if their clubs are as well.
“What brought on that face?”
Chewing my bottom lip, the words fly, “I’ve been with Buck for nine years. It’s all I’ve ever known during that time. Does that mean I’m going to feel like this the rest of my life?”
Nox moves quickly, kneeling on the floor in front of me and grabbing my hands. “No. Your life should’ve never been like this. You deserve so much more, Carsyn. Saw it when we were freshman and see it now. Will you be able to forget, probably not, but you will be able to move on and create a life for yourself away from him.”
“He’s going to find me.” The biggest fear in me comes tumbling out, and my body shakes.
“No, he’s not.” He says it with determination, but I know he can’t stay here with me and protect me. I’m going to have to do that on my own. “I have a plan. Just trust me.”
“You’re the only one on this planet I do trust, Nox.”
His face is only a foot from mine, and this incredible urge to kiss him rides me hard. I feel myself leaning, then he retreats back. Shame hits me in the head.
Why would he want to kiss a woman like me? Damaged, pathetic, drowning. I’ll never be a woman deserving of those lips on mine.
Needing to escape and gather myself, I rise. “I’m going to take a shower.”
He stands as well as I rummage through the clothes. Finding some that look decent, I grab the bag of toiletries.
“Thought you said it would hurt worse if you showered.”
Yeah. I did say that and it’s true, but I need a break. “I’ve had time to rest, and I want to get that place off of me.” It’s not a lie by any stretch of the imagination. I do want to, and omitting something isn’t lying.
“Okay,” he says to my back as I close the door to the bathroom.
Looking in the mirror, tears well in my eyes. My cheeks are sunken in, and deep bags frame my eyes. My hair is the worst o
f all, and if I had a scissors I’d cut it all off.
A knock comes to the door, and I jump. “Yes?”
“I bought you some hair dye.”
“You did?” I open the door, and he hands me a box with a dark-haired woman on the front. Damn that was thoughtful. “Thank you.”
“Whatever you need, Carsyn.”
On a nod, I shut the door and get busy changing myself back to me, whoever the hell that is. I need to find her.
When I step out of the bathroom, inside I feel a little like different person. Clean, and the red is gone from my hair bringing it back to the brown it should be. I almost feel human, minus the cuts and bruises, but those will go away in a few days.
A low whistle comes from the bed. “Love it brown.”
The blush stings my cheeks and warmth fills me. “Thank you.”
My movements are better after the shower too. My joints must’ve needed a little heat therapy. I’ll have to remember that.
“What’s that look for?” Nox asks, startling me from my negative thoughts.
“Nothing.”
He rises from the bed and comes my way, putting his hands on my arms gently. “No lying, Carsyn. That’s one thing between you and me that we never do.”
The air gets sucked out of me. Lying has never been my thing, but being able to tell someone the truth all the time. It feels like a gift, one I don’t know if I’m worth having.
“Okay.”
He rubs up and down my arms softly then steps back. “So what do you want to do tonight? I bought cards so I can kick your ass at poker, or we can watch a movie and lay back. Any of that sound good?”
Any of it. Is he serious right now? “All of it.”
“Nice.” He rubs his hands back and forth in front of him with a mischievous glint in his eye. “We’re playin’ for pretzels. Whoever has the most gets to pick the movie.”
